blah so I'm going to talk about myself, cos i'm never personal on here. something about keeping distance or something. anyway. i've been thinking about the past and what i relate to and what i don't.
and in a way i was actually half-serious when i said i could be infp. the thing is some 4-like fixations like, feeling like i'm different from others, and that i don't know my identity and so forth do kind of half-ring true with me, as in i can relate. and i kind of want to feel things strongly etc etc blah blah
when i was young i remember telling me that i wasn't like other people, and that i was different and shit. and i also remember that i didn't really seem to relate properly to my family. and i've always been somewhat of an outsider.. i mean really, if i'm honest with myself i'm kind of a loner. i mean why else would i be on a forum?
the thing is if i look to pivotal moments in my life etc i don't really find "big events" instead i find isolated nuggets of being seperate from others, living "apart" from others. being somewhat superior to others.
i mean i used to kind of joke about how everyone else can go kill themselves, how no-one's important to me, and after that somehow people became like meaningless objects to me. and it's like when they talked and acted and so forth i was somewhat removed.
but really what rings true for me, is that i always wanted conflict. war, fighting etc, but in good humour. and on my own terms.
i never wanted to be a pawn in someone else's game. i always seemed to end up in unnecessary useless conflicts not knowing how i got in them and realising i didn't even care to be in them. and i was always kind of accidentally outspoken.
the thing is i hated a lot of ways people acted. like i hated it when people tried to be "nice" to me. i hated when i felt like people weren't "true", i hated it when people were "cautious", i hated it when people were apathetic.
i used to believe if someone didn't respond to me immediately then there was something wrong with them. if people hesitated they were trying to keep something from me. if people were nice to me they were trying to create an illusion on me, so that they could betray me.
and some people even dared to say i was difficult to deal with, so i was like fuck you. but then people would be at me that being like fuck you hurts people and i was like people should stop being so fucking sensitive and then people would complain that i swore too much. so it's like you can't please people.
people would tell me to "go easy" on people, to "interpret things differently", like if i read a slight into something that someone said people would try and be like "maybe they didn't mean it or something" which would make me pissed off at both the person slighting me and the person being all like maybe.
i used to have words like "maybe" that i'd expect people not to use. maybe is a bullshit word. i used to play games like "let's say definitely, let's be certain, let's be sure, don't hold back, all or nothing" but then would be like "you're always" and it's like fuck - oh and then people would be like it's always about you. who me, what? fuck off. (you always swear)
and so in a way i seemed to somehow attract too much attention then try and get rid of it. and i tried to act normal. and i tried to lay low. and i tired to not stick out and shit. and then someone would go yell at me or something and i'd want to fucking punch them. on that note i also hated people saying things like "take it easy", so fucking condescending.
anyway when i was a young teenager or something i had to take some kind of anger management class or something and it was so gay. they wanted us in a line, in rows, and to count to 10 or something. i got to like 2 or 3 and wanted to punch something. maybe i had adhd or something, but anyway, i hated that kind of bullshit. i just wanted to get the fuck out of there.
but it's like these "controlled" environments where you're in lines/rows etc. like pawns in a chessboard, they piss me off something chronic. and i always feel like i know too much or something. like, i know that people want to control me like i'm a peg in a board. and i don't want to play their game.
and i often wished i could be like other people and play the game. and be okay with playing the game. i used to be envious of charismatic people on tv who could act so normal. i was like they're cool with it. they're patient they can play the game. and then i'd find myself wanting to identify with "the bad guys" because they bent more rules. and it's like people were all for the "good guys" and i was quiet. i wouldn't dare speak that i don't actually really feel like i'm capable of being a good guy.
but the thing is, when i was about 12 i remember i could make a choice, i could either rebel and break away even further from where i was or i could compromise. and somehow i chose to compromise. and then every now and then i wonder why i decided to compromise.
and now it's like i can see bad things happening to other people and i don't want to step in. i can like dissasociate. i can be like "i'm not going to get involved", i can be like "it's not about me". i can be apathetic, i can not care. i can turn the other cheek. like i'd been told so many times before. but that just makes me feel weaker and weaker.
i think what interested me about personalities in the first place was that i kind of lost my personality at one point in my life, probably around 12, and i haven't reclaimed it. and it seems so far away. and every now and then i get reminders of it. but i'm "half the man i used to be"
on top of all that i seemed to have that problem where you can't name emotions. although curiously enough i was often trying to guess how people felt, verbally out loud. and sometimes people would correct etc. but i was kind of fuzzy and some things just clouded together. like there's "feeling good", "feeling bad", "in between".
But again I used to joke. Like if someone was like how are you today, I would be like "fucking terrible". And then if someone reacted wrongly (like say got really grave) I would just be like everything's cool.
Also there were various things like i paid too much attention. Like I had councelling and shit too. blah blah anger management. disruptive behaviour etc. anyway, i was told by some people that it's like i made them feel self-conscious by paying too much attention to them. So i'd try and tell them to pay me half-attention to neutralise. Then they'd try and tell me that it was "interesting" that i always think other people should adjust themselves for me. And i'd be like it was easier that way. and blah blah you can't expect.
When i saw councellors I tried to set things straight at the start and have a plan and shit. but it never went anywhere productive. they wanted to flow a script, keep me in the dark. gave me fucking psychological testing. weak visual memory, strong pattern finding/matching. slightly above-average intelligence. nothing out of the ordinary.
so i can't reconstruct an image i've just seen very well, can do a few lines. but give me numbers like 3, 5, 7 , 9 i can easily see +2.
not that great with names, but who is, can be difficult to get along with at first, but people can get used to me. impatient and abrupt.
you know all pretty normal. of course no-one really said much about my inability to name emotions and shit. it was just "curious" or "interesting".
it went something like "how would you feel if "... and i would always reframe. and then they would try and say how they'd feel and i'd say their feelings were wrong etc or not helpful, or such, and they would talk about situations beyond their control and start getting emotional. and like my tendency to give advice or look for things to alert of that happening before hand etc. reductive things like someone betrayed trust, and i'd find their first point of doubt and be like go with that. and should have listened at that moment etc. like, i suppose just anchoring to how they perceived without acting etc.
where was i going.
oh, so this personality shit. well, like, now days i want to uncover what personality things impact people and what can be done about various things and how to actually get benefit. rather than judging what type famous people or something are.
like when i was young i was a lot more useless interpersonally as when i was at my peak. then i got worse again. but i want to get better again.
i, myself, suffered from not really having any role-models. but what helped me when i was young is that i knew some people who were good at keying into various things. like i'd upset someone, then i'd apologise but at the same time i'd touch them, and that could make some people uncomfortable. and also sometimes i'd be too "reasonable" and logical, and not distant enough, too upclose personal, confrontational etc, wanting to resolve things immediately rather than letting things mend on their own. wanting to control peoples moods and shit whether or not it was about me. like you can't feel bad, when sometimes it helps people become stronger when you let them feel bad for a while etc. you shouldn't intervene too much or too little. long leash, short leash, as long as they have a pulse and they're not going to kill themselves all good!
but at the same i'm realising a lot of people just want to be told what to believe and that's wrong. like what type am i? you should understand for yourself.
i'm still not really sure on my type for myself. but to be honest, i still haven't really looked into it properly. and how long have i been here for? who do i relate to?
it was going around with me being entj for a while, then sle. entj sounded nice, Se hidden agenda. not the worst idea in the world. i can kind of logical, and kind of intuitive to my mind.
but my logic does seem kind of "readily changable", i think creative ti does fit me well, but i've never properly considered se versus ne. i don't really feel like i pay that much attention to power dynamics, i try to side step them. but ne types seem to ignore them. i dunno, that area's fine to leave for me at the moment.
although, if i'm se dominant you'd think i'd have more composure and self-control. and maybe i'm just biased cos all the entp's on here are lame. oh shit, shooting myself in the foot!
so i think i'll just stick with saying i'm infp for a while and maybe it's time for me to get more personally involved now that i've said where i'm coming from.