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Thread: Type this passive-aggressive scenario

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    Poster Nutbag The Exception's Avatar
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    Default Type this passive-aggressive scenario

    I got this friend who I sometimes eat lunch with. When deciding where to go eat, she always wants me to make the decision. Then when I decide on a place, she'll act like its fine but just as were arriving there, she doesn't seem all that enthusiastic about the choice. She'll try to throw hints that she'd rather go somewhere else. I'll then tell her that we can go somewhere else, its not a problem with me, and that I'm not fussy about where we go. But then she'll just insist we go to the place I originally suggested in the first place. Its maddening. It's like she cannot seem to straight out say where she'd like to go. I've tried to relegate the decision making to her but she just says "whereever you want to go is fine" but I know it really isn't.

    Type related? Thoughts?
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



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    Trevor's Avatar
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    Easy one. Just disregard her hints. And you needn't say "we can go somewhere else, its not a problem with me, I'm not fussy about where we go". If it were so bad for her you'd find out. Tolerance has certain threshholds. Her, breaking hers, is yet to be seen. I even propose going out to crappier and crappier places until you find out where exactly her threshold in the matter is, to find out how far you can go with her. I bet she's very submissive in bed.

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    The Iniquitous inumbra's Avatar
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    I was wondering if she's depressed.

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    I will eat anywhere absolutely anywhere I end up (except exotic and unheard of asian eatteries that serve up cockroaches and weird intestinal parts); I am so not picky about food, but I completely understand what you're saying. I have observed this behavior with some ISTp women, who are very picky eaters and paranoid about the cleanliness of their silverwear at the dinner table (I am especially talking about my ISTp friend here) and ESFp (friend's mom). Other then those two, I don't know a type who is so picky about food. My ISTj brother in law can be very choosy about the place he would like to eat at but will not complain if we go somewhere unexpected.
    Last edited by Beautiful sky; 04-25-2010 at 05:11 AM.

  5. #5
    Creepy-sarahdxwrappd

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    my cousin pulls that crap...which is precisely why i never volunteer to eat with her ever.

    ...I'm not sold on a type for her, haven't thought of it too much, but she's definitly an Fe type.
    passive-aggressiveness is an individual characteristic imo not type related. i can think of a few logical types that have tried to get me to take their hours at work through such tactics. whiners are everywhere.

  6. #6
    Creepy-male

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    maybe shes not picky, I do that from time to time, but I don't whine or I speak up if I really don't like the place before we go there.

    I would give her a hard time about it, like next time you ask her, remind her a little bit on what happened last time you decided. Maybe this isn't your style, but thats what I'd do. I'd keep the atmosphere a bit light too, coming down on people hard is bad for passive-aggresive people, because then they do a 180 and get aggresive at you.

    Its not obvious if this is type related.

    Your going to have to find your own approach that your comfortable with to deal with it.

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    ._. Aiss's Avatar
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    My father (LII) is like that all the time, about everything. Not sure if it's type-related, but I thought it made sense in light of Se-PoLR. Maybe not though.

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    Grand Inquisitor Bardia's Avatar
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    I know an IEI who does this frequently and it can be very frustrating.
    “No psychologist should pretend to understand what he does not understand... Only fools and charlatans know everything and understand nothing.” -Anton Chekhov

    http://kevan.org/johari?name=Bardia0
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    Obviously they expect you to pick a place that matches with their values on where to eat and it obviously doesn't and they think you have poor taste and are challenging your appraisal. An ESE should express such things often no? The type sounds like a SEI or IEI, maybe EIE to me though given intertype relations. If they are Fe type why not say Beta or Alpha? I often complain about restaurant choices people make because I am "picky" and this is a good thing in America. Most restaurants serve the same crap food from the same supplier, poorly prepared, unhealthy and people act like this problem does not exist.To me this just sounds like obvious communication breakdown. So if is a Fe type, not your dual, again a SEI, IEI, or EIE. Aristocratic, i pick IEI. Try asserting the value of the restaurant compared to the other available restaurants, price, quality, location, time etc.
    So yeah it's like they tolerate it... but let them choose next time and see if you get suprised.

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    Poster Nutbag The Exception's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jughead View Post
    Obviously they expect you to pick a place that matches with their values on where to eat and it obviously doesn't and they think you have poor taste and are challenging your appraisal. An ESE should express such things often no? The type sounds like a SEI or IEI, maybe EIE to me though given intertype relations. If they are Fe type why not say Beta or Alpha? I often complain about restaurant choices people make because I am "picky" and this is a good thing in America. Most restaurants serve the same crap food from the same supplier, poorly prepared, unhealthy and people act like this problem does not exist.To me this just sounds like obvious communication breakdown. So if is a Fe type, not your dual, again a SEI, IEI, or EIE. Aristocratic, i pick IEI. Try asserting the value of the restaurant compared to the other available restaurants, price, quality, location, time etc.
    So yeah it's like they tolerate it... but let them choose next time and see if you get suprised.
    I let my friend decide, in fact I've told her again and again that I would *prefer* if she decided since she's by far the pickier one but she don't listen.
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



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    I can honestly see myself doing this, although I wouldn't be upset about going where you wanted, I'm just indecisive. So I wouldn't want to punish you for my indeciseveness, so I'd just go where you want as I wouldn't be able to think of a better place anyway. I wouldn't assume she really wants you to go somewhere else or is being passive aggressive. Maybe she's just indecisive.

    My EII sister does this kind of thing too. You should see us trying to decide upon a place to eat when we go out together. It's maddening.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    The Iniquitous inumbra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella
    I wouldn't assume she really wants you to go somewhere else or is being passive aggressive. Maybe she's just indecisive.
    I can see myself doing it as well. It's not because I'm picky about where we go. I usually just don't care and/or can't make a decision because I can't figure out what I want (if anything). And sometimes people think I'm "unhappy" with something when I'm not, but I generally often experience life as suffering through things. I can be miserable-ish and depressive sometimes though and may be so when I can't make a decision and so all options just seem sort of pointless. This is more of a passing mood sometimes but I think I don't notice how I come across when in these sorts of moods and people might assume that I don't want to be there.

    I wasn't sure if she really was being picky or if she was indecisive, apathetic and/or depressed from the example, but hadn't said anything until this point because the OP seems to depict her as "picky" so I thought maybe that was a given. However, I was also wondering if her lack of enthusiasm was leading to this conclusion, which I would be able to relate to as well because I don't tend to be enthusiastic about things outwardly so much.

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    My thought was that if she is an iee, he's supervising her, and it might seem one way to him and another to her
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    Park's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella View Post
    I wouldn't assume she really wants you to go somewhere else or is being passive aggressive. Maybe she's just indecisive.
    This.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella View Post
    My thought was that if she is an iee, he's supervising her...
    she
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

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    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    Whoops, sorry WL!
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    El Presidente de Mi Cabeza GallopingQwerty's Avatar
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    Half my family is like this, and many of my friends...

    The best solution I've come up with is that I'll think of two or three places that *I* want to go, and the other person has to choose from those options. That way they are not put on the spot if they really can't think of where they want to go (which is often the case), but they do have some indirect decision-making power. Then we're both happy with where we end up.

    It used to drive me bonkers, but now I look at it as a bonus for me... I always get to go somewhere that I like!
    "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain

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