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Thread: Guilt, or an over-active conscience

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    Default Guilt, or an over-active conscience

    I have always had this thing where I feel guilty for things that I probably, from a logical standpoint, shouldn't feel guilty about... big, small, miniscule, whatever. I'm too tired to give proper examples atm, but I am too curious to wait to make the thread... so do others feel guilty for small/actually-are-probably-pretty-insignificant things [not to mention bigger/actually-significant-ones]? Is this type-related?

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    i can relate.
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    Yes. I was given a great mantra, though, for when I start guilt-tripping myself... "It's ok!"

    Guilt is definitely a really difficult emotion for me to handle, though. I need that mantra to be able to deal with it (and still feel guilty, but not beat myself into the ground over it).

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    yes at the topic. something that helps is accepting that sometimes you just fuck up, and there's nothing you can do about it. That's gotten me over shit that I did half a life ago and was still holding onto (emberrasment as well as guilt)

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    Yeah, me too. I've actually written about this in Delta in the past.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    Quote Originally Posted by SoapOfSapphire View Post
    I have always had this thing where I feel guilty for things that I probably, from a logical standpoint, shouldn't feel guilty about... big, small, miniscule, whatever. I'm too tired to give proper examples atm, but I am too curious to wait to make the thread... so do others feel guilty for small/actually-are-probably-pretty-insignificant things [not to mention bigger/actually-significant-ones]? Is this type-related?
    No, never!
    I carry what is mine,
    and would help you with yours,
    if your burden is too great
    and not too well earned.

    But I for one would not carry
    the bundles others would place upon me,
    as some donkey, braying for a carrot,
    knowing only the sun, the weight,
    and the master's whip.

    I alone set upon my back
    those things that I can call my own,
    none too dear to cast away,
    none so heavy that I can not endure.
    Last edited by Cyrano; 09-24-2009 at 09:56 PM.
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    I think we should be easy to our mind first, don't criticize it too much, and in being lighter to yourselves I think we would be lighter to other people too. if the mind is too self critical and judgmental, it will backfire on everyone around you.
    (D)IEE~FI-(C)SLE~Ni E-5w4(Sp/Sx)/7w8(So/Sp)/9w1(sp/sx)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jarno View Post
    1)
    A girl who I want to date, asks me: well first tell me how tall you are?
    My reply: well I will answer that, if you first tell me how much you weigh!

    2)
    A girl I was dating said she was oh so great at sex etc, but she didn't do blowjobs.
    My reply: Oh I'm really romantic etc, I just will never take you out to dinner.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post
    No, never!
    I carry what is mine,
    and would help you with yours,
    if your burden is too great
    and not too well earned.

    But I for one would not carry
    the bundles others would place upon me,
    as some donkey, braying for a carrot,
    knowing only the sun, the weight,
    and the master's whip.

    I alone set upon my back
    those things that I can call my own,
    none to dear to cast away,
    none so heavy that I can not endure.

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    without the nose Cyrano's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 07490 View Post
    I think we should be easy to our mind first, don't criticize it too much, and in being lighter to yourselves I think we would be lighter to other people too. if the mind is too self critical and judgmental, it will backfire on everyone around you.
    True.
    Insecurity leads to so many problems...that cause insecurities.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coolanzon View Post

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    I have a lot of pangs of conscience, but they are not typically in-line with societal values.

    I certainly hold myself to a different standard of ethics then the rest of society.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post
    True.
    Insecurity leads to so many problems...that cause insecurities.
    yea it starts with treating yourself better, don't beat yourself up over things, don't pressure yourself and add needless extra doubt/feeling, when things happen, be it only that has happened, it is just life and things do happen, don't think over it to make it any more or any less. and then I think a cycle forms where your aura color changes, people see you less lighter and more accepting becuase you are less judgmental to everything, and in return they are more kind towards you, even if you haven't directly communicated with them Becuase they just "feel" a good vibe from you, then they treat you better and make everyone's life easier.
    (D)IEE~FI-(C)SLE~Ni E-5w4(Sp/Sx)/7w8(So/Sp)/9w1(sp/sx)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jarno View Post
    1)
    A girl who I want to date, asks me: well first tell me how tall you are?
    My reply: well I will answer that, if you first tell me how much you weigh!

    2)
    A girl I was dating said she was oh so great at sex etc, but she didn't do blowjobs.
    My reply: Oh I'm really romantic etc, I just will never take you out to dinner.

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    Quote Originally Posted by 07490 View Post
    yea it starts with treating yourself better, don't beat yourself up over things, don't pressure yourself and add needless extra doubt/feeling, when things happen, be it only that has happened, it is just life and things do happen, don't think over it to make it any more or any less. and then I think a cycle forms where your aura color changes, people see you less lighter and more accepting becuase you are less judgmental to everything, and in return they are more kind towards you, even if you haven't directly communicated with them Becuase they just "feel" a good vibe from you, then they treat you better and make everyone's life easier.
    You change colors?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post
    You change colors?
    I am not a gypsy but I think that is very possible.
    (D)IEE~FI-(C)SLE~Ni E-5w4(Sp/Sx)/7w8(So/Sp)/9w1(sp/sx)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jarno View Post
    1)
    A girl who I want to date, asks me: well first tell me how tall you are?
    My reply: well I will answer that, if you first tell me how much you weigh!

    2)
    A girl I was dating said she was oh so great at sex etc, but she didn't do blowjobs.
    My reply: Oh I'm really romantic etc, I just will never take you out to dinner.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post
    No, never!
    I carry what is mine,
    and would help you with yours,
    if your burden is too great
    and not too well earned.

    But I for one would not carry
    the bundles others would place upon me,
    as some donkey, braying for a carrot,
    knowing only the sun, the weight,
    and the master's whip.

    I alone set upon my back
    those things that I can call my own,
    none to dear to cast away,
    none so heavy that I can not endure.
    Me 2

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    I have a good rule for the guilt thing:

    Is it really YOUR fault, 100%? (It rarely is ever this simple) But sometimes it is, we all make mistakes. So you should feel guilty.

    You should never feel guilty for your feelings, thoughts, and perceptions- as those don't actually hurt people. You should however feel guilty if you intentionally hurt somebody (including yourself) or if you do an action that isn't good for others. You should feel guilty over what you *do*, not how you think or feel.

    But you should kinda feel the guilt, and move on right? What good is it to stay guilty? How does that solve a situation? Guilt is a very good emotion actually, as well as empathy- without those emotions we'd fuck up people too much, the world would be a horrible place. But no use in wallowing over them right? Don't torture yourself. =)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post
    I carry what is mine,
    and would help you with yours,
    if your burden is too great
    and not too well earned.

    But I for one would not carry
    the bundles others would place upon me,
    as some donkey, braying for a carrot,
    knowing only the sun, the weight,
    and the master's whip.

    I alone set upon my back
    those things that I can call my own,
    none too dear to cast away,
    none so heavy that I can not endure.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    hmm, guess I'm in the minority here but I tend to have a problem not feeling particularly guilty. Of course I don't do a lot of bad stuff either. But for example, when I was 18, my mom forbid me to ride on my boyfriend's motorcycle. I did it anyway and lied about it. I still don't feel guilty about that. In fact, I still resent the fact that she was trying to control me when I was already off to college (but living at home over that summer).

    Feeling guilty takes a lot of energy that I just don't have.
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    Yea I typically feel guilty when I do things that I know I should not do no matter if it is small or large. I thought that was rather typical though and that some people are just better at ignoring it than others. The more interesting question is where does your conscience come from.
    “No psychologist should pretend to understand what he does not understand... Only fools and charlatans know everything and understand nothing.” -Anton Chekhov

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    Quote Originally Posted by redbaron View Post
    hmm, guess I'm in the minority here but I tend to have a problem not feeling particularly guilty. Of course I don't do a lot of bad stuff either. But for example, when I was 18, my mom forbid me to ride on my boyfriend's motorcycle. I did it anyway and lied about it. I still don't feel guilty about that. In fact, I still resent the fact that she was trying to control me when I was already off to college (but living at home over that summer).

    Feeling guilty takes a lot of energy that I just don't have.
    Oh well I wouldn't feel guilty about that. Or about any of the things I did with boyfriends as a teenager that I was forbidden to do. LOL.

    No, I feel guilty about things where someone felt bad because of something I did. Like, there's one boy I broke up with because I kind of got tired of him and was more interested in someone else. I wasn't very gentle about it, and I feel guilty about how I handled that. But it was AGES ago, when I was a teenager again. And I still feel guilty.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    No, I feel guilty about things where someone felt bad because of something I did. Like, there's one boy I broke up with because I kind of got tired of him and was more interested in someone else. I wasn't very gentle about it, and I feel guilty about how I handled that. But it was AGES ago, when I was a teenager again. And I still feel guilty.
    awwww, well I can understand that I guess. It's sweet that you still feel guilty about it.
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    i lived 21 years of my life giving a fuck about other people a lot. fuck them. i need the next 21 to be really fucking selfish.
    asd

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    Quote Originally Posted by SoapOfSapphire View Post
    I have always had this thing where I feel guilty for things that I probably, from a logical standpoint, shouldn't feel guilty about... big, small, miniscule, whatever. I'm too tired to give proper examples atm, but I am too curious to wait to make the thread... so do others feel guilty for small/actually-are-probably-pretty-insignificant things [not to mention bigger/actually-significant-ones]? Is this type-related?
    Yea this happens to me also...

    my number one cooping mechanism is to not to be overly critical on my actions and behavior but rather to asess my intentions and motive. I can easily forgive myself and others if I know my actions were in the pursuit of something valuable. Sometimes certain things have to get worse to get better and sometimes certain things seem worthless but turn out to be more valuable, so I tend not to overfocus on small details and instead consider the big picture.... it doesn't completely eliminate guilt, but it manages it well for me... in the end when things work out or dont the entire burden of any guilt just dissapates or it falls on me like a ton of bricks.

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    I have this thing where I don't really feel guilt... almost ever. I don't usually do something where I don't know the implications, and I rarely change my mind about the decision I made. What I can feel is annoyance and disgust at a persons weakness, or apologetic for fucking up, but guilt.. is rare. Guilt is different than apologetic because it's an avoidant form of self manipulation
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazedratXII View Post
    I have this thing where I don't really feel guilt... almost ever. I don't usually do something where I don't know the implications, and I rarely change my mind about the decision I made. What I can feel is annoyance and disgust at a persons weakness, or apologetic for fucking up, but guilt.. is rare. Guilt is different than apologetic because it's an avoidant form of self manipulation
    lol..... really how is it avoidant form of self manipulation, I thought guilt was just a natural human emotion.....

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    how does it being natural also mean it isn't avoidant or manipulative?
    you can feel guilty or you can do something about the problem. feeling guilty allows you to be content with doing nothing about it. it's a mind game of rectifying something. it's a pussy emotion. the moment you do something to correct the problem, your guilt is relieved. so why sit around and feel guilty? maybe I can understand feeling guilty for a millisecond before you actually try to correct what it is you've fucked up. but why sit around feeling guilty, pretending to yourself you care, when you don't care enough to fix it? is it because feeling guilty gives you a social excuse to sit on your ass? or are you really lying to yourself; do you actually believe you give a shit?.. natural human emotion doesn't mean it isn't a form of self manipulation. i will concede, it can also be a way of manipulating others. when i hear someone feeling guilty, my first urge in my guts is to somehow hurt them more. then they will see i do not care about their guilt. i do it out of instinct. fucking mopey bullshit
    Last edited by crazedrat; 09-26-2009 at 05:02 PM.
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  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazedratXII View Post
    how does it being natural also mean it isn't avoidant or manipulative?
    you can feel guilty or you can do something about the problem. feeling guilty allows you to be content with doing nothing about it. it's a mind game of rectifying something. it's a pussy emotion. the moment you do something to correct the problem, your guilt is relieved. so why sit around and feel guilty? maybe I can understand feeling guilty for a millisecond before you actually try to correct what it is you've fucked up. but why sit around feeling guilty, pretending to yourself you care, when you don't care enough to fix it? is it because feeling guilty gives you a social excuse to sit on your ass? or are you really lying to yourself; do you actually believe you give a shit?.. natural human emotion doesn't mean it isn't a form of self manipulation. i will concede, it can also be a way of manipulating others. when i hear someone feeling guilty, my first urge in my guts is to somehow hurt them more. then they will see i do not care about their guilt. i do it out of instinct. fucking mopey bullshit
    Feeling guilty is not [necessarily] avoidant because feelings of guilt do not preclude doing something about whatever has happened; feeling guilty does not mean feeling content with not doing anything about the problem. In my case I may feel guilty for things long after they have been rectified and regardless of whether any damage was actually done or anyone was actually hurt. It is just that I cannot “turn off” the feeling if I have done something, knowingly or not, that feels wrong or may have hurt someone in some way. If anything, overblown feelings of guilt are closer to the opposite of being avoidant; where it would be logical and probably best to just let it go [especially when no real harm was intended or done anyway, and where the situation has been resolved on the outside], a person w overactive guilt focuses too much energy on it.

    Taken alone, feeling guilty is not manipulative because to be manipulative, at least as I understand it, is to consciously try to influence someone [oneself or others]. Feeling guilty is involuntary, and although I can see how some people might use it to motivate themselves in some way, which could be seen as self-manipulation, I don’t think most people react in that way, at least from my own experiences and conversations w others. As far as manipulating others, any emotion could in theory be used to do that, but that’s a cheap shot imo. Feeling guilt is internal, and is not necessarily shared w others; feeling a negative emotion, guilty or otherwise, does not mean showing it or acting mopey.

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    well, your first paragraph is making me reconsider how i feel about a certain kind of guilt. and it is better to say i am originally thinking of a different kind of guilt. but i will admit you are right, there is that kind of fear based guilt. where there is no problem but the person seems fearful and reprehensive. that feeling is also something i don't experience. So I don't really have an opinion on why it develops or what psychic function it serves. But the type of guilt I am describing is different from what you are describing. Your guilt is after the fact guilt, mine is avoidant guilt.
    The second paragraph I disagree with. Manipulation also occurs unconsciously as self-manipulation. A better word for self-manipulation may be defense mechanism; although self-manipulation will involve an array of defense mechanisms. yes, manipulation is goal oriented, but defense mechanisms are also goal oriented.
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    I've always had an extremely over-active conscience. It's like I have a little woman with a halo sitting over my shoulder constantly slamming my head with an iron pipe. I always seem to feel guilty for something if it involves peoples feelings. I'm the kind of person who always apologizes after an argument.
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    There's often a lot of guilt and a lot of fear floating around in my mind, and they both center on interactions with other people to some extent (though the fear can arise seemingly about a lot of things). I think this means I need to save my own soul... but I also remember these elements being there from the beginning... fear of being "too afraid to be sincere" or "too afraid to stand up and state what I think even if everyone might ostracize me for it" ... the guilt is usually on simple things, like not communicating something in a way that didn't misrepresent what I meant or hurt someone else's feelings or look like I was criticizing them when I really didn't mean it in that way... or somehow drive a stake in our entire relationship... there are just so many things to say in the wrong way and there are just so many sides of me and I wish I could see myself more from the outside because then I would see something more simple because in my mind it feels extremely complex and confusing. I mean there's introspection and then there's introspection of the introspection and so on...

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