Breaking up with your dual

[greed]

I just broke it off with a dual. We had some pretty good chemistry, but life got in the way. And so did our circumstances. And our personalities. Mostly it was our personalities.

Sure, she was kind, sensitive, selfless, gentle, and innocent. But it got boring after a while. To me, the biggest issue was her complacency.. at least, as contrasted with my tendency to constantly take in new experiences. Probably in large part due to her upbringing, she seemed afraid of the world. With some success, I sought to teach her that the world wasn't so bad. But still, she was just plain complacent. She didn't want to rock the boat under any circumstances, where I'm not really comfortable with comfortability.

She is the quietest person I have ever known, and she offered virtually no opinions of her own. Our conversations lacked substance; any abstract concepts were met with glazed-over eyes and maybe a nervous nod.

Worst of all, since we couldn't share in new life experiences and she didn't do a whole lot of talking, I couldn't get to know her. That bothered me, immensely.

The result of all of this? The dynamic of our relationship was as if we were stuck at the one-month mark.. for more than ten months. Love alone wasn't enough to keep us together. I catered to her lifestyle for the duration of our relationship while also trying to bring her out into the world, but it absolutely drained me. I didn't feel more psychologically complete; I felt absolutely exhausted.

I denied my own nature, and as a result.. as a friend of mine stated, the relationship was holding me back.

The thing is, despite seeing the value in just sitting back and relaxing at times, I want someone who's going to be able to go out there and share in life's experiences. I want a partner in crime. An equal. I don't want someone who's going to settle down in some zone of comfort and become some docile, subservient housewife. I want to be challenged, and I think my partner should have the right to challenge me.

I was a cat, and she was a dead mouse. Cuddly, soft, and appealing, but absolutely boring after a while.

So, who else has had to break it off with a dual? What exactly was it that drove you apart? Are we just insane for breaking relationships with our duals? How much are we supposed to endure for "inevitable" psychological fulfillment?

[FDG]

Yeah, it happens, not that unusual. I've also had unsuccessful relationships with ESIs for reasons similar to those you mention in your post. Of course, not all duals have the same type of personality (although many of them will react in a similar way to similar experiences), just as not all the people of the same type support the same party etc. so I'm sure you will be able to find a more energetic/active dual girl, if that's what you're looking for.

[crazedrat]

yeah, this is how most dual experiences turn out from what i've seen. socionics glosses over these things..

[jewels]

Well, duality in itself has no guarantees. It just holds the most promise, but the rest depends on each individual.

Yeah, I agree. It's just one category and there are many more layers. It's like, if you want a boyfriend you want a "guy." But being a "guy" isn't enough to make it to "boyfriend." "Guy" is just one category, like "dual" is. Beyond that are the hundreds of other little and big categories that make you decide if someone is interesting to you or not. But of course, those foundational categories need to be there too....human....breathing...gender you're attracted to...dual ------> then you get to character...outlook...similarities...differences.. ..etc, etc, etc...

[Waddlesworth]

I just broke it off with a dual. We had some pretty good chemistry, but life got in the way. And so did our circumstances. And our personalities. Mostly it was our personalities.

Sure, she was kind, sensitive, selfless, gentle, and innocent. But it got boring after a while. To me, the biggest issue was her complacency.. at least, as contrasted with my tendency to constantly take in new experiences. Probably in large part due to her upbringing, she seemed afraid of the world. With some success, I sought to teach her that the world wasn't so bad. But still, she was just plain complacent. She didn't want to rock the boat under any circumstances, where I'm not really comfortable with comfortability.

She is the quietest person I have ever known, and she offered virtually no opinions of her own. Our conversations lacked substance; any abstract concepts were met with glazed-over eyes and maybe a nervous nod.

Worst of all, since we couldn't share in new life experiences and she didn't do a whole lot of talking, I couldn't get to know her. That bothered me, immensely.

The result of all of this? The dynamic of our relationship was as if we were stuck at the one-month mark.. for more than ten months. Love alone wasn't enough to keep us together. I catered to her lifestyle for the duration of our relationship while also trying to bring her out into the world, but it absolutely drained me. I didn't feel more psychologically complete; I felt absolutely exhausted.

I denied my own nature, and as a result.. as a friend of mine stated, the relationship was holding me back.

The thing is, despite seeing the value in just sitting back and relaxing at times, I want someone who's going to be able to go out there and share in life's experiences. I want a partner in crime. An equal. I don't want someone who's going to settle down in some zone of comfort and become some docile, subservient housewife. I want to be challenged, and I think my partner should have the right to challenge me.

I was a cat, and she was a dead mouse. Cuddly, soft, and appealing, but absolutely boring after a while.

So, who else has had to break it off with a dual? What exactly was it that drove you apart? Are we just insane for breaking relationships with our duals? How much are we supposed to endure for "inevitable" psychological fulfillment?

How do you know she was your dual? Did she test as it, or was it by your own evaluation?

[greed]

Yeah.. as others here have hinted too, there are always other factors involved in a dual relationship than descriptions of duality might depict. I wanted to shed some light on what some of those factors might be, from my own perspective, while it's fresh. Part of me is glad to see that this experience is at least somewhat typical..

How do you know she was your dual? Did she test as it, or was it by your own evaluation?

My own evaluation. She was pretty much the definition of SEI, though; it would be much more likely that I'm not ILE than it is that she's not SEI.

[electric sheep]

yeah, this is how most dual experiences turn out from what i've seen. socionics glosses over these things..

The enneagram is the missing piece. I've found I get along better with some enneagram types than I do others.

I can't stand ESFj-2w3s. They just drive me nuts in a short amount of time. ESFj-6w7s are more tolerable, but we frequently argue. My old roommate is one, and we fought all the time. I even picked him based on the fact that he was a ESFj. I got so tired of his crap and I'm glad he had to move. Now ESFj-7w6s--they are hot sex. Almost every girl I have been seriously--I mean really boner inducing--attracted to has been a 7. Some have been IEEs though, so no luck there. Others (more recently) have been ESEs.

Sounds like OP is talking about a ISFp 9w1--pretty standard in terms of ISFps, but not really good for a 3w2. I find 9w1s absolutely boring after a while too--just a dead mouse I'm furiously trying to bring to life. I end up burning myself out. The 9w1 I dated was EII though. I've known ISFp 9w1s too though and nothing ever really happened between us--girls or guys.

[Aiss]

My own evaluation. She was pretty much the definition of SEI, though; it would be much more likely that I'm not ILE than it is that she's not SEI.

How do you recognize a SEI? My friend typed herself as one, and I was actually suspecting she's ILE earlier. I wouldn't dare call her complacent, so I guess it doesn't go into definition of this type, or she's missed it.

[greed]

The enneagram is the missing piece. I've found I get along better with some enneagram types than I do others.

I can't stand ESFj-2w3s. They just drive me nuts in a short amount of time. ESFj-6w7s are more tolerable, but we frequently argue. My old roommate is one, and we fought all the time. I even picked him based on the fact that he was a ESFj. I got so tired of his crap and I'm glad he had to move. Now ESFj-7w6s--they are hot sex. Almost every girl I have been seriously--I mean really boner inducing--attracted to has been a 7. Some have been IEEs though, so no luck there. Others (more recently) have been ESEs.

Sounds like OP is talking about a ISFp 9w1--pretty standard in terms of ISFps, but not really good for a 3w2. I find 9w1s absolutely boring after a while too--just a dead mouse I'm furiously trying to bring to life. I end up burning myself out. The 9w1 I dated was EII though. I've known ISFp 9w1s too though and nothing ever really happened between us--girls or guys.

Wow.. I knew that differences in our personality as per the Enneagram was another side of the equation. But I didn't think that someone would share my experiences pretty much exactly.

Yeah, she's a 9w1. And like you, I'm 3w2.

The last part of our relationship was me trying to get her to be more assertive, because she needed to be for job interviews, standing up to her parents (ugh), establishing herself in this world, and so on. It was almost as if I was trying to force her along her Direction of Integration but started to get dragged down myself in the process. I could just feel her overly-reserved nature rubbing off on me.

And I also tend to be much more attracted to 7's overall. I think it's the 7-ish environments that tend to turn my brain off much more than the 9-ish ones. One can relax and still actually do something, you know..

Your post was all-around interesting for the flurry of non-typical dual experiences too

How do you recognize a SEI? My friend typed herself as one, and I was actually suspecting she's ILE earlier. I wouldn't dare call her complacent, so I guess it doesn't go into definition of this type, or she's missed it.

Complacency is probably a trait of my SEI rather than SEIs in general. I'm sure others would be more receptive to the idea of an adventure and bucking the norm once in a while. At least, I hope so.

I actually haven't paid much attention to SEIs overall; she's the only one I've really definitively typed. She was reserved, good with aesthetics, grounded, and definitely feeling. She just gave off that overall 'vibe.'

[Creepy-male]

Complacency is probably a trait of my SEI rather than SEIs in general. I'm sure others would be more receptive to the idea of an adventure and bucking the norm once in a while. At least, I hope so.

Yes, I don't think it's type related.

Isha (SLI): let's go to Fremantle and check out seafood places and museums!
Gul (IEE): let's sit around your place doing nothing overly productive and ultimately drift off to our own activities.

EDIT

Though I'm not particularly adverse to new experiences. Seafood and museums sounded like fun. In fact, in my favour, I did give her a humorous guided tour of one of the prettier zones in World of Warcraft, Moonglade.

[betterthan]

Some SLEs I find boring and self-absorbed. All SLEs have character but a few fail to interest me, two were just unintelligent and poor conversationalists.

There was an SLE chick I really couldn't stand because she was really volatile, argumentative, rude and changeable; if she felt like shit, she'd treat everyone like shit.

I'm really drawn to people with a kindred, passionate vitality. All SLEs kind of have this attractive raw energy, but few people have a spark. I think I get so into Socionics I think that my dual will be enough. But sometimes they just leave me bored or frustrated because they might be really wicked except they don't have that energy... =/

But then I had an SLE who had that wicked energy, but he was so immature and was kind of socially inept and a bit of a dick in general. Our different friends got in the way of things; my EIE best friend thought he was really weird and we all thought he was an insensitive ho - like there's Fi PoLR and then there is just being an arsehole. His ex girlfriend got all his female friends hating on me on her behalf & I used to get into bitch fights with his really socially inept, rude EIE friend. Haha, but for saying that I couldn't ever get too pissed off with him or the EIE - they were both pretty amusing because of their general retardedness... childish and irritating but in a kind of charming way . I just couldn't take them seriously - I couldn't really take him seriously as a boyfriend. I just felt like I could do better and wasn't acceptable to his friends like he wasn't to mine. I felt like he was the opposite of everything I wanted in someone but I really, really wanted him. Now, I know why...

Concerning the Enneagram I don't think I could be with any sx last.

[redbaron]

what are you, dinki? sx-first? or second?

[electric sheep]

Concerning the Enneagram I don't think I could be with any sx last.

Yes, they are all one big snorefest

[redbaron]

Yes, they are all one big snorefest

[betterthan]

what are you, dinki? sx-first? or second?

sx/sp ^-^! I was thinking maybe that 'energy' could just be related to sx firsts - a kindred passion, that might annoy people who are sx last? I'm not sure, but it's more like they have a 'lust for life' even in a dark way...and I would put it down as them being sx firsts but then I have only found this energy in four people. But then with some people it's not so apparent... meh, I don't care that much to understand it...

[betterthan]

Yes, they are all one big snorefest

Ahaha! Not even, it's just more like I would be all 'mmm intimacy' and they'd be all 'what?', so then I'd feel like a needy little sx bitch...

[Ezra]

I just broke it off with a dual. We had some pretty good chemistry, but life got in the way. And so did our circumstances. And our personalities. Mostly it was our personalities.

Sure, she was kind, sensitive, selfless, gentle, and innocent. But it got boring after a while. To me, the biggest issue was her complacency.. at least, as contrasted with my tendency to constantly take in new experiences. Probably in large part due to her upbringing, she seemed afraid of the world. With some success, I sought to teach her that the world wasn't so bad. But still, she was just plain complacent. She didn't want to rock the boat under any circumstances, where I'm not really comfortable with comfortability.

She is the quietest person I have ever known, and she offered virtually no opinions of her own. Our conversations lacked substance; any abstract concepts were met with glazed-over eyes and maybe a nervous nod.

Worst of all, since we couldn't share in new life experiences and she didn't do a whole lot of talking, I couldn't get to know her. That bothered me, immensely.

The result of all of this? The dynamic of our relationship was as if we were stuck at the one-month mark.. for more than ten months. Love alone wasn't enough to keep us together. I catered to her lifestyle for the duration of our relationship while also trying to bring her out into the world, but it absolutely drained me. I didn't feel more psychologically complete; I felt absolutely exhausted.

I denied my own nature, and as a result.. as a friend of mine stated, the relationship was holding me back.

The thing is, despite seeing the value in just sitting back and relaxing at times, I want someone who's going to be able to go out there and share in life's experiences. I want a partner in crime. An equal. I don't want someone who's going to settle down in some zone of comfort and become some docile, subservient housewife. I want to be challenged, and I think my partner should have the right to challenge me.

I was a cat, and she was a dead mouse. Cuddly, soft, and appealing, but absolutely boring after a while.

So, who else has had to break it off with a dual? What exactly was it that drove you apart? Are we just insane for breaking relationships with our duals? How much are we supposed to endure for "inevitable" psychological fulfillment?

Maybe she was actually an ESI! I think my girlfriend is an ESI and she's a bit like this (but I'm SLE so we have some shit to attack each other with). Surely an SEI would be far more responsive. Also, have you ever read ESI descriptions? They are TYPICAL housewife material, and the descriptions actually make reference to their great housewifery.

[betterthandead]

DUALITY WORKS!!! THINK SUBTYPE!!!


You guys forgot about SUBTYPE. Duality/Activity/Mirror or any other relationship intertype DEPENDS on subtype!!! Their primary function. Ti <-> Fe , Te <-> Fi, Ne <-> Si, Se <-> Ni - It's really easy to figure out someone's primary function when you start talking to them. AN ISTJ-SE subtype = Think 50 cent, Some macho truck driver. ISTJ-Ti subtype = Think a serious dry cold judge.

An INFP with Ni (emo poet) subtype will get bored from an ESTP Ti subtype (Mafia Boss) vs the ESTP Se subtype (wheeler dealer) vice versa with an INFP with Fe being the clown - both of them compete at who gets the most attention.

An ENTP with a Ti subtype (quiet but argumentative inquisitor) would much prefer an ISFP Fe (great helper in planning or mediator) subtype because both of them communicate effectively vs their counterpart subtypes ENTP Ne (very egotistical, proud, and louder) with an ISFP Si (quiet, into the deep arts, too quiet very weak communication skills.)

[Jarno]

DUALITY WORKS!!! THINK SUBTYPE!!!


You guys forgot about SUBTYPE. Duality/Activity/Mirror or any other relationship intertype DEPENDS on subtype!!! Their primary function. Ti <-> Fe , Te <-> Fi, Ne <-> Si, Se <-> Ni - It's really easy to figure out someone's primary function when you start talking to them. AN ISTJ-SE subtype = Think 50 cent, Some macho truck driver. ISTJ-Ti subtype = Think a serious dry cold judge.

An INFP with Ni (emo poet) subtype will get bored from an ESTP Ti subtype (Mafia Boss) vs the ESTP Se subtype (wheeler dealer) vice versa with an INFP with Fe being the clown - both of them compete at who gets the most attention.

An ENTP with a Ti subtype (quiet but argumentative inquisitor) would much prefer an ISFP Fe (great helper in planning or mediator) subtype because both of them communicate effectively vs their counterpart subtypes ENTP Ne (very egotistical, proud, and louder) with an ISFP Si (quiet, into the deep arts, too quiet very weak communication skills.)

We had a thread earlyer about subtype effects in duality.

Everybody agreed that subtypes indeed made (subtile) differences.

[electric sheep]

I think enneagram type makes the most difference. She's a 9w1. 9w1s are not very responsive to the get-off-your-assness of a 3w2.

Ahaha! Not even, it's just more like I would be all 'mmm intimacy' and they'd be all 'what?', so then I'd feel like a needy little sx bitch...

ahh yea that too. I tend to dodge those heavy moments. I just want to have everything else in order first.

[greed]

Maybe she was actually an ESI! I think my girlfriend is an ESI and she's a bit like this (but I'm SLE so we have some shit to attack each other with). Surely an SEI would be far more responsive. Also, have you ever read ESI descriptions? They are TYPICAL housewife material, and the descriptions actually make reference to their great housewifery.

Possible, but not really likely. I could tell that she responded pretty well to and exuded .. and the irrationality (p) definitely showed.

Also, my mom's ESI, and, believe me, I can just see the conflictor relationship between us. She shares some similar traits with my mom, but not enough for me to seriously consider ESI as her type.

If this wasn't really duality, chances are greater that I've got my type wrong. I've definitely got my IEE and LIE streaks..

DUALITY WORKS!!! THINK SUBTYPE!!!
...
An ENTP with a Ti subtype (quiet but argumentative inquisitor) would much prefer an ISFP Fe (great helper in planning or mediator) subtype because both of them communicate effectively vs their counterpart subtypes ENTP Ne (very egotistical, proud, and louder) with an ISFP Si (quiet, into the deep arts, too quiet very weak communication skills.)

In my case, our subtypes matched up--Ne to Si. In fact, your descriptions of ENTP-Ne and ISFP-Si pretty much describe us spot-on, especially her. However, "too quiet" was most of her problem.

Having duality be dependent on something like subtype is just a cop-out--it's like a phone with an awesome warranty plan that can the provider can void through something trivial like humidity-based water damage The theory would be much more honest if it just didn't try to paint duality as a magical unicorn fairytale land where problems just plain never exist.. I agree with the socionicists who think that Augusta placed way too much emphasis on dual relationships.

I think enneagram type makes the most difference.

This, yeah. I don't think Socionics is a complete theory of personality.

[FDG]

Maybe she was actually an ESI! I think my girlfriend is an ESI and she's a bit like this (but I'm SLE so we have some shit to attack each other with). Surely an SEI would be far more responsive. Also, have you ever read ESI descriptions? They are TYPICAL housewife material, and the descriptions actually make reference to their great housewifery.

Mmmh. My actual girlfriend is ESI and she's not really like that. But I did have a previous ESI girlfriend that fits the description. I think SEIs are also likely to have similar problems (they're called quasi-identical, aren't they?), especially if not dualized since childhood.

[betterthan]

DUALITY WORKS!!! THINK SUBTYPE!!!


You guys forgot about SUBTYPE. Duality/Activity/Mirror or any other relationship intertype DEPENDS on subtype!!! Their primary function. Ti <-> Fe , Te <-> Fi, Ne <-> Si, Se <-> Ni - It's really easy to figure out someone's primary function when you start talking to them. AN ISTJ-SE subtype = Think 50 cent, Some macho truck driver. ISTJ-Ti subtype = Think a serious dry cold judge.

An INFP with Ni (emo poet) subtype will get bored from an ESTP Ti subtype (Mafia Boss) vs the ESTP Se subtype (wheeler dealer) vice versa with an INFP with Fe being the clown - both of them compete at who gets the most attention.

An ENTP with a Ti subtype (quiet but argumentative inquisitor) would much prefer an ISFP Fe (great helper in planning or mediator) subtype because both of them communicate effectively vs their counterpart subtypes ENTP Ne (very egotistical, proud, and louder) with an ISFP Si (quiet, into the deep arts, too quiet very weak communication skills.)

That doesn't correlate with my experience, three have been the Ti Subtype and two the Se Subtype - I like the different subtypes the same but for different reasons...I think it is just urealted Socionics reasons, people aren't just their socionics type.

Fiddy isn't an ESTp ? Get outta here.

[Ezra]

Fiddy isn't an ESTp ? Get outta here.

He's DICk-he AwD.

See what I did there

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Sounds like you two were just too different.

[Sammy]

greed, didn't your dual support you with your dual-seeking functions?

[greed]

Come to think of it, not really. I mean, I loved the girl and all, and she loved me back.. but she didn't particularly know how to cook or anything, and I was the one to bring her to social gatherings and the like. Her version of Si was basically inertia, rather than anything meaningful, and anything Fe-related was pretty much my doing. There were plenty of times that I could just relax around her, but circumstances made that sort of experience very rare. Honestly, I feel like I provided a lot more "dualization" for her than the other way around. Of course, I am slightly older and have seen more of the world, but, well, her inertia was much too powerful.

Again, circumstances intervened between us. Her culture is basically that of courting, which, it turns out, doesn't really afford us the opportunity to really get to know each other and to have a deep, powerful, emotional connection. She knew how impractical her circumstances were, but she chose to do nothing rather than try to work around that aspect of her culture or even to seek advice on the matter, where I'd been doing everything that I could to help her, analyze the situation, and work the situation indirectly.

But I do think that she needed this, because this breakup might serve as an impetus for her to actually do something to establish herself. Then again, it might not. It doesn't appear that it has so far, which is unfortunate.


Another thing: just so nobody gets confused, I'm changing my self-typing (not because of this issue).. so we might not be duals after all. So, yeah, hopefully the thread's still helpful even though my own game's changed a bit.

[dattebayo]

first of all, I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I trust that you know that you are doing the right thing.

as for loosing a dual I can only say it sucks. BIG TIME. The closer you are the more it sucks

before my bf and me got together we went through this spell where I thought I had lost him. I have never been a dependent person, but him not being there left a void in my life. Litteraly. At this point we weren't even in a relationship. I had never felt weak until that happened. And it was really annoying, cause I didn't want to be that weak. I still don't get it, but it really did feel like something of me was missing. But something I couldn't sort of do or be by myself

I know I can't really give you any advice because in the same situation I was pretty much a mess. What I did I guess, after trying to fill out the holes myself without success, was to just concentrate on my self. What I was good at and try to ignore the holes

do what you feel you have to and I hope everything will work out

[Sumer1an]

Find another dual to replace that dual. Shouldn't be too hard, ESTps are pretty common.

[dattebayo]

imo no 2 duals are the same

[MisterNi]

I'm pretty sure any normal person would have trouble just walking away from a relationship so you really shouldn't feel bad about it. I do kind of understand where you're coming from, it's the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" that's making you rethink your options.

So what you should be asking yourself is, do you want to leave your guy now and risk being alone for an extended period until you find a non-cheating dual? Or do you forgive him and risk him cheating on you but not risk being alone?

Again, another tough choice here.

[Quaris]

I don't understand. You want to be with him, and you don't. You are having fun with him, and you feel bad about it? Yes. It does sound stupid.

[Creepy-Snaps]

I was in a relationship with an INFp, and although now I think it may have been conflicting, at the time I was still head over heels. She was very mature in the breakup, and related to a lot of the things you described, Starfall. I was persistent in still wanting to talk, and she gave in a bit. Although part of me still disagrees with the 'I think things'll be better in the future if we grow more on our own' mentality, as I'm personally not patient with relationships, I'll go ahead and share some of her 'how to's' which helped:

1) Stop talking with each other every day.
2) Delete each other as friends from facebook.
3) Remove each other on Skype/MSN messenger.
4) Delete/remove any pictures of each other.
5) Write a genuine, sincere email to the other person, let them know how you feel. Be honest. Let them know you truly loved them.
6) Let them know there may be a chance in the future, but you just don't see it at this time.
7) Let them have your email as their only way of contacting you.

The first couple weeks were pretty terrible. I emailed like every other day, but then became independent again emotionally on my own. She emailed back sparingly, like once a week, to help me grow and recover on my own.

He still calls me everyday and won't stop until I answer; I try not to, but I end up feeling bad, missing him & I cave in.

In this case I would add:
8) Block his phone number in your phone.

Basically, remove any reminder of him in your life. If you truly want to independent, and help each other grow, then you must do this, FOR BOTH OF YOUR OWN GOOD. Gameface:

As another rule of wisdom, regardless of your type, his type, whether the relationship is duality or conflicting or something in between, be honest and let him know you want to remain friends, if you believe you are mature enough to handle that.

One final thing I'd like to mention, this not coming from the INFp I dated who was mature, but another girl: you may never get the emotional/mental closure you need from the other person, in order to move on. I SEE PEOPLE FIGHTING FOR WEEKS/MONTHS/sometimes even YEARS with the other person, trying to prove that THEY WERE RIGHT. Don't expect to get the closure you want from the other person! Find peace and happiness in your own mind, independent of what they think, cause you may never get it from them.

Anyway, those are my 'how to's'. As already mentioned, sometimes the best way to get over a bad relationship is to just start a new one with another person. Life goes on.

Good luck, Starfall.

-MD

[blackburry]

That doesn't sound stupid at all.
Sounds like a good plan. Space is definitly the answer in such circumstances. even if it's just attempting it.

[rat1]

Has anyone ever successfully attempted this?

I guess it's so difficult because we've never been in a fight and we still love & think fondly of each other. I know most people here think I'm crazy for ending things, but I just don't want to be in a relationship with him until he gets himself settled & sorted out because I can't accept any less then 100%. I know this sounds incredibly bizarre, but because he just walked out of a marriage I want him to experience life on his own before he makes any kind of commitment. I want him to do this because otherwise I can see things going sour. He doesn't realize it, but I can see it far better then he can. At this point I'm pretty confident that we may find each other at a point when both of us are ready; but these things don't happen over night.

The only problem is that we can't seem to get out of each others lives. He literally won't go away. He still calls me everyday and won't stop until I answer; I try not to, but I end up feeling bad, missing him & I cave in. We somehow find little excuses to see each other & we always have a lot of fun. I know some good is coming of the break because he even admitted that the space was helping him get over his ex wife a lot faster. He wants to get back together but I don't feel like we're ready.

I somehow feel like us seeing & talking to each other is doing more harm than good, and now I feel like I'm caught in some kind of limbo...

How does one walk away from a dual? The withdraws suck.

It makes no sense what you're doing. Really it's just... neurotic. Just cave in, why resist? Things grow over time. Stop being so fatalistic.

[MisterNi]

Has anyone ever successfully attempted this?

I guess it's so difficult because we've never been in a fight and we still love & think fondly of each other. I know most people here think I'm crazy for ending things, but I just don't want to be in a relationship with him until he gets himself settled & sorted out because I can't accept any less then 100%. I know this sounds incredibly bizarre, but because he just walked out of a marriage I want him to experience life on his own before he makes any kind of commitment. I want him to do this because otherwise I can see things going sour. He doesn't realize it, but I can see it far better then he can. At this point I'm pretty confident that we may find each other at a point when both of us are ready; but these things don't happen over night.

The only problem is that we can't seem to get out of each others lives. He literally won't go away. He still calls me everyday and won't stop until I answer; I try not to, but I end up feeling bad, missing him & I cave in. We somehow find little excuses to see each other & we always have a lot of fun. I know some good is coming of the break because he even admitted that the space was helping him get over his ex wife a lot faster. He wants to get back together but I don't feel like we're ready.

I somehow feel like us seeing & talking to each other is doing more harm than good, and now I feel like I'm caught in some kind of limbo...

How does one walk away from a dual? The withdraws suck.

It makes no sense what you're doing. Really it's just... neurotic.

You've obviously never been in a serious relationship that ended in a breakup or you completely devalue Fe

[rat1]

It didnt end in a breakup, she 'broke it off' ANTICIPATING a breakup years down the road (or some crazy shit) and now can't go through with breaking it up. It's never really been broke up yet and the whole basis for trying to is retarded.

[MisterNi]

It didnt end in a breakup, she 'broke it off' ANTICIPATING a breakup years down the road (or some crazy shit) and now can't go through with breaking it up. It's never really been broke up yet and the whole basis for trying to is retarded.

Women. Amirite?

[rat1]

lol

[Codie]

Last year I fell for a dual who wasn't over an ex, and I didn't know until she came back on the scene. I'm far from over her, but I know it's for the best. I'm doing the exact same thing you are. I can't really give you any advice but thank you for posting this because I know I'm not the only one.