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Thread: The 5 Languages of Love

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    Default The 5 Languages of Love

    I checked out this idea based on the recommendation of a friend. I was wondering if/how it's type related (I'm guessing it is).

    The 5 areas are:

    Words of Affirmation
    Quality Time
    Receiving Gifts
    Acts of Service
    Physical Touch

    Take a quiz:

    Edified.org :: The Five Love Languages
    Love Languages Test

    Which do you need from others? Which are you most inclined to give or best at giving? Which areas are you worst at or least inclined to be attentive to?

    Which types would be best and worst at which areas? Which types need which areas?
    SEE-Se, 852 sx/so

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    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
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    I like Quality Time the most, Physical Touch second. The others are nice too. I'm most inclined to give acts of service, then quality time, then gifts, then touch, then words. Words are necessary for basic communication of love, but if repeated often they just get annoying.

    Words of Affirmation:
    Quality Time:
    Receiving Gifts:
    Acts of Service:
    Physical Touch:
    Last edited by Director Abbie; 02-08-2010 at 08:56 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    My highest quiz results (tied) were Quality Time and Physical Touch. My lowest was definitely Receiving Gifts. (If there's something I want, I can get it for myself.)

    The one I suck the most at is Words of Affirmation. All of the other ones are pretty easy for me. (I suppose the Quality Time one would depend entirely on the person. It has to be someone I enjoy spending time with, obviously.)
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    Acts
    Physical touch
    Time
    Words
    Gifts

    Great way to tell dual seeking...acts which is want of and physical sensation

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    I like Quality Time the most, Physical Touch second. The others are nice too.

    Words of Affirmation:
    Quality Time:
    Receiving Gifts:
    Acts of Service:
    Physical Touch:

    Wouldn't quality of time be

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    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa33 View Post
    Wouldn't quality of time be
    No. is time, but quality time is more about being with a person just for the sake of being with them. .

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    I like Quality Time the most, Physical Touch second. The others are nice too.

    Words of Affirmation:
    Quality Time:
    Receiving Gifts:
    Acts of Service:
    Physical Touch:
    For the giver:

    I think Words of Affirmation could be Fi as well as Fe, though generally they probably are more related to Fe. I think there might be a degree of Positivity (dichotomy) there, too.

    Quality time depends entirely on the types involved and what they're doing. Different types of activities focus on different information elements.

    Receiving (or rather, giving) gifts could be related to Se and Si, and to some extent Fi and Fe (depending on how much thought is given to the gift and what the giver was trying to accomplish).

    Acts of Service: Si, Te, and to a lesser extent Se. (I think sensory types and to some extent logical types are probably more likely to do this sort of thing.) This is primarily a Si (care giving) thing though.

    Physical Touch: Si and/or Fe


    What about enneagram stackings? I could see quality time being related to sx and acts of service being related to sp.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    No. is time, but quality time is more about being with a person just for the sake of being with them. .
    They should expand the test and make specific qualities of like quality of money, quality of gifts...that's really interesting idea.

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    My ESE husband's big one is acts of service which I have no use for.

    I think mine is quality time. Receiving gifts is a good one too but not if there are strings attached or if it's designed to make me feel guilty. There's nothing better than heartfelt passionate gift-giving! Physical touch is also important but annoying if the other person needs it constantly.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    What about enneagram stackings? I could see quality time being related to sx and acts of service being related to sp.
    Good point; I never considered that. The list I gave is a couple years old. Brilliand and I put it together for an EII-Ne friend of mine.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    The more I think about it, the more I think that gift giving is probably my top form of expressing affection/love. The quality time is because I want it, not because I want to express love. The physical touch stuff is closer to mutual, but it is definitely more about me than the other person.

    I can't really explain how properly, but I think it's a Se thing for me? The fact that I'm willing (or even eager) to spend money on them is proof of my affection. I definitely wouldn't enjoy giving people free things as much as I do giving them stuff I bought. (It's like... giving them something that's free is more of an act of service than a gift. If it's free it almost feels sort of creepy tbh, especially if it required a lot of time, creativity, or effort to make.) Generally I'd rather that it didn't cost much because if it's expensive then I wonder if I'm being weird or if I'm at a disadvantage in the relationship. Large gifts are okay on special occasions (such as Birthdays, Holidays, or as a celebration of an accomplishment), but random "because I wanted to do something to make you happy or show you that I care about you" gifts should be inexpensive yet frequent.

    Also, it usually has to be something that I know that they'll like because they've explicitly stated their like or desire for that item (or a similar item) in the past. Occasionally if I'm feeling adventurous I might buy stuff simply because it reminded me of them or because I thought they might like it, but generally speaking I prefer to stick to sure-fire hits.

    As I said before though, I'm not really a huge fan of getting gifts. If there's something I want, I can buy it for myself. I'm actually rather uncomfortable with receiving gifts. I always have been, even as a little kid.



    Basically, I like to spoil people with material things (gifts) and expect them to spoil me with their attention (quality time and physical touch).
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    For the giver:

    I think Words of Affirmation could be Fi as well as Fe, though generally they probably are more related to Fe. I think there might be a degree of Positivity (dichotomy) there, too.
    My IEE Mom is a huge words of affirmation person!
    Receiving (or rather, giving) gifts could be related to Se and Si, and to some extent Fi and Fe (depending on how much thought is given to the gift and what the giver was trying to accomplish).
    yeah.
    Acts of Service: Si, Te, and to a lesser extent Se. (I think sensory types and to some extent logical types are probably more likely to do this sort of thing.) This is primarily a Si (care giving) thing though.
    Si and Te, imo.
    Physical Touch: Si and/or Fe
    yeah. maybe Se also though.

    What about enneagram stackings? I could see quality time being related to sx and acts of service being related to sp.
    I can see where you're getting that, but as an sp-first, I have to say that acts of service are the last thing I care about. truly.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    As I said before though, I'm not really a huge fan of getting gifts. If there's something I want, I can buy it for myself. I'm actually rather uncomfortable with receiving gifts. I always have been, even as a little kid.

    Basically, I like to spoil people with material things (gifts) and expect them to spoil me with their attention (quality time and physical touch).
    I think the book is wrong when it says that what your love language is for giving is the same for what your love language is for receiving.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    I think the book is wrong when it says that what your love language is for giving is the same for what your love language is for receiving.
    It says that? I didn't even know that. I would also very much disagree.
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    Heh. My scores reflect my before-test response.

    Quality Time: 10
    Physical Touch: 8
    Recieving Gifts: 4
    Words of Affirmation: 4
    Acts of Service: 4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Joy View Post
    As I said before though, I'm not really a huge fan of getting gifts. If there's something I want, I can buy it for myself. I'm actually rather uncomfortable with receiving gifts. I always have been, even as a little kid.


    Basically, I like to spoil people with material things (gifts) and expect them to spoil me with their attention (quality time and physical touch).
    I agree, though I do expect gifts on special occasions like birthdays, Christmas, and Groundhog's Day.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    I am definitely quality time. That is how I show love, and that is how I like to recieve it. Physical touch is also up there.

    My pastor was talking about these, how it is the greatest act of love to perform your lowest valued love language. His experience with his wife who is acts of service, he didn't find that out until years into the marriage. It hit him, "all this time all she wanted me to do is acts of service for her." She had been upset, restating the same commands over and over again, and him ignoring the love value they brought. He had bought her an expensive gift, and she hadn't opened it in months. It had found its way underneath the couch, and he was confused.

    I think close to all successful relationships are founded upon, in some regard, having different love languages, and getting to know you mate's, and going the extra mile to perform them with quality.

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    Quote Originally Posted by polikujm View Post

    I think close to all successful relationships are founded upon, in some regard, having different love languages, and getting to know you mate's, and going the extra mile to perform them with quality.
    yes if it were only this simple.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Words are indeed simple.

    Some relationships need counselors.

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    Quote Originally Posted by polikujm View Post
    Words are indeed simple.

    Some relationships need counselors.
    been there, done that.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    I meant to say that all of them do, because there is always some level of miscommunication.

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    Touch first, by far, because a physical touch can communicate lots that words can't.

    Maybe I'm just assuming what I think is the socionics position, but I feel like I'm not necessarily in great need of words of affirmation, although I give them freely, although... honestly, at a point, words of affirmation become unnecessary because both parties know how the other feels. Words of affirmation/affection are only valuable if they come from a genuine source/wellspring/moment/etc. Otherwise I think I'd find them hollow/unnecessary.

    Acts of service is bleh. They generally just make me feel bad for not helping. However, here's a departure from socionics, because whereas one would normally associate practical help with Te, every single ESE I know is a practical helper type, even if they pretend not to be, pretend to be surly about it, whatever. They're all practical helpers. Of course, it may have to do with the fact that many ESEs are enneagram 2s as well. Also, I've both known LIIs to greatly appreciate practical assistance and heard reports of the same.

    Receiving gifts actually doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. My mom's almost certainly SLI boyfriend is full of gift giving, however.

    I do care quite a lot about "quality time," but it's not so much even quality time as time period. To me it's cool if we're just in the same room, sort of that "alone together" thing.

    I don't think these really correlate to socionics; I think how one goes about fulfilling these needs/expressing the "love languages" has more to do with socionics.
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

    Yes 'a ma'am that's pretty music...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    Words of Affirmation:
    Quality Time:
    Receiving Gifts:
    Acts of Service:
    Physical Touch:
    .

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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    I really shouldn't speak as I lack experience, but it really comes to compassion and compromise. I don't believe in relationships working or coming together just because two people think they love each other, especially if reality brings them to cast aside compassion and cooperation...and communication. People who believe love conquers all may be right in that it motivates, but without the tangible effort, it won't make things go very far. Hence why I am VERY careful with who I plan on investing myself with.

    I also think socionics has a lot to do with it. I may sound narrow-minded, but I can't see it as worth the effort with someone who wasn't my dual, simply because I just can't see it working otherwise on the long-term without loads of thankless labor which probably would not pay off.
    So true.

    I think it's naive to think that any two people can have a loving, fulfilling marriage. I've actually heard people say that!!
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    So true.

    I think it's naive to think that any two people can have a loving, fulfilling marriage. I've actually heard people say that!!
    so it must be true

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    My ESE husband's big one is acts of service which I have no use for.
    Interesting, I know an ESE who's taken this quiz, and is also "acts of service".

    Mine is "Physical Touch". LIIs, in my experience, tend to emit a "don't touch me" aura, which keeps most people at arms' length or more away. Trusting someone enough to let them into that bubble is a big deal.
    Quaero Veritas.

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    I love love and everything about it is pure dreamy.

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    physical touch and quality time
    words of affirmation
    acts of service
    gift giving

    I honestly don't care about gift giving very much. I tend to feel kind of guilty sometimes when others give me gifts, though I guess sometimes I don't... I'm not saying "no gifts, ever" or anything and I do like gifts when they really mean something. I give gifts at the obligatory times, of course, but really I only try to give things that I think are meaningful/personal or will at least be useful (a lot of this stems from my internal revolt against materialism). I give things sometimes... so there really isn't anything set here, and sometimes I may suddenly go out of my usual behavior without warning, but in general... this is a very minimal focus.

    Acts of service would also make me feel rather guilty in that I'm not helping and someone else is doing everything for me. And we can't really spend any quality time together if the other person is always doing some service thing. Generally I would not be happy with one of those marriages where the spouse is always doing things for me but yet is strangely never there (as that's how it rather feels). But I do appreciate when people do things for me sometimes of course as sometimes I am very overwhelmed by doing things... but I usually want fairness... one person shouldn't be some kind of housework slave, that's horrible. And often a lot of things don't even need to be done so really there can even be minimal doing. I probably like getting things done together the best because it helps motivate me to actually do something (i.e. my fair share). As a side note, I pretty much don't give acts of service and I may feel guilty for not doing anything. I just chronically don't do anything.

    I think too many words of affirmation might start feeling really smothering, but sincere conversations are really important to me and I generally consider it a part of quality time. I like to listen and be listened to. If someone gives me too many compliments or affirmations I think it might start feeling really, really weird, creepy or condescending. It really depends on the context I guess as I'm imagining different things while I'm writing that and it really is very context dependent to the extent that I'm really not sure at all. I probably tend away from giving words of affirmation myself but I will try to if I want to say something, it's just that I may not sound convincing because I feel so uncomfortable trying to. So it helps if the other person knows me and doesn't misinterpret me if I don't sound convincing because if I'm trying that hard to say it, then yes, I really mean it.

    What I probably give the most is quality time... time is something I can give and when others can give it as well that means that really do care about me. If I'm giving quality time it means that the other person is important to me because I wouldn't be doing so otherwise (my time is most precious to me). That said, I can be wonderful at not following up with people, and that doesn't mean they aren't important to me, just that I didn't do anything. Usually the time I give was initiated by someone else (but that I went along with it probably means they're important to me). Physical touch is the other one that tells me they really do care about or want me (though admittedly I don't feel very confident with touch). Without both of these two I won't really be sure they actually do care or things will simply feel really distant and I would actually rather not bother with the heartache.
    Last edited by inumbra; 02-09-2010 at 02:08 AM.

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    'I feel closer to you when you touch me often.' as opposed to 'I like talking'
    A very complicated and intricate series of questions they have there...

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    I can answer this without even taking the quiz.
    1: physical touch
    2: quality time
    3: words of affirmation
    4: acts of service
    5: receiving gifts
    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    been there, done that.
    I always snap on ESEs.. i'm like a rabid dog towards them. Really tear into them.. all the time. It's downright abusive. Hopefully you don't have the same problem I do.
    Last edited by crazedrat; 02-09-2010 at 04:52 AM.
    INTp

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    I would say:

    Words of Affirmation
    Quality Time
    Physical Touch
    Acts of Service
    Receiving Gifts

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krig the Viking View Post
    [...] LIIs, in my experience, tend to emit a "don't touch me" aura, which keeps most people at arms' length or more away. Trusting someone enough to let them into that bubble is a big deal.
    Plus at least one EII.
    Ceci n'est pas une eii.




  33. #33
    aka Slacker Slacker's Avatar
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    I want most acts of service, which is what I get most so that's for the best.

    I think I give most words of affirmation and quality time.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

  34. #34

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    I got
    Quality Time
    Physical Touch
    Acts of Service
    Receiving Gifts
    Words of Affirmation

    I think the ones I do the most are words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time... but I also do the other two as well.
    IEE

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    Quote Originally Posted by crazedratXII View Post
    I always snap on ESEs.. i'm like a rabid dog towards them. Really tear into them.. all the time. It's downright abusive. Hopefully you don't have the same problem I do.
    It's not that bad. I'm just checked out, basically. Can't do it anymore.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

  36. #36
    take a second of me sarinana's Avatar
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    my highest:
    8 QualityTime,
    7 Gifts,
    7 ActsOfService
    5 WordsOfAffirmation,
    3 PhysicalTouch!

  37. #37
    The Looks stanprollyright's Avatar
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    Quality Time 11
    Physical Touch 8
    Acts of Service 5
    Words of Affirmation 5
    Receiving Gifts 1
    Stan is not my real name.

  38. #38
    Glorious Member mu4's Avatar
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    Physical Touch: 12
    Acts of Service: 7
    Words of Affirmation: 5
    Receiving Gifts: 3
    Quality Time: 3

    I would say almost all acts of services that I enjoy from others relates to Si.

  39. #39
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    Needing quality time + enjoying gift giving = taking someone out being perfect.
    SEE-Se, 852 sx/so

    Check out my Socionics group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/1546362349012193/

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    Words of Affirmation 1

    Quality Time 8

    Receiving Gifts 4

    Acts of Service 11

    Physical Touch 6

    Strangely, I thought I would get words of affirmation and gifts higher on the list.

    But it's true that the acts of service thing I guess seems more important to me.

    I can't think of good examples though of acts of service. Does anyone have any? Is it always like taking out the trash? I'm trying to think of think of things my bf has done.
    Hi! I'm an ENFP. :-)

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