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Thread: Not feeling your own significance

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    Poster Nutbag The Exception's Avatar
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    Default Not feeling your own significance

    Throughout my life I've often felt like I've been without much obvious significance. Like I'm just kind of there, filling in space and if I'm gone no one will notice much anyway. I've never been the type to really put myself out there on things. Instead I've tended to wait for other people to take notice as to what I can do well much to my own detriment.

    Some examples on how its played out in my life:

    When I took a break from this forum for a few months, I don't think too many people noticed my absence. The forum was basically the same without me. If I were to leave the forum now and never come back, I expect it to be similar.

    When I graduated from high school, when I went up to the podium to get
    my diploma, there was hardly any applause from the audience as if hardly anyone knew who I was. I think the only people clapping and cheering were my family. On the other hand, the more popular students got tons of applause. For some reason this incident still bothers me today. In high school, I wasn't good in sports, music, art, or theatre. So that eliminated most extracurricular activities except the nerdy ones like Spanish club and quiz bowl. I did really well academically but that was about it. I wasn't good looking, I wasn't popular, I never went to prom, heck I never went to a single school dance. I never got asked out for a date once. Of course I never asked anyone out either.

    Job hunting is a problem because I have a hard time self-promoting myself. It's just contrary to who I am. If I'm good at something, they should be able to notice that, I shouldn't have to blatantly advertise it. I've often felt that I've been overlooked for alot of jobs that I know were a really good fit for me and that I would have been good at. And I think a large part of why I'm getting rejected so much is because I lack that physical presence and willingness to put myself out there. I've been working on this to some extent but it just feels so unnatural to me.

    I get the general impression that not too many people are attracted to me or find me interesting. I have a feeling when I die, very few people are going remember me, aside from family. I don't have any lasting accomplishments of real significance either.

    I've yet to be in a relationship with someone that lasts more than a few months. In one sense I'm terrified of intimate relationships but I know deep down I really want to find that someone who truly loves me and wants to spend the rest of my life with me because then I would feel like I had more significance.

    I've been mildly depressed lately about this whole lacking impact thing. Is this a type related thing? I can certainly see how this could relate to having weak . But are there other factors too?
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



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    ~~rubicon~~ Rubicon's Avatar
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    I really think that if you strive to be a person of quality - if you try to develop your skills/natural talents to the best of your ability.. then you shouldn't have to worry about making an impact. Be around people, use your skills when appropriate, and call them fools if they don't start to recognise and appreciate your talents. :-p If you're utilising your talents in a corner somewhere, I don't think it's too unreasonable for people to pass you by and assume that you'd rather not be bothered. But I don't think that "making an impact" in itself is something to strive for really. Surely that's just collision for collision's sake unless you're wanting to have a specific positive effect on certain people's lives. What can you offer people? I think that if you're approaching social situations with a goal like "I want to make an impression", then there's a high probability that the impression you make will be equally as vague as your goal. What kind of impression? Everyone makes an impression on people, like it or not. No man's an island blah blah. Get specific! :-p
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    I've been mildly depressed lately about this whole lacking impact thing. Is this a type related thing? I can certainly see how this could relate to having weak . But are there other factors too?

    Weak Se, dear, does not manifest in depressions and lack of impact; it's different; Se is from outside sources that impact Se within a person; an already weak Se that they have. Se from outside sources are people not things.

    A person with a Strong Se who can not impact outside sources will get depressed in such a situation.

    I would suggest helping out at church or a local religious center to uplift your spirits. But, you've come back here now and you've made several threads and I for one can say that I read every one of them. My duals wonder why I write and contribute so much here as an Introvert and I say because I don't want to ignor people and I want to do it because I feel like I am contributing to the recognition of the threads and the people who open such interesting topics like you do. So, you are a very bright person and very interesting.
    Last edited by Beautiful sky; 04-28-2010 at 08:27 PM.

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    ~~rubicon~~ Rubicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    Well, as for the forum, I don't think a lot of people would care that much if most of us stayed or left. It's just a forum. As far as what matters, I do agree that sometimes you need to strive to stand out as somebody. Believing in your own significance is important so long as it does not become arrogance. I guess you got to acknowledge your own individuality and your passions and just go after it but not to be afraid of showing others it as well as not being afraid to do and pursue things behind closed doors, too.

    Sometimes I feel the opposite of how you feel. I feel like it all has to come to the fore at once. That's not good, either, and can really have nasty after effects such as a sense of despondency, like you are just an actor hiding behind a mask, reading off of a script that everyone puts in front of you without really being yourself and speaking your own words. I think this is something which is just a repercussion of this online world where it feels like you are expected to hide behind a mask of a username and accompanied text.

    But I guess it is not that different in the real world, if you want to call it that.

    Just some of my own musings.

    There are always options out there and being noticed isn't always great, especially when it means you have expectations that you have to live up to. I feel like I get this all of the time with people I perform for. Sometimes you end up longing for the quieter days where you felt like you didn't matter and could just find enjoyment in simple little things without giving two shits what some idiot you know thinks who could give two shits less if you lived or not in their little world.

    Life is short, we all will be dissatisfied. I have no real words to say about your state, but I think there is a genius inside all of us, maybe even in that G.W. Bush idiot, but still. But as far as the forum goes, I am pretty sure a lot of us noticed your absence, but do people really say anything? I guess not.

    So maybe it is somewhat type related, primarily in having weak (and unvalued) Se among other things. But maybe there are other ways to make an impact, and that, imo, is by being true to yourself, beliefs, and convictions. You don't have to go waving individuality and beliefs around like a raging warrior. Great impact can be made by the quiet but clever and sincere individual, and I don't mean sincere in the communications style sincere devised by whoever, but just being honest.

    I suppose there are ways of being bulldozed and swept away by a rushing tide or else braving against it to make an impact, but being passive in Daoistic sense can also lend one to not be swept away and still stand as someone, making an impact but without making a big commotion of it, either.

    So I don't think it is as type related as some might think. It's all a state of mind and a changeable one at that.

    I'm just spewing my ideas and not advice if I can help it, but I guess that's how it sounds at times.

    Maybe it's the dynamic in me, but things change, people change, in some ways. Opportunity to growth is everywhere. Have a little faith and it can be seized.
    I hesitate to repost this wall of text because of length, but gah - I can't choose which bits I like best... so here it is again, people. :-p
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    ~~rubicon~~ Rubicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa33 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Warrior
    I've been mildly depressed lately about this whole lacking impact thing. Is this a type related thing? I can certainly see how this could relate to having weak . But are there other factors too?
    Weak Se, dear, does not manifest in depressions and lack of impact; it's different; Se is from outside sources that impact Se within a person; an already weak Se that they have. Se from outside sources are people not things.

    A person with a Strong Se who can not impact outside sources will get depressed in such a situation.

    I would suggest helping out at church or a local religious center to uplift your spirits.
    Fixed. :-p
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    That's because you want people to care, so you're probably nice and pay attention to them and everything, which is why they take you for granted - you act as if you cared anyway so they don't have to work for it. While you end up doing all the work and being too nice to be noticed.

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    Ti centric krieger's Avatar
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    I don't think I generally feel like this, although I do in certain places. I think it results from investing too little in the places you go and people you meet, committing too little.

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    I appreciate your honesty here with this thread.

    I wouldn't be too jealous of popular people. If everybody was popular, then nobody would be popular. Soo really does it matter?

    You wanted more genuine affection, and that always cuts you off from the public clapping for you. You can't have your cake and eat it too. The popular people had to sacrifice intimate relationships to get that public clapping...

    Having relationships that last 4 months is longer than what a lot of people can sustain. Some people don't find the right relationship into well in their 50s. Their 50s!! There is no rush. The heart needs to take a long time making up it's mind. You still have to discover what you really want in life. The route they try to make for everybody doesn't work for a lot of people. Don't EVER be afraid of 'going out of stream' of the job/work paradigm they try to make everybody fit into.

    You sound like you don't know what you want. You say you want a long-term relationship but it sounds like if you had that, you'd just be bored, guys can sense your disinterest with that, and don't want to spend time with you because you don't like spending time with you! If you're bored with yourself, what makes you think other people won't be as well? I think really that's the main issue here, get back to finding out what you enjoy- most people are fake ass whores and aren't worth your respect anyway. You don't need them. Fake ass people talking about fake ass things in the world that nobody cares about but their fake asses.

    I think your homework assignment should be to write down 5 things that you like about yourself. And then, list 5 things that you want out of life, and go after 'em!

    Life Coach truck at the rescue. As a gay half-masculine, half-feminine transgendered social freak, I'm good with this shit. You need to snap your fingers in their faces, honey, and go "What you eat, don't make me shit!"

    I want to make all women have better self-esteem about themselves, like Oprah. It feels so good to help people this way! And FUCK THE WORLD. You do not need the respect from the same IDIOTIC public that doesn't know what they're doing with other people's feelings anyway. Say FUCK YOU to everybody you meet, and just do shit that makes you happy, no matter what it is.

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    I often have thoughts like "Does it matter whether I am here or not?", "Who really cares about whether I am there or not?", "Who will come to my funeral if I die?", "Who really loves me?",
    I'm sure you already know this, but if you want other people to come to your funeral, you have to reach out and try to understand other people- so you in turn can be understood. In order to be one of the 'remembered ones' you have to help other people, and not be so stuck on yourself. You also have to make your own self happy, and stop relying on other people for that.

    It works like that for everybody, by the way. To be loved you have to love. To be understood you have to understand. To get, you have to give.

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    The Iniquitous inumbra's Avatar
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    I noticed your absence and your return. I just don't comment on anyone's comings and goings, except for Phaedrus.

    I really think a lot of this probably is related to weak Se or maybe Se PoLR, particularly the part about being overlooked and having no "presence" as though one is invisible.

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    Haikus
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    I dual-seek Se, I'm not particularly assertive, but I draw attention easily no matter where I go. So yeah I think it could have something to do with it. If you have Se-polr, I think others would have a hard time noticing you or something. I never had that problem though. In fact I hated it, cause a lot of the time the attention was always focused on ME lol.

    I don't think it's related to popularity though. I stood out and got attention but it was mostly neutral, not really positive. I lacked the extroversion charisma for that.

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    aixelsyd, I loved your post! And B&D, great advice.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Poster Nutbag The Exception's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post

    There are always options out there and being noticed isn't always great, especially when it means you have expectations that you have to live up to. I feel like I get this all of the time with people I perform for. Sometimes you end up longing for the quieter days where you felt like you didn't matter and could just find enjoyment in simple little things without giving two shits what some idiot you know thinks who could give two shits less if you lived or not in their little world.
    I see where you're coming from. The paradoxical thing about myself is that I'll often find myself wanting notice or attention but then being embarrassed when it actually happens.

    I couldn't handle being world famous I don't think. I wouldn't have the privacy I need and every move I'd make would be subjected to scrutiny and possible fodder for the tabloids.

    I think what I really want is a healthy balance between recognition and just to be left alone in private. Perhaps like an expert in some field. I'd be well known and respected by people in my field but I'd still be indistinguishable to most of the general public so I could have my privacy when I desire.
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



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