falling in love with a dual

**redbaron** · 03-06-2011, 04:02 PM

I don't recommend it. unless there's a really good chance of things working out. because if it's doomed to failure for whatever reason, it hurts more than normal. you stand to lose so much.

I guess B&D would say that you should always remain open to being hurt and that's part of life. And I agree with that in theory. But it also takes a lot of energy to recover from a broken heart. And, life is short. Well, it's long. But it's also short. And maybe there are other things to spend energy on.

A dual is good for personal growth so maybe in the end you can rationalize that it wasn't for naught. After all, something doesn't have to last forever to have been worthwhile.

why is there a hello kitty smilie?

**squark** · 03-06-2011, 04:05 PM

when is anything ever "doomed to failure?"

**Timeless** · 03-06-2011, 04:07 PM

I wrote this a while ago after reflecting on some things:

If you're afraid to love, then you're afraid to live,
If you're afraid to live, then you're afraid of death,
If you're afraid of death, then you're afraid of peace.

**redbaron** · 03-06-2011, 04:07 PM

Originally Posted by squark

when is anything ever "doomed to failure?"

that's a fair question. Maybe I should have said "wrought with complications". And I will pm you. lol

Creepy-female · 03-06-2011, 04:10 PM

**munenori2** · 03-06-2011, 04:17 PM

I think I know what you mean. Every time I've had a broken heart I've come out of it stronger, but, idk, maybe a little more jaded and defensive too.

**redbaron** · 03-06-2011, 04:19 PM

Originally Posted by dolphin

awww dolphin that made me smile! thanks!

Creepy-female · 03-06-2011, 04:34 PM

Originally Posted by redbaron

awww dolphin that made me smile! thanks!

I was aiming for 50 kitties!

The coding messed up but it actually made it kinda pretty.

Romantic connections hurt.

I link you to nice emo article. But you be in sound psychological health before you read it, kay? No sharp objects, grasshopper. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...g-relationship

**1981slater** · 03-06-2011, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by redbaron

I don't recommend it. unless there's a really good chance of things working out. because if it's doomed to failure for whatever reason, it hurts more than normal. you stand to lose so much.

I guess B&D would say that you should always remain open to being hurt and that's part of life. And I agree with that in theory. But it also takes a lot of energy to recover from a broken heart. And, life is short. Well, it's long. But it's also short. And maybe there are other things to spend energy on.

A dual is good for personal growth so maybe in the end you can rationalize that it wasn't for naught. After all, something doesn't have to last forever to have been worthwhile.

why is there a hello kitty smilie?

Spanish motto: "You don't love whom you want to love, but whom you can't help loving".

English motto: "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

**Quaris** · 03-06-2011, 04:45 PM

Originally Posted by 1981slater

Spanish motto: "You don't love whom you want to love, but whom you can't help loving".

I like this.

**crazedrat** · 03-06-2011, 04:48 PM

**Galen** · 03-06-2011, 06:04 PM

How is this any different from falling in love with anybody else? Love is love regardless of who it's with, so to be broken up from that state is always gonna suck.

**EyeSeeCold** · 03-06-2011, 06:09 PM

Originally Posted by crazedratsghost

YouTube - The Beatles - "What You're Doing"

What about falling in love with a semi-dual?

**Krig the Viking** · 03-06-2011, 06:14 PM

Originally Posted by 1981slater

Spanish motto: "You don't love whom you want to love, but whom you can't help loving".

English motto: "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

I like those. I hadn't heard the Spanish one before.

Here's something C. S. Lewis wrote:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

**Quaris** · 03-06-2011, 06:14 PM

Originally Posted by Galen

How is this any different from falling in love with anybody else? Love is love regardless of who it's with, so to be broken up from that state is always gonna suck.

Some say not every love is equal and not every crush is as breathtaking as others. The more you lose the more it hurts I guess?
It would make sense to have the deepest love for one's dual, and failing there would be very bad, no?

**blackburry** · 03-06-2011, 06:24 PM

[QUOTE=redbaron;746995]I don't recommend it. unless there's a really good chance of things working out. because if it's doomed to failure for whatever reason, it hurts more than normal. you stand to lose so much.[QUOTE]

... yeah. b/c when it falls apart you're left broken and worse off than before..atleast for a time. Maybe you learn from it, hopefully you do, but when your dual is rare...and slim chance of finding another one.. when it was more about the person rather than the supposed "duality" anyways..

but life gets in the way and things are hard and you realize you aren't compatibile in some important ways... and that's it. it's over.

**redbaron** · 03-06-2011, 06:24 PM

Originally Posted by dolphin

I was aiming for 50 kitties!

The coding messed up but it actually made it kinda pretty.

Romantic connections hurt.

I link you to nice emo article. But you be in sound psychological health before you read it, kay? No sharp objects, grasshopper. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...g-relationship

love that. esp this line: Young, you learn that even endlessness comes to an end, that light and air return.

**redbaron** · 03-06-2011, 06:27 PM

Originally Posted by blackburry

... yeah. b/c when it falls apart you're left broken and worse off than before..atleast for a time. Maybe you learn from it, hopefully you do, but when your dual is rare...and slim chance of finding another one.. when it was more about the person rather than the supposed "duality" anyways..

but life gets in the way and things are hard and you realize you aren't compatibile in some important ways... and that's it. it's over.

yes...

**redbaron** · 03-06-2011, 06:28 PM

Originally Posted by Quaris

Some say not every love is equal and not every crush is as breathtaking as others. The more you lose the more it hurts I guess?
It would make sense to have the deepest love for one's dual, and failing there would be very bad, no?

yeah that's what I meant. there's a kind of rapport you can have with a dual that's just not completely possible with other types, even when you're well-matched externally (with the other types). That sort of thing is especially distressing to lose. And then, it's also true what blackburry said that it's about the particular person and not just b/c of duality anyway. so it's going to hurt because of that, regardless.

**redbaron** · 03-06-2011, 06:29 PM

Originally Posted by Krig the Viking

Here's something C. S. Lewis wrote:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

thanks for reminding me of this! I'm familiar with it but hadn't read it in years.

**redbaron** · 03-06-2011, 06:31 PM

Originally Posted by aixelsyd

Truth. Falling in love always, always, always always sucks ass, ime. I don't recommend it. Fall in love once, cool, but pray it never happens again unless you guys are destined for some fictitious happily ever after scenario. Even if you DO get together, stay together, get married, have kids, it'll be one ass pain after the other pain in your rear end has subsided.

Unfortunately falling in love isn't something you can really control.

LOL this made me laugh. thanks!

And it's true--the heart loves who the heart loves and it's not usually controllable.

**redbaron** · 03-06-2011, 06:32 PM

Originally Posted by 1981slater

Spanish motto: "You don't love whom you want to love, but whom you can't help loving".

English motto: "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

thanks slater. I like the spanish one especially.

**Simon Ssmall** · 03-06-2011, 06:35 PM

Falling in love is overrated. Loving is underrated.

**Creepy-** · 03-06-2011, 06:35 PM

Originally Posted by squark

when is anything ever "doomed to failure?"

It is if it is.

**EyeSeeCold** · 03-06-2011, 07:08 PM

Originally Posted by nil

It is if it is.

Determinism.

The funny thing is determinism can justify both defeatism and optimism/trying.

**Creepy-** · 03-06-2011, 07:11 PM

Originally Posted by EyeSeeCold

Determinism.

The funny thing is determinism can justify both defeatism and optimism/trying.

I am leaning toward the defeatism/fatalism side.

**blackburry** · 03-06-2011, 09:10 PM

Originally Posted by aixelsyd

Yup. I admit some situations are hopeless, but often, people just don't want to make the effort. I guess if they don't want to make the effort, they must not care that much. Relating it to the topic at hand, is it really love if someone lets it fall by the way? I don't think so.

...Sometimes shit just happens. Things spin out of control and no matter how hard you both try to fix it, it will not work, love isn't always enough...

**tiny_dancer** · 03-06-2011, 09:25 PM

I think it's hardest when there are "other" incompatibilities that you think you can overcome, but in reality it just means you don't belong together.

Or when the person is freaking fantastic and meshes in every possible way with your life, but is already spoken for by someone. heh

**Lobo** · 03-06-2011, 09:34 PM

Originally Posted by redbaron

I don't recommend it. unless there's a really good chance of things working out. because if it's doomed to failure for whatever reason, it hurts more than normal. you stand to lose so much.

I guess B&D would say that you should always remain open to being hurt and that's part of life. And I agree with that in theory. But it also takes a lot of energy to recover from a broken heart. And, life is short. Well, it's long. But it's also short. And maybe there are other things to spend energy on.

A dual is good for personal growth so maybe in the end you can rationalize that it wasn't for naught. After all, something doesn't have to last forever to have been worthwhile.

why is there a hello kitty smilie?

I know exactly what you mean... What makes it more disappointing is when you idealize the dual too much from the beginning (or any relationship for that matter). You just gotta take chances though with people.

**jessica129** · 03-06-2011, 09:37 PM

I dunno, to me, if you love someone, you'll make it work. If you're fighting all the time, then chances are it's not love. But maybe I'm different...I've noticed I have a very hard time letting people go once I care about them on a higher level. I might not be the most emotional person but it sure kills me. Love is a bitch but a life without it seems pointless.

Creepy-male · 03-06-2011, 10:31 PM

Disagree that things falling through with a dual hurts more than with a non-dual.

**Beautiful sky** · 03-06-2011, 11:15 PM

Don't despair and don't give up.

**Kim** · 03-06-2011, 11:23 PM

Originally Posted by jessica129

I dunno, to me, if you love someone, you'll make it work. If you're fighting all the time, then chances are it's not love. But maybe I'm different...I've noticed I have a very hard time letting people go once I care about them on a higher level. I might not be the most emotional person but it sure kills me. Love is a bitch but a life without it seems pointless.

I think it can be love, but sometimes love is just not enough. It takes more than love to make it work I think.

**jessica129** · 03-06-2011, 11:28 PM

What else do you need though? If you love a person, you're accepting all of that person...all of their flaws and all the problems that come along with them. Distance doesn't matter, money doesn't matter, jobs don't matter...maybe I'm just old-school. If I love a person, I love them...it's not going to change because they had to move or they lost a job or their leg fell off...they're still the person you fell in love with. I don't get it.

**Kim** · 03-06-2011, 11:34 PM

Originally Posted by jessica129

What else do you need though? If you love a person, you're accepting all of that person...all of their flaws and all the problems that come along with them. Distance doesn't matter, money doesn't matter, jobs don't matter...maybe I'm just old-school. If I love a person, I love them...it's not going to change because they had to move or they lost a job or their leg fell off...they're still the person you fell in love with. I don't get it.

I agree that when you really love a person you are accepting of them, but I also think that there can be circumstances that make a good relationship impossible. Just because I love a person doesn't mean it's a person who is good for me (or I am a person who is good for them). I think I have just been in love with too many people who just weren't good for me and then it can easily turn into self-sacrifice for the sake of loving someone all the way.

Does that make sense?

**jessica129** · 03-06-2011, 11:38 PM

Yeah, that's true. I wish I could've controlled who I loved at various points in my life...it would've been a lot easier. I get what you're saying. I guess I thought we were talking about mutual love.

**Kim** · 03-06-2011, 11:47 PM

Originally Posted by jessica129

Yeah, that's true. I wish I could've controlled who I loved at various points in my life...it would've been a lot easier. I get what you're saying. I guess I thought we were talking about mutual love.

I think it even applies to mutual love because people have such different needs that it can't always work out. But I am not talking about things like distance or accidents, etc. I do believe that love can absolutely overcome that (the reason why I was convinced that my friend's bf didn't really love her was because I knew he would never stay with her if she had been disfigured, for example). I am thinking more along the lines psychological compatibility perhaps? Or situations where love turns into mutual dependence that is not healthy? For example, I was really in love with an IEI and he with me, but he turned me into an anxious mess because I could never be sure of the solidity of the relationship. On the other hand I know I made him feel inferior by constantly giving "proactive" advice and dismissing his need to internally work through things. I am not saying that the relationship is doomed because we were IEI-IEE, just the way it played out for us just couldn't go anywhere although we really did love each other a lot.

**Kim** · 03-06-2011, 11:47 PM

Originally Posted by CILi

Given your line of work and all, I know that you meant it really, really seriously; ...but the thought of "Whoops, my leg fell off" was wonderful.

(

)

**Slacker** · 03-06-2011, 11:50 PM

Originally Posted by jessica129

What else do you need though? If you love a person, you're accepting all of that person...all of their flaws and all the problems that come along with them. Distance doesn't matter, money doesn't matter, jobs don't matter...maybe I'm just old-school. If I love a person, I love them...it's not going to change because they had to move or they lost a job or their leg fell off...they're still the person you fell in love with. I don't get it.

love this

**Beautiful sky** · 03-06-2011, 11:52 PM

Originally Posted by jessica129

What else do you need though? If you love a person, you're accepting all of that person...all of their flaws and all the problems that come along with them. Distance doesn't matter, money doesn't matter, jobs don't matter...maybe I'm just old-school. If I love a person, I love them...it's not going to change because they had to move or they lost a job or their leg fell off...they're still the person you fell in love with. I don't get it.

When I love, I love like this.

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