ISTps and anger management

[jessica129]

How do the fellow ISTP's out there deal with anger? I seem to have a real issue with it. It's gotten me into numerous sticky situations and I'm quite embarrassed after the fact. I tend to internalize everything until they reach their max and when that happens, whew, you better watch out. Is this a common theme among istps?

[Topaz]

What seems to set you off? Do you stay mad for long periods or get over it rather quickly? Do remember an upset for a long time?

[jessica129]

Just about anything I perceive as a threatening behavior will set me off. Although, since i'm so paranoid about everything, that basically means everything.

I can get over what angers me very fast..I can't count how many times i've broken up with my boyfriend over stupid reasons. One day i will be completely and utterly done with him and the next, I'm begging him to forigive me.. it's really quite pathetic. I also seem to get into things with random strangers too so that's not good. I think it all stems from paranoia.

[Rocky]

Hmm... yes, this all seems like it could be related to Si. The aggression part I mean.

And could the parnoia be related to this?


Introverted Sensing:

Can sometimes fear for their health, well-being, or lives when it would seem unrealistic. If they are too removed from the objective world, then they can have these suspecions, such as someone popping up and killing them. These can be relayed onto others as well, so Si might think some unhealthy act happened to a friend. They can also be suspecious of the people around them, talking about them, etc... which is when they display an outward appearence of being tired.

[schrödinger's cat]

This is from the ISTp description by Stratyevskaya, from the section where she describes the ISTps' PoLR (Fe). I happened to read it yesterday and found it interesting.

• ISTp irritate any manifestation of roughness, caddishness, sharp and scandalous tone. And although far from all representatives of this type are characterized by irreproachable manners, their own roughness most frequently is manifested as response reaction caused by the tactlessness of others. [...]
  ...
  Apparent insensibility and the impenetrability Of ISTp - shielding reaction to any emotional pressure. The stronger they act on him, the less emotions he expresses. [...] Originally benevolent and peaceful, he suffers from the caused offence, but any attempt to find out the degree of his emotional receptivity agitates him very deeply as exceptional baseness as penetration in his "holy of holies" with the meanest intentions. "I do not love, when they climb into my soul, and I do not love, when they spit into it" (Vysotskiy).
  ...
  He will from the last forces try to appear restrained, calm, in control, which is imperturbable smiled, provided not to give out its present experiences. Any attempt to break his "armor" by intensive emotional action (simply stated, by hysterics and by scandals) is seen by him as a monstrous act, which does not have the equal. And he reacts to this respectively - by the terrible emotional explosion, which greatly depletes it also about which it will subsequently regret.

[Topaz]

Thats very interesting SC. I think I read that somewhere. I know one ISTP who has pretty much isolated himself from everyone because he is so sensitive. Any attempt to reach him is met with anger. So theres nothing you can do for a person at that stage.

[Slacker]

My husband doesn't get angry often with me, but I have seen him get angry. Sometimes he will be working on a project in the garage and I'll hear him start swearing and yelling. He seems to get angry with himself more than with other people.

And if he gets angry with me he just gets quiet. I have heard him yell at friends from time to time, but not very often. I don't think he has ever yelled at our daughter either.

Between the two of us, I definitely have the worse temper. By a long shot.

[Topaz]

My husband doesn't get angry often with me, but I have seen him get angry. Sometimes he will be working on a project in the garage and I'll hear him start swearing and yelling. He seems to get angry with himself more than with other people.

And if he gets angry with me he just gets quiet. I have heard him yell at friends from time to time, but not very often. I don't think he has ever yelled at our daughter either.

Between the two of us, I definitely have the worse temper. By a long shot.

Interesting. What kind of things upset you? I dont have much of a temper but I do go through times where I like to rant and complain about any and everything thats irritating. I dont consider it anger, just venting. I think it comes off as a Sienfeld-esque stand up routin.

[Slacker]

Hmm I'm not angry now and it's hard for me to remember

I just flash for a minute or two and get over it when it happens. I don't stew or brood or anything. But if my husband says, "Can't you do anything useful around here?" I'll get angry. I don't get angry too often at him. More often at my mom (ENTj) or my dad (ENFj). My mom likes to give me "helpful advice" all the time, which I perceive as NAGGING and I definitely flare up at her when she does that. She is constantly emailing me advice, which I take as criticism. When she's up here during the summer she gives me mini lectures all the time. The thing my sister (INFj) does that drives me crazy is she'll say, "OK let's get ready to go" and I'll get myself and my daughter ready to go wherever, and then I say, "OK we're ready" and THEN and only then will she even begin to get ready. So I've spent this time getting ready and she's been just sitting there waiting for me to get ready instead of getting ready herself! That drives me nuts and I sometimes lose my temper at that. Also she sometimes tries to manipulate me into doing things, like she'll bring it up all casually like it's just conversation OVER and OVER again until I either take the hint and do it or blow up at her and tell her I have no intention of buying whatever she thinks I should buy or taking whatever trip she wants me to take or whatever she wants me to do. And then she'll say, "I didn't mean that you should do it, I was just talking about it." My dad drives me crazy when he warns me not to do something because some terrible thing will happen - he always thinks something terrible will happen - and then gets upset if I decide to do it anyway. I'm an adult - I listen to him but I'm not always going to do what he thinks I should do. I hate the way he warns me too. "You don't want to do that . . . " I'll concede that he might sometimes know what I should do, but I am the ultimate authority on what I *want* to do!

ARGH!

Those are a few of the things that set me off.

[Topaz]

Thanks Nicky, Ah good times!
I get mad when I have to clean up behind other people. Like my brother would use every clean glass and plate in the house before he would wash one. He would even go far as to stuff them in the fridge. AAARHHH! MORON! Or sometimes people would borrow my stuff without asking. OOOOH that makes me mad! Its cold outside, I go to put on my jacket..... no jacket (well at least not the one I wanted to wear. :wink: ) "At least you could ask me! The answer is NO! Well, OK but if it comes back ripped youre paying for it"
OR if someone borrows money and then tries to get out of paying me back! "I'll give it to you tomorrow." Tomorrow keeps getting pushed away and meantime you see them buying things. ( I dont loan people money anymore, either I give it to them or I dont)
See I just vented I feel so much better. Thanks for listening. uh ... you are still here right?

[Topaz]

OOOPs this is about ISTPs not self centered ENFPs (aka Topaz) . Sorry guys.
So anyway, whats the best way to make and angry ISTP calm down? How do you get an ISTP to forgive and forget?

[Rocky]

That's OK guys, don't hold anything back.

[Slacker]

Oh something Jessica said - my husband said he got angry at his boss the other day and went off on him, but he was terribly embarassed about it after it happened and didn't know how to apologize for getting so angry without having his boss think he was apologizing for being upset about the issue that made him angry - like how to apologize just for overreacting. So Jessica that's something my ISTp husband shares with you - getting embarassed by it.

If my husband gets angry it's sometimes hard to find out what is making him angry because it's like he doesn't want to tell me, he just wants me to figure it out on my own. Once I figure out what's bothering him, either solving the problem, or if I don't have a solution then empathizing, seems to calm him down. Also, if he's upset he likes to be "babied" a bit - like have me make a fuss about him and take care of him, as in, "Oh, no you just sit down and relax and I'll take care of that." He also likes presents, for instance once he was upset and I picked up some white chocolate for him while I was at the grocery store (he loves white chocolate) and the fact that I'd thought about him while I was out and gotten him a treat got him out of his mood.

[Mariano Rajoy]

hilarious. it's like he's a big kid.

[Slacker]

Yes, although supposedly he is "careful" and I am "infintile".

But don't most people act a bit childish when they get upset? I certainly do.

[Rocky]

@Nicky: that sounds like me to, although I'd never tell anyone about it.

[Topaz]

Yes, although supposedly he is "careful" and I am "infintile".

I think this applys to outward appearences only. Usually ISTPs seem calm, cautious and realistic. They can handle practical problems and keep a cool head about the material world and the sequence of how things should best take place. They can make things comfortable. But emotionally they require kid gloves from what I see.
PS you sound like a good wife.

[Slacker]

@Nicky: that sounds like me to, although I'd never tell anyone about it.

Which part? Getting embarassed after you get angry, or what makes you feel better if you're upset?

[Slacker]

PS you sound like a good wife.

Thank you!

[Rocky]

@Nicky: that sounds like me to, although I'd never tell anyone about it.

Which part? Getting embarassed after you get angry, or what makes you feel better if you're upset?

The whole thing.

[IcEPiCk]

I am sometimes sensitive to comments, overly so. This can build up to me becoming so sensitive that I snap back.. However there are different degrees of snapping... When it goes good it goes really good and I can be very witty.

I am learning more and more to handle this in more proactive ways but its still sometimes unpreventable.


All I can say is exercise, keep your body healthy and your mind will be in better condition do handle the crisis to be honest. If you feel good about yourself at the time you will be able to reject their comments easier. Its usually judgers that get to me though... Otherwise its easier for me to handle for some reason.

Oh and people who lie obviously annoy me... Especially because I now realize that our intuition works well when we want it to and our suspisions are often correct! ISTPs can harness this function overtime.

[playerof604]

We don't really forgive neither do we forget... We just don't think about it... until something triggers the memory.

[MySaviour]

I actually know two types of ISTps: the quiet cerebral kind, and the extremely bitter kind. I get along with the quiet cerebral kind, no questions. I also get along with the bitter kind, if I haven't offended them in some insignificant way. Like, if they want to talk to you, and circumstances don't allow that to happen, then you have brushed them off, and now they have the addage and right to be bitter about your treatment of them. Now, they only become offended if you are "above them" in the social rank, which is kinda weird, heh, I would never have thought they were "those" kind of people (to be paying attention to rank). Whenever they get into that state of bitterness, and start doing childish shit to get back at me, I always provoke the situation, by saying something along the lines of, "life's a bitch," or etc. Because their motion to anger is unfounded, and unprovoked, in this case, and completely annoying to me. And once they are bitter, the person they are bitter towards is of course the scum of the universe, and the few bitter ISTps I know start putting a shittily negative slant on any actions of that person, making them out to be some kind of demon, even if they carry themselves like Jesus, son of God.

[playerof604]

And once they are bitter, the person they are bitter towards is of course the scum of the universe, and the few bitter ISTps I know start putting a shittily negative slant on any actions of that person, making them out to be some kind of demon, even if they carry themselves like Jesus, son of God.

... HAHAHA. I agree... but.. I'm not sure it's a negative slant on that person. I've only met one person in my entire life whom I absolutely cannot stand.. anything he does or says just pisses me off. (he's the math teacher... but i love math. ironyyyyyy.).. guess it's cuz he's the only one I can't avoid...
*sigh* it's not like I don't try to forgive... I try to find these excuses and arguments against what I'm feeling.. but they don't work -_-.

[Topaz]

When you ISTPs get angry at someone or decide to cut them out do you ever even think of them (like ruminate on what they did to make you angry) or do you just block all thoughts and feelings about that person and never even mentally refer to them agian unless you see them? Do you ever have regrets about how you may have had a share in what happened? Do you ever apologize? How do you express forgiveness and sorrow? As far as I know I have had a conflict with only on ISTP and I dont talk to him anymore.
I ask because if I am angry at someone or have a confrontation with someone (esp someone I care about) its very difficult for me to just forget it. In my mind I go over it and over it and I look for opportunities to make it better if possible. Im not talking about with strangers that I'll never see again but with people who have become part of my life.

[Rocky]

When you ISTPs get angry at someone or decide to cut them out do you ever even think of them (like ruminate on what they did to make you angry)

yes

Do you ever have regrets about how you may have had a share in what happened?

No point in regretting things IMO.

Do you ever apologize?

Rarely.

How do you express forgiveness and sorrow?

Usually don't. Maybe if it shows that the way I acted really caused someone to hate me when I didn't intend, I would adjust my behavior accordingly, and hopefully things go back on track without apologizing.

[Topaz]

Lets add a few things. After mulling it over lets say you realize that it was equally your fault. Lets say in a fit of anger you ran the person away or became ICY cold and indiffernt to them so that they gave up and left. Your paths do not cross naturally and there is no sign of them returning because you ran them away. The ball is in your court. What do you do?

Another senario. Youve shared a great realtionship with someone for more than a year. Lately it seems however, they have become more and more distant and preocupied. You miss their presence. What do you do? Do you ever speak about it, or do you just let the person drift away or do you react with anger?

OK so your friend ask you a favor. It means alot to them but you just arent in the mood. Infact its one of those things you really hate to do and so you turn him/her down in favor of taking a nap. Now your friend proceeds w/o you but it doesnt turn out well. Infact it turns out terrible. You are aware that you could have prevented the results from going bad but you did nothing. What do you do now? Do you try to make it up to them or do you avoid them until theyve gotten over it?

Another. Youre doing a project that you think will benefit not only yourself but others too. Problem is it requires asking others for their advice and help with certain aspects. Some of the people you have to ask for help from seem sensitve , some seem rather proud. Would you A) Bite the bullet, put one your kindest disposition and ask for help or B) Give up on the project altogether and say it wasnt meant to be? C) your own way of dealing with this...?

[Rocky]

Just to put things in perspective, once I ate a rack of lamb (which I loved), got violently ill, and was throwing up for the next few days. I've never eaten rack of lame again... and I don't plan to eat it ever again.

Lets add a few things. After mulling it over lets say you realize that it was equally your fault. Lets say in a fit of anger you ran the person away or became ICY cold and indiffernt to them so that they gave up and left. Your paths do not cross naturally and there is no sign of them returning because you ran them away. The ball is in your court. What do you do?

Nothing.

Another senario. Youve shared a great realtionship with someone for more than a year. Lately it seems however, they have become more and more distant and preocupied. You miss their presence. What do you do?

Nothing.

Do you ever speak about it, or do you just let the person drift away or do you react with anger?

Let it go. Then if I'm reminded of it-anger.

OK so your friend ask you a favor. It means alot to them but you just arent in the mood. Infact its one of those things you really hate to do and so you turn him/her down in favor of taking a nap. Now your friend proceeds w/o you but it doesnt turn out well. Infact it turns out terrible. You are aware that you could have prevented the results from going bad but you did nothing. What do you do now? Do you try to make it up to them or do you avoid them until theyve gotten over it?

Make it up to them.

Another. Youre doing a project that you think will benefit not only yourself but others too. Problem is it requires asking others for their advice and help with certain aspects. Some of the people you have to ask for help from seem sensitve , some seem rather proud. Would you A) Bite the bullet, put one your kindest disposition and ask for help or B) Give up on the project altogether and say it wasnt meant to be? C) your own way of dealing with this...?

Go about it slowely.

[Topaz]

Just to put things in perspective, once I ate a rack of lamb (which I loved), got violently ill, and was throwing up for the next few days. I've never eaten rack of lame again... and I don't plan to eat it ever again.

Why would you conclude all your future experiences would be the same? Could it have just been an isolated incident? Do you also apply the same criteria to people?

Lets add a few things. After mulling it over lets say you realize that it was equally your fault. Lets say in a fit of anger you ran the person away or became ICY cold and indiffernt to them so that they gave up and left. Your paths do not cross naturally and there is no sign of them returning because you ran them away. The ball is in your court. What do you do?

Nothing.

Is this because you wouldnt want to do anything about it or wouldnt know how to go about doing it?

Another senario. Youve shared a great realtionship with someone for more than a year. Lately it seems however, they have become more and more distant and preocupied. You miss their presence. What do you do?

Nothing.

Not even a nonverbal nudge?

Do you ever speak about it, or do you just let the person drift away or do you react with anger?

Let it go. Then if I'm reminded of it-anger.

Would you feel your anger was justified since you never asked what they were thinking or feeling?

OK so your friend ask you a favor. It means alot to them but you just arent in the mood. Infact its one of those things you really hate to do and so you turn him/her down in favor of taking a nap. Now your friend proceeds w/o you but it doesnt turn out well. Infact it turns out terrible. You are aware that you could have prevented the results from going bad but you did nothing. What do you do now? Do you try to make it up to them or do you avoid them until theyve gotten over it?

Make it up to them.

Another. Youre doing a project that you think will benefit not only yourself but others too. Problem is it requires asking others for their advice and help with certain aspects. Some of the people you have to ask for help from seem sensitve , some seem rather proud. Would you A) Bite the bullet, put one your kindest disposition and ask for help or B) Give up on the project altogether and say it wasnt meant to be? C) your own way of dealing with this...?

Go about it slowely.

*evil grin*.... nah I'll just leave this one alone.
Rocky thanks for your replys so far. This is very interesting. Please dont loose patients with me and these questions. Any of you other ISTPs are wellcome to comment also.

[Rocky]

Just to put things in perspective, once I ate a rack of lamb (which I loved), got violently ill, and was throwing up for the next few days. I've never eaten rack of lame again... and I don't plan to eat it ever again.

Why would you conclude all your future experiences would be the same? Could it have just been an isolated incident? Do you also apply the same criteria to people?

Ahh... I didn't blame it on the rack oh lamb. But the association of lamb-->vomit is too much for me that it would be too much for me to force myself through it.

As for people? It would happen if I got emotionally involved with them. I'd say I've only really been in love once in my life... never doing that again either...

Lets add a few things. After mulling it over lets say you realize that it was equally your fault. Lets say in a fit of anger you ran the person away or became ICY cold and indiffernt to them so that they gave up and left. Your paths do not cross naturally and there is no sign of them returning because you ran them away. The ball is in your court. What do you do?

Nothing.

Is this because you wouldnt want to do anything about it or wouldnt know how to go about doing it?

I don't really know.

Another senario. Youve shared a great realtionship with someone for more than a year. Lately it seems however, they have become more and more distant and preocupied. You miss their presence. What do you do?

Nothing.

Not even a nonverbal nudge?

Remember what I said about about not falling in love agian, or eating rack of lamb again? This is sort of where it applies.

Do you ever speak about it, or do you just let the person drift away or do you react with anger?

Let it go. Then if I'm reminded of it-anger.

Would you feel your anger was justified since you never asked what they were thinking or feeling?

I guess.

[Topaz]

Just to put things in perspective, once I ate a rack of lamb (which I loved), got violently ill, and was throwing up for the next few days. I've never eaten rack of lame again... and I don't plan to eat it ever again.

Why would you conclude all your future experiences would be the same? Could it have just been an isolated incident? Do you also apply the same criteria to people?

Ahh... I didn't blame it on the rack oh lamb. But the association of lamb-->vomit is too much for me that it would be too much for me to force myself through it.

As for people? It would happen if I got emotionally involved with them. I'd say I've only really been in love once in my life... never doing that again either...

Lets add a few things. After mulling it over lets say you realize that it was equally your fault. Lets say in a fit of anger you ran the person away or became ICY cold and indiffernt to them so that they gave up and left. Your paths do not cross naturally and there is no sign of them returning because you ran them away. The ball is in your court. What do you do?

Nothing.

Is this because you wouldnt want to do anything about it or wouldnt know how to go about doing it?

I don't really know.

Another senario. Youve shared a great realtionship with someone for more than a year. Lately it seems however, they have become more and more distant and preocupied. You miss their presence. What do you do?

Nothing.

Not even a nonverbal nudge?

Remember what I said about about not falling in love agian, or eating rack of lamb again? This is sort of where it applies.

Do you ever speak about it, or do you just let the person drift away or do you react with anger?

Let it go. Then if I'm reminded of it-anger.

Would you feel your anger was justified since you never asked what they were thinking or feeling?

I guess.

Wow Rocky! This sounds so exteem to me If you accumulate enough bad experiences you'll hem yourself in and find nothing of enjoyment. Life deserves even more than a second chance.

and so does love.

[Rocky]

Wow Rocky! This sounds so exteem to me If you accumulate enough bad experiences you'll hem yourself in and find nothing of enjoyment. Life deserves even more than a second chance.

and so does love.

Maybe you're right.

[Topaz]

Wow Rocky! This sounds so exteem to me If you accumulate enough bad experiences you'll hem yourself in and find nothing of enjoyment. Life deserves even more than a second chance.

and so does love.

Maybe you're right.