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Thread: Duals having opposing leisure activities

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    Default Duals having opposing leisure activities

    Duals are meant to deal with opposite spheres of the world, right? SEEs hang out in clubs while ILIs stay at home and read/WoW, ILEs chase butterflies in jungles while SEIs cook and take long baths... and that's great, because they're in their natural environments and deal with stuff that the other person finds important but can't do themselves. Hurray, socionics!


    So what happens when you have a dual, and you want to hang out all the time because your functions rub up against each other just so, but their natural environment is the opposite of your comfort zone (your "discomfort zone"? )?


    How does this play out in real life? Do you

    a) Hang out in one person's happy place, then hang out in the other person's happy place, tolerating discomfort for the sake of the other person

    b) Slowly teach your dual to enjoy your happy place, introducing it to them from your base function's perspective until they love it

    c) Slowly teach your dual to enjoy your happy place, and they'll do it to make you happy for a bit, and sometimes do that stuff for amusement, but they always end up leaving early to go back to their own happy place

    d) Slowly teach your dual to enjoy your happy place, showing them how their ego functions are important there too, and helping them carve out a niche there

    e) Something else?


    Theories, anecdotes, suggestions - I want them all
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    With my husband and myself, we might not like each other's activities. but we do like to hang out with each other, and it's fun to see him "in his element" even if it's not something I would do. So I guess it's your first choice, although it doesn't feel like something I have to tolerate or that gives me discomfort. I enjoy going but for different reasons.

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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    I honestly think this is about lifestyle which has more to do with circumstances, personal values, and environmental factors. Some duals are more similar than others for a variety of reasons, and the ones most similar have the most potential relation-wise.

    It depends on a lot of things, but generally, once you get duals talking and feeling comfortable with each other and feel like they like each other and see worth in being around each other, they figure things out, try new things.


    I don't think it is as polarized as people would think. I don't normally do the things SEEs in my life have done, but that doesn't mean I've never wanted to. I actually tried clubbing with my ILE friend that originated as going to a Dubstep/IDM gig and I ended up having a lot of fun. I was energized for a week after that.

    But SEE things aren't limited to the stereotypes, I once called up my female friend and we just walked around visiting places and talking about life.
    Last edited by EyeSeeCold; 02-01-2011 at 04:43 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella View Post
    we might not like each other's activities. but we do like to hang out with each other, and it's fun to see him "in his element" even if it's not something I would do.
    As usual, ^this.

    It can be very endearing watching a dual just do their dual thing. It's really cute when one of my ILE friends goes on long bizarre rants about his weird nerdy stuff.

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    Quote Originally Posted by EyeSeeCold View Post


    I don't think it is as polarized as people would think. I don't normally do the things SEEs in my life have done, but that doesn't mean I've never wanted to.
    This.

    As an LII, just because I rarely leave the house or socialize with new people, doesn't mean I wouldn't like to if I had an ESE to help me.
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    I should've stated this earlier: the context in which I ask this is that I sometimes feel like I'm forcing my dual to choose between doing his very un-IEI leisure activities and hanging out with me. I mean, I understand that he's happy doing both - it's just that I wish he didn't have to choose between, say, skydiving and hanging out with me, I feel like I should make an effort to go out of my comfort zone so that he can be both skydiving and hanging out with me. I assume other dual pairs have similar problems.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella View Post
    With my husband and myself, we might not like each other's activities. but we do like to hang out with each other, and it's fun to see him "in his element" even if it's not something I would do. So I guess it's your first choice, although it doesn't feel like something I have to tolerate or that gives me discomfort. I enjoy going but for different reasons.
    I agree - I often like to go and watch, it's nice to be in awe of all the things they do that I don't want to do, and I'm glad someone out there is doing it and enjoying it. Has he ever gotten you to do something very LSE and very un-EII though? Did you enjoy it? Did he try to help you enjoy it? Or did it just reaffirm the fact that it's clearly "his thing" and even though you're glad you've tried it, you've just confirmed that you're never going to want to do it again?

    Quote Originally Posted by EyeSeeCold View Post
    I don't think it is as polarized as people would think. I don't normally do the things SEEs in my life have done, but that doesn't mean I've never wanted to. I actually tried clubbing with my ILE friend that originated as going to a Dubstep/IDM gig and I ended up having a lot of fun. I was energized for a week after that.

    But SEE things aren't limited to the stereotypes, I once called up my female friend and we just walked around visiting places and talking about life.
    Hmm yeah. I guess I'm more concerned with the really extreme activities that almost solely appeal to one dual partner's base function (i.e. skydiving - don't really see much Ni in that? Apart from contemplating the inevitability of death...). I guess there are lots of things that duals can do together, lots of inbetween activities that incorporate both duals' strengths... travelling seems to be a popular one which works for many dual pairs, and I expect things which engage the creative/HA functions are good too.


    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    I honestly think this is about lifestyle which has more to do with circumstances, personal values, and environmental factors. Some duals are more similar than others for a variety of reasons, and the ones most similar have the most potential relation-wise.

    It depends on a lot of things, but generally, once you get duals talking and feeling comfortable with each other and feel like they like each other and see worth in being around each other, they figure things out, try new things.
    I don't really see IEIs going skydiving of their own accord, or ILIs enjoying endless wild nights - I guess my concern is, what happens in these extreme cases where one dual partner's leisure activities are very base function oriented? Will a club-happy SEE never find a good ILI mate? Or once they enter a dual relationship, will the extreme Se-behaviour stop (because the SEE is presumably so satisfied with the ILI they don't feel the need to go clubbing), go on alone (without ILI) or will the SEE open the ILI's eyes to the joys of clubbing? (I know this is an extreme stereotype, but that's kind of the area I'm probing.)

    I guess I'm going to have to go skydiving then, see if I'm one of those IEIs who can be happily Se-ed by psycho extreme sports SLEs...


    Side note: Why are ILEs so into IDM? There's always a surprising (to me at least) number of ILEs at those things...
    Quote Originally Posted by Agee The Great View Post
    Nobody here...besides me, seems to know what SLE is except for maybe Maritsa.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krig the Viking View Post
    As an LII, just because I rarely leave the house or socialize with new people, doesn't mean I wouldn't like to if I had an ESE to help me.
    Has this happened? Did you like it? Did you have your fill well before the ESE?

    (Actually, I can answer this in the case of my parents. Yes, yes and yes. )
    Quote Originally Posted by Agee The Great View Post
    Nobody here...besides me, seems to know what SLE is except for maybe Maritsa.

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    Quote Originally Posted by octopuslove View Post
    I don't really see IEIs going skydiving of their own accord, or ILIs enjoying endless wild nights - I guess my concern is, what happens in these extreme cases where one dual partner's leisure activities are very base function oriented? Will a club-happy SEE never find a good ILI mate? Or once they enter a dual relationship, will the extreme Se-behaviour stop (because the SEE is presumably so satisfied with the ILI they don't feel the need to go clubbing), go on alone (without ILI) or will the SEE open the ILI's eyes to the joys of clubbing? (I know this is an extreme stereotype, but that's kind of the area I'm probing.)

    I guess I'm going to have to go skydiving then, see if I'm one of those IEIs who can be happily Se-ed by psycho extreme sports SLEs...
    Base accentuation seems like the perfect opportunity for giving up your habits and trying out the Super-Id. There's this commercial currently airing with some guy who parties all the time but feels like he's going nowhere with his life so he tries out religion. While ILIs probably won't be found in church, it seems like to the first step to getting acquainted with them.

    Also duals probably won't adjust so quickly if they're unaware of the duality. I think it is a slow, eye-opening process. Habits need to be broken and confidence needs to be gained.


    Side note: Why are ILEs so into IDM? There's always a surprising (to me at least) number of ILEs at those things...
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    we initially had a lot of conflict over this, but have since compromised. I think it's better balanced for both of us now.

    Tonight was a good example where we went out to a nice dinner at a crowded place, then went and got drinks at a another crowded place, but then came back and played a video game for a while, which was a good mix of introvert/extrovert things, and we both liked it.

    He'd really prefer to watch TV or movies (more than I would), or play video games (but I do like the ones he has, such as a dancing and singing game). But for being an ISTP he can be really outgoing when he wants to, and he does have a lot of friends and like parties, etc.

    I tend to like to go out to bars, go dancing, go to dinner, events w/ friends. He also likes this stuff, but not as frequently as I do.
    Last edited by jewels; 02-05-2011 at 07:02 AM.
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    There's generally an overlapping set of liked activities which are shared by both duals, in my experience. In my case, they're related to the creative function (because they're perceiving): I meet a lot of male-duals in cycling clubs, and a lot female-duals in mountaineering companies.
    Anyway, I know two SEEs that are getting a master's degree in mathematics, so they obviously devote a lot of their time to studying theorethical subjects, an activity which is probably shared with ILIs (although the approach will differ, of course). I also know a good number of ILIs which don't mind clubbing, although they won't be as wild as their SEE friends when it comes to dancing and/or approaching other people.
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    Quote Originally Posted by octopuslove View Post
    Has he ever gotten you to do something very LSE and very un-EII though? Did you enjoy it? Did he try to help you enjoy it? Or did it just reaffirm the fact that it's clearly "his thing" and even though you're glad you've tried it, you've just confirmed that you're never going to want to do it again?
    .
    I'm IEE and he's SLI, but anyway he's really into car racing, fixing cars, and car shows. Stereotypical SLI stuff. Before we had kids, I'd hang out on a chair outside reading while he was fixing cars so we could spend time together, and that was nice. I've been to a trillion races, and it's fun watching him race though I am not personally at all into racing. He likes to hang out at car shows and chat with other car guys, and I chat as well though not so much about cars. He likes having me around at social events as he isn't very social and I'm an icebreaker type so he's more comfortable chatting like that. We even did this road rally thing once upon a time with me as navigator (reading a map!), and I was horrible at it and we lost terribly, but we still had fun doing it together. As for me, he goes to social events with my friends, and goes to places that sound like fun to visit with me, and sometimes hangs in the shadows so to speak at social events, but generally seems to enjoy it. He loves going to places I hear about. I tell him where I want to go and he plans the route and where we'll stay and stuff.

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    Quote Originally Posted by EyeSeeCold View Post
    Base accentuation seems like the perfect opportunity for giving up your habits and trying out the Super-Id.
    I agree with your point, but... I'm feeling a bit like I've done enough Se stuff for now.

    Quote Originally Posted by EyeSeeCold View Post
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    Lol! Probably. And they like wearing vinyl?

    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    we initially had a lot of conflict over this, but have since compromised. I think it's better balanced for both of us now.
    Cool

    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    There's generally an overlapping set of liked activities which are shared by both duals, in my experience. In my case, they're related to the creative function (because they're perceiving): I meet a lot of male-duals in cycling clubs, and a lot female-duals in mountaineering companies.
    Yeah, Ti/Fe stuff is fine, it's just the extreme base function shizz I can't quite handle.

    I also know a good number of ILIs which don't mind clubbing, although they won't be as wild as their SEE friends when it comes to dancing and/or approaching other people.
    Thanks for the image of an ILI wildly grabbing someone in a club! Lol

    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella View Post
    I'm IEE and he's SLI
    Ugh, so sorry! Same 5 first letters, delta NF, my Te-PoLR and laziness... sorry!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella View Post
    but anyway he's really into car racing, fixing cars, and car shows. Stereotypical SLI stuff. Before we had kids, I'd hang out on a chair outside reading while he was fixing cars so we could spend time together, and that was nice. I've been to a trillion races, and it's fun watching him race though I am not personally at all into racing. He likes to hang out at car shows and chat with other car guys, and I chat as well though not so much about cars. He likes having me around at social events as he isn't very social and I'm an icebreaker type so he's more comfortable chatting like that. We even did this road rally thing once upon a time with me as navigator (reading a map!), and I was horrible at it and we lost terribly, but we still had fun doing it together. As for me, he goes to social events with my friends, and goes to places that sound like fun to visit with me, and sometimes hangs in the shadows so to speak at social events, but generally seems to enjoy it. He loves going to places I hear about. I tell him where I want to go and he plans the route and where we'll stay and stuff.
    That sounds great!

    "and I was horrible at it and we lost terribly, but we still had fun doing it together." Hahahaha, sounds like what happens when he takes me out of my comfort zone. It's fun but it's obvious that I'm out of my depth and should quickly find a lifeboat.
    Quote Originally Posted by Agee The Great View Post
    Nobody here...besides me, seems to know what SLE is except for maybe Maritsa.

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    My understanding of Duality, is that your Dual can take you out of your "comfort zone" in such a way that you are perfectly willing to try anything with your Dual without feeling pressured to do so like you might with other types. Or something to that effect...
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    My dual introduced me to canoeing and rock-climbing, which I had not done before and would not have tried on my own, but very much enjoyed. I love it when he teaches me. Sometimes he loses his patience. I guess it's because things are so obvious to him and so difficult for me. He doesn't understand why I don't "get it" as easily. When I think back on it though, although all the stuff was fun in its own right (learning a new skill, being amidst nature, doing healthy physical activities; basically stuff) the thing that really made it special was just the fact that the one I love (who happens to be my dual) was there. Everything was converted into bonding in my mind - the other stuff is secondary.

    My dual wants to socialize more than I do. Sometimes I kind of feel bad for being introverted, because I have noticed instances where he feels like it is a hindrance. At parties or gatherings I tend to be fairly quiet, but I do try to take part in the socializing. Sometimes when it's over he'll say, "You were quiet tonight." Which I tend to hear as, "You were a bit antisocial tonight. It was kind of a damper." That may be me "EII over-analyzing." Or it could be his way of asking me if I'm okay physically/emotionally. Once at a party I actually broke away from him to mingle (I could barely believe that I had done it afterward! How extroverted of me!) It was because I was kind of mad at him for something and I wanted to show him that I could do what he does and that I didn't need to hang on him all night - that I could draw people to me too. I just wanted to prove him wrong. Of course, it helped that I was drinking. As predicted, he commented later on how impressed he was at my magnetism and that he didn't know I had it in me. Neither did I!

    On another occasion, we were at a restaurant with friends of his, many of whom I had only met that night. Well, after dinner some of the friends wanted to go to the club. I was tired, bored and ready to go home. For some reason, that night I did not want to invest a bunch of energy in ingratiating myself with people who I knew didn't really care to know me. Still, rather than force him to take me home (he wanted to go out with them), I went with them... except it was obvious that I was not having fun which really irritated my dual.

    My ideas of fun:
    -reading a chapter of a good book to him in bed and discussing it before sleep (he laughed at this idea, but he'd endure it if I wanted to )
    -anything outside that isn't too strenuous (hiking, camping, ice-skating, swimming, skiing...)
    -road trips, day trips
    -visiting museums and art galleries, sharing impressions (he actually likes this one - more the art than the museums, though)
    -opera and theater (LSE has very specific taste though, so we have to really work to find one that we'd both enjoy)
    -staying in for the night and just talking, getting to know each other, having heart-to-hearts (by FAR my favorite, and you can do it in many settings)
    -watching good movies together (ones that are either really sad b/c sad movies usually have more depth or really uplifting/inspirational but not in an overly cheesy way)
    -eating out (we both like this one - finding new places, trying new foods)
    -sex (I think everyone can agree on this one!)
    -snuggling (he usually avoids this. for him, it means hanging around and not being productive. he'll do it for a while to be sweet sometimes though)
    -cooking together (good as long as he doesn't lose his patience with me, but I guess I can say that about everything)
    ...Everything that involves just him and me.

    Things I don't really like:
    -clubbing (fine for a while. sometimes I want to dance and such, but the atmosphere becomes dull quickly. Usually it's just a bunch of people flailing around drunkenly, socializing with people they'll never see again, and trying to hook up. I can handle the lounge area if I can have conversation, otherwise not so much. I'd much rather go to a nice, low-key bar where significant interaction can occur)
    -in fact, I just don't really like going out to loud environments and not being noticed. I can totally handle it if I'm with people I know b/c they'll pay attention to me... wow, that makes me sound infantile
    -working out with dual (we can't go running together. for me, the point is ALWAYS FI - I want to grow closer. For him, it's time to workout and he's "in the zone." It's fine as long as I can be okay with going for that purpose or if I can manage to keep up with him. Again, it really depends on how patient he can be with me.)

    I love my dualie.

    I think the best thing to do is give in unless you REALLY don't want to. So, if my dual wants to go bar-hopping, I will go unless I really don't feel like it that particular night, in which case I'll tell him. I've learned that. If I know I won't have fun, I shouldn't go anyway and try to look like I'm having fun, because it won't work after a certain point (ignoring ). Compromise is king.
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    Quote Originally Posted by octopuslove View Post
    Duals are meant to deal with opposite spheres of the world, right?
    Yes. I deal with relationships and people, kids, feelings, and he deals with the technical stuff, inanimate objects and things, BBQ's and meticulous work, reading and digesting the world through the Te looking-glass LOL.

    We have fun watching the Oscars; afterwards she performs her own speech as she receives her own oscar (right after showing us her home clipped mini slide show on her trip to Rome) and I stand up and applaud her...fun goes on.
    Last edited by Beautiful sky; 03-01-2011 at 06:53 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by octopuslove View Post

    a) Hang out in one person's happy place, then hang out in the other person's happy place, tolerating discomfort for the sake of the other person

    b) Slowly teach your dual to enjoy your happy place, introducing it to them from your base function's perspective until they love it

    d) Slowly teach your dual to enjoy your happy place, showing them how their ego functions are important there too, and helping them carve out a niche there
    This. SLE loves sports, clubbing, and loud social events, while I'm more of a homebody & prefer quiet activities such as art. We both love being with each other all the time so we'll endure the other persons world. It's really awesome because we often end up teaching each other about the things we love & we'll really start enjoying ourselves in the things we never thought we'd be into. He's getting me into dancing & sports, while I'm getting him into art & literature.

    We're also both similar in a lot of things, too. For example, we're both incredibly affectionate & passionate people, high sex drive, and very spontaneous. We both enjoy things such as fashion, decorating, working out, cooking, museums, travel, and learning about different cultures, ect. I suppose we're both pretty worldly in that aspect. When people see us together they often comment on how classy we look. lol
    Last edited by fox; 03-01-2011 at 03:19 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall View Post
    This. SLE loves sports, clubbing, and loud social events, while I'm more of a homebody & prefer quiet activities such as art. We both love being with each other all the time so we'll endure the other persons world. It's really awesome because we often end up teaching each other about the things we love & we'll really start enjoying ourselves in the things we never thought we'd be into. He's getting me into dancing & sports, while I'm getting him into art & literature.

    We're also both similar in a lot of things, too. For example, we're both incredibly affectionate & passionate people, high sex drive, and very spontaneous. We both enjoy things such as fashion, decorating, working out, cooking, museums, travel, and learning about different cultures, ect. I suppose we're both pretty worldly in that aspect. When people see us together they often comment on how classy we look. lol
    That's adding food to the relationship which makes it complete and interesting.

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    What's with all the slow options?
    I jump on them with facts about my activities, force them to learn how and why they are done, and don't lay off until they at least know the basics. Then I let them go do whatever they want, which may include something on their own, staying with me, or bringing me to try their activities.

    Another option is that I drop in on them during their activities and demand to be introduced to the activity, after which I have the choice they would otherwise have.

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    Quote Originally Posted by pianosinger View Post
    My understanding of Duality, is that your Dual can take you out of your "comfort zone" in such a way that you are perfectly willing to try anything with your Dual without feeling pressured to do so like you might with other types. Or something to that effect...
    That has been my experience. I used to feel pressured and uncomfortable just going out clubbing, bars, even gigs. I might've enjoyed Se-ing life up once in a while, but it always taxed me. In Duals' company it seems I can adjust to his rhytm naturally.

    From his side I think I can help him relax a bit, although was shocked when he told me he never relaxes really. His mind & body is always on. I think my company calms him down. He commented he enjoyed watching me (I was listening to music and laying on bed eyes closed while he was cooking), because I looked so peaceful. I love seeing him smile half-asleep when I start rambling.

    He seems to really like the quieter times with me.

    And I have absolutely nothing against the fact we both enjoy the finer things in life,and that he always knows where to get everything, e.g. the best foods and that he cooks like a masterchef.

  20. #20
    Creepy-Snaps

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    It's not about enjoying the activity, it's about enjoying spending time with the person you love.

    In reality/practicality, you take turns. Introverts need to get out once in a while, and Extroverts need to stay at home once in a while.

    The most important thing: SPENDING TIME TOGETHER. Fellow extroverts: if you take your introvert out to a club or to hang with friends, don't leave them alone! Nobody likes being left to their own devices in an environment they're uncomfortable with. Introduce them to your friends slowly, one person at a time, or walk around/dance with them at the club. Even if they don't like the activity naturally, they'll like spending time with you!!

    And to finish my post off with one of my favorite quotes, which I think applies here, in regards to doing out-of-your-own-character-things with your dual:
    "Learning takes place when stepping outside your comfort zone."

  21. #21
    Diaphanous's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    It's not about enjoying the activity, it's about enjoying spending time with the person you love.

    In reality/practicality, you take turns. Introverts need to get out once in a while, and Extroverts need to stay at home once in a while.

    The most important thing: SPENDING TIME TOGETHER. Fellow extroverts: if you take your introvert out to a club or to hang with friends, don't leave them alone! Nobody likes being left to their own devices in an environment they're uncomfortable with. Introduce them to your friends slowly, one person at a time, or walk around/dance with them at the club. Even if they don't like the activity naturally, they'll like spending time with you!!

    And to finish my post off with one of my favorite quotes, which I think applies here, in regards to doing out-of-your-own-character-things with your dual:
    "Learning takes place when stepping outside your comfort zone."
    Yes, yes, and yes.
    EII/INFj

    OVE

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    I was thinking about this, and I have more to add.

    Initially,

    My ISTP liked (but I didn't): watching movies, TV shows, spending a whole weekend inside at home, motorcycle rides.

    I (ENFP liked) but he didn't: going to happy hour on weeknights, going out a lot (lounges, bars, going out to dinner or brunch, going out to movies)

    Now...

    I like TV shows/movies (when we watch them together). He sold the motorcycle, but got a vespa which I'm ok with. I go out to happy hrs and events more than him, so he gets alone time. We started making brunch at home together, which isn't so bad actually.

    I gotta say it works out pretty well...

    He used to hate going out to dinner also (would rather order pizza), but now he's becoming more of a foodie after seeing some of the awesome food options out there! fireworks in your mouth.

    And he's also more willing to explore the nightlife. We went to a dive bar w/ bbq and darts last night and it was great. ISTps are great at darts!

    I think both people have to give a bit to make it work though.
    Hi! I'm an ENFP. :-)

  23. #23
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    My last two relationships have been with extraverts and yes, we really did take turns with each other's activities. You can't be together all the day, every day, you're still individuals with your own sets of like and dislikes. But you can enjoy and partake in each other's hobbies on occasion and this way you actually learn new things from each other.

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