I love you, I love you not, dear SLI

[3RainbowSprinkles]

How long have you SLIs been with your duals? How many serious relationships have you had? How comfortable are SLIs with cheating and not saying anything? Do they keep their promises of fidelity?


my sli and i have been quarreling. We've been on and off since as long as i can remember. we're not off right now, but we're in a long distance relationship and things are really taking a toll. as if being in a relationship a million miles away isn't hard enough, he's always busy. i know hes not doing work all the time cause his friends live in his house and they're always coming by...and i feel like it wouldnt kill him to make some time for me. thats not where the quarrel came in yet, but i think thats the root of the problem. we've talked about it a million times and we agreed that becuase he didnt have enough time for me that he would text once in a while or something else. then we argued about it again and the next time, he told me that i could text him if i missed him too much. then we argued about it again he all he was telling me was that he never asked for this--us...and that i cause unnecessary stress on his life, that his life was 100% with his fraternity. this just made me feel like he didn't want to be with me, but why is he even trying to make it work? afraid to end things?

he travels sometimes to other schools where he can do anything he wants with girls and i wouldnt even know about it. he just doesnt say anything...im not sure if i can believe him when he says nothing happens when my friends will find pictures of girls hugging him and sitting on him at parties. Now, i know it sounds like no big deal, but i just feel betrayed because ive resisted so much temptation here at college. i don't even allow myself to think about other guys, touch them and even flirt! did i put myself here? is flirting and sitting on other guys okay? i wouldnt have a problem with it if he would tell me what i'm allowed to do everything he allows girls to do with him. i just want things to be fair. he tells me listen, girls flirt with me, so deal with it. deal with it?! DEAL WITH IT?! a lot of guys flirt with me too...except i know he can trust that i'll respect him...i think its just so effed up. >

so basically, i dont even know what my sli wants from me. is he just making things work just enough so that i wont leave? i want to be understanding, but i just feel like im not getting anything and having these arguments are getting pointless. if he does not try to find a way to make me happy and actually come through, should i break up with him? i feel really unhappy and even though i love him a lot, i hate him for leaving me lonely and not caring about me or even trying to feign some type of understanding.

any similar experiences? advice? im so confused.

[Beautiful sky]

My parents have been married for 32 and a half years, and my father (SLI) has been faithful for 33 of those years.

Do you love him and want to be with him? Usually, if you are arguing about having to call too many times because you miss the person, it's that you really miss them. It doesn't sound like he's giving the right response for you missing him.

You need to try to find things for yourself and build other meaningful relationships for you, like having friendships and hobbies. Maybe if you distance yourself a little he will feel more comfortable with the relationship; usually though, SLI love the attention and love feeling close to their significant other, like getting lots of phone calls and such.

Are you afraid to end it?

Your activities with other men have to not only be ok with you but also with the person you are dating or seeing. I think it sounds clear that he wants distance and independence, first and foremost. Then I think he will decide what he wants when he feels comfortable that he can have that from you.

The more independence yet affection an SLI has, the more they want the relationship.
I think by giving yourself some distance from this relationship, because the arguments sound unhealthy and unproductive, that will give you time to think about your emotional situation and maybe you will find the answers there.

He sounds like a young, college person, not ready for a serious life.

[jewels]

he sounds like a total jerk! And I see you're in NYC. There are way too many guys here to hold onto something long distance w/ someone who is being a bastard like that. There are SLIs in the city other than him!!

[Lobo]

My impression is that he doesn't want to lose you, but at the same time doesn't want to be in a serious relationship. I think it might be best to just move on to another guy who is close by, as hard as that seems atm for you. Instead of making things official, like saying "we're breaking up" or something like that, start developing feelings for other guys, and being open to it. At some point things might be clearer to you, but I don't suggest on breaking up officially until you see what's out there, because the follow through is very important when you do that. You might get into a cycle of breaking it off and restarting, and you won't be taken seriously.

[tiny_dancer]

Bummer. Been there, done that. And honestly, I'm happier without it.

[UDP]

any similar experiences? advice? im so confused.

heh

[jewels]

and what's w/ all the f'ed up SLIs we all seem to know?

I know there are good ones out there. Let's all go find some...

[Creepy-]

He knows how much he means to you, and he's taking advantage of how much you care and of the fact that you are a good person... and apparently a very tolerant person, at least up until now.

Whether he cares for you or not is irrelevant at this point, imo. Actions > feelings and words. His actions suck.

My advice would be to dump him, telling him exactly why [that you won't put up w that kind of bs]. If he realizes what an ass he's been and comes back maybe you can give him another chance, but I wouldn't, at least not right now; you seem to have given him plenty of chances, and he in turn seems to have shown his true colors repeatedly [though maybe it's a maturity thing at this point].

It's hard and it sucks, but this can be your big moment where you decide what you will and won't stand for, and enforce that. Whatever you decide, good luck!

[Creepy-sarahdxwrappd]

...oh man, been there too. it's awful.

well for one, fraternity boy? never a good idea. long-distance too. that in itself slims down the chances of it working out.. as much as that sucks to hear.

..how often do you see eachother? most guys in general are out-of-sight out-of-mind. not that that automatically makes him or any guy promiscious, but it does mean that whatever is infront of him...seems slightly more important than what isn't, atleast in the case of, "I'll do what I can right now for what's infront of me". so since you're not... you take the backseat to what seems like evvvvverything else. But you aren't naive and I think you knew from the get-go that things would sort of be like how they are...that's just how dudes are, especially SLIs.

the whole red flag is he knows exactly what he's doing and from what you said, seems indifferent to putting forth an effort. oh god and how hard is it to send a text or call?
I personally would just leave him alone. Don't go out and date like some posters said...that won't help your situation, and besides your stick on him, nothing wrong with that...you'll see fairly soon if he reacts different to you not contacting him and hey, if he still doesn't...well that's your answer and it's actually alot easier to accept when you see, hey, guy's an asshole.
and then date like hell til you find someone worth it.

...don't obsess. if you're like me, that's really hard not to do, but you'll get your answer.

[Creepy-sarahdxwrappd]

And btw,
SLIs can definitly be faithful. my SLI ex was a great guy, I felt like he didn't care alot of the time, but he showed his affection after-the-fact...it was all "too little, too late" for me, but I still look back and know he was keeper..for someone else.

the SLIs I know are notorious for staying stuck on an ex. especially a longterm ex. so that's...something to say for their commitment i guess.

[jessica129]

He knows how much he means to you, and he's taking advantage of how much you care and of the fact that you are a good person... and apparently a very tolerant person, at least up until now.

Whether he cares for you or not is irrelevant at this point, imo. Actions > feelings and words. His actions suck.

My advice would be to dump him, telling him exactly why [that you won't put up w that kind of bs]. If he realizes what an ass he's been and comes back maybe you can give him another chance, but I wouldn't, at least not right now; you seem to have given him plenty of chances, and he in turn seems to have shown his true colors repeatedly [though maybe it's a maturity thing at this point].

It's hard and it sucks, but this can be your big moment where you decide what you will and won't stand for, and enforce that. Whatever you decide, good luck!

I agree with this. It's going to sound harsh, but you're letting him treat you that way and let me tell you, as soon as you turn the tables and stop appearing to need him, you'll get your answer as to whether or not he cares. He'll either a)apologize and improve his behavior or b)continue the same behavior and just not care. Sometimes I think people let others treat them like crap just because they're afraid of losing that person but that's really just a shitty thing to do to yourself. I've finally realized that. They treat you like crap, treat them the same exact way and move on. You really want someone that doesn't give you the time of day? You might care about him a lot now, sure...but trust me that in time, those feelings fade and you'll wonder what you were ever doing wasting so much time when you could have met a ton of other men that'll treat you much better. And in my experience, long distance is extremely hard. A ton of trust has to be there and if it's not, it basically doesn't work.

[UDP]

She's asking for advice....
Are you offering?

Find a real man.

[Suz]

Frat boys....

not exactly who I'd go to if you want a man in your life - to make a fat generalization.

You know, i've always been of that opinion too. That was one of the reasons i didnt initially view this guy as a romantic interest in the least. Then we got stuck working together for like 3 weeks, and duality happened

Find a real man.

WELL SAID!

[UDP]

You know, i've always been of that opinion too. That was one of the reasons i didnt initially view this guy as a romantic interest in the least. Then we got stuck working together for like 3 weeks, and duality happened

My recent experience with frat boys was like I went back to the cusp of middle school and high school. It was so juvenile. I can't imagine a woman trying to find a fulfilling relationship with one of those dudes. It was a sort of denial of not being outside of that period of one's life, and it was rather disturbing to me.

WELL SAID!

It's kind of sad, women seem to hope people will be what they want them to be, or after so much disappointment just start 'settling'. This is very detla/aristocratic perhaps, but, I know that only a certain caliber person can provide me with relational happiness - and that's basically how I advise other people as well.

[Beautiful sky]

My recent experience with frat boys was like I went back to the cusp of middle school and high school. It was so juvenile. I can't imagine a woman trying to find a fulfilling relationship with one of those dudes. It was a sort of denial of not being outside of that period of one's life, and it was rather disturbing to me.



It's kind of sad, women seem to hope people will be what they want them to be, or after so much disappointment just start 'settling'. This is very detla/aristocratic perhaps, but, I know that only a certain caliber person can provide me with relational happiness - and that's basically how I advise other people as well.

Well, because of your certain caliber of person, your dual's are up shit creek, because there's just too much competition and we don't like that very much.

[Suz]

My recent experience with frat boys was like I went back to the cusp of middle school and high school. It was so juvenile. I can't imagine a woman trying to find a fulfilling relationship with one of those dudes. It was a sort of denial of not being outside of that period of one's life, and it was rather disturbing to me.

sigh. . .if only more guys were like you. . .

It's kind of sad, women seem to hope people will be what they want them to be, or after so much disappointment just start 'settling'. This is very detla/aristocratic perhaps, but, I know that only a certain caliber person can provide me with relational happiness - and that's basically how I advise other people as well.

I have a hard time with the idea of "settling." Maybe that is why I am single for so long. But when i think of the possibility of settling I feel despair, nausea, and I want to cry. So the way I see it is, I'd rather be single than settle. Maybe that will change with time, who knows.

The other problem is, I dont really know what I looking for. . .sigh. :frown:

[Beautiful sky]

Find a real man.

Short and sweet.

[3RainbowSprinkles]

Maybe i should clear the air about a few things with my particular SLI and I. He's not the typical asshole SLI that people are used to...we've just been through so much and seen each other at our worse and our best. hes really grown and is not a silly child playing games with my heart. we have a serious relationship and we need a serious long term solution.

My parents have been married for 32 and a half years, and my father (SLI) has been faithful for 33 of those years.

You need to try to find things for yourself and build other meaningful relationships for you, like having friendships and hobbies. Maybe if you distance yourself a little he will feel more comfortable with the relationship; usually though, SLI love the attention and love feeling close to their significant other, like getting lots of phone calls and such.

The more independence yet affection an SLI has, the more they want the relationship.
I think by giving yourself some distance from this relationship, because the arguments sound unhealthy and unproductive, that will give you time to think about your emotional situation and maybe you will find the answers there.

He sounds like a young, college person, not ready for a serious life.

the first part made my heart melt--and the more time i have to think about it, the more i realize that my sli loves me, very, very much. he wouldn't tell me something or promise me something only to lie. hes very straight forward...maybe the distance makes this hard for me to remember all the time.

he did mention that i'm really spending too much time thinking about what i want him to do. perhaps i should go get a new hobby...or something. i just dont know where to start! ...not yet anyway

I agree with this. It's going to sound harsh, but you're letting him treat you that way and let me tell you, as soon as you turn the tables and stop appearing to need him, you'll get your answer as to whether or not he cares. He'll either a)apologize and improve his behavior or b)continue the same behavior and just not care. Sometimes I think people let others treat them like crap just because they're afraid of losing that person but that's really just a shitty thing to do to yourself. I've finally realized that. They treat you like crap, treat them the same exact way and move on. You really want someone that doesn't give you the time of day? You might care about him a lot now, sure...but trust me that in time, those feelings fade and you'll wonder what you were ever doing wasting so much time when you could have met a ton of other men that'll treat you much better. And in my experience, long distance is extremely hard. A ton of trust has to be there and if it's not, it basically doesn't work.

trust...how do i develop more of that? hes just so freakin beautiful that i don't know...i just feel like if all the girls are coming up to him and sitting on his lap that hell wanna go for it. ive asked him a lot if he felt like i was keeping him back from experiencing life with other girls..and hes always replied no. <3 which i love, but im just scared hes just saying that so we wont argue, but i would want him to tell me the truth, so that he could have all the life experiences he wants if we ever start our lives together.

it's really hard for me to turn the tables on my SLI. my initial tendency is to go for it and nip the problem in the butt...talk it all out. it frustrates me that he needs more time to think things out--and hes slow as hell cuz hes so DAMN BUSY all the time...freakin long distance. im just getting so angry again. ive been trying to give us some time and distance.

And btw,
SLIs can definitly be faithful. my SLI ex was a great guy, I felt like he didn't care alot of the time, but he showed his affection after-the-fact...it was all "too little, too late" for me, but I still look back and know he was keeper..for someone else.

the SLIs I know are notorious for staying stuck on an ex. especially a longterm ex. so that's...something to say for their commitment i guess.

we have been going out on and off for over 7 years. i guess i would mean A LOT to him. maybe?

Find a real man.

my SLI is a real man. maybe not full grown yet, but he does a lot of things that i admire. he works really hard for his fraternity. its not all about party all the time, get with girls and meet and greet for him. he does all the things that nobody else wants to. he takes care of the house, talks to the landlord, handles the events, leads discussions for their chapter meetings every week...plans the parties, runs them... :'( he does lead a very busy life...i guess thats just whats breaking my heart...that all of that is more important than me. maybe it is...


thank you everyone for input. :] it's really seemed to clear my head a little more and i can see that there are certain things that my SLI are, but certain things that he most certainly is NOT. The next time i have a chance to talk to him...I'll see what the turn out is i guess...

seriously, thank you tho. ive been feeling so lost. still do.

[Beautiful sky]

the first part made my heart melt--and the more time i have to think about it, the more i realize that my sli loves me, very, very much. he wouldn't tell me something or promise me something only to lie. hes very straight forward...maybe the distance makes this hard for me to remember all the time.

You obviously value this connection you have and the only way to keep something is to give it space and let it come to it's own terms naturally. So a hobby would be something you've always liked in your childhood; one of mine was going to museums; so I would take what I like and develop it into something meaningful for myself and others; like, starting a blog.

[UDP]

my SLI is a real man. maybe not full grown yet, but he does a lot of things that i admire. he works really hard for his fraternity. its not all about party all the time, get with girls and meet and greet for him. he does all the things that nobody else wants to. he takes care of the house, talks to the landlord, handles the events, leads discussions for their chapter meetings every week...plans the parties, runs them... :'( he does lead a very busy life...i guess thats just whats breaking my heart...that all of that is more important than me. maybe it is...

Bullshit

He's not a real man because he doesn't know a woman's worth

See Alicia Keys...

[Beautiful sky]

trust...how do i develop more of that? hes just so freakin beautiful that i don't know...i just feel like if all the girls are coming up to him and sitting on his lap that hell wanna go for it. ive asked him a lot if he felt like i was keeping him back from experiencing life with other girls..and hes always replied no. <3 which i love, but im just scared hes just saying that so we wont argue, but i would want him to tell me the truth, so that he could have all the life experiences he wants if we ever start our lives together. it's really hard for me to turn the tables on my SLI. my initial tendency is to go for it and nip the problem in the butt...talk it all out. it frustrates me that he needs more time to think things out--and hes slow as hell cuz hes so DAMN BUSY all the time...freakin long distance. im just getting so angry again. ive been trying to give us some time and distance.

You can't get trust, it's developed in time; slowly, by focusing your view away from him and him alone, you can see a biger scope of things and he will just become one part of your life instead of what it sounds like now, which is a big one. Don't feel sad sweetheart; do you have a close family member near by? You can spend time with?

Try not to expect truth from individuals; if you are truthful then leave it at that, things have a way of working themselves out. Another thing is, give yourself assignments or have someone close to you keep track of them, little goals to build on and soon you will be in a situation where you can look back and much time will have passed and you will have accomplished a lot of worthwhile things and still hopefull of this situation.

You can always spend a little more time on the forum if anything; I'm a great track of activities and plans and I would be very happy to help you make it through this.

[Suz]

any similar experiences?

oh yes. . . Slightly different in that we weren't actually in a relationship, we had some duality going on for several months, with him obviously being attracted. Interestingly despite being in his late 20s he had never been in a long-term relationship before (as far as I know) and when I first met him had actually expressed in passing that he doesn't believe guys are made to be in relationships/marriage. He had led the sort of lifestyle your guy is leading--also a fraternity boy, very into hard partying, lots of drinking, lots of women. When I asked him "what's so great about being a bachelor?" he smirked and said "you have no idea. . ." And he was VERY flirty with lots of women (not so much with me actually, but it could have been b/c I was in charge of him for a little while back then).

Anyway, then over like 6 months or so we seemed to start dualizing and during that time was when I discovered socionics through the duality description matching my unique interactions with him and the unique way i felt around him.

Then I had to move away to another city for a job. I hinted a bit of my interest in him that way, especially in the week or so before I left. But like sarahdxwrapped said, it was "out of sight, out of mind" for him, and he ended up very PUBLICALLY announcing a relationship with a girl he'd just met, literally like 2 months after I left. It was seriously such a heartbreaker for me at the time because of the connection we'd had, and as everyone here knows, I took it really hard, and it took me a LONG time to get over it. And it was really weird because, again, we never really had a relationship, never had any physical involvement either, things were never really officially stated between us (until i confessed my feelings after he announced his relationship--he never answered that either). But the duality was really there, it was a unique sort of chemistry that transcends words. Like the "stages of duality" states, I can't really describe it.

Anyway, such appears to be the nature of SLIs. . .I do think they are especially like this (even though many guys tend to be this way). They take the "easy" route, if it exists. And well, staying in touch with me, and trying to develop a new relationship over long distance would have just been too hard. And heck, maybe I would have realized that too down the road. I think as they mature, and learn about relationships by trial and error (something we IEEs dont really have to go through as much because it's our talent), they get better at being in relationships.

This has been a product of months and months of reflecting upon my profound experiences with him, both good and bad, his actions and how confusing they were, and what i know of socionics. Even though he will always have a special place in my heart as the first dual i ever dualized with, I have finally been able to put him aside in my mind and unleash my heart from the shackles he put it in. I'm meeting lots of new people, and am really ready to move on now. Honestly, even if he expresses interest, I doubt i would even want to be in a relationship with him at this point. Too little in common, and too much hurt in the memories.

So that in a very short nutshell, is my story.

advice?

I wish. . .unfortunately not.

im so confused.

Girl, you and me both. . .:frown:

[UDP]

Frat boys....

not exactly who I'd go to if you want a man in your life - to make a fat generalization.

[Cbelle]

Honestly? I wouldn't stand for that. I'm sorry you have to deal with that but he is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME ... and it's not because of him being an SLI, it's because of him. He sounds immature and selfish to me. In my opinion you need to tell him he needs to buck up or it's over.

I have an SLI (lol "have") and he is absolutely amazing. I've never seen him flirting with other girls, and he didn't even flirt with me until we became close friends and confirmed we both liked each other. He's the sweetest guy I know and would do ANYTHING to make me happy. I believe this is because of his maturity level, both religious and mental.

The only qualms with the relationship are that he isn't very emotionally supportive. He tries, but I'm not sure he can gauge how bad I feel.

[Beautiful sky]

Honestly? I wouldn't stand for that. I'm sorry you have to deal with that but he is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME ... and it's not because of him being an SLI, it's because of him. He sounds immature and selfish to me. In my opinion you need to tell him he needs to buck up or it's over.

I have an SLI (lol "have") and he is absolutely amazing. I've never seen him flirting with other girls, and he didn't even flirt with me until we became close friends and confirmed we both liked each other. He's the sweetest guy I know and would do ANYTHING to make me happy. I believe this is because of his maturity level, both religious and mental.

The only qualms with the relationship are that he isn't very emotionally supportive. He tries, but I'm not sure he can gauge how bad I feel.

I knew we would find each other here. I saw it like I planted a seed and you found me.

You're a sweet ENFp and it's so great having you as a mirror.

[Suz]

Honestly? I wouldn't stand for that. I'm sorry you have to deal with that but he is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME ... and it's not because of him being an SLI, it's because of him. He sounds immature and selfish to me. In my opinion you need to tell him he needs to buck up or it's over.

I have an SLI (lol "have") and he is absolutely amazing. I've never seen him flirting with other girls, and he didn't even flirt with me until we became close friends and confirmed we both liked each other. He's the sweetest guy I know and would do ANYTHING to make me happy. I believe this is because of his maturity level, both religious and mental.

I think you're right about this. As I recognize more SLIs out in the wide world, I have realized that not all SLIs are frat boys and many are much more mature and better suited to me. In several cases now that i've seen, being raised with some religious values does impact on this, ime.

The only qualms with the relationship are that he isn't very emotionally supportive. He tries, but I'm not sure he can gauge how bad I feel.

But this really makes me wonder whether you really have duality with this guy. I did not feel this way at all with the SLI i knew. I could recognize when he knew i felt hurt, or excited or sad, or disappointed, and i didn't really need any further emotionality from him or any sort of verbal expression to know that. In fact anything more would have disturbed the silent communication we had going between us and how special it was knowing no-one else knew what we were communicating to each other. And we weren't even that close.

[Cyrano]

I think you're right about this. As I recognize more SLIs out in the wide world, I have realized that not all SLIs are frat boys and many are much more mature and better suited to me. In several cases now that i've seen, being raised with some religious values does impact on this, ime.



But this really makes me wonder whether you really have duality with this guy. I did not feel this way at all with the SLI i knew. I could recognize when he knew i felt hurt, or excited or sad, or disappointed, and i didn't really need any further emotionality from him or any sort of verbal expression to know that. In fact anything more would have disturbed the silent communication we had going between us and how special it was knowing no-one else knew what we were communicating to each other. And we weren't even that close.

Takes time to get in tune. He's also young (assuming he's Cbelle's age). I am appalled by how obtuse I was to my girlfriends when young. Just so clueless and unaware. Hope I'm better now. I wish Cbelle well, but she had better not expect much emotional support. She should demand respect, chivalry, kindness, intellect, and humor from her ISTp, but not empathy. The duality is that the ENFp can forgive us.

Now, having said that, Cbelle, don't accept anything but an awesome guy, Socionics isn't foolproof.

[Park]

What constitutes a high religious maturity level?

[Suz]

What constitutes a high religious maturity level?

lol the way i understood it, she meant high religious level and maturity level (separately)

[Cbelle]

Takes time to get in tune. He's also young (assuming he's Cbelle's age). I am appalled by how obtuse I was to my girlfriends when young. Just so clueless and unaware. Hope I'm better now. I wish Cbelle well, but she had better not expect much emotional support. She should demand respect, chivalry, kindness, intellect, and humor from her ISTp, but not empathy. The duality is that the ENFp can forgive us.

Now, having said that, Cbelle, don't accept anything but an awesome guy, Socionics isn't foolproof.

I'm not saying he can't tell when I'm unhappy or not feeling well. When he realizes this he tries the best he can to make me feel better. It's only that I don't think he understands HOW to help someone feel better, other than "I'm sorry, is there anything I can do to help?" Also, most of our emotional conversations happen via text (we're in the beginning stages of a relationship and aren't even official yet), which means I don't get physical support. In the rare occasion we're with each other, he'll sit next to me until I feel better, but he doesn't try to talk to me about it.

He grew up in a household of many boys so I think that may have something to do with it. Also his sisters are pretty tough.

[Suz]

Takes time to get in tune. He's also young (assuming he's Cbelle's age). I am appalled by how obtuse I was to my girlfriends when young. Just so clueless and unaware. Hope I'm better now. I wish Cbelle well, but she had better not expect much emotional support. She should demand respect, chivalry, kindness, intellect, and humor from her ISTp, but not empathy. The duality is that the ENFp can forgive us.

Now, having said that, Cbelle, don't accept anything but an awesome guy, Socionics isn't foolproof.

I really am not sure what you mean; I got the feeling that SLIs are very empathetic, they just aren't great at showing it.

Oh and i totally agree with your last statement, Cyrano, regardless of whether Cbelle and her guy are duals (I still think they are not, I am not totally convinced you're ENFp, Cbelle.). You two seem like you get along really well and that's rare. As you can see even duals dont always get along for reasons other than duality.

[Cyrano]

I really am not sure what you mean; I got the feeling that SLIs are very empathetic, they just aren't great at showing it.

Oh and i totally agree with your last statement, Cyrano, regardless of whether Cbelle and her guy are duals (I still think they are not, I am not totally convinced you're ENFp, Cbelle.). You two seem like you get along really well and that's rare. As you can see even duals dont always get along for reasons other than duality.

Yes. I think you're right.

[humblepie]

I really am not sure what you mean; I got the feeling that SLIs are very empathetic, they just aren't great at showing it.

Oh and i totally agree with your last statement, Cyrano, regardless of whether Cbelle and her guy are duals (I still think they are not, I am not totally convinced you're ENFp, Cbelle.). You two seem like you get along really well and that's rare. As you can see even duals dont always get along for reasons other than duality.

in my experience sli's are NOT empathetic in the sense that they will hold your hand and offer you their shoulder to cry on but deep deep down they really do care. it's just buried deep down and it isn't even obvious to them much less to those around them. when you cry, you cry alone with an sli. that's my experience of it anyway.

[humblepie]

Takes time to get in tune. He's also young (assuming he's Cbelle's age). I am appalled by how obtuse I was to my girlfriends when young. Just so clueless and unaware. Hope I'm better now. I wish Cbelle well, but she had better not expect much emotional support. She should demand respect, chivalry, kindness, intellect, and humor from her ISTp, but not empathy. The duality is that the ENFp can forgive us.

Now, having said that, Cbelle, don't accept anything but an awesome guy, Socionics isn't foolproof.

i like you.

my sli needs to work on his chivalry skills. we had a bet one night, it was a stupid bet about whether or not people would know what a pod of dolphins was cos i was laughing at him for showing off his knowledge of the word like EVERYONE knows what a pod of dolphins is. if he lost he had to do the dishes for a week. first he tried to cheat by mouthing the word over to my sisters boyfriend, he made out then like he'd won and kept it up for two days til i asked the sisters boyfriend and then when defeat was staring him in the face he tried to get it down to doing the dishes only 3 days. he did it ZERO days. he needs to learn to honor his bets like a man of honor. i'll fix his barrow.

[Cyrano]

i like you.

my sli needs to work on his chivalry skills. we had a bet one night, it was a stupid bet about whether or not people would know what a pod of dolphins was cos i was laughing at him for showing off his knowledge of the word like EVERYONE knows what a pod of dolphins is. if he lost he had to do the dishes for a week. first he tried to cheat by mouthing the word over to my sisters boyfriend, he made out then like he'd won and kept it up for two days til i asked the sisters boyfriend and then when defeat was staring him in the face he tried to get it down to doing the dishes only 3 days. he did it ZERO days. he needs to learn to honor his bets like a man of honor. i'll fix his barrow.

Humble. He should have won that one, but he should pay up. Let him know that you expect him to follow through just as you would have. Now, tell me, YOU didn't do the dishes for him. Let them sit in the sink until the smell of his dishonor compells him to clense his soul. I know you don't want to make too much of this, but he does have a debt.

[humblepie]

How long have you SLIs been with your duals? How many serious relationships have you had? How comfortable are SLIs with cheating and not saying anything? Do they keep their promises of fidelity?


my sli and i have been quarreling. We've been on and off since as long as i can remember. we're not off right now, but we're in a long distance relationship and things are really taking a toll. as if being in a relationship a million miles away isn't hard enough, he's always busy. i know hes not doing work all the time cause his friends live in his house and they're always coming by...and i feel like it wouldnt kill him to make some time for me. thats not where the quarrel came in yet, but i think thats the root of the problem. we've talked about it a million times and we agreed that becuase he didnt have enough time for me that he would text once in a while or something else. then we argued about it again and the next time, he told me that i could text him if i missed him too much. then we argued about it again he all he was telling me was that he never asked for this--us...and that i cause unnecessary stress on his life, that his life was 100% with his fraternity. this just made me feel like he didn't want to be with me, but why is he even trying to make it work? afraid to end things?

he travels sometimes to other schools where he can do anything he wants with girls and i wouldnt even know about it. he just doesnt say anything...im not sure if i can believe him when he says nothing happens when my friends will find pictures of girls hugging him and sitting on him at parties. Now, i know it sounds like no big deal, but i just feel betrayed because ive resisted so much temptation here at college. i don't even allow myself to think about other guys, touch them and even flirt! did i put myself here? is flirting and sitting on other guys okay? i wouldnt have a problem with it if he would tell me what i'm allowed to do everything he allows girls to do with him. i just want things to be fair. he tells me listen, girls flirt with me, so deal with it. deal with it?! DEAL WITH IT?! a lot of guys flirt with me too...except i know he can trust that i'll respect him...i think its just so effed up. >

so basically, i dont even know what my sli wants from me. is he just making things work just enough so that i wont leave? i want to be understanding, but i just feel like im not getting anything and having these arguments are getting pointless. if he does not try to find a way to make me happy and actually come through, should i break up with him? i feel really unhappy and even though i love him a lot, i hate him for leaving me lonely and not caring about me or even trying to feign some type of understanding.

any similar experiences? advice? im so confused.

sli's are loyal on the whole. it must be hard trying to sort things out long distance. i don't envy you. i'm going to assume that you are just like me and advise you accordingly.

be honest with yourself, even if you wanted to finish it would you really be able to stick with that decision? i doubt it. so the only thing for you to do is find a way out of the problem.

us enfp's can get really whiney when we are depressed, be careful not to let yourself get too whiney with him. it's definately not the way to go to get an sli to care and understand. instead come at it from a different angle. one thing that has worked for me is to take a step back when he says something you perceive as harsh and ask yourself as objectively as you can if there is some truth to what he is saying. you have to mentally disregard his harsh tone and believe me i know it is hard and you may feel like crying at first but don't hold onto that feeling, allow for a calmer more assertive feeling to enter your head. i sometimes have to take a toilet break to calm myself down and sometimes have a quick little cry to get it out and then find i can think a little clearer. i have found i get alot more back when i calmly accept what he is saying. he will be appreciative of your new attitude and will see you in a better light. one reason my sli finished things before was that i couldn't take criticism and would fly off the handle. i know him saying girls flirt with him DEAL WITH IT isn't exactly criticism but it is still a blow to your ego. the sooner your ego dies a death the better, be thankful to him for killing that because your ego if stroked too much will turn you into Bono and you don't want to turn into him now do you? you have to learn to take all his harshness and brutal honesty as a salve for your soul because that is exactly what it is. your soul doesn't want you to be an ego maniac who flips out at some ditzy girl sitting on his lap. and remember he doesn't give a shit about those girls. look how long it has taken him to give a shit about you. do you really think any of them are even important or that he even knows any of their names? he's just young and out having fun which if you love him you should want for him.

although it is good to try to calm yourself down it is probably a good idea to let your feelings out too sometime because it is what is natural and inevitable so don't beat yourself up too much if you aren't as cool calm and collected as a T.

i flipped out once when my sli saw this tits and ass girl pass by and he said " oh my fucking god" his jaw nearly hit the floor. i was devastated. i threw a pint glass onto the road and effed and blinded for the whole night. i was like a maniac.

[Suz]

i flipped out once when my sli saw this tits and ass girl pass by and he said " oh my fucking god" his jaw nearly hit the floor. i was devastated. i threw a pint glass onto the road and effed and blinded for the whole night. i was like a maniac.

I could see myself getting jealous about things like that too. I think it might happen more if I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me. But on the other hand i do realize that guys just can't help but notice such things and it's almost involuntary. Probably in particular for a type like SLI with dominant Si. They notice everything, and focus on how it makes them feel physically.

[Park]

I would not feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who analyzes or judges my spontaneous (short-term) behavior. Maybe this is more of a universal thing, but just saying.

[Suz]

I would not feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who analyzes or judges my spontaneous (short-term) behavior. Maybe this is more of a universal thing, but just saying.

thats a useful insight to me, thanks parkster

[Park]

thats a useful insight to me, thanks parkster

Sure thing.