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Thread: Capacity for intimacy in relationships (lotsa open-ended questions)

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    Default Capacity for intimacy in relationships (lotsa open-ended questions)

    I'm not talking about physical intimacy, obviously, but emotional intimacy.

    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?

    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with? Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with? Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?

    My answer to that is: probably not. I'm beginning to think I have a low capacity. Either that or I need to make some new friends.

    Maybe another way to talk about this is to ask: do you normally hold people at arm's length? And if so, why? Is this a learned behavior or do you think it's related to type?

    Talk about what you think it means to really know someone.

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    Your DNA is mine. Mediator Kam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    I'm not talking about physical intimacy, obviously, but emotional intimacy.

    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?

    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with? Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with? Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?

    My answer to that is: probably not. I'm beginning to think I have a low capacity. Either that or I need to make some new friends.

    Maybe another way to talk about this is to ask: do you normally hold people at arm's length? And if so, why? Is this a learned behavior or do you think it's related to type?

    Talk about what you think it means to really know someone.
    I strongly desire emotional intimacy with someone, but it seems when I want to open up to people I know, my "realness" makes them a little uncomfortable. People usually see me as the happy guy who easily smiles and laughs. But no one hears about my emotions, no matter how meaningful and intense they may be, so when they do, they are unsure on how to respond to me. They are caught unawares, and it is for this reason I don't talk to people I know about my life problems. And it becomes a vicious cycle. It is like I put out my heart and my soul to people, and all they can say is "aww" at one extreme, pandering to me or "hmm" at the other end, not taking me seriously.

    This is why I would much prefer to reveal my problems with my online persona. People have no expectations, and they will just read the post and answer me as they see fit. If anything, I tell deep things about my life to a various number of people that I have not actually met, but I trust them to help me. Real life is for physical intimacy, online is for emotional intimacy.

    In response to your question "Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?".
    I don't even know myself inside and out, because I often surprise myself with how I feel and how I change. It is impossible for a person to know all of me and I wouldn't want someone to know all of me. They wouldn't be my friend.

    I hold people at arm's length in real life because I know people cannot easily connect with my feelings, and even with my closest friends, I would shy away from telling them much because how I feel and how I act are two separate arenas. I wouldn't expect people to understand much of my deepest desires, because it would need pages of explanation and I don't think they need to know all that. I would feel naked and exposed if everything was revealed to the public eye. But as I said, I want someone in my life I can share everything with. I would say it is learned from years of rejection.

    To know someone is to be free of any misconceptions about them, to be free of any hang-ups regarding your expression to them and for them to be free of any hang-ups to you.
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    I'm not talking about physical intimacy, obviously, but emotional intimacy.

    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?
    I'm pretty sure I have a high capacity and desire for emotional intimacy, but a low capacity for trusting anyone near enough to have any.

    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with? Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with? Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?
    Rofl. You know the answer to this. Of course there's not any one person, and I think almost all IEIs would answer the same, except really lucky ones who probably have duals or w/e. There are some people who get pretty darn close, but my best secrets I keep for myself. And perhaps it could be said that writing poetry is a way of sharing one's secrets with everyone and no one and one person (or a select group of individuals). I learned that from a certain poet who shall remain nameless but who may or may not have residence in my avatar. Most of all, the first one is how I live my life. I have different people to share different things with.
    My answer to that is: probably not. I'm beginning to think I have a low capacity. Either that or I need to make some new friends.
    Some of both? But if I had to guess, I'd say you're like me: large capacity for intimacy, low capacity for trust. Which is normally how it is: the more you want something, the harder it is to accept it and rest in it, because you're scared it will go away. So you don't fully accept it even when you have the option of doing so.

    Maybe another way to talk about this is to ask: do you normally hold people at arm's length? And if so, why? Is this a learned behavior or do you think it's related to type?

    Talk about what you think it means to really know someone.
    To really know someone is to have sounded the bottom notes of compass. There's no way to describe it but in poetry. In MBTI I used to think I was NT because Kiersey said that NTs want a mind meld, for someone to share all their thoughts. Since I'm someone who keeps his soul in verbal form, which tends to look like thoughts, I want someone to mind meld with. I mean, to know someone means that you've fallen all the way into them, which is a heck of a lot to do. And hopefully it's mutual, because otherwise it's hella dangerous.

    So yes, I hold people at arms length without seeming to do so. Because I am extraordinarily open with layers one through seven of myself. And a lot of the things I consider layers one through seven are things other people might consider level 10 private, while I consider it external and unimportant. But levels 8 through 10 are impenetrable. This would be a great time to deploy my Anna Karenina quote: "He was just a child, he was a boy; but his knew his own soul, and loved it, and he protected it as the eyelid protects the eye, and did not let anybody into his soul without the key of love."
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

    Yes 'a ma'am that's pretty music...

    I am grateful for the mystery of the soul, because without it, there could be no contemplation, except of the mysteries of divinity, which are far more dangerous to get wrong.

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    I'm not talking about physical intimacy, obviously, but emotional intimacy.

    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?
    Generally low.

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with?
    Yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with?
    Yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?
    No and yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Maybe another way to talk about this is to ask: do you normally hold people at arm's length? And if so, why?
    Because I don't trust people and I am afraid of being hurt. Despite my outward veneer and the general demeanor I like to project, I'm very fragile and prone to criticism. In fact, I usually focus on the negative more than I do compliments and other positive feedback, but the feedback has the potential to make me feel better, more secure, and more confident in whatever area positive feedback is received. It's really just relative to where the feedback comes from and how much I value that individual's opinion.

    I'm an optimist who occasionally suffers from bouts of pessimism. I tend to call maintaining a balance between these two traits being a "realist," and that is how I prefer to see myself.

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    I think alpha entp/isfps are the best at gauging the right sort of emotional distance to have with people, in the objective sense. They are just 'cool' that way. I mean, look at Vero and Steve, and BG. They all have this knack.

    Betas are either in too deep or too distant. But I wouldn't really prefer it any other way.

    Idk it's sort of a natural ability. Like how some people make others feel included, and like 'loved' but in a way where like, they won't feel too intense right away and be awkward.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    I think alpha entp/isfps are the best at gauging the right sort of emotional distance to have with people, in the objective sense. They are just 'cool' that way. I mean, look at Vero and Steve, and BG. They all have this knack.

    Betas are either in too deep or too distant. But I wouldn't really prefer it any other way.

    Idk it's sort of a natural ability. Like how some people make others feel included, and like 'loved' but in a way where like, they won't feel too intense right away and be awkward.
    I do think alphas are good at this, initially. I've never been as easily drawn into a group as well as cared for on the surface, as I have been with alphas. But after that... leave something to be desired somehow. It's like if you really want the meat, you have to find a beta. (at least for me, that's how it's been)

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    I share different parts of my life with different people, often not wanting them to know more than that. I imagine there are be some people who'd be surprised to meet and talk to each other about me, because I get so different feedback from them. There are some who know much better than others, though even with them I never share everything. It's actually kind of ambiguous, on one hand I always had this strong desire to be really close with someone - used to be one of those kids with idealized view of friendship - and I kept being disappointed. Though I quickly learned not to expose too much of myself, it still happens at times. I long for such intimacy yet at the same time there's mistrust, it takes time to let someone see more than I show just anyone. Like I'm obsessively guarding my privacy while looking for a close bond at the same time. So I'd say I have a high capacity for intimacy in theory and currently low to a varying degree in practice.

    I'm not sure how much it relates to it, but when trying to decide between sp/sx and sx/sp for myself (so last if there ever was one), I've found sx/sp stacking described as sp instinct "blocking" sx in a very similar way to what I'm trying to convey above. This was only one though so I'm not sure how much of it is the nature of instinctual stackings and how much is a single interpretation, but it really worked. At any rate, my point is, sx seems to deal with emotional intimacy as discussed in this thread. I don't know what's your stacking, redbaron, but as this forum seems overrun with IEI sx first and some people were even suggesting you aren't one because you're different, maybe it's what you're looking for.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aiss View Post
    I share different parts of my life with different people, often not wanting them to know more than that. I imagine there are be some people who'd be surprised to meet and talk to each other about me, because I get so different feedback from them. There are some who know much better than others, though even with them I never share everything. It's actually kind of ambiguous, on one hand I always had this strong desire to be really close with someone - used to be one of those kids with idealized view of friendship - and I kept being disappointed. Though I quickly learned not to expose too much of myself, it still happens at times. I long for such intimacy yet at the same time there's mistrust, it takes time to let someone see more than I show just anyone. Like I'm obsessively guarding my privacy while looking for a close bond at the same time. So I'd say I have a high capacity for intimacy in theory and currently low to a varying degree in practice.
    This is very true for me as well.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aiss View Post
    It's actually kind of ambiguous, on one hand I always had this strong desire to be really close with someone - used to be one of those kids with idealized view of friendship - and I kept being disappointed. Though I quickly learned not to expose too much of myself, it still happens at times. I long for such intimacy yet at the same time there's mistrust, it takes time to let someone see more than I show just anyone. Like I'm obsessively guarding my privacy while looking for a close bond at the same time. So I'd say I have a high capacity for intimacy in theory and currently low to a varying degree in practice.
    relate.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aiss View Post
    I'm not sure how much it relates to it, but when trying to decide between sp/sx and sx/sp for myself (so last if there ever was one), I've found sx/sp stacking described as sp instinct "blocking" sx in a very similar way to what I'm trying to convey above. This was only one though so I'm not sure how much of it is the nature of instinctual stackings and how much is a single interpretation, but it really worked. At any rate, my point is, sx seems to deal with emotional intimacy as discussed in this thread. I don't know what's your stacking, redbaron, but as this forum seems overrun with IEI sx first and some people were even suggesting you aren't one because you're different, maybe it's what you're looking for.
    yeah I know I'm not sx-first. I'm def. sp/sx and that's probably the crux of it right there.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Capitalist Pig View Post
    I'm an optimist who occasionally suffers from bouts of pessimism. I tend to call maintaining a balance between these two traits being a "realist," and that is how I prefer to see myself.
    I would say the same about myself as well.

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    Quote Originally Posted by silverchris9 View Post
    Of course there's not any one person, and I think almost all IEIs would answer the same, except really lucky ones who probably have duals or w/e.
    yeah. my IEI brother once told me that he's so close to his SLE wife that he feels he IS her and that if she died, he would die too. Literally. That's something I've never felt ever. About anyone.

    There are some people who get pretty darn close, but my best secrets I keep for myself. And perhaps it could be said that writing poetry is a way of sharing one's secrets with everyone and no one and one person (or a select group of individuals).
    absolutely.
    I learned that from a certain poet who shall remain nameless but who may or may not have residence in my avatar.
    :wink:

    But if I had to guess, I'd say you're like me: large capacity for intimacy, low capacity for trust. Which is normally how it is: the more you want something, the harder it is to accept it and rest in it, because you're scared it will go away. So you don't fully accept it even when you have the option of doing so.
    I guess that's right.

    To really know someone is to have sounded the bottom notes of compass. There's no way to describe it but in poetry. In MBTI I used to think I was NT because Kiersey said that NTs want a mind meld, for someone to share all their thoughts. Since I'm someone who keeps his soul in verbal form, which tends to look like thoughts, I want someone to mind meld with. I mean, to know someone means that you've fallen all the way into them, which is a heck of a lot to do. And hopefully it's mutual, because otherwise it's hella dangerous.
    truth.
    So yes, I hold people at arms length without seeming to do so. Because I am extraordinarily open with layers one through seven of myself. And a lot of the things I consider layers one through seven are things other people might consider level 10 private, while I consider it external and unimportant.
    yes, I'm the same! "without seeming to do so", exactly.
    But levels 8 through 10 are impenetrable. This would be a great time to deploy my Anna Karenina quote: "He was just a child, he was a boy; but his knew his own soul, and loved it, and he protected it as the eyelid protects the eye, and did not let anybody into his soul without the key of love."
    ahhhhhh.... awesome quote.

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    Haven't you deployed the Karenina quote about 5 times by now? YOUR SOUL IS A PRECIOUS EYEBALL, WE GET IT. Now can you please find a new quote?

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    Trust no one. Everyone lies. You will never know anyone completely, not even yourself.

    It doesn't really matter, you can and often will still love. The expectation will break you just as soon as the doubt.

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    Trust no one. Everyone lies.
    Jaded and bitter. The bad thing about this is, even though it's mostly true, it's also the most boring thing in the universe. Like Miley Cyrus said sometimes you have to be hurt by others in life to learn.....and clarify what you want. Besides it's a good way to test people.

    It doesn't really matter, you can and often will still love.
    For the most part, you get back what you put out...like a boomerang. Just pay attention to how you're really behaving.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hkkmr View Post
    It doesn't really matter, you can and often will still love. The expectation will break you just as soon as the doubt.
    I love this.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    Jaded and bitter. The bad thing about this is, even though it's mostly true, it's also the most boring thing in the universe. Like Miley Cyrus said sometimes you have to be hurt by others in life to learn.....and clarify what you want. Besides it's a good way to test people.
    yes exactly.

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    I think alpha entp/isfps are the best at gauging the right sort of emotional distance to have with people
    Just FYI, ENTps are characteristically known for NOT being able to do this. It is something listed verbatim in a lot of descriptions of the type.

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    If his concept of an ENTp is faulty it is even more important for him to realize that the trait he ascribes to the type is diametrically opposed to the one canonically ascribed to it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by labcoat View Post
    If his concept of an ENTp is faulty it is even more important for him to realize that the trait he ascribes to the type is diametrically opposed to the one canonically ascribed to it.
    what

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    yeah. my IEI brother once told me that he's so close to his SLE wife that he feels he IS her and that if she died, he would die too. Literally. That's something I've never felt ever. About anyone.
    Jealous?

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    labcoat is correct. That trait defines a big chunk of Fi PoLR.

    In my own experience, when I try to start a conversation, I can seem either overly tactful or a callous jerk. It's hard to find the middle ground.

    It's also something I really envy in my SEE brother who can enter a short psychological distance and have a conversation with anyone he just met, to the delight of the interlocutor.
    Capitalism is the belief that the rich won't work hard when they don't earn enough money, and that the poor won't work hard when they earn too much.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mercutio View Post
    Jealous?
    yeah, kinda. Then on the other hand I try to tell myself that maybe it's weak to need another person that much or to be tied to them that deeply.

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    Intimacy for a ILE is like trying to solve P=NP, when you don't even know if P=NP.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    Haven't you deployed the Karenina quote about 5 times by now? YOUR SOUL IS A PRECIOUS EYEBALL, WE GET IT. Now can you please find a new quote?
    No. That's the point. It works, it fits, it's accurate. Why would I use a different quote when this one says what I mean? If it makes you feel any better, I apologized for using by using the word "deploy." also, it's like a mantra. You can't say it too often. You're just mad 'cause it's melodramatic. But it's just SO pretty!
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

    Yes 'a ma'am that's pretty music...

    I am grateful for the mystery of the soul, because without it, there could be no contemplation, except of the mysteries of divinity, which are far more dangerous to get wrong.

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    I'm not talking about physical intimacy, obviously, but emotional intimacy.

    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?
    Low probably


    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with? Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with? Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?
    No one knows me inside and out, not even family members. My mother probably comes closest to it but there is quite a bit about me that she doesn't know. There are parts of me, I'm just not comfortable sharing with her, likely due to differences in socionic types. (I suspect she's an EII) Interestingly enough, there are things I would share with just about everyone *but* family members.

    I'm an enneagram type 5 and type 5's are known to compartmentalize different parts of their lives. They will share part A of themselves with person X but not share part B. Meanwhile, they will share part B with person Y but not part A. Everyone see selected parts of them, but no one gets to see the whole picture. Also they will keep friends from separate realms in their life separate from each other so that friend X doesn't meet friend Y.

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Maybe another way to talk about this is to ask: do you normally hold people at arm's length? And if so, why? Is this a learned behavior or do you think it's related to type?
    I tend to keep a large psychological distance with others until I feel more comfortable with them and they have earned my trust. I think for me, its a combination of learned behavior and type.
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?
    high

    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with? Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with? Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?
    yeah, individual boundaries determine this. if the spaces naturally align, so it is.


    holding people at arm's length is necessary, in ways. why would you respect someone who couldn't get past a guard, or was unsettled by it?

    Talk about what you think it means to really know someone.
    hm, you usually don't need to say a lot to them.

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    Quote Originally Posted by strrrng View Post
    hm, you usually don't need to say a lot to them.
    Yeah. +10.
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

    Yes 'a ma'am that's pretty music...

    I am grateful for the mystery of the soul, because without it, there could be no contemplation, except of the mysteries of divinity, which are far more dangerous to get wrong.

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    squark's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    I'm not talking about physical intimacy, obviously, but emotional intimacy.

    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?

    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with? Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with? Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?

    My answer to that is: probably not. I'm beginning to think I have a low capacity. Either that or I need to make some new friends.

    Maybe another way to talk about this is to ask: do you normally hold people at arm's length? And if so, why? Is this a learned behavior or do you think it's related to type?

    Talk about what you think it means to really know someone.
    Not sure what you mean by high or low capacity. In volume: extremely low. But with a select few: high. . . eventually. Most people don't take the time to bother getting to know me. It's all superficial questions followed by assumptions. It's kind of disappointing really, to have people walk away thinking they know all about you, and they didn't even breach the outer layer.

    I don't like spilling my guts like roadkill for any vulture who happens by to feast on. And I feel bad for those people who do that, because they must be so desperate for some kind of human connection, validation, or just acknowledgment, that they're willing to throw themselves out there to anyone. Sometimes they get lucky, and it falls on sympathetic ears, but often they're not so lucky, and it's held against them. Then, they're even more alone than before.

    Of course I want to be known and to connect, and I'd love to have one person who really knows me well. And I like knowing that a person feels safe around me, and can open him/herself up to me too. I think we all need that. We need close friends, and people we can trust. There's always risk involved in trust and openness, but that's true of anything worthwhile. I guess you just have to choose who you share with, and what you share so that even if they betray you, it was worth it.

  33. #33
    ~~rubicon~~ Rubicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?
    Not sure what your definition of high is. Perhaps mine is low. I don't like being actively emotionally invaded. Feeling emotionally invaded without words is great though. Because you can maintain your um dignity and choose to outwardly acknowledge the occurrence or not. I prefer moments of true intimacy rather than prolonged periods of halfway-there intimacy. Dart in, dart out.
    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with? Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with? Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?
    Nah. I don't even know myself. :-p Having someone know me inside and out sounds romantic in theory.. actually no it doesn't.. in reality, I think it would reduce me to a collection of banal details.. which I know I am! So let's not explore that further. :-p It would cancel me out I guess. Make me part of the world.
    Maybe another way to talk about this is to ask: do you normally hold people at arm's length? And if so, why? Is this a learned behavior or do you think it's related to type?
    I hold people at arm's length by default.. I don't go out of my way to.. uh I guess it's type-related because I've always been like that. I figure that people make an effort if they care slightly about knowing someone, so whatever. I don't have any rules in that regard though. I might 'open' up to a stranger if I feel like it.. I'm usually well aware of what I'm doing though.. I don't care to spew up stuff for the heck of it. There has to be a reason. Maybe I want to gain another perspective regarding some issue, or I feel like a person can help me with something.. or maybe I'll never see the person again, so heh :-p.. But in general, I don't think of getting close to someone as such a sacred thing. I can learn from the experience no matter what happens.. Being wounded can only be a good thing :-P.. it speaks of experience which increases understanding. As long as you maintain control. Or lose control whilst maintaining perspective. Um.. but this is just talk :/ .. in reality, getting close to people is often not worth it.. too wearying and depressing and pedantic and what's the point. :/
    Talk about what you think it means to really know someone.
    Um.. to read big into small things about a person, correctly. To speak their language.. know when to believe them, when not to. Know when to listen and when not to.
    Last edited by Rubicon; 08-26-2010 at 09:14 AM.
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    I have a high capacity.

    I think the only people I would attempt to open up to at such a level are my future lovers. However, I would not attempt to know them "inside and out" nor would I expect them to know me "inside and out". Some distance is good for longing and also for tolerance of the other person's flaws.

    I keep people at a distance because I do not currently have lovers to keep super close.

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    yeah, kinda. Then on the other hand I try to tell myself that maybe it's weak to need another person that much or to be tied to them that deeply.
    Also, if his wife were to die, he'd really, really want to die too...keep that in mind....

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    Quote Originally Posted by Random Ness View Post
    Also, if his wife were to die, he'd really, really want to die too...keep that in mind....
    I know. He knows it too! On the other hand, I wonder if, having been dualized for so long, he'd be healthy enough to handle it.

    When my LII grandfather passed away, all his kids were worried that my ESE grandma would soon follow because they had been very close. But she's doing great, even two years later now.

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    I think this is a great question. This is something that has been on my mind recently.

    I would consider myself to have a potential relatively high capacity for emotional intimacy because of what I consider to be the depth or passion of my feelings, ideas, etc. (with reference to myers-briggs, I believe NF's generally experience this the most) But on the other hand, there is no one in my life right now with whom I can fully share myself.

    Perhaps those with the highest capacity for intimacy experience the least amount of intimacy (or rather the least satisfaction) because of the difficulty of finding someone with whom to share their depth of feeling, etc.
    I definitely share different parts of my life with different people, but for now I hope and believe that there is someone out there--who I'm hoping to be my future mate--with whom I can share at least some of my deepest sentiments. I can't really do that with anyone now. I do hold people at arm's length. Part of it is their inability to relate to myself, and part of it is my reluctance to "burden" people with any of my troubles, which mostly don't need to be shared anyway because I ultimately know their solution and am just unwilling (or unable) to put it into action. I would consider it a learned behavior. It is pretty disheartening to share your self with someone only to realize they don't really "get" you. I have done this all too often with my mother. I hate it, because I feel she should be one of those close to me. But we're on totally different wavelengths (she's an ISTJ and I'm an INFP, which probably explains alot).

    What do I think it is to really know someone? I wish I had experience enough to really answer this question. I would say it is rare to really know someone. To know their deepest desires, their thoughts, their hidden weaknesses and strengths...

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    Quote Originally Posted by positivelyambrosial View Post
    I do hold people at arm's length. Part of it is their inability to relate to myself, and part of it is my reluctance to "burden" people with any of my troubles, which mostly don't need to be shared anyway because I ultimately know their solution and am just unwilling (or unable) to put it into action. I would consider it a learned behavior. It is pretty disheartening to share your self with someone only to realize they don't really "get" you. I have done this all too often with my mother. I hate it, because I feel she should be one of those close to me. But we're on totally different wavelengths (she's an ISTJ and I'm an INFP, which probably explains alot).
    Exactly right.

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    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?
    high. and people usually will feel comfortable with me and tell me things. i can get people to open up.

    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with?
    yes but it's more a depth vs surface thing than isolated life areas, if that makes any sense.

    Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with?
    no there is moire than one.

    Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?
    a few people know me very very well and most of my energy goes to them. i don't put a lot of energy into people who are not in this category.

    My answer to that is: probably not. I'm beginning to think I have a low capacity. Either that or I need to make some new friends.
    i've noticed that the older people get, myself included, the less tolerant and open they are. also the busier and more obligated they are. this makes it harder to make friends as we age.

    Maybe another way to talk about this is to ask: do you normally hold people at arm's length? And if so, why? Is this a learned behavior or do you think it's related to type?
    not usually.

    Talk about what you think it means to really know someone.
    knowing someone is knowing things about them that they tell you but also, and perhaps more importantly, knowing how they will behave in certain situations. actual behavior hold more water than what people will say.

    I think alpha entp/isfps are the best at gauging the right sort of emotional distance to have with people
    Just FYI, ENTps are characteristically known for NOT being able to do this. It is something listed verbatim in a lot of descriptions of the type.
    my interpretation of the emphasis in what B&D said was on emotional not relational intimacy. ILE's are the ultimate democrats this way and we are very receptive to direct emotional expressions and we honor them on a close and personal distance. i like it when people tell me how they feel or when i can see how they feel. makes me feel like i know a little better what's going on. it's when people focus on relationship behaviors such as i'll give you a gift now you have to give me one that we don't know what to do with.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

  40. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    I'm not talking about physical intimacy, obviously, but emotional intimacy.

    Do you consider yourself to have a low capacity for this, or high?

    Do you have different people that you share different parts of your life with? Is there any ONE PERSON you share everything with? Or do you share everything with several people? Is there any one person in your life who truly knows you, inside and out?

    My answer to that is: probably not. I'm beginning to think I have a low capacity. Either that or I need to make some new friends.

    Maybe another way to talk about this is to ask: do you normally hold people at arm's length? And if so, why? Is this a learned behavior or do you think it's related to type?

    Talk about what you think it means to really know someone.
    I think it's type related. I'm LII and I do hold people at arm's length. Probably because I'm an introvert and most people are annoying and because I like to spend time on my own. I'm not too alone or isolated because I have a few friends and family who care about me. In spite of my restraint I open up easily to people I know well enough. But there are things about myself I haven't told anyone and never will. I'm often secretive and conceited and I care about getting things done well not about relationships.

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