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Thread: a shoulder to cry on

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    redbaron's Avatar
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    Default a shoulder to cry on

    What's the best intertype relation to turn to if you need a shoulder to cry on? Identical? Dual? What if neither of those are available?
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Anyone who's kind enough, in my case who is knowledgeable and can help me, preferably someone in your quadra. From my experience, an Fe type has always had a harder time supporting me, because they're more socially scattered.

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    Any type will do I suppose, so long as the psychological closeness is there.

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    My EII best friend understands me better than anyone in that sense, maybe because we have some of the same issues. She doesn't judge me for all my internal insecurities. If I need someone to pull me out of my head, my SLI and SEE friends do that admirably. SLIs are usually good at countering my negative, self-defeating arguments against why I shouldn't do something. My SEI sister is a really amazing listener as well.
    IEE

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    Quote Originally Posted by tiny_dancer View Post
    SLIs are usually good at countering my negative, self-defeating arguments against why I shouldn't do something.
    I completely related to this. It's amazing how negative us IEEs can be, for supposedly being so positive right? lol.

    And I agree that anyone with good listening skills would be good. People who use the "active listening" thing. I'd prefer someone who can do that over just a type.
    Hi! I'm an ENFP. :-)

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    Darn Socks Director Abbie's Avatar
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    I'd say dual, but that may just be because my dual is the EII. IEIs, good luck crying on an SLE's shoulder.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    I'd say dual, but that may just be because my dual is the EII. IEIs, good luck crying on an SLE's shoulder.
    ACTUALLY my SLE sister-in-law would be great for this. But she lives pretty far from me.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    ACTUALLY my SLE sister-in-law would be great for this. But she lives pretty far from me.
    Maybe it's a female thing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    I have an LII friend (not Isha) who I can talk to about a reasonable amount of things that get me down. Then there's obviously Isha and Akra. Conclusion: not type related. Why can I talk about more things with one LII over another? Because I'm closer to one than the other.

    EDIT

    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    Maybe it's a female thing.
    I think so. If it isn't random banter (which I'm going to engage in with friends, contacts, associates and acquaintances of either gender), I'll be talking to one of my male friends for advice or to figure something out, or one of my female friends to talk about stuff (though it isn't entirely clear cut; I think F/T has its influence here).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coolanzon View Post
    I have an LII friend (not Isha) who I can talk to about a reasonable amount of things that get me down. Then there's obviously Isha and Akra. Conclusion: not type related. Why can I talk about more things with one LII over another? Because I'm closer to one than the other.
    yeah I thought about that too. I guess it's obvious!
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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    What's the best intertype relation to turn to if you need a shoulder to cry on? Identical? Dual? What if neither of those are available?
    Sounds like someone needs a hug...

    I'm too much of a softy, the type that gets teary seeing other people cry, especially close ones.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
    Sounds like someone needs a hug...

    I'm too much of a softy, the type that gets teary seeing other people cry, especially close ones.
    yeah, no *I* want to be the one to cry. If the other person cries, that doesn't help any! LOL And actually I guess therein lies the problem: I can't cry in front of anyone I don't feel really really close to. That makes the pool, um, practically non-existent.

    Moral of the story: cultivate friendships close enough that you'll have a shoulder to cry on in times of distress. that sounds kinda beta-ish doesn't it. using friends for my own needs.... hmm.

    (thanks for the hug)
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    Quote Originally Posted by glamourama View Post
    nah my SLE brother cares when i'm feeling down... asks me what's wrong, gives me hugs, tries to comfort me (with practical advice), etc.
    lucky!
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    I agree with Glam. SLE's are actually really great when it comes to cheering me up.
    Quote Originally Posted by jxrtes View Post
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall View Post
    I agree with Glam. SLE's are actually really great when it comes to cheering me up.
    Wonder what the worst type is. LSEs? If I need to cheer someone up, it's easiest to pretend nothing's wrong and be cheerful.

    ESTj
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    yeah, no *I* want to be the one to cry. If the other person cries, that doesn't help any! LOL And actually I guess therein lies the problem: I can't cry in front of anyone I don't feel really really close to. That makes the pool, um, practically non-existent.

    Moral of the story: cultivate friendships close enough that you'll have a shoulder to cry on in times of distress. that sounds kinda beta-ish doesn't it. using friends for my own needs.... hmm.

    (thanks for the hug)
    That's not beta-ish, that's everyone-ish (can't speak for everybody though). It's really hard to find friends like that... I've been realizing how it is to even have close friends. And, you're welcome btw .

    @Director Abbie: I don't think LSE is the worst (not implying ranking here). I would assume that E5s aren't that good at it, or would be uncomfortable by it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    Wonder what the worst type is. LSEs? If I need to cheer someone up, it's easiest to pretend nothing's wrong and be cheerful.
    That is most unsatisfactory, personally speaking. In fact, I am slightly disturbed.
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    I think for me it might be EII. I understand there are quadra differences when it comes to operating or seeing the world. But I do think EII are natural born counselor; they understand empathy well, if you confront them with a problem they handle it different than an EIE or beta NF or other Fe type would. I guess I am trying to describe how Fi+NE work. like you can put the categories EII as natural counselors similar to SLE as a natural Leaders, EIE as teachers or ILE as scientists.
    (D)IEE~FI-(C)SLE~Ni E-5w4(Sp/Sx)/7w8(So/Sp)/9w1(sp/sx)

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Greeter View Post
    That is most unsatisfactory, personally speaking. In fact, I am slightly disturbed.
    I had an LSE friend who did that when I going through a sort of emo/"life sucks" stage in college (one of those embarrassing moments of life, hehe). It really didn't help at all, but I don't take it against him, because it might have been just fear-based that he would try to ignore the situation. I've realized that in duality, there are going to be things that will be up to you to handle alone, and you can't rely on the other person for guidance.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
    I had an LSE friend who did that when I going through a sort of emo/"life sucks" stage in college (one of those embarrassing moments of life, hehe). It really didn't help at all, but I don't take it against him, because it might have been just fear-based that he would try to ignore the situation. I've realized that in duality, there are going to be things that will be up to you to handle alone, and you can't rely on the other person for guidance.
    this is a good point! because the things that are your areas of expertise (so to speak) in duality, are really hard for the other person to deal with since they're weak in those areas. For example, an ethical struggling with feelings, the dual may be able to distract or make you laugh or provide some other form of comforting, but might not really be able to address the feelings per se.

    yet sometimes making you laugh might be exactly what you need. sometimes we don't know exactly what it is that we need until we experience it.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    this is a good point! because the things that are your areas of expertise (so to speak) in duality, are really hard for the other person to deal with since they're weak in those areas. For example, an ethical struggling with feelings, the dual may be able to distract or make you laugh or provide some other form of comforting, but might not really be able to address the feelings per se.

    yet sometimes making you laugh might be exactly what you need. sometimes we don't know exactly what it is that we need until we experience it.
    Yeah, that's what I was going for. Duality is great and all, but there is a certain amount of "mental loneliness" too that people don't talk about.

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    Redbaron, i didn't see this thread until now!
    Hang in there. . .you know you always have a pair of sympathetic eyes here if you want to chat or PM about it. . .
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