How to kill your own ego.
Pain. Lots of it. Question the thing you hold dear, what you think will make you happy upon the having of it. And make it go away, convince yourself you can't have it, you'll never make it.
Searching for something tough, sharp to burn my throat again. Just like he did last time. Wanting to be fucked, the words fucked out of me. Want to feel something that only tragedy can bring.
I am released from your pain, and I can sense it, quite clearly- that you are alone every time you think, and you are not- every time you interact, and form relationships. And the ego, is what is causing you to stay stuck. The bridge inbetween of ego-dream sleep and awakening is in flux, one minute 'you're there' the next you're not, the ego is winning.
DEATH OF EGO.
Ego dream sleep. You are asleep and you don't even know it, but when you attack the ego directly it morphs into your own thoughts, what you think is 'good true self' thoughts and ego thoughts, is all meaningless. It is all ego, and it is all- destructive.
But is it really? I've had ego thoughts and they were right, you think. That is all part of the World's Greatest Illusion. Just like an abusive boyfriend, if the ego didn't occasionally make you think it was on to something, then it surely would die for good.
Thinking about something, or what you want something or someone to be (opposed to accepting as it is, though that is not to imply that 'how things are' are how they are ought to be, a change could occur but from the ego- what change is there?) is another egoic projection. People can't be themselves, and you can't be you- you can only be a projection or a hologram.
EGO IS AWFUL. The ego just agreed with you that it is awful it is still there, in fact you used EGO to say the EGO was awful. And you get rid of it, and it will go away, only to quietly sneak up again.
So you don't know what you are thinking, you don't know what you are talking about, nobody does. We can objectively observe something and have things structured and orderly and have it 'feel all right, to everybody' but you know that's a lie, that when you go back to sleep at night you'll have that dream again where you're climbing and gasping for breath and you don't know where you are and you can't escape, and also when you fly with your soulmate, the kind you were told doesn't exist, it's just a fairytale. No matter how you morph and 'be real' and behave in a fashion , to be suited- for outside reality, these many deep layers of subjectivity and emotion will haunt their way back again in your life, like saturday television and well- what are you going to do about it? Do you think anybody really has free will in this insane, crazy fucked up life?
The problem of objectivity is that you are confident when you are objective, because- your inner nature, and how transient and elusive and....destructive it is, pure magic of changing purple cords SNAP just like that. NOT NOW MOMMY JIMMY IS MASTURBATING- those things, right there --
I am using my ego to fight with the ego to talk about the ego, to stop the ego- but the ego is always here, all around us, and it's sinking me in this quicksand, and I never know when it's going to let up. When it does, great. But I never figured out, yet how to- make it go away, much good on my own. Because when I have an idea to make it better it's just another EGO idea, and it leads me to the same place I was before.
So what have we figured out here? Ego is stasis, to yourself - staying to yourself is stasis, and it is 'stuck' you think you 'figured it out' but you're dead and alone, you only energize people (and feel energized) once you figure the world out, and that's sad because we want it to be the opposite. If only I understood this ME that is inside here, then everything would be okay but it's nothing more than a whirr vehicle underbelly to push you to go OUT THERE, because IN HERE- deep as you can go, is too painful.
Or is it? Cause after all that idea right there was just another confliction of sorts, cause it could be true. 'depending on the circumstance' what circumstance? I have to do a lot of tests! Be aware, now - when you are playing the victim but also know when you are rescuing.
So the ego is a trick. A really mean cruel trick those straight frat boys play on somebody with the tiniest smudge of introversion. God, Dolphin I love her so much. And it feels good to love that 'other' but I know there is no TRUE OTHER. No true outside object, I know that we are THE SAME MIND- all communicating in heaven, in akliash, in whoeverknows where, saying 'hi' and making connections based on raw pure shiny neon ideas when we feel like it. Like comets whizzing by. and they clash and collide and sometimes they even create new planets and civilizations, it *should be* fascinating. But we want even more still.
And I guess here is the turning point, where thoughts fade into emotion and you have begun to ascend to a different level of sphere. Maybe it's just a lie you're telling yourself so you won't have to exercise today but whatever, the point is YOU ARE HERE. And it feels, it simply 'feels' to be here. And you realize that simply feeling for now, is at least- a curtain shade away from maya, but there's a long way to go.