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Thread: holding a grudge: is this type related?

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    Default holding a grudge: is this type related?

    is this type-related? state your type and whether or not you feel like you hold grudges and who you know who does or doesn't.

    I'm IEI and never hold grudges. That's not to say I don't remember things but I tend to not let stuff bother me. The SEIs I know are the same, as are the other IEIs I know. Maybe it's the Ip temperament tendency to be easy going?
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Sauron, The Great Enemy ArchonAlarion's Avatar
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    I don't hold grudges, so much as I keep track of all those times I was right and you were wrong (or vice versa rarely).
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    Creepy-male

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    I hold grudges and then get distracted and forget about them. I think the grudge-forming is lessening with age, though.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coolanzon View Post
    I hold grudges and then get distracted and forget about them. I think the grudge-forming is lessening with age, though.
    cute!
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Creepy-male

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    cute!
    Even my spite is cute now

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    Not type related, I have an IEI male friend and he holds grudges. Unlike you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ArchonAlarion View Post
    I don't hold grudges, so much as I keep track of all those times I was right and you were wrong (or vice versa rarely).
    Sort of. I'll hold a grudge for a long time if the person doesn't apologise. I don't seek revenge, though. I just mentally throw the person out of my "nice" group and into my "loser" group.

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    Just to add some info...

    In the book 'speadreading people' it is said that INFP's are capable of holding grudges the longest of all types.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jarno View Post
    Just to add some info...

    In the book 'speadreading people' it is said that INFP's are capable of holding grudges the longest of all types.
    capable maybe. but I just don't do it. Not worth the energy.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    The Soul Happy-er JWC3's Avatar
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    *shrugs* Only one.
    Easy Day

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    Quote Originally Posted by JWC3 View Post
    *shrugs* Only one.
    only one grudge? or you only know one person who holds one?
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    only one grudge? or you only know one person who holds one?
    I only hold one grudge, other than that I usually just stop caring after about a day, usually sooner than that though.
    Easy Day

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    Out of I think 3 that I know pretty well, I know 1 is infamous for his grudges. The others are pretty nice, I've never heard of their grudges.

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    I can hold a grudge for years if it's real; mostly it depends on what it's over.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Hmmm... I don't hold minor grudges at all, but I could imagine myself holding a permanent grudge about something really, really important to me.

    Also, grudge is an extremely weird sounding word. I don't really like it.
    Not a rule, just a trend.

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    I hold grudges...I think it is more of a judging/perceiving thing

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    Holding grudges sounds like Fi. In any case, I don't hold grudges. If I ever ostracize a person it's entirely out of pragmatic considerations.

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    You have to do something REALLY bad for me to form a grudge. My grudges are more like avoidance because of mistrust, but yes, I've held a grudge or two. It was usually against people who have a track-record of doing backstabbing things to myself and others. However, if they somehow prove themselves as better people, I am capable of letting go of that grudge.

    Then, there's the cleaning lady who stole $20 from my wallet at the gym (I know it was her because she's always looking into people's lockers). I currently hold a grudge against her. I also bought a lock for the locker.

    I dont think holding grudges and being a nice person are mutually exclusive. The grudges are consequences of being taken advantage of because of one's niceness.
    Enneagram: 9w1 6w5 2w3 so/sx

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    I don't have them really. Holding a grudge takes more out of me than the other person.

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    I don't tend to hold a grudge, but I have little respect for people who have no respect for me. Respect and courtesy lost is difficult to regain because I'm pretty flexible with it to begin with.
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    I definitely hold grudges. It's not a consuming thing but once you've done your dash with me I'll actively forget you. If you've directly disrespected me I may have the urge to destroy you. I just can't take disrespect. For example one thing I can't stand is people talking about me behind my back. Making a fool out of me (by taking advantage of my misplaced trust) this gets you totally cut off and I have gone to war when people don't back off.

    But the caveat is I'll happily forgive people if they take responsibility and show sacrifice, as I've been in that situation myself and if I'm in the wrong I'll happily fall on my own sword. But not many people do that.

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    LSE told me that they hold grudges but won't say that they do

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    I could be seen as holding grudges. I don't think of them as grudges. But if someone truly wrongs me, I'm prepared to shitlist that person for the rest of my life without ceding an inch. A sincere apology will unravel it, but I've noticed that for serious wrongs, apologies are often less forthcoming than for less important things.

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    i hold grudges so long as i am being provoked. otherwise, i forget within a day.
    salmon

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    I don't hold grudges. I forgive and forget, otherwise if I act like I may be having a grudge it's most likely that I've decided that the person does horrible things and is not a good person so I don't want to talk to them. That's only happened once.

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    I don't believe I hold strong grudges. I did for some in the past. However, that viewpoint changed recently when I realized how much it negatively affected me. I would literally have to wake up every morning, and decide to hate that person for the rest of the day and repeat. See. Now that's too much effort. Not to mention, a waste of energy, especially if it's so strong to hate. Now I refuse to hate anyone. Those people who wronged me taught me something, small or big, directly or indirectly. I'll forgive but will not trust the person from that point on for obvious reasons.

    If I do have a grudge, it's more of an in the moment frustration that will be forgotten or gradually become unimportant as time goes on. An ISTp thing? Probably, most likely, sorta, definitely.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ouronis View Post
    i hold grudges so long as i am being provoked. otherwise, i forget within a day.
    This is mostly true for me, for little things. If someone is a dick to me I will be fine if they change their attitude.

    I always considered myself someone who can let go and forgive easily but lately I am noticing that is not always the case. It is easier to do with people I have not emotionally invested in. The closer the relationship the harder a betrayal is to forgive and forget. I don't think about it obsessively (once I accept it happened) but if something reminds me of it, the feelings well up again. I can shift it but I wonder if I am more of a grudge holder than I even realize.

    I am not an obvious grudge holder like one of my sisters and my mom. They will openly voice their grudges, and have no problem with it since they feel it is justified. I kind of push them beneath the surface and will pretend I am not still upset or hurt, if I have beaten that horse to death already, while trying to sort my feelings. Their way is probably healthier than mine. For some reason this doesn't really apply to people I consider acquaintances since I rarely hold any expectations of an acquaintance to be anything other than they are. I try hard not to have expectations of anyone but it isn't always easy.

    Edit: I don't even know if it is a grudge really. I know I put up a wall once I experience a betrayal. I do not focus on it though unless the person is around and we can't resolve it. Again, this is only people I have extremely close relationships with. It is an issue of trust more than an outright grudge.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aylen View Post
    This is mostly true for me, for little things. If someone is a dick to me I will be fine if they change their attitude.

    I always considered myself someone who can let go and forgive easily but lately I am noticing that is not always the case. It is easier to do with people I have not emotionally invested in. The closer the relationship the harder a betrayal is to forgive and forget. I don't think about it obsessively (once I accept it happened) but if something reminds me of it, the feelings well up again. I can shift it but I wonder if I am more of a grudge holder than I even realize.

    I am not an obvious grudge holder like one of my sisters and my mom. They will openly voice their grudges, and have no problem with it since they feel it is justified. I kind of push them beneath the surface and will pretend I am not still upset or hurt, if I have beaten that horse to death already, while trying to sort my feelings. Their way is probably healthier than mine. For some reason this doesn't really apply to people I consider acquaintances since I rarely hold any expectations of an acquaintance to be anything other than they are. I try hard not to have expectations of anyone but it isn't always easy.

    Edit: I don't even know if it is a grudge really. I know I put up a wall once I experience a betrayal. I do not focus on it though unless the person is around and we can't resolve it. Again, this is only people I have extremely close relationships with. It is an issue of trust more than an outright grudge.
    I think even for big things, I'm able to compartmentalize them if they are an issue that's unlikely to be brought up again. If I am cheated on or something like that where the main facet of the relationship was severed, i will probably be pissed and avoid that person until I was less angry(which would take longer than a day). More than likely, I would not have the chance or desire to really contact them again, anyway. But I have had instances where I can get along with those people as long as I remember what they can and can't do for me and don't let it slip there again. When people can't stop doing what they did is where I tend to stay angry, which I imagine is usual.

    I don't think we have too much control about how we react to these kind of things. I would actually say that holding back your judgement instead of firing forth with your emotions without reassessing the situation is a good thing you're doing.
    salmon

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    Quote Originally Posted by ouronis View Post
    I think even for big things, I'm able to compartmentalize them if they are an issue that's unlikely to be brought up again. If I am cheated on or something like that where the main facet of the relationship was severed, i will probably be pissed and avoid that person until I was less angry(which would take longer than a day). More than likely, I would not have the chance or desire to really contact them again, anyway. But I have had instances where I can get along with those people as long as I remember what they can and can't do for me and don't let it slip there again.
    I get this. I have a VERY short list, tbh. I don't even think about it until something triggers me. I am only triggered if I feel it was unresolved really. I like closure of some type.

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    being actively angry long after the incident occurred versus continuing to dislike someone and not being conciliatory - do they both count as 'grudges?'

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    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    being actively angry long after the incident occurred versus continuing to dislike someone and not being conciliatory - do they both count as 'grudges?'
    I was thinking about this too. I think it only qualifies as a grudge if there is a desire for revenge and I don't usually feel that except maybe in the moments following an act of betrayal. Those moments may stretch out if the person continues doing whatever it was to upset me in the first place but once I distance I am not even thinking about them anymore. I actually do not actively dislike anyone. I have flairs of dislike that pass quickly but as mentioned above, by Mallan, that just drains my energy and has no effect on them.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mallan View Post
    I don't believe I hold strong grudges. I did for some in the past. However, that viewpoint changed recently when I realized how much it negatively affected me. I would literally have to wake up every morning, and decide to hate that person for the rest of the day and repeat. See. Now that's too much effort. Not to mention, a waste of energy, especially if it's so strong to hate. Now I refuse to hate anyone. Those people who wronged me taught me something, small or big, directly or indirectly. I'll forgive but will not trust the person from that point on for obvious reasons.

    If I do have a grudge, it's more of an in the moment frustration that will be forgotten or gradually become unimportant as time goes on. An ISTp thing? Probably, most likely, sorta, definitely.
    I think a grudge has an element of vengeful thought like "I'll get back at him for having done this to me" Delta ST can say that but they are attuned to Humanist qualities and don't really take that seed.

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    All three of the ISFj's that I personally know well are TERRIBLE about holding grudges. I'm talking YEARS of grudges.

    May be a coincidence. May not be.
    And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?- Matthew 6:30

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    I don't hold grudges and don't seek revenge. If someone wrongs me, I figure I was at least partly complicit a lot of the time -- either by being too trusting when I saw or should have seen warning signs, or by acting in a way that made the person think they could take advantage of me. If I determine the person is what I consider a scumbag, I will avoid dealing w them as much as possible in future, and tell them why if needed. Otherwise, I let it go.
    "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is." - Yogi Berra

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    Quote Originally Posted by applejacks View Post
    All three of the ISFj's that I personally know well are TERRIBLE about holding grudges. I'm talking YEARS of grudges.

    May be a coincidence. May not be.
    That might be their strong Fi. I think Strat said something about that in her article on ISFj's. I believe that Fi assigns personal value to things, while Fe assigns group value to things.

    Personally, with weak Fi myself, I don't hold grudges at all. I usually just chalk up differences to misunderstandings, and I usually try to resolve the issue so future interactions can be more harmonious.
    However, if something looks like it can't be fixed, a mental switch flips and the person gets assigned to a "Do not have dealings with this person" category. These internal categories probably belong to Fi, whether it be weak or strong in a person.

    I have wondered if having weak Fi and dealing with people who have stronger Fi is why LIE's are reputed to spend a lot of time traveling, which would give the people with stronger Fi time to sort out minor issues, one way or the other. For his part, the LIE has probably already forgotten small slights (weak Fi value assignments mean most things to a LIE are a matter of indifference) and the LIE is focusing on the next thing.
    Last edited by Adam Strange; 05-05-2016 at 05:30 PM.

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    I've been typed as a Fi IEE. I don't hold grudges at all similar to @sapphire , however I usually attribute ugliness directed at me as people dealing with their own issues / insecurities / problems. And if I truly was worthy of some ugliness, I do my best to clear the air or at least apologize after emotions have settled. Having lingering conflict or a history of unaddressed problems with someone makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe that's also part of my Enneagram 9, too.
    And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you?- Matthew 6:30

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    Quote Originally Posted by applejacks View Post
    I've been typed as a Fi IEE. I don't hold grudges at all similar to @sapphire , however I usually attribute ugliness directed at me as people dealing with their own issues / insecurities / problems. And if I truly was worthy of some ugliness, I do my best to clear the air or at least apologize after emotions have settled. Having lingering conflict or a history of unaddressed problems with someone makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe that's also part of my Enneagram 9, too.
    I am similar, fwiw (enneagram 6 here). I don't mind hashing out disputes, and prefer to get things out in the open rather than leave conflict unaddressed. (And while I prefer to keep it civil on my end, if the other person goes nuts that's fine -- a learning opportunity for me, as like you say in the bolded text above, I figure most of what people say and do has to do w who and where they are personally. If they do go nuts, I will probably lose respect for them, though.)

    That doesn't mean I don't get upset -- despite wishing I were more impassive, I get riled up -- but I don't necessarily take things personally...which is maybe why I see holding grudges as pointless, though I will definitely change how I seek to relate to a person based on their actions.
    "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is." - Yogi Berra

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    Quote Originally Posted by applejacks View Post
    Having lingering conflict or a history of unaddressed problems with someone makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe that's also part of my Enneagram 9, too.
    I wonder if that could have something to do with instinct stacking.

    I'm sx/so, which means I seek safety through strong relationships with individuals, and I value group support after that. And yet, I don't have much trouble parting company from either individuals or groups when our interests no longer coincide.

    And I don't much care if someone doesn't like me, unless that gets in the way of the project. I mean, some people are not going to like me, and vice-versa. That doesn't mean it is personal. (Which sounds strange. Of course it is personal. But it is not retaliation-worthy, or long-consideration-worthy. Focusing on a person's differences interferes with seeing their virtues, which means you might be leaving money on the table (metaphorically speaking, of course).)

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    everyone holds grudges. some just pretend not to.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Satan View Post
    everyone holds grudges. some just pretend not to.
    lol, I like how your name/avatar goes along with your comment.
    ...*wears a garlic necklace* x_x

    My suspicion is that grudge-holding has more to do with childhood traumas (abandonment, betrayal, house instability) and is a type of overreactive defense mechanism, protecting the person from potential harm by retaining distance from those they consider threatening.

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