In a relationship, do you want to feel wanted or needed [or both]? And do you want or need [um, or both] the person you're with?
Is this type-related?
Relationships: Feeling wanted vs. feeling needed
In a relationship, do you want to feel wanted or needed [or both]? And do you want or need [um, or both] the person you're with?
Is this type-related?
I'm not sure exactly what you are referring to. As a caregiver, neediness is a turn-on, especially when someone's trying to hide it.
I prefer to be wanted. It's nice to know he can take care of himself, and just prefers to hang w/ me based on free choice (not because he "needs" to and may die otherwise, etc.) So it's more of a compliment if it's based on a choice of want, versus need.
(For instance, if you need something, like water, then the person giving you the water isn't your main concern -- the water is. But if you have enough water, but still want to hang out w/ the water person anyway, then that's more of a compliment).
Hi! I'm an ENFP. :-)
It may be a compliment, but if I have nothing to offer I feel useless, regardless of whether the other person wants something besides my company.Originally Posted by jewels
hmmmm, good question! I think maybe needing is wanting but wanting is not needing. Speaking from my own experience, that is. I mean, you can think you want something or someone because it's objectively desirable. But in the end, if you don't truly need the person, the wanting wanes or worse, becomes something negative in the wake of needing something you're not getting. (not sure if I'm making sense here or not....)
In other words, if you're not getting what you need, getting what you think you want isn't going to be fulfilling in the long run. I might have a laundry list of qualities I want in a person and I may even find someone who meets those requirements, but how successful this turns out to be will depend on how well I know myself and what exactly is on that list.
IEI-Fe 4w3
I could have written this 20 years ago. Totally. And I still value independence very highly. However, I think differently about it than I used to. Taking care of yourself is good but to be needed for who you are in some ways is... irreplaceable.
IEI-Fe 4w3
good question. i went through this. i would hesitate to put myself in a position where i was needed or where i needed the other person. it feels better to want and be wanted. more secure, more self reliant, and in a better position to give to a relationship. in the relationship because i want to be not because i need to be. then i can choose the relationship, daily.
ILE
those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often
but isn't this what duality is about? needing and fully appreciating who the other is, at their core, their base? What could be more fulfilling? Ironically, while it appears that you're more vulnerable in that position of needing someone, you're actually not if they're your dual. Because they need you equally. And it's this situation where you both actually become stronger.
IEI-Fe 4w3
i didn't think this was about neediness but more about psychologically needing the other person. I guess I misinterpreted the question? Sorry!!
IEI-Fe 4w3
-
Another example of duals agreeing on the topic.
Ideally, I would rather want a person than need them.
I would also prefer to be wanted rather than needed.
Unfortunately, Idealism and Reality don't always match.
There are definitely certain things that I cannot do nor provide for myself, and thus I wind up needing someone to either do it or help me do it.
But then, I don't feel that I have anything to offer in return. And when I even begin to think about having to return a favor or return aid, I get all sorts of agitated, as if I'm being tied up and losing my freedom of movement.
In similar form, I don't like to be needed. Way too much pressure and I eventually fight back.
Even if it is something that I would happily do on my own, the moment I feel that I have to do it is the moment I want to fight back.
Even if the person themselves doesn't have the idea in their head that I owe them or such...they can be perfectly unselfish about helping me...if I have in some way come to the conclusion on my own that I owe them, then I get all haywired.
This is one of the reasons why I call myself selfish.
I need help from someone other than myself, but I refuse to feel obligated to fulfilling their needs.
this, I think, is part of the beauty of duality. You don't wind up feeling obligated because you barely notice you're doing anything!! You're just being yourself and the very act of being yourself fulfills what the other person is looking for!Ideally, I would rather want a person than need them.
I would also prefer to be wanted rather than needed.
Unfortunately, Idealism and Reality don't always match.
There are definitely certain things that I cannot do nor provide for myself, and thus I wind up needing someone to either do it or help me do it.
But then, I don't feel that I have anything to offer in return. And when I even begin to think about having to return a favor or return aid, I get all sorts of agitated, as if I'm being tied up and losing my freedom of movement.
In similar form, I don't like to be needed. Way too much pressure and I eventually fight back.
Even if it is something that I would happily do on my own, the moment I feel that I have to do it is the moment I want to fight back.
Even if the person themselves doesn't have the idea in their head that I owe them or such...they can be perfectly unselfish about helping me...if I have in some way come to the conclusion on my own that I owe them, then I get all haywired.
This is one of the reasons why I call myself selfish.
I need help from someone other than myself, but I refuse to feel obligated to fulfilling their needs.
IEI-Fe 4w3
I really only need to be wanted, though being needed makes it easier to be wanted. And some people use "need" as an extreme form of "want"... I don't agree with that.
LII-Ne
"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and the Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare!"
- Blair Houghton
Johari
I don't agree with that either.I really only need to be wanted, though being needed makes it easier to be wanted. And some people use "need" as an extreme form of "want"... I don't agree with that.
and you may think you only need to be wanted, but once you're wanted and your needs aren't being met, that bubble will burst pretty quickly.
IEI-Fe 4w3
Oh... I assumed that needs other than being needed or wanted were excluded by the question. Just between being wanted and being needed, I can stop at wanted; but I have other needs.I don't agree with that either.
and you may think you only need to be wanted, but once you're wanted and your needs aren't being met, that bubble will burst pretty quickly.
LII-Ne
"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and the Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare!"
- Blair Houghton
Johari
I think I'd want something where we both need each other. You can be happy living without things you want, but not without the things you need. People are that important to me and I'd love to find someone that I could be that important to too, even for a little while.
I'm sort of idealistic about it.
Moonlight will fall
Winter will end
Harvest will come
Your heart will mend
yeah :/
Moonlight will fall
Winter will end
Harvest will come
Your heart will mend
Yeah, I think it's an interesting difference between the ESTj/INFj dual pair and the ENFp/ISTp one. The former drawn together by a sort of sense of service and committing to helping each other (really not fearing "obligation" since it isn't seen in that way, but as a positive), and the latter drawn together by independence -- such as wanting room to do our own thing, not being forced to do things any differently than we want to, while being in close proximity, etc.
Not sure if I used the right words there, but I hope you get what I'm trying to get across.
Hi! I'm an ENFP. :-)
couple thoughts on this:
nice to have vs have to have
survival vs living
it was a great release just to be able to appreciate somebody for who they are, complete and separate from me, and to know that i can go it alone if i want, that i'll be ok. i like it when i feel like, "wow, you're nice to have around, i like you, i love you." vs "omg i think i'll die if we break up." the reality is, that i won't die if we break up anyway. so, even if i feel that i have to have something or need something, it's not all that true, really.
on the other hand, living is just so much better than surviving. i mean, life is easier when you have some reciprocity in a close relationship, and more enjoyable. you do things for them, they do things for you, and you have mutual appreciation.
i guess some people we appreciate more than others. lol.
ILE
those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often
I think neediness gets a bad rap but when you think about it, to get anywhere yourself you all need somebody.... even if you are a sociopath narcissist, you have to need other people to game the system, and tell everybody what they want to hear to get ahead. So in that essence you need people, the world is run by humans.
If you're talking about a romantic relationship then sure I'd much rather simply WANT that person, but you NEED everybody- I guess you can try to live outside of society as much as possible and not to have any conviences. ;p
I enjoy feeling like there's a reason I'm around, like, "I can be of service to this person, they can use my help". That said, though, I've shot over to codependent extremes before when I was really stressed out/unstable (I understand caregiver/codependent behaviour as a spectrum).
I know that my SLI SBFFFL would like me to stick around, and I would definitely have a Sithisdual-shaped hole in my life were she to disappear, even if we aren't doing anything relationship-wise.
Feel free to psychoanalyze that last paragraph, btw.
Why is this an A vs B thing? How about being wanted, AND beeing needed. I mean there's a kind of neediness that is uncomfortable, but there's a different kind of needing someone when your lives become intertwined, and it's nice to feel needed in that way.
Oh wait, I re-read and see "or both" was an option. In italics, yet.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.-Mark Twain
You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.-Mark Twain
You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
"Need" says to me that you can't live without the person.. so not that one! I guess people take romantic license with it or whatever, but it still seems to me too undesirably dramatic. "Want" seems to me so much more attractive and erm.. healthy. If someone starts to depend on me for something, or the other way around.. it's time to mix it up a little! Kind of like when you start to feel like you "need" coffee, it's probably time to quit for awhile. :-P Anyway, the notion of neediness is in general so distasteful to me that I much prefer going without something to coming across that way.
"Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."
again, the beauty of duality is that you DON'T come across that way to the other person or to anyone else! Take my IEI brother and SLE sister-in-law. They're two of the most healthy people I know, largely BECAUSE they ARE what the other person needs most, without even trying. They're not "needy" in the least. And probably if one of them died, the other one would have lived with their dual for so long that they could provide on their own what the other provided when they were alive, better than I could!
IEI-Fe 4w3
Yeah, I see what you're saying. "Neediness" is always going to have a bad connotation, but I still think that some people like feeling needed in a relationship.. however they may want to phrase it. I really most emphatically don't. :-P I don't think that being a caregiver implies that. But I don't have longterm relationship experience, so perhaps I can't talk. lol Well I'm going out with an ILE at the moment though, and it's mainly just supremely comfortable and spontaneous and non-suffocating. :-P Perhaps I'm biased, but I think that on the want/need scale, ILE/SEI duality is way over towards the want side. I think it makes sense, because I could see the LIE/ESI pair thinking that a relationship built around wants is rather immature! :-P
"Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."
So LSE/EII like need and IEE/SLI like want. That takes care of Delta. How about the others? Looks like several Betas have answered; what's their general consensus?
It's good to feel wanted, such as desiring my company and such, and likewise, but being needed, it depends what it is, i'm not OTT on clingyness.
I think this is what people had in mind. Needing someone in a romantic relationship but not wanting them would be terrible. Someone wanting me but not needing me is probably the most flattering thing I can think of!:redface:
This and what redbaron has said.
I couldn't feel fulfilled in a relationship where I'd feel like the attachment that exists could be easily duplicated with someone else. To me what's important is the reason behind the needing. If I'm needed for anything other than the person I am (being so special to someone that they couldn't conceive of being happy with anyone else and vise versa), I would feel used. But I need to feel an emotional interdependence, as long as it's based on the deep mutual appreciation that we both feel for one another. There has to be something deep and special about what unites us or what's the point? The way I hear IEEs describe the IEE/SLI mutual independence from one another makes me feel like "what value do I have to this person then if I am as unessential to them as anyone else?" I could never truly feel loved like that. I realize this may all sound insecure, unhealthy or whatever when looked at from a different perspective, but in my mind I can easily differentiate between this and an unhealthy level of neediness.
P.S. It's obvious to me that the needing I described emanates from ultimate wanting, so in essence, both sentiments are intertwined.
I would want someone who wants me and who I want for sure. I'm not sure how I feel about needed though... I guess I would want someone who makes my life easier. Maybe eventually I would get used to that and therefore need them because I expect them to help me with certain things or handle certain situations. I don't think a relationship would start with me needing the other person, though, and wouldn't reach that point for quite a while.
“No psychologist should pretend to understand what he does not understand... Only fools and charlatans know everything and understand nothing.” -Anton Chekhov
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Bardia0
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Bardia0
There are different types of needs, yes?
Meh, I'm conflicted. I mean, it would be nice to need and be needed; but also think it would be nice for us to be two self-sufficient, awesome people who choose to be even more awesome by combining our forces. Like a two-person captain planet.
But seriously, I think my favorite would be intense desire for one another. The kind of desire (not *just* that kind of desire) that feels like "needing" is ideal. That is what would be the most satisfying for me. Psychologically.
But then, once I think about it, that sounds like infatuation. So I guess while I really want this intensity level, at some point all relationships need to rest in something, but for me the basis of any relationship is just the fact that two people like to spend time together, that it's more pleasant to be around the other person (in general, not every single moment of the day) than not. So I guess that fits better with "wanting" than "needing". I don't think I need to feel "needed"--to me, the most that would do is guarantee me a place, secure my spot on this person's life. But I would never want a relationship where the person doesn't want to be with me, but "needs" me for some practical requirement, or maybe even some psychological requirement. I don't necessarily want to be responsible for holding anybody's ego stable.
Not a rule, just a trend.
IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.
Yes 'a ma'am that's pretty music...
I am grateful for the mystery of the soul, because without it, there could be no contemplation, except of the mysteries of divinity, which are far more dangerous to get wrong.
This is exactly what I want!!!
IEI-Fe 4w3
seconded!
[IMEEM]ZSQF0qwvx-[/IMEEM]
Thanks for quoting this awesome sentence.
“Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”
Reminds me of Kelly/Khamelion.
But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...
Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies...
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