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Thread: The need to be in a relationship

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    redbaron's Avatar
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    Default The need to be in a relationship

    It's probably more instinct related but I'm wondering if anyone has noticed any patterns in terms of some types needing/wanting to be in a relationship whereas others being more okay with being alone. Could also be an introvert/extrovert thing. I read somewhere that extroverts tend to get married before introverts and when they marry each other (E-E relationships) it goes south eventually. I wonder if that's true. I don't remember where I heard that now.
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    It def sounds like more of an extrovert thing on average from my experience.

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    I'm an introvert, I love having lots of time alone, but I hate not being in a relationship. It's really more like man addiction.

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    I've seen people go from crappy relationship to crappy relationship based solely on the fact that they couldn't stand to be single for even a small amount of time. I've noticed this more in women than men I've known though. I doubt it's type related though, as my identical was someone I knew like this and I'm nothing at all like that.

    I'm not speaking of being in a crappy relationship with someone and not being able to get away from it due to being afraid of being single... to me that's a bit different. In my last relationship I did everything in my power to stay together before it just got to a point where we both knew it wouldn't work.

    My first paragraph was speaking more of the kind of person who just goes from relationship to relationship due to not wanting to be alone. Not really the same, to me, as a person who doesn't want to end a relationship due to wanting to be alone. Hopefully that makes at least some sense.

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    The thing I don't get it and why a lot of relationships end is probably the need to 'define' and 'label' everything. You're always in close relationships with people, and feel varying amounts of closeness. It's just so natural and organic. If you weren't, you wouldn't be alive- you'd be a dead ghost or something. You can't help it, all humans are naturally social, we all connect and talk with each other.

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    being alone is way too boring for me. what would i do all day? who would i talk to? and most importantly, how long can you go without sex? *shudder*

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    feeling types, on average, in my opinion...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blaze View Post
    being alone is way too boring for me. what would i do all day? who would i talk to? and most importantly, how long can you go without sex? *shudder*
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blaze View Post
    being alone is way too boring for me. what would i do all day? who would i talk to? and most importantly, how long can you go without sex? *shudder*
    sigh. years.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bionicgoat View Post
    sigh. years.
    what's worse is being married and going without it. that's not my situation but I know someone for whom that has been the case for many many years....
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    I've wondered this too, since I'm not someone that has an urge to be in a relationship. I actually have to fight the urge to not want one, since love is an excruciating experience for me . I tend to doubt things too easily, and that's not good for a relationship either. I think that people who need to be in a relationship all the time just see it as something positive, rather thinking of the potential negatives which, imo, makes someone avoid relationships.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
    I've wondered this too, since I'm not someone that has an urge to be in a relationship. I actually have to fight the urge to not want one, since love is an excruciating experience for me . I tend to doubt things too easily, and that's not good for a relationship either. I think that people who need to be in a relationship all the time just see it as something positive, rather thinking of the potential negatives which, imo, makes someone avoid relationships.
    I tend to doubt things too. but think of it this way: maybe you just need a partner who is reassuring and can kind of provide the force of will that the relationship needs. Aren't you ILI? So if you had a SeFi partner, that Se would help.
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    I tend to doubt things too. but think of it this way: maybe you just need a partner who is reassuring and can kind of provide the force of will that the relationship needs. Aren't you ILI? So if you had a SeFi partner, that Se would help.
    Actually I'm EII, lol. But yeah, I would need someone who is reassuring about things so that I don't have to be doubting when I see something off.

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    Can't say that I have any particular 'need' to be in a relationship. ILIs tend to crave independence more than anything. I can see this need more in SJ types maybe? This does not mean that I don't love my DW dearly and that I wouldn't be devastated if she was gone, so don't take the above too literally. I just think the instinctual desire for a 'relationship' is stronger in other types.

    Maybe it has to do something with craving a physical right now in front of you connection. As an example, my wife and I before we were married and even for the first year after we were married actually had a long distance relationship for many years. Different training programs in different areas of the country and different careers but we finally managed to settle down in the same town and under the same room with each other. I know that the LDR was a whole lot tougher on her than it was on me, and I'm pretty sure that had something to do with not being an SJ type. My sis-in-law, an ESE, seems similar and did go from one rotten relationship to another. Now she's a little older and past that I think and being more choosey and is ok with being alone for a little bit.
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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    I've seen this the most with SEEs who go out 'hunting' for a relationship if they don't have one.
    I can definitely see that... Maybe it's more of an SF thing then.

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    I wish I knew how to make a relationship a positive experience for me, for more than a very short while. Haven't figured that out yet, and it's less lonely to be alone. Being without a relationship isn't as much of a problem for me as being in one, lol.

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    Quote Originally Posted by squark View Post
    I wish I knew how to make a relationship a positive experience for me, for more than a very short while. Haven't figured that out yet, and it's less lonely to be alone. Being without a relationship isn't as much of a problem for me as being in one, lol.
    this can certainly be true. often, they're more trouble than they're worth.
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    I think there is something in the psychological make up of people who need to be in a relationship, but I'm not sure what it is. I wonder if there are any studies out there on this subject. I would be hesitant to apply it to any type, club, or quadra.
    “No psychologist should pretend to understand what he does not understand... Only fools and charlatans know everything and understand nothing.” -Anton Chekhov

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bardia View Post
    I think there is something in the psychological make up of people who need to be in a relationship, but I'm not sure what it is. I wonder if there are any studies out there on this subject. I would be hesitant to apply it to any type, club, or quadra.
    well it might be an instinct stacking thing. sx-first? Maybe sx-second has more of a back and forth thing regarding relationships with sx-last being perfectly happy without a relationship, for the most part.
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    well it might be an instinct stacking thing. sx-first? Maybe sx-second has more of a back and forth thing regarding relationships with sx-last being perfectly happy without a relationship, for the most part.
    Yeah, I'd say this.
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    well it might be an instinct stacking thing. sx-first? Maybe sx-second has more of a back and forth thing regarding relationships with sx-last being perfectly happy without a relationship, for the most part.
    That would make a lot more sense than any particular group in socionics.
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    it's called "daddy issues", parents are emotionally absent while they grow up, so when they get older they have a huge need for confirmation/acceptance - and they get that need met by constantly jumping from relationship to relationship.

    it's alot more visible or common in sensors though, since they probably wont reflect on their lifestyle apart from intuitives.

    Or they could just be swedish chicks

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    It's probably more instinct related but I'm wondering if anyone has noticed any patterns in terms of some types needing/wanting to be in a relationship whereas others being more okay with being alone. Could also be an introvert/extrovert thing. I read somewhere that extroverts tend to get married before introverts and when they marry each other (E-E relationships) it goes south eventually. I wonder if that's true. I don't remember where I heard that now.
    Well, I've been without a relationship for the last three years. I don't need to be in one for any emotional reason. I want one for companionship and deep sexual connection, which I have a really hard time doing without a relationship because as soon as I give the signs of caring, which I can do very easily and show that very deeply, men get addicted to me. So, I haven't tried to look for one lately. I'm not lonely, I don't feel like I have to have one. Because I'm an introvert, it's not easy for me to go out and make shallow connections with people and just forget about them. I like deep deep bonds that are valuable emotionally. It's hard for me to have meaningless sex, and even the thought of it is just not appealing (actually, almost really depressing). So, yeah. I would say that I am the master of relationships that values so many different types of connections at all levels, but that I want a relationship (sexual/physical) one to be meaningful and if I can't have that then I don't want any. I would rather be alone and have a million friends then to have a shallow connection.

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