I just want to let it out is all.
I'm a Junior in High School.
I've known this girl for several years, since I moved into town in 8th grade. I now know she's an IEE, for sure.
Started out like people say duality does, when we look back she says she didn't notice me. She even says that she didn't even know I existed, which to her is weird because, as she says, she always remembers people who she's seen or met. We only spoke once, and in that one time I spoke to her I found her obnoxious. Not much interaction or even acknowledgment on both sides.
Fast forward to sophomore year in high school and we start talking for some reason. I can't really remember why or how, honestly. We had a lot in common... both of us are athletic and involved in the school, well known, have interests in singing, both play saxophone, smart, etc etc. I do remember, though, that she was good at everything I wasn't - she was spontaneous, charismatic, and knew how to get along with anyone and everyone she met. I didn't feel like I was interesting enough for her; everyone liked her, what could she possibly like in me?
We started talking more and more, but I always had the feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing where I stood; people always said we looked good together, which wasn't important to me since I didn't even know how she felt. At times, I felt like she was genuinely interested, at others, I wondered whether I was just seeing something that wasn't there. It started affecting me a lot on the inside, and I let it build up until March, after the Spring Musical. I resigned myself to just let it all go, to close her off completely. Long story short, I ended up hurting her, and made her cry (as she says, anyway). We had a long talk, and I think I secretly wanted her to tell me either how she felt, or at least give me closure. Neither happened, and she and I basically agreed to keep things the way we were and see where it takes us. This didn't give me any sort of the relief or clarity that I wanted.
She confuses me to no end, sometimes. I hardly talked to her for the next couple months because of what happened; it was too awkward. We started talking more often, and out of nowhere she asks me to sing in the talent show with her. She wanted to sing "Heaven" by Bryan Adams and, of course, I reluctantly agreed. We sang, and I started hanging out with her until a week after school ended. After that, we stopped talking for the whole summer.
Junior year starts, and we don't talk much, thinking that maybe it's finally done with. Again, somehow, she gets me to start talking to her again, asking me to sing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin with her for the fall talent show. A part of me agrees, with the other half wondering why she asked, and why I consented... Apparently, our performance made people cry, that we're so cute together, that we should go out, blah blah blah. Everyone seems to think we're going out... It's ridiculous. The director for the musical plans to give us the leads for Cinderella.
Fast forward to now, and I feel divided. Part of me wants to talk to her, to be around her, and another part of me wants to just let it all end. It makes me so uncomfortable sometimes. I like how she introduces variety to my life - I got involved in a lot of activities primarily because of her; she brought my talents to the surface. She always finds a way to get me to talk to her, no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn't. She's definitely changed me. I'm always drawn in... but our relationship's so hot and cold. I figure that, because of the way we are, nothing will ever happen. Am I wrong?
Alright, that's all I needed to say.
Thank god for forums, I would never get myself to tell a friend this kind of crap.