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Thread: how to get along with an intj?

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    Default how to get along with an intj?

    My dad is so weird and awkward. His ij temperament really confuses me. Can somebody give me some tips on how I should approach him and get along with him?

    He gets really sensitive to anything I say. Just when I think he'll be nice, he'll say something assholeish and just when I think he'll be assholeish, he will be nice. It's REALLY confusing.

    He'll be distant for me for awhile and then will be like overly buddy buddy. I don't know it's so strange.

    He's intj btw. Me behaving like my supervisor is really odd to me, to get along with him lol so Idk it's probably best to just ignore each other.

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    redbaron's Avatar
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    you can't ignore your dad! I mean, you could, but that might be one relationship that's worth trying to figure out?

    one of my best friends is intj and I know a few others. I actually find them to be pretty cool. works best when you show appreciation for their Ti, and throw them plenty of Fe.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    Maybe it's because he's overthinking that you're gay, and that's distracting to him. I remember my sister asking me if its weird that she's gay, and I did kind of think it was weird at first, but I never had anything against her, or her girlfriend. They're very nice people, you could say, and I don't act hostile at all, I'm extremely open. I gladly except them into my circle of trust, and they definitely do.

    You think this behavior of your dad is type related? Like some typical (but not absolute) IJ or INTj stuff? Do you picture him doing it to others?

    Also I don't think only Ij means weird and awkward like how some people have made it sound. If anything IJs are more normal acting than IPs. ILIs are pretty weird and awkward.

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    Landlord of the Dog and Duck Subteigh's Avatar
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    Maybe it's because he's overthinking that you're male, and that's distracting to him. Hmm, actually, maybe it isn't that, I dunno...

    B&D, you're gay??

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    He's intj btw. Me behaving like my supervisor is really odd to me, to get along with him lol so Idk it's probably best to just ignore each other.
    Well start by getting the socionics dynamics right. I imagine that you meant "Me behaving like my supervisee... "

    Most people don't consider it appropriate or a good long term strategy to ignore relations with their immediate family ... so i suggest you avoid that path ... but as always up to the individual involved.

    Apart from other next of kin related aspects, the problem is simply one of the benefactor (you) finding the beneficiary (your father) uninteresting as a person (ie with -PoLR) while the opposite is true of your father in relation to you (-Creative resonating with his 5th function) ...... hence him trying all sorts of things to "make a breakthrough" of sorts in the relations.

    If you chose to invest the effort to see his underlying positive qualities (this would require genuine maturity on your part) you could find this whole negative downward spiral dynamic unwinding at a rapid rate.
    ILE

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    intj's are the king of all introverts. don't bother them or talk too much. don't go in their room and start picking stuff up and looking at it. (in a family environment, i mean) don't bug them...although i am saying this as an EP...i bet an IP would respect their introversion better.

    talk when they want to talk. be interested in their world view...they are usually very interesting to talk to, they know a lot of stuff and in great depth.

    redbaron is right, too, feed them a lot of Fe and they'll lively right up and be kinda crazy and fun.

    the main thing is you have to draw them out.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Ti centric krieger's Avatar
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    Try to find some topic to exchange knowledge or opinions about. Something he's interested in that you might like aswell. The problem with most INTjs, socially, is that they don't see a need to talk to others unless the need is really, really obvious. When left to their devices they will ignore everyone. So you need to find excuses to talk to him that he will not find bothersome. The rest will pretty much take care of itself. INTjs are socially accomodative once the ice has been broken.

    Apart from other next of kin related aspects, the problem is simply one of the benefactor (you) finding the beneficiary (your father) uninteresting as a person (ie with -PoLR) while the opposite is true of your father in relation to you (-Creative resonating with his 5th function) ...... hence him trying all sorts of things to "make a breakthrough" of sorts in the relations.
    This kind of thing does backfire a bit. A lot of people speak in order to feel good about themselves. "Liking to hear the sound of ones own voice". With a benefactor, this kind of thing doesn't work. This can be a reason to avoid the person.

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    not a bumblebee octo's Avatar
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    My dad is also LII. Asking him to help me with one of his hobbies (computers, photography) makes him open up and he explains how everything works for hours, he's also receptive to toilet humour. I don't know, most of the time we just ask each other about our respective days and he gets me food, and that's enough conversation for both of us. It's probably a bit different since I'm female, he tends to spoil me with gadgets I don't really need, but I guess that's how he shows that he cares, by using his hobby to make my life better. He's always embroiled in his hobbies, so looking back on it, it seems like the nexus of our interaction.
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    Just when I think he'll be nice, he'll say something assholeish
    Why do you think he'll be nice? What are the reasons?

    and just when I think he'll be assholeish, he will be nice.
    Why do you think he'll be assholeish? What are the reasons?

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    if he is really introverted, it may be best to just to ignore him, or give him loads of space. sometimes intj or any introvert type can feel really put upon by simple everyday interaction. who knows though
    asd

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    Creepy-male

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    My dad is so weird and awkward. His ij temperament really confuses me. Can somebody give me some tips on how I should approach him and get along with him?

    He gets really sensitive to anything I say. Just when I think he'll be nice, he'll say something assholeish and just when I think he'll be assholeish, he will be nice. It's REALLY confusing.

    He'll be distant for me for awhile and then will be like overly buddy buddy. I don't know it's so strange.

    He's intj btw. Me behaving like my supervisor is really odd to me, to get along with him lol so Idk it's probably best to just ignore each other.
    Are you sure its the fact hes an intj.... or is it just a typical estranged father-son relationship kind of thing that is typical.

    I mean if hes an intj its rather simple, just appeal to the by discussing things which are thinking in nature. Find whatever it is that he is interested in and ask him about it, let him expound his thoughts on the matter - if hes an intj he should really enjoy that.

    Btw what kind of assholish stuff does he say and how does he distance himself from you (These are key question to understanding - and they aren't complex to answer).

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    He's super introverted and kind of a control freak and yeah I do give him space.

    And yeah sorry I meant supervisee not supervisor.

    Although just as a test, I told him that I would go downstairs to get him a water. (Just like my mom does organically for people) and he really opened up. Of course I asked him first, my mom would just go down there without asking, but it was a start. I could just be overanalyzing this as he's friendly to me cause I was friendly to him but nah, cause I mean I try to help/comfort in a different way but I think he finds my Ni-sense Miley Cyrus-esque talk therapy encouragement kind of condescending and arrogant. He had no idea I was faking and using it as a socionics test though but it was so humorous to me that the second I pretended to be an esfj, he opened up to me and was a lot less neurotic. I don't really mind faking being an esfj when he's around, if it will make him not go ballistic towards me....

    And yeah he REALLY overthinks the gay thing. I mean I talk about it a lot for amusement but I just think he really let's it to go to his head a lot. However, he is actually the most empathetic and caring person out of the family with regards to my homosexuality. My mom and sister both don't really understand it like he does. He likes to get me to open up and talk about it in real life, but I really don't like doing that, I just like writing about it. I notice this a lot about most males. They think it's really cute if I act 'proud of being gay.' He watches tv a lot, and many tv shows include self-loathing homosexuals so maybe he thinks that I hate my gayness? I don't know... irl it's really like a neutral non-issue to me though. Although I'd have people try to put motives in me about it where none existed lol.

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    I have tried to indirectly cheer his spirits up in a spiritual way (I'm like Buffy and like to give direct-but-distant praises to people), and that just doesn't work. But if I help him like realistically, and get him basic stuff he seems to appreciate it and will lay off my back about little stuff. Behaving like this really isn't me though. I am not the type of person to just like, wipe another's ass (the way I look at it) or like, do physical shit for people. I just have always helped people spiritually, and let them be independent. But with an infantile this seems hard.

    I will keep this up and see if it works. Yeah I'm technically being fake but who cares, it's making my dad love me. ;p

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    I have tried to indirectly cheer his spirits up in a spiritual way (I'm like Buffy and like to give direct-but-distant praises to people)
    What do you mean by this... I have no idea of what this whole buffy spirit inspiration, but at a distant thing is all about, never got into that show. I am just curious, what is a typical "scenario" of this going down.

    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    But if I help him like realistically, and get him basic stuff he seems to appreciate it and will lay off my back about little stuff.
    Yea I can relate, not completely, but I had a friend that didn't like me for a while and I would always try to solve the issue my own way, which is to clear the air and debate it out, attempt to come to a resolution by talking it out, but apparently that never worked because this person wasn't into this whole approach. He was into people doing basic things and taking care of basic needs. So one day I bought him a gift inconspicuously and bam, he opened up to me... to me it seemed pretenuous but to him it was what he wanted.

    His whole construct was he needed people do basic, realistic, physical, material things for him to feel a positive connection to them. He never thought too deep about his issues with other people, something would happen, then he'd become upset and feel ill towards that person, eventually he'd forget the issue but only remember his sentiment towards that person. You weren't able to alter his mood by talking the issues out, you could only placcate his feelings until you were back at square one.... to me it seems a pretty primitive on the interpersonal relationship level (I sound really arrogant saying this, but I don't care) - however alot of people just get used to this approach.

    Possibly your father has issues like this with you, with society, with the world -- but doesn't know how to make peace with them outside of basic/realistic/physical/material ways. Its not too uncommon; consider how people have issues of feelings of incompetency which they deal with by aqquiring lots of material wealth to prove their succesfullness... its an application of this principle and a result of this sort of habit of thinking.

    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    I try to help/comfort in a different way but I think he finds my Ni-sense Miley Cyrus-esque talk therapy encouragement kind of condescending and arrogant.
    Once again could you be more specific, I am interested in what a typical "scenario" is like when you do this stuff.

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    Because tutu, he'll seem cheerful and approachable. When I talk to him however, he's just biting/defensive. And likewise when he's seeming sad or down he's actually positive. It is strange, because ij energy is hard for me to read.

    I meant simply lucid, that I help people more by talking things out with them, and relating on a social/interpersonal level. I don't do chores or physical labor for people to prove that I care, like they do. They get mad at one of my uncles and my cousin because they hire people to do all their chores for them but really, I see their side more than my parent's and I'd do the same thing.

    I also have sex with people to prove that I like them. LoL I am hands-on and sensual in THAT way but that's pretty much it.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    I meant simply lucid, that I help people more by talking things out with them, and relating on a social/interpersonal level. I don't do chores or physical labor for people to prove that I care, like they do. They get mad at one of my uncles and my cousin because they hire people to do all their chores for them but really, I see their side more than my parent's and I'd do the same thing.

    I also have sex with people to prove that I like them. LoL I am hands-on and sensual in THAT way but that's pretty much it.
    Well makes sense... shit I am not even that receptive to talking things out that are very personal to me, I always test the water... I say random shit or listen intently to see what kind of response things get before I reveal things about myself. Like if I am around a bunch of people who are really snobby and highly opinionated and they are talking about their taste in music and they are being very critical and picking people apart mericilessly for their bad tastes, I'll generally be very concealed about my preferences in music, if asked I'll usually employ some kind of verbal manuevering, sometimes this fails though and it makes me look secretive.

    I dunno about the chore thing, but I am in agreement. It seems ridiculous; nothing says love like picking up large stones and carrying them across the yard for the ones you care about.

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    My dad is LII. He really appreciates my communication/language skills and how useful I can be with his work (he does TV work, and I have picked up a few programs fairly quickly/can help clean up language for him), although that could be more cultural/life experience than socionics. But yeah, the Ni just confuses them. My dad is so far away from anything mystic/esoteric/mysterious. I think it's the mysterious aspect more than anything. Ni is, I think, unusually capable of being in mysteries and uncertainties, and acknowledging that sometimes things really don't make sense. Ti + Ne is not like this at all, so bringing in the Ni aspect of things won't help.

    Like octopuslove said, taking an interest (even feigning an interest) in their gadgets is extra pleasing to them. My dad could explain cameras forEVER, and since processes really interest me, I like to listen, ask questions, etc. That's great. But really, we bonded the most over me helping him with his work, which was mutually beneficial; he needed a writer, and I needed to practice commercial writing. So maybe if you can find a mutually beneficial way for you to help him with something he wants to do? Overall, I guess you're right about the practical help business; I just think that the practical help can be something more interesting than getting water, doing chores, etc.
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

    Yes 'a ma'am that's pretty music...

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