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Thread: Dual relationship tension - help!

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    Default Dual relationship tension - help!

    Ive known my gf for almost 2 years now and we've always gotten along really well - almost perfectly to say the least. Shes Se ISTj and im Ni ENFj. But lately things have been tense. First of all shes always insluting me and cussing at me for the least thing. She blames it on her PMS and says "sometimes im just a straight up bitch" but i havent seen her this way in two years almost that Ive known her. Sometimes shes blows me off and is really cynical Ill ask her how shes doing and shell be like "whatever just do what you have to do" and i ask why shes being that way shell say "w/e just have a good day" reallly cynically and blows me off when i want to help her. Or well be talking then all of a sudden shell be like " i dont wanna talk anymore leave me alone" and it really hurts me when she talks that way obviously. Then for that she apologizes. But thats not what bothers me most. What bothers me most is the way shes started talking shit to me for no reason. We'll be talking on the phone and she doesnt talk very loud so i ask her to repeat herself and shes like "clean the cum out of your ears"! Thats not something a gf says to a bf. And once she was like "you suck" for for no reason at all. I tell her that it hurts me, that yes im oversensitive being a a pisces and 4W5 but that doesn t help shell still be like "you take things tooo personally" or "i never said I was nice". And she never gives me compliments either(ever), while I give her so many.

    And theres another thing that causes me to resent her. Since for now we're long distance she wants to have an open relationship until w're physicallly together where we can have sex with other people! All this because her hormones temporarily make her on fire! She admitted to having cheated on me once long ago and I said I let it slide because we love each other tooo much. But shes said if I didnt accept her idea of an open relationship and "set her free" that "there would be alot of lies between us"! Thats no way to talk to someone you cling to like she does to me.

    All this bugs me because she basically treats me like crap. Not alll the time, and I realize theres worse, but i dont wanna put up with this I feel like she doesnt care if our relationship goes down the drain because of her carelessness and tactlessness. Let me remind you I love her very much and she loves me enormously too i know this.

    Whats going on? Can someone give me advice? any ideas/suggestions?

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    Jarno's Avatar
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    I don't think I have a clear answer but...

    I've read in dual descriptions that there is such a period that duals are frustrated with eachother. But I don't know if that is what you are dealing with now.

    Next to this, ISTJ-Se is a conflict seeker. They have a need for a fight now and then. So...

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    ILE - ENTp 1981slater's Avatar
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    The best way to deal with angry people: when they start to bitch around, take your jacket and go for a walk. After 1-2 hours, go back to your home and act as if nothing happened. End of story.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jarno View Post
    I don't think I have a clear answer but...

    I've read in dual descriptions that there is such a period that duals are frustrated with eachother. But I don't know if that is what you are dealing with now.

    I beleive so. Its not so much conflicts going on as it is tension.

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    Woah...

    Well I probably shouldn't be giving out relationship advice but.....

    speaking from an LSI's perspective, I would act like that when I feel like I've got A LOT of control in the relationship. When that happens to me, when I feel I've "won", I kind of get complacent in the relationship and look for other things out there. It's just like when you get a job and get too good in that position, you don't feel challenged, the only place you think of going is up the corporate ladder. Now this all sounds alarming, but the EIE I've been 'with' has like this innate sense of when I get like that, and then evolves into someone I have to chase after to increase the Se/desire. Speaking for beta STs, we want what we can't have so if something is given too easily to us we don't really value it. When I first met this EIE he was in Fe overload and I basically felt like 'yeah i've got this guy but let's see if i can get something a bit better.' You've got to amp up the Ni a bit where you threaten certain things which show what can go wrong with her actions etc.....worked with me......and creates a lot of desire

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    Not to be cynical, but she just isn't that into you. She has assumed the power position and is probably banging some guy right now. Dump her and see how she reacts. If she does anything, she probably cares. If she doesn't, she doesn't.
    Moonlight will fall
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    Quote Originally Posted by shakealittle View Post
    Woah...

    Well I probably shouldn't be giving out relationship advice but.....

    speaking from an LSI's perspective, I would act like that when I feel like I've got A LOT of control in the relationship. When that happens to me, when I feel I've "won", I kind of get complacent in the relationship and look for other things out there. It's just like when you get a job and get too good in that position, you don't feel challenged, the only place you think of going is up the corporate ladder. Now this all sounds alarming, but the EIE I've been 'with' has like this innate sense of when I get like that, and then evolves into someone I have to chase after to increase the Se/desire. Speaking for beta STs, we want what we can't have so if something is given too easily to us we don't really value it. When I first met this EIE he was in Fe overload and I basically felt like 'yeah i've got this guy but let's see if i can get something a bit better.' You've got to amp up the Ni a bit where you threaten certain things which show what can go wrong with her actions etc.....worked with me......and creates a lot of desire
    The long version +1
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    Quote Originally Posted by munenori2 View Post
    The long version +1
    hey you stole my brain lol !!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by munenori2 View Post
    Not to be cynical, but she just isn't that into you.
    I highly doubt that, and im not being delusional.

    because

    Dump her and see how she reacts. If she does anything, she probably cares. If she doesn't, she doesn't.
    She said "if you wannna break up just tell me ok but if you tho just know you killed me the rest of the way..."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Typhon View Post
    I highly doubt that, and im not being delusional.
    She is taking you for granted and is far too complacent. If i can ask, what did you do once you found out she cheated on you?

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    dump her ass, this shit is fucked up.

    dual or not, no one should treat you like that.

    she crossed the line now and deserves punishment.

    beta stylee
    <Crispy> what subt doesnt understand is that a healthy reaction to "FUCK YOU" is and not

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    Quote Originally Posted by thePirate View Post
    dump her ass, this shit is fucked up.

    dual or not, no one should treat you like that.

    she crossed the line now and deserves punishment.

    beta stylee
    +100
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by munenori2 View Post
    Not to be cynical, but she just isn't that into you. She has assumed the power position and is probably banging some guy right now. Dump her and see how she reacts. If she does anything, she probably cares. If she doesn't, she doesn't.
    sounds right.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Quote Originally Posted by Typhon
    She said "if you wannna break up just tell me ok but if you tho just know you killed me the rest of the way..."

    I'm sorry but this is entirely one-sided. She is not considering how her behaviour is affecting YOU. Being LSI is no excuse for treating you like shit. Also, she would only be "killing" herself, don't let her pin that shit on you. It's not like you are being unreasonable for godsake.


    If she says she loves you, then fine, who am I to judge. However it's clear you both have very different ideas about what love is, and God knows LSIs will not budge even with a gun to their head, so I'm not sure that talking is gonna do much good.


    Whether you love her enough to continue putting up with this is ofc up to you, but I know that ethical types in particular can potentially allow themselves to be horribly abused if they believe they are enduring it for the higher purpose of "love".


    I'm sorry, man, I really, really empathise with you. I've been in a similar situation and it was hell.

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    You're being too nice. Toughen up and see what the relationship does from there. If you're still not getting what you need out of the relationship, leave it. There is an issue of power balance in this relationship, and while power games should not have a place in a relationship, clearly in this case, they do, so, get up and get back some power.

    Also, do you really want to be with a girl, dual or not, who treats you like crap? I know at least two or three LSI females out of the people that I'm fairly good friends with, so I feel like they're not that that hard to find. And even if you don't hook up with a dual right after this girl, sometimes you just need someone who's into you. Helps restore the self-esteem, you know.

    Also, like Shagbag (lol), I'm sorry too, this all sounds like not-fun.
    Last edited by silverchris9; 03-13-2010 at 10:18 AM.
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

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    Quote Originally Posted by shakealittle View Post
    She is taking you for granted and is far too complacent. If i can ask, what did you do once you found out she cheated on you?
    I cried, and she told me to stop crying because it made her hurt knowing she had hurt me already. Then she mutilated her arm with a needle. The hole was about the size of a screw a nail.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shagbag The Wizard View Post

    If she says she loves you, then fine, who am I to judge. However it's clear you both have very different ideas about what love is.
    Explain please.

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    She cheated on you? Wants an open relationship? Well, I'd sugget to cut all contact and forget about her. I don't think she thinks of herself as being in a relationship with you.

    I cried, and she told me to stop crying because it made her hurt knowing she had hurt me already. Then she mutilated her arm with a needle. The hole was about the size of a screw a nail.
    ROTFL, I hope the needle was at least HIV-infected
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    And not to do a turn around and stand up for her, but shes done things for me that are sweet too. Like shes written me tons of poetry. And you know how they can say LSIs like you or not rather easily? Well, I can telll shes reallly really into me and everyone around me (including my parents) see it too.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Typhon View Post
    I cried, and she told me to stop crying because it made her hurt knowing she had hurt me already. Then she mutilated her arm with a needle. The hole was about the size of a screw a nail.
    Yeah, but we're still talking about what she did to feel good about herself. What will you do? Because that's the issue, right? You feel something's off and hence the question presents itself.
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    Quote Originally Posted by munenori2 View Post
    Yeah, but we're still talking about what she did to feel good about herself. What will you do? Because that's the issue, right? You feel something's off and hence the question presents itself.
    Wait is what Ill do. Shes in a mental hospital now so the only way i can talk to her is through writing her. I dont think now is a good time todeal with this with her. Ill wait tilll she gets out, we have more contact and if things continue or if it was just a phase.

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    Mental hospital? LOL
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Well, no, not lol, but that could significantly change what the best way to look at the relationship is. She might just need time to get healthy on her own, without too much relationship stuff at all. She might be pushing you away because of some slight awareness of that. But I have basically zero experience in either love or mental difficulties, so I ought to just be quiet.
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Typhon View Post
    I cried, and she told me to stop crying because it made her hurt knowing she had hurt me already. Then she mutilated her arm with a needle. The hole was about the size of a screw a nail.
    um, weird??

    Drama much?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Typhon View Post
    Wait is what Ill do. Shes in a mental hospital now so the only way i can talk to her is through writing her. I dont think now is a good time todeal with this with her. Ill wait tilll she gets out, we have more contact and if things continue or if it was just a phase.
    I was about to say she sounds insane and this goes beyond socionics, but now it's all clear. The problem is she is crazy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Loki View Post
    I was about to say she sounds insane and this goes beyond socionics, but now it's all clear. The problem is she is crazy.
    gonna say the same thing. I feel for you guys.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Typhon View Post
    Wait is what Ill do. Shes in a mental hospital now so the only way i can talk to her is through writing her. I dont think now is a good time todeal with this with her. Ill wait tilll she gets out, we have more contact and if things continue or if it was just a phase.
    wait for someone who continuously hurts you AND is in a mental institution? niiiiice. sounds like a waste of time and feelings IMO.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sarahdxwrappd View Post
    wait for someone who continuously hurts you AND is in a mental institution? niiiiice. sounds like a waste of time and feelings IMO.
    well maybe she's hurting him because SHE'S hurting. Not a great excuse but understandable. Maybe if she can get healthy, she'll stop mistreating him. It's up to him as to whether he wants to spend his timing waiting for that to happen. But yeah, I think I agree with you in general.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Well.. I can tell you what I would do, but I suppose I'm not her dual. (I actually recently had a similar experience with a dual. She was insulting my laziness. But I blamed her attitude on the fact she was with another IEI who was ~mercilessly cock blocking me~. Holy shit.) I would simply tell her she sucks, too, and then take it to another level by exaggerating how much she sucks. Then, by making it so obvious I was exaggerating, it would make both what I said meaningless, and then by association what she said meaningless. I wouldn't take it personally and I'd turn it into an absurd joke. It's possible you've been too nice to her. It's not good to be too nice to people, it will have reverse consequences. There is a flipside to niceness. It can be manipulative, uncomfortable, and weak ... If it's not justified. People will sense this, and then they'll fuck with you. It can also pussify you as a male. The female may get into her head (?how!?) that she is better than you, the male! (hahahahhahah!)

    Quote Originally Posted by munenori2 View Post
    Not to be cynical, but she just isn't that into you. She has assumed the power position and is probably banging some guy right now. Dump her and see how she reacts. If she does anything, she probably cares. If she doesn't, she doesn't.
    Absolutely. The girl is in the power position, and that is simply unacceptable. Yeah, dump her now before she dumps you AND humps other dudes. How bad is that? You have to make HER feel the pain.

    Quote Originally Posted by thePirate View Post
    dump her ass, this shit is fucked up.

    dual or not, no one should treat you like that.

    she crossed the line now and deserves punishment.

    beta stylee
    Exactly pirate. This is how a true beta handles his problems. Now typhon, what are you? Are you a real beta? Or are you a ninny.. an impersonator. Get out there and deal with this, NOW.
    Last edited by crazedrat; 03-13-2010 at 07:49 PM.
    INTp

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    Yeah, exactly tuturututu.
    But make sure to do it in a way where you can always step back from it afterwards and say "oh, whatever, that's all absurd".
    INTp

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    Quote Originally Posted by crazedratXII View Post

    Exactly pirate. This is how a true beta handles his problems. Now typhon, what are you? Are you a real beta? Or are you a ninny.. an impersonator. Get out there and deal with this, NOW.
    Fuck you. How are you an expert on how a "true beta" handles his problems. I probably know my type better than you what the hell is an INFp-ISTj? Dont tell me what to do the real ninny would be the one who just wants to be cool so he listens to crazedrat who thinks he knows something about socionics and beta.


    I can make my own decisions thank you very much.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Loki View Post
    I was about to say she sounds insane and this goes beyond socionics, but now it's all clear. The problem is she is crazy.
    She admits shes crazy herself.

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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    She may or may not be sleeping around, but my initial thoughts when I read this was that she just doesn't feel that way and is probably pissed that she's in a relationship that feels constraining in regards to her freedom. It may be a phase, but I wouldn't assume that just because it is duality that she wants to be with you in that way right now. Maybe go to what she is suggesting and be friends. Let her call the shots on this one.

    I am not LSI, but having gone through something remotely similar, the signs are there...getting frustrated at the situation and letting it blow over on you because it's more or less why this frustration is there.
    intelligent.


    Id rather dump her and make her feel the pain then end up being friends though.

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    Quote Originally Posted by thePirate View Post
    dump her ass, this shit is fucked up.

    dual or not, no one should treat you like that.

    she crossed the line now and deserves punishment.

    beta stylee

    I don't care what type she or you is. She was and is wrong and you should find someone who appreciates you.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Typhon View Post

    Whats going on? Can someone give me advice? any ideas/suggestions?
    Sounds like a bad relationship; she want's to be with you but in an open relationship, but doesn't treat you well enough to have any relationship; and, it doesn't sound like a dual relationship.

    Let's see, keep her on the side as an f-buddy, because that's what she wants and look for another person who is kinder to you...this option is another emotional situation you will have to deal with.
    Or, break up and lead a sane life and not have to worry about all the emotional abuse you're getting...this option will make you healthy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Typhon View Post
    She admits shes crazy herself.
    Right. But I mentioned this because I see at hopeless no matter what you do as long as she is insane. And I see hurting her as a way to possibly make her insanity worse. And honestly how she treats you just isn't okay, but if she's not of sound mind she might not be able to help it, but still by allowing it to continue you're letting her hurt you and so the reasons why she's doing it are less important than that she is doing it.

  37. #37
    Creepy-sarahdxwrappd

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    After reading comments about "make her feel the pain"...I doubt you leaving her alone will make her much worse off than she is right now...in a mental institution.

    it's simple: leave her alone. A) she's not healthy at the moment, she needs to fix herself; it's easier to do without distractions B) she doesn't want you from what's she said and her actions. make yourself happy, this shouldn't be type related.

  38. #38
    crazedrat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Typhon View Post
    Fuck you. How are you an expert on how a "true beta" handles his problems. I probably know my type better than you what the hell is an INFp-ISTj? Dont tell me what to do the real ninny would be the one who just wants to be cool so he listens to crazedrat who thinks he knows something about socionics and beta.


    I can make my own decisions thank you very much.
    No, you don't know more about your type than I do. Anyway, I'm not an expert on "true betas". That line was a joke, and the whole post was pretty much a joke.. Now I see you have no sense of humor. Well, I guess I can understand why you reacted this way.. you're basically this girls bitch so that has to be embarrassing. I bet she calls you a pussy / wimp, doesn't she? I can just get that. ISTj girl, wimp like yourself. Yeah, she treats you like her bitch and it's emasculating.
    INTp

  39. #39
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    weren't you contemplating suicide recently?
    INTp

  40. #40
    Executor MatthewZ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    Yes, I was. Contemplating due to boredom of this predictable, routine, but especially predictable and uninteresting existence, that is. But by clicking to view your post, I was finally convinced to pull out the gun and go through with it.

    Dibs on her post count.

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