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Thread: Need Advice

  1. #1
    Creepy-Cyclops

    Default Need Advice

    OK, in a slight pickle.

    I'd mentioned this to WorkaholicsAnon yesterday.

    I went out on Friday night to my local pub (you may know that ISTp's can tend to like going to bars from time to time).

    Anyway, I was standing at the bar and this woman in her 50's asked me if I was single.

    Nothing against 50 odd year old women, but, I went into sort of "defence" mode if you will, incase she was going to try to have fun with/at me or try to chat me up and I said, "No, i'm seeing somebody". Really just to get her off my case.

    Anyway, it turned out she was actually asking for her daughter. She was out with her partner and her daughter. Apparently her daughter has seen me a few times in the place and has found herself attracted to me, but was too shy to say something about it.

    So, her daughter is stunning imo. I spent some hours talking to them, and got on really well with her daughter. Not only do I find her attractive but I get only EXTREMELY well with her, a really nice person and easy for me to get on with.

    Her daughter told me that she really enjoyed talking to me and that she thinks i'm attractive and a nice guy.

    So, here's the situation, I actually really like her, she likes me, but... she thinks I am SEEING SOMEBODY! UGH!!

    I really didn't know how to overcome that, I mean, what do I say? I thought your mum was trying to fire into me? Ugh, doesn't sound that great at all.

    Although, I suppose I have to say something.

    My friend told me he thinks I should just continue building up rappor with her, but at same time, i'm in an unusual situation of "lying", which i'm not comfortable about for some internal and I think some obvious reasons.

    Usually people lie the opposite way...say they are single when they are not! What a strange situation.

    So, I thought i'd ask you guys, any advice on how you think I should approach this predicament?

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    Your friend is right, I think. Just continue building up rapport with her. If you feel something is 'off' about telling her something, then just don't tell her. Just listen to your inner guide or whatever. When the times are right, you will process everything smoothly.

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    In other words, don't try so hard and relax and if she likes you, she'll like you and be the one to make moves too, even if it's not as socially acceptable. And if what's you really want, just allow yourself to have it.

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    Be honest and tell her the truth.

    They'll be all and you'll be all but there's no simpler way out, bite the bullet!
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    Jesus, just tell her! It's not a big deal. I don't she'd take offense if you say that you just didn't feel like being approached by somebody that night, thus you lied that way. I would personally not say straight away "I didn't want to be available for a 50-yo woman", but probably she wouldn't take offense either, I think it's quite an understandable situation (you're in your early 30s?).
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zed View Post
    Be honest and tell her the truth.

    They'll be all and you'll be all but there's no simpler way out, bite the bullet!
    Yeah, pretty much... It should provide plenty of material for joking etc if she's as cool as you make out. :-p
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    yeah I don't think it's that big of a deal. You could either just tell her, OR keep up the friendship and eventually let her know that you're not seeing someone anymore. Either way it's pretty innocent. (kinda cute that you're so worried about it. I think it means you're a good guy. )
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyclops View Post
    So, here's the situation, I actually really like her, she likes me, but... she thinks I am SEEING SOMEBODY! UGH!!

    I really didn't know how to overcome that, I mean, what do I say? I thought your mum was trying to fire into me? Ugh, doesn't sound that great at all.
    there must be another thing you can come up with like:

    - I don't like to talk about my relationship status, so I usually reply with "I'm seeing someone"

    - I like to play jokes on people, so ...

    - etc etc

    There are 100 things you can get out of this situation with, this shouldn't be a problem at all!

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    No sweat, just let it be known. Alternately, if she is significantly interested, staging a breakup and placing her in the role of the crutch that you fall back on could be an easy way to woo her. That's some serious Don Juan shit, and probably unnecessary if she likes you already, but it's also kind of hilarious, and ten years from now you can tell her that there was no girlfriend, and it will be one of those getting-a-little-bit-closer-by-the-truth moments.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly View Post
    No sweat, just let it be known. Alternately, if she is significantly interested, staging a breakup and placing her in the role of the crutch that you fall back on could be an easy way to woo her. That's some serious Don Juan shit, and probably unnecessary if she likes you already, but it's also kind of hilarious, and ten years from now you can tell her that there was no girlfriend, and it will be one of those getting-a-little-bit-closer-by-the-truth moments.
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    Yeah, you could tell her and it would be fine. Thinking her mom might be a cougar would definitely be good for a laugh.
    IEE

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    a couple flags here:'


    "Her daughter told me that she really enjoyed talking to me and that she thinks i'm attractive and a nice guy."

    The girl said this to you, thinking you had a girlfriend? Being interested in dating you despite you having a girlfriend (imaginary though she is), is a flag.

    Also, it's odd her mother and father were in a bar with her right? And that they're talking to people for her?

    She might have some issues because of that, such as being open to dating guys w/ girlfriends. So just FYI. People who are willing to cheat w/ others may also be willing to cheat on you. Just keep in mind.

    That said, yeah, you can easily mention you aren't seeing someone now. You can just call her and explain you're not seeing anyone now and would she like to go out. Don't even need to explain. She'll be exciting to hear that I'm sure, and later on after you know her well you can explain why that happened (w/ the mom thing).
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    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    a couple flags here:'


    "Her daughter told me that she really enjoyed talking to me and that she thinks i'm attractive and a nice guy."

    The girl said this to you, thinking you had a girlfriend? Being interested in dating you despite you having a girlfriend (imaginary though she is), is a flag.

    Also, it's odd her mother and father were in a bar with her right? And that they're talking to people for her?
    She might have some issues because of that, such as being open to dating guys w/ girlfriends. So just FYI. People who are willing to cheat w/ others may also be willing to cheat on you. Just keep in mind.

    That said, yeah, you can easily mention you aren't seeing someone now. You can just call her and explain you're not seeing anyone now and would she like to go out. Don't even need to explain. She'll be exciting to hear that I'm sure, and later on after you know her well you can explain why that happened (w/ the mom thing).
    I also actually kinda found that weird. Even as painfully shy as I can be with guys on the dating scene, I would never let my mom do that for me. Actually, I would die of embarrassment if she ever tried to.

    Anyway, see? The IEEs here agree with me--just tell her straight out what happened. It's FUNNY and kinda sweet, not rude or creepy. If she really is IEE, I recommend taking your duals' advice in this.
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    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    a couple flags here:'


    "Her daughter told me that she really enjoyed talking to me and that she thinks i'm attractive and a nice guy."

    The girl said this to you, thinking you had a girlfriend? Being interested in dating you despite you having a girlfriend (imaginary though she is), is a flag.
    why is it bad to tell someone those nice things, even if they're seeing someone else? I don't think it necessarily means she's willing to cheat! Sounds to me like she was just being honest. I mean, Cyclops isn't married. So if things were to not work out with his imaginary girlfriend, he might start seeing this real girl.
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    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    a couple flags here:'


    "Her daughter told me that she really enjoyed talking to me and that she thinks i'm attractive and a nice guy."

    The girl said this to you, thinking you had a girlfriend? Being interested in dating you despite you having a girlfriend (imaginary though she is), is a flag.
    Natural attraction is supposed to dissipate just like that? All it says is that she's straightforward. Besides, it didn't sound like she was exactly throwing herself at him; maybe she just really likes him.

    Also, it's odd her mother and father were in a bar with her right? And that they're talking to people for her?
    Yeah that is a little odd, might signal that something is off if this is a regular occurrance, but it's also possible they just decided to go out once together and it was just a coincidence. Keep the eyes open, I guess.

    She might have some issues because of that, such as being open to dating guys w/ girlfriends. So just FYI. People who are willing to cheat w/ others may also be willing to cheat on you. Just keep in mind.
    I don't even want to get into what a heinously presumptuous half-deduction this is.

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    "Her daughter told me that she really enjoyed talking to me and that she thinks i'm attractive and a nice guy."
    Yeah, but saying that doesn't necessarily imply she expects him to cheat on his girlfriend. He already knows she was interested in him from the beginning of the conversation, so telling him she enjoyed talking to him doesn't mean all that much. I'd consider it just a compliment. Nothing wrong with liking.

    Being at a bar with her parents - I don't think that's odd in Europe. Cyclops may correct me if I'm wrong. Bars don't have the same social scene or connotations there that they do here. It depends on the bar, of course. But I remember seeing even little kids at neighborhood bars with their parents.
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    ESTj or extraverted men are more likely to go to the pub and among women are Extraverts and ISFp's.

    You'll hardly find ESFj's at t a pub (in any regular time), same with INTp's, and other types.

    So yes, it is somewhat type related.

    She want's emotional affirmation that you're not seeing anyone. If you're not then just tell her simply "I am not seeing anyone." Then see what her reaction will be. Approach it by being honest. If she asks you, "well why did you tell my mom...."; you can tell her by joking, in a coy way that "I thought she was hitting on me, and I did not want to be rude in leading her on."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa33 View Post
    It's ESTj's more then ISTp's that like going to pub's from time to time.

    She want's emotional affirmation that you're not seeing anyone. If you're not then just tell her simply "I am not seeing anyone." Then see what her reaction will be. Approach it by being honest.
    going to pubs is not type-related.
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    yeah right. If a guy is "taken" (has a gf, married, etc.) then it's totally acceptable for a woman to flirt with him, have someone tell him she likes him, say he's attractive, nice, a good catch, whatever. Why not? It's just a "compliment." Um, yeah. That makes no sense.

    A compliment from someone's grandmother, sure. "What a nice young man you are!" But from a woman who has just sent someone over to hit on a man? No way. That's absurd to think that's "harmless."

    And married or not doesn't matter. In a relationship is being with someone and saying you won't cheat.

    Maybe he'll find the new girl more attractive than his wife/gif. Then they can get a divorce or he'll dump the girlfriend for her. What's the problem with that? Or maybe they can just cheat together. No problem with that either, right?

    I find it funny so odd that many people here just agreed with the above. Get some ethics people.
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    well the other possibility regarding the flirtation is:
    1) the mom didn't tell the girl what cyclops said about being taken, and/or
    2) the girl knows he's single because she's seen him there a number of times before all alone and acting like he's single.

    what I'm surprised about is that the mom, with the knowledge of him being taken, still went ahead and introduced him to her daughter.
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    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    yeah right. If a guy is "taken" (has a gf, married, etc.) then it's totally acceptable for a woman to flirt with him, have someone tell him she likes him, say he's attractive, nice, a good catch, whatever. Why not? It's just a "compliment." Um, yeah. That makes no sense.

    A compliment from someone's grandmother, sure. "What a nice young man you are!" But from a woman who has just sent someone over to hit on a man? No way. That's absurd to think that's "harmless."

    And married or not doesn't matter. In a relationship is being with someone and saying you won't cheat.

    Maybe he'll find the new girl more attractive than his wife/gif. Then they can get a divorce or he'll dump the girlfriend for her. What's the problem with that? Or maybe they can just cheat together. No problem with that either, right?

    I find it funny so odd that many people here just agreed with the above. Get some ethics people.
    there is no cheating going on! they're just talking?? flirting does not equal cheating, nor does it necessarily lead to cheating.

    is this... overactive Fi? I feel you're jumping to all sorts of conclusions that aren't there. How is my position unethical?
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    Look, a stunning girl you get along well with? You owe it to yourself to let her know how you feel if you'd be up for going out on a date at least.

    Not telling her doesn't help anybody, and it certainly doesn't help you. Best not to linger on taking opportunities like this, imo.
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    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    yeah right. If a guy is "taken" (has a gf, married, etc.) then it's totally acceptable for a woman to flirt with him, have someone tell him she likes him, say he's attractive, nice, a good catch, whatever. Why not? It's just a "compliment." Um, yeah. That makes no sense.

    A compliment from someone's grandmother, sure. "What a nice young man you are!" But from a woman who has just sent someone over to hit on a man? No way. That's absurd to think that's "harmless."

    And married or not doesn't matter. In a relationship is being with someone and saying you won't cheat.

    Maybe he'll find the new girl more attractive than his wife/gif. Then they can get a divorce or he'll dump the girlfriend for her. What's the problem with that? Or maybe they can just cheat together. No problem with that either, right?

    I find it funny so odd that many people here just agreed with the above. Get some ethics people.
    wow, you sound massively insecure

    I dont know where you come from, but all that isnt neccessarily flirting; talk about jumping to conclusions. Sure she may find him attractivee, but thats life. Just because you find someone appealing, you won't compliment them? In having friends, or relationships of any kind, there is a certain degree of attraction that exists. Regardless of whether its explicit or not, there is something, you do compliment these people do you not? Some of them are in relationships, are they not? Its not like you lose self control because you find someone in that way or it has to have sexual/flirtatious implications. It can simply be on a level of appreciation for who the person is. You act like she took out his cock or something.

    Anyway, Cyclops, she wants your bawls man.

    IMO, the other users are right when they say be honest, the key is to just not make it a big deal. Girls do stuff like this all the time, she probably has at some point too. Maybe even that same night. Its really not worth stressing over.

    I will admit that some things here do sound odd as the others have said; I advise to keep a lookout. You know, while your shagging.

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    what I'm surprised about is that the mom, with the knowledge of him being taken, still went ahead and introduced him to her daughter.
    Well, it's also possible that she recognized it was an off-the-cuff defensive response to a question that put him on the spot - perhaps when she saw the look of panic that crossed his face when he thought a 50 year old woman was hitting on him. lol Women say that stuff all the time. She may have known that it was just a brush-off.

    Not being there originally, it's impossible to say what it was because we don't have any of the body language, connotations, context, etc etc etc.

    Get some ethics people.
    I have ethics! I just think that a person can pay someone a respectful compliment vs. a sleazy compliment.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyclops View Post
    OK, in a slight pickle.

    I'd mentioned this to WorkaholicsAnon yesterday.

    I went out on Friday night to my local pub (you may know that ISTp's can tend to like going to bars from time to time).

    Anyway, I was standing at the bar and this woman in her 50's asked me if I was single.

    Nothing against 50 odd year old women, but, I went into sort of "defence" mode if you will, incase she was going to try to have fun with/at me or try to chat me up and I said, "No, i'm seeing somebody". Really just to get her off my case.

    Anyway, it turned out she was actually asking for her daughter. She was out with her partner and her daughter. Apparently her daughter has seen me a few times in the place and has found herself attracted to me, but was too shy to say something about it.

    So, her daughter is stunning imo. I spent some hours talking to them, and got on really well with her daughter. Not only do I find her attractive but I get only EXTREMELY well with her, a really nice person and easy for me to get on with.

    Her daughter told me that she really enjoyed talking to me and that she thinks i'm attractive and a nice guy.

    So, here's the situation, I actually really like her, she likes me, but... she thinks I am SEEING SOMEBODY! UGH!!

    I really didn't know how to overcome that, I mean, what do I say? I thought your mum was trying to fire into me? Ugh, doesn't sound that great at all.

    Although, I suppose I have to say something.

    My friend told me he thinks I should just continue building up rappor with her, but at same time, i'm in an unusual situation of "lying", which i'm not comfortable about for some internal and I think some obvious reasons.

    Usually people lie the opposite way...say they are single when they are not! What a strange situation.

    So, I thought i'd ask you guys, any advice on how you think I should approach this predicament?
    Ha!

    You dope. You are such an ISTp.

    What was Mom thinking, asking her question in such a stupid way? What were you supposed to say?

    Just tell the daughter the truth, tell the Mom that you are not in the habit of picking up women in bars. (bonus points!)
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    tell the Mom that you are not in the habit of picking up women in bars.
    LOL!! Slick! He'll have a halo around his head in no time flat.

    What was Mom thinking, asking her question in such a stupid way?
    Moms get quite bold if they think their kids just need a little help. I think being older gives them some hindsight and rids them of inhibitions. You won't believe what the women I sail with will do. They're crazy. Just last weekend they were howling at these shirtless college guys (crew team) just because they could, and just because it would embarrass them.
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiny_dancer View Post
    LOL!! Slick! He'll have a halo around his head in no time flat.



    Moms get quite bold if they think their kids just need a little help. I think being older gives them some hindsight and rids them of inhibitions. You won't believe what the women I sail with will do. They're crazy. Just last weekend they were howling at these shirtless college guys (crew team) just because they could, and just because it would embarrass them.
    You know the old saying, "Youth is wasted on the young."
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    Yes, and I think they are trying to reinforce the point with me.
    IEE

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post
    You know the old saying, "Youth is wasted on the young."
    so true...
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  30. #30
    Creepy-Cyclops

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    There has been some really good replies here, thanks people!

    Yeah, I suppose i'm somewhat nervous because there was so many things with her that 'clicked' for me.

    I thought about answering individual posts, but there's been so many cool ones! Maybe I could touch on some of them.

    Kinda re the bar thing, this:

    Quote Originally Posted by tiny_dancer
    Being at a bar with her parents - I don't think that's odd in Europe. Cyclops may correct me if I'm wrong. Bars don't have the same social scene or connotations there that they do here. It depends on the bar, of course. But I remember seeing even little kids at neighborhood bars with their parents.
    Is pretty true.

    The bar I was in a was a local - like a local UK pub, 5 minutes walk from where I stay, not in the city where it could be a little different.

    It's not unusual to see families going out in this sort of place, in some ways a local pub here can be a focal point for communities, families, that sort of thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by tiny_dancer
    Moms get quite bold if they think their kids just need a little help. I think being older gives them some hindsight and rids them of inhibitions. You won't believe what the women I sail with will do. They're crazy. Just last weekend they were howling at these shirtless college guys (crew team) just because they could, and just because it would embarrass them.
    My interpretation was that her mum was just "brass necking it", possible even embarrassing her daughter a little.

    On a personal note, maybe this sounds daft, but I thought it was cool that she'd went out with her mum and her mums partner that night, what I also noticed was that she was good at making sure everyone felt involved, thinking of others feelings, but in a more low key way (call that F, call that Fi, or just call it a considerate person). Sure I don't want someones mum hanging off my coat tail, lol, but at same time it was nice to see someone who (to me) was good at bonding of people. Sometimes my family can be a bit diverse so it's nice to see someone who can bring cohesion in such a way.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ryu View Post
    Look, a stunning girl you get along well with? You owe it to yourself to let her know how you feel if you'd be up for going out on a date at least.

    Not telling her doesn't help anybody, and it certainly doesn't help you. Best not to linger on taking opportunities like this, imo.
    Haha, so true.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post
    Ha!

    You dope. You are such an ISTp.

    What was Mom thinking, asking her question in such a stupid way? What were you supposed to say?

    Just tell the daughter the truth, tell the Mom that you are not in the habit of picking up women in bars. (bonus points!)
    lol, slick indeed.

    Quote Originally Posted by jewels
    She might have some issues because of that, such as being open to dating guys w/ girlfriends. So just FYI. People who are willing to cheat w/ others may also be willing to cheat on you. Just keep in mind.
    Well, maybe, but I did continue to talk to them for most of the night, so it takes 2 to tango, and as to what she said, it was nice to be complimented by someone who I had respect for from a physical point of view and a personal point of view (at least from what i'd seen). Other side of the coin is I wouldn't have engaged conversation, so i'm not entirely sure it plays out in black and white, hmmm, maybe you're right, i'll think about it some more.

    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    why is it bad to tell someone those nice things, even if they're seeing someone else? I don't think it necessarily means she's willing to cheat! Sounds to me like she was just being honest. I mean, Cyclops isn't married. So if things were to not work out with his imaginary girlfriend, he might start seeing this real girl.
    It's nice to be complimented.

    This may amuse some people, a few weeks ago I was out and a couple of girls were standing next to me and my friend and one of them just said to me out of the blue, "hey, you're really good looking". Now - this isn't to blow my own trumpet, because, I just think i'm ordinary, but it's nice to be complimented. What's maybe amusing about that is I don't often know how to respond, sometimes kinda stumble like, I dunno, that guy Giles from Buffy the vampire slayer? Anyway, I suppose I haven't picked up quite as many opportunities in my life as I should have, but, personality is personality, I suppose.

    Others, Gilly, Jarno, FDG and the rest, pretty much agree overall and good posts, thanks.

    Hmmm, strange how i'm so excited, hehe.

    But, seems we maybe have an ethical debate on our hands too!

  31. #31
    UDP's Avatar
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    28 posts from people outside the situation, 2 posts from the person in it.
    We sure like giving our advice about relationships, don't we.

    hmm hmm hmm
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Breaking stereotypes Suz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ryu View Post
    28 posts from people outside the situation, 2 posts from the person in it.
    We sure like giving our advice about relationships, don't we.

    hmm hmm hmm
    very true lol! And the IEIs chimed in too!
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    28 posts from people outside the situation, 2 posts from the person in it.
    We sure like giving our advice about relationships, don't we.
    It's really just because we're bored out of our minds.
    IEE

  34. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    yeah right. If a guy is "taken" (has a gf, married, etc.) then it's totally acceptable for a woman to flirt with him, have someone tell him she likes him, say he's attractive, nice, a good catch, whatever. Why not? It's just a "compliment." Um, yeah. That makes no sense.

    A compliment from someone's grandmother, sure. "What a nice young man you are!" But from a woman who has just sent someone over to hit on a man? No way. That's absurd to think that's "harmless."

    And married or not doesn't matter. In a relationship is being with someone and saying you won't cheat.

    Maybe he'll find the new girl more attractive than his wife/gif. Then they can get a divorce or he'll dump the girlfriend for her. What's the problem with that? Or maybe they can just cheat together. No problem with that either, right?

    I find it funny so odd that many people here just agreed with the above. Get some ethics people.
    you better get yourself into shape.

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VixenDogFox View Post
    I agree with the first option above.

    Or if you really want to tell the truth, you could tell it but precede it with an ingratiating, "I have something really embarrassing to admit, but..."

    It'll be fine!-- As long as you are apologetic and have a sense of humor about it.
    me too, first one is honest

  36. #36
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    Are you sure they are not Jehova Witnesses trying to hook you up? I've seen something similar...
    [] | NP | 3[6w5]8 so/sp | Type thread | My typing of forum members | Johari (Strengths) | Nohari (Weaknesses)

    You know what? You're an individual, and that makes people nervous. And it's gonna keep making people nervous for the rest of your life.
    - Ole Golly from Harriet, the spy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mikemex View Post
    Are you sure they are not Jehova Witnesses trying to hook you up? I've seen something similar...
    OHHHH, good point!!!

    It all does kinda seem weird. . .

    Cyclops be careful!
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    Are you guys crazy? Yeah, okay, maybe JW recruiting is possible, but I think that's, like, a 1% chance. Out of all the times in the world that two attractive people are introduced because one has a crush on another, how many are JW recruiting? I think you guys need to kick in the 'ol Ni.
    IEE

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    Quote Originally Posted by tiny_dancer View Post
    Are you guys crazy? Yeah, okay, maybe JW recruiting is possible, but I think that's, like, a 1% chance. Out of all the times in the world that two attractive people are introduced because one has a crush on another, how many are JW recruiting? I think you guys need to kick in the 'ol Ni.
    seriously...
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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