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Thread: Taking compliments

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    Cat Lady aixelsyd's Avatar
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    Default Taking compliments

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    Life's a bitch and she's got me pussy whipped.

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    I can't take compliments beyond "You look good!" It makes me super self conscious and as if I don't feel like I am uncomfortable enough as it is, it starts to make me feel like running away and hiding.

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    I like compliments, except ones that I don't think describe me. I tend to associate that with my seeking...



    LII-Ne

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brilliand View Post
    I like compliments, except ones that I don't think describe me. I tend to associate that with my seeking...
    Yeah, same here. I'd also add that I get quite skeptical when some is being over-complimentary. Like they're manipulating me somehow.
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    I notice some ESIs will totally reject a compliment or else give you a 'that's nice of you but that's totally not true' and similar stubbornness. It's infuriating.
    I think it might be culture-related. In some countries nearly everyone will react this way, in others it's perceived as weird or even rude. I don't know the background of the ESIs you know, but I wouldn't discard this factor.

    I don't know if other ILIs feel like they need to say something nice back. Compliments are totally awkward, in any case. I mean, I like them and then sometimes it's awkward. It's nice when it is unexpected and sincere but when you see it coming and it comes...eh...time to run out of the room quick like. I remember being complimented by an EII friend on a hair cut or something and I felt like I had to say something nice back in a similar vein. She was like, 'just accept the compliment.' Stuck ever since. In a way where I no longer have any clue how to respond except 'thank you.'
    Exactly.

    Also, making up a really forced compliment makes the other person look/feel as if they were fishing for them in the first place... which may be useful at times but most of the time isn't the best idea, I learned.

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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    I notice some ESIs will totally reject a compliment or else give you a 'that's nice of you but that's totally not true' and similar stubbornness. It's infuriating.
    My girlfriend does that sometimes...I react by saying an insult equivalent to the inverse of the compliment, lol. It seems to work. Like "You hair looks great today" "No it really doesn't because bla bla" "Ok you have absolutely horrible hair, why do you never wash it?"

    I personally don't mind compliments. I think they're always deserved...yeah I'm a bit megalomaniac.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Glorious Member mu4's Avatar
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    I'm neutral to compliments, I like people to tell me, "Good job", "I appreciate you", "I love you" a lot more then other compliments.

    Occasionally, I like, "You're a genius!", "Thank god you did it this way. It's going to save us so much time."

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    I tend to get "You're brilliant" more than anything else, probably due to my username.



    LII-Ne

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brilliand View Post
    I tend to get "You're brilliant" more than anything else, probably due to my username.
    so in other words, you only get that online and not irl?


    mostly i only get complimented on my looks or my art, occasionally clothing/accessory-related shit, and i also get those half-compliments a lot about how i'm very bright but don't apply myself. how i take compliments varies depending on who gave it, what it was about, how it was done, etc.

    i never respond to compliments on my looks mainly because A) most guys do it in such a way that it doesn't feel like a compliment and B) because its kind of redundant since i didn't choose to look how i do and it would be pretty lame to accept a compliment on something i earn or w/e. the only exception is if the comment was made by someone i feel socially obligated to respond to, like my boss or a family friend or something, in which case i just smile slightly.

    if the compliment is on my art i always just thank them politely. compliments on my writing or intellect or w/e i don't really respond at all to, because i find them awkward and often untrue. comments on stupid shit like earrings or clothes or w/e are the easiest, just be like "thanks, dude" and continue doing whatever you were doing.

    if i feel a compliment is unnecessary then usually i'll give it right back to them to send the msg. it's pretty rude tbh but whatever lol
    maybe a saint is just a dead prick with a good publicist
    maybe tommorow's statues are insecure without their foes
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allie View Post
    so in other words, you only get that online and not irl?


    mostly i only get complimented on my looks or my art, occasionally clothing/accessory-related shit, and i also get those half-compliments a lot about how i'm very bright but don't apply myself. how i take compliments varies depending on who gave it, what it was about, how it was done, etc.

    i never respond to compliments on my looks mainly because A) most guys do it in such a way that it doesn't feel like a compliment and B) because its kind of redundant since i didn't choose to look how i do and it would be pretty lame to accept a compliment on something i earn or w/e. the only exception is if the comment was made by someone i feel socially obligated to respond to, like my boss or a family friend or something, in which case i just smile slightly.

    if the compliment is on my art i always just thank them politely. compliments on my writing or intellect or w/e i don't really respond at all to, because i find them awkward and often untrue. comments on stupid shit like earrings or clothes or w/e are the easiest, just be like "thanks, dude" and continue doing whatever you were doing.

    if i feel a compliment is unnecessary then usually i'll give it right back to them to send the msg. it's pretty rude tbh but whatever lol
    Being pretty and talented makes you eminently attractive. Cut it with some kindness and good humor will make you divine.

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    This makes sense in how duality works for me because my dual does not give compliments or praises very often; that works out great for me because I don't need them or want them. I would rather be shown that I am comlimented; kind of like a gentle kiss or a hug, an affirming gesture rather then words.

    I believe in huging as often as one can.
    I always appreciate it when an S friend/family member takes me shopping and picks out my clothes, that's a form of a compliment to me.

    I probably would say that I hate being praised especially in public.
    Last edited by Beautiful sky; 04-12-2010 at 07:33 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Allie View Post
    so in other words, you only get that online and not irl?


    mostly i only get complimented on my looks or my art, occasionally clothing/accessory-related shit, and i also get those half-compliments a lot about how i'm very bright but don't apply myself. how i take compliments varies depending on who gave it, what it was about, how it was done, etc.

    i never respond to compliments on my looks mainly because A) most guys do it in such a way that it doesn't feel like a compliment and B) because its kind of redundant since i didn't choose to look how i do and it would be pretty lame to accept a compliment on something i earn or w/e. the only exception is if the comment was made by someone i feel socially obligated to respond to, like my boss or a family friend or something, in which case i just smile slightly.

    if the compliment is on my art i always just thank them politely. compliments on my writing or intellect or w/e i don't really respond at all to, because i find them awkward and often untrue. comments on stupid shit like earrings or clothes or w/e are the easiest, just be like "thanks, dude" and continue doing whatever you were doing.

    if i feel a compliment is unnecessary then usually i'll give it right back to them to send the msg. it's pretty rude tbh but whatever lol
    Ok then you're ugly and stupid
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    I don't think it's type-related. I think it's more about your level of confidence and self-esteem.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by hkkmr View Post
    Being pretty and talented makes you eminently attractive. Cut it with some kindness and good humor will make you divine.
    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    Ok then you're ugly and stupid
    i feel like i am being tested and! its weirding me out...



    oh i just remembered someone i know who's really weird w/ compliments. she's Ti-ISTj and she doesn't handle compliments OR criticism well at all. if you make any comment whatsoever about her art, constructive or not, she will freak the fuck out and get paranoid like you're insulting her (except when i do it, but i guess that's because we're friends). if someone compliments her (besides me, again) she tends to be like "thanks" but then privately to me she's either roll her eyes, make a weirded-out expression that conveys "why is this person speaking to me??" or she'll think the person is obsessed and/or kissing up. idk why she has such strong reactions though lol
    maybe a saint is just a dead prick with a good publicist
    maybe tommorow's statues are insecure without their foes
    go ask the frog what the scorpion knows

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    Quote Originally Posted by Allie View Post
    so in other words, you only get that online and not irl?
    IRL most people favor "smart"... which I get online too, but the proportions are different.



    LII-Ne

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    Quote Originally Posted by Allie View Post
    i feel like i am being tested and! its weirding me out...
    Hahaha

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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    I notice some ESIs will totally reject a compliment or else give you a 'that's nice of you but that's totally not true' and similar stubbornness. It's infuriating.
    Ha this is me. I don't take compliments well unless I agree with what you are saying. If I agree with you on the compliment I will just politely smile and say thanks or something like that. I noticed my SEE friend also doesn't take compliments well and gets mostly quiet. He sure likes to give them out though. Too much imo. I don't like to give out compliments too often because I like for them to be realistic and meaningful. If you say nice things to me and other people all the time I just see you as someone trying to win people over and the things you say have less meaning to me.
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    I was uncomfortable receiving compliments until I mastered the response "Thanks," meaning, "I'm glad you like something about me. Let's change the subject." I usually compliment people on stuff like good taste in jewelry or being adept at elbow bending.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    I was uncomfortable receiving compliments until I mastered the response "Thanks," meaning, "I'm glad you like something about me. Let's change the subject." I usually compliment people on stuff like good taste in jewelry or being adept at elbow bending.
    Adept at elbow bending?



    For myself, I think it depends on the compliment and how it's given. I'm usually rather uncomfortable with compliments on my looks. It's sometimes nice in a way (I don't want to be repulsive, after all), but... it's just awkward to me and I can get very embarrassed. I especially don't like it when a big deal is made of my looks, like if it's said loudly.

    Compliments on my thinking or how I do something are better, but still sometimes awkward.

    The best compliments are when someone finds use or helpfulness from something I've said or done.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allie View Post
    i feel like i am being tested and! its weirding me out...



    oh i just remembered someone i know who's really weird w/ compliments. she's Ti-ISTj and she doesn't handle compliments OR criticism well at all. if you make any comment whatsoever about her art, constructive or not, she will freak the fuck out and get paranoid like you're insulting her (except when i do it, but i guess that's because we're friends). if someone compliments her (besides me, again) she tends to be like "thanks" but then privately to me she's either roll her eyes, make a weirded-out expression that conveys "why is this person speaking to me??" or she'll think the person is obsessed and/or kissing up. idk why she has such strong reactions though lol
    Shit, she needs some Fe.

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    I don't like any kind of appraisals at all, either positive or negative.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella View Post
    I don't like any kind of appraisals at all, either positive or negative.
    you're unlikeable.

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    Quote Originally Posted by he died with a felafel View Post
    minde, i didn't think of that before but in hindsight that really is the best kind of compliment to receive



    And I like Mariella.
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    Quote Originally Posted by mercutio View Post
    you're unlikeable.
    LOL. I can live with you feeling that way.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella View Post
    LOL. I can live with you feeling that way.
    yeah, otherwise you'd like positive/negative appraisals. I suppose it's a kind of independence.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mercutio View Post
    yeah, otherwise you'd like positive/negative appraisals. I suppose it's a kind of independence.
    I don't know why I feel that way. My parents were school teachers, and they'd gotten tons of inservice work on the self-esteem movement that started in the early 70s (when I was a baby). That was about continually praising your kids. A lot of people still do it. "Good job! Good sitting!" Etc. It just made me feel like I was constantly being judged, and made me uncomfortable with all appraisal still.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariella View Post
    I don't know why I feel that way. My parents were school teachers, and they'd gotten tons of inservice work on the self-esteem movement that started in the early 70s (when I was a baby). That was about continually praising your kids. A lot of people still do it. "Good job! Good sitting!" Etc. It just made me feel like I was constantly being judged, and made me uncomfortable with all appraisal still.
    Yeah, I hate that fake shit too. For me I like feeling more of a "connection" with people, and just giving blanket statements like that isn't really connecting. It's just acknowledging. And fuck that shit.

    What if someone compliments you on something that you'd never really thought about or thought of. Like a little off base.? Kind of sincere.

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    Yeah I guess now that you put it that way, i would respond positively to that. I just immediately thought of that other kind of praise. I guess a genuine heart-felt compliment I like, but praise, not so much.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    I am surpassingly bad at taking compliments. I normally respond to a compliment with a thank you followed by a comment on how I actually don't deserve the compliment, or how I do something related poorly, etc.

    I think I think about compliments as inherently hierarchical, and so in order to prevent myself from feeling like I went up in the hierarchy and to prevent the other person from thinking the same, I make a, "oh, no, I'm not really that good" gesture. It's like a reaction-formation. I know I could be super bigheaded (and I am, on the inside), so I work to act/be humble, but to an unnecessary (probably) extreme.
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

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    I like compliments that can lead to sex. Anything else is kind of meh. Especially professional ones. "Great job!" Yeah, whatever.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaz View Post
    I like compliments that can lead to sex.
    quotable!
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    I was sitting next to this NT guy awhile ago.. and he looks into my eyes intently and says "you have these black rings around your eyes." So I said "eh.. I'm a bit tired I guess.." And he says "no, I mean around the eyes themselves."
    "Oh - is it mascara?"
    "No - around your irises!"
    "Um.. perhaps it's a liver thing or something.."
    "Well keep up the drinking!"
    "Ohhh.. You're trying to compliment me? :-p"
    "Yes!"

    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rubicon View Post
    I was sitting next to this NT guy awhile ago.. and he looks into my eyes intently and says "you have these black rings around your eyes." So I said "eh.. I'm a bit tired I guess.." And he says "no, I mean around the eyes themselves."
    "Oh - is it mascara?"
    "No - around your irises!"
    "Um.. perhaps it's a liver thing or something.."
    "Well keep up the drinking!"
    "Ohhh.. You're trying to compliment me? :-p"
    "Yes!"

    what?!

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    Quote Originally Posted by mercutio View Post
    what?!
    What what?
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    I personally love compliments, they make me feel soooooo good inside, but when I get one, I look down like I don't deserve it. Personally, I find it a little embarrassing when I am complimented outright in front of people. so I look down and be humble and say "Thank you" quietly.

    My ILI friend hates them for reasons unknown. She "doesn't know what to say".
    D-SEI 9w1

    This is me and my dual being scientific together

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    There's an interesting study in the psychology lit on appraising children in the classroom.
    Two groups of kids:
    One group were told by teachers 'You're so smart!' when they did something well
    The other group were told 'You must have worked really hard!' for the same

    Guess which group got better grades, became better-adjusted, satisfied, and content with school?

    Group B.

    The differentiation between the two kinds of appraisal-as-reward, as described by the psych professor who devised this experiment, was between Results-focused appraisal vs Process-focused appraisal.
    I'm not sure i agree with this interpretation personally - i'd say the difference is more like ability vs effort - but it's certainly an interesting study...

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    Quote Originally Posted by xixi View Post
    There's an interesting study in the psychology lit on appraising children in the classroom.
    Two groups of kids:
    One group were told by teachers 'You're so smart!' when they did something well
    The other group were told 'You must have worked really hard!' for the same

    Guess which group got better grades, became better-adjusted, satisfied, and content with school?

    Group B.

    The differentiation between the two kinds of appraisal-as-reward, as described by the psych professor who devised this experiment, was between Results-focused appraisal vs Process-focused appraisal.
    I'm not sure i agree with this interpretation personally - i'd say the difference is more like ability vs effort - but it's certainly an interesting study...
    there was an article in the New York Times awhile back about this sort of thing. And I definitely agree that students should be praised for the effort over their end result. Because what happens is that you have these really smart kids who can get perfect grades without even trying and everyone's telling them how great they are when they didn't do a thing. So once they hit an area in life where they actually have to WORK they're confused, upset, pissy. "why isn't this easy for me?" and this attitude that if they're so smart they should be able to do anything and that the world somehow owes them something. Whereas if you praise a child for their effort, they learn that the most important thing is to do their best and put in a lot of hard work.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    Another reason why the idea behind talent is largely baloney.
    The experiment doesn't disprove the existence of talent. You don't need to look far to see that some ppl are naturally very good at certain things.

    That it demonstrates the applicability of a commonsense, deeply-held assumption is what makes the experiment good.

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