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Thread: "I shouldn't have to show you how I feel in actions, because I tell you in words"

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    Default "I shouldn't have to show you how I feel in actions, because I tell you in words."

    "I shouldn't have to show you how I feel in actions, because I tell you in words."

    What type would say this? [The person who said this is not healthy, btw, and I'm not saying it's a typical statement from any type... or is it?]

    How would you react if someone said this to you?

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    A friend of mine asked me to type the "five love languages." Brilliand and I decided:

    Words =
    Quality Time =
    Gifts =
    Acts of Service =
    Touch =

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    A friend of mine asked me to type the "five love languages." Brilliand and I decided:

    Words =
    Quality Time =
    Gifts =
    Acts of Service =
    Touch =
    Hey, that's interesting. And those fit w the quoted person's type nicely....

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    Wait wait wait...I thought was about visible emotions. I mean, I've heard the link between and words also, but...is there a contradiction here?
    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Director Abbie View Post
    A friend of mine asked me to type the "five love languages." Brilliand and I decided:

    Words =
    Quality Time =
    Gifts =
    Acts of Service =
    Touch =
    When I took the 'test', my highest score was actually in quality time.
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    It's the absolute polar opposite of my SLI husband, too. "I don't have to tell you how I feel in words, because I show you with my actions." I don't think he's every actually said that, but he COULD have because it is how he operates.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cone View Post
    Wait wait wait...I thought was about visible emotions. I mean, I've heard the link between and words also, but...is there a contradiction here?
    I guess I would say demonstrative emotions, and the emotions could be demonstrated through words, though not necessarily.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    I guess I would say demonstrative emotions, and the emotions could be demonstrated through words, though not necessarily.
    "Demonstrative emotions", I like that.
    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

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    Quote Originally Posted by SoapOfSapphire View Post
    How would you react if someone said this to you?
    Distrustful. It almost sounds like they are trying to keep me from knowing something. But then, it would really depend on how they said it and in response to what.
    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

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    "I don't have to tell you how I feel in words, because I show you with my actions." I don't think he's every actually said that, but he COULD have because it is how he operates.
    Ah, that is a million times more preferable... that's how it should be imo.
    Last edited by female; 10-18-2009 at 02:16 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SoapOfSapphire View Post
    "I shouldn't have to show you how I feel in actions, because I tell you in words."

    What type would say this? [The person who said this is not healthy, btw, and I'm not saying it's a typical statement from any type... or is it?]

    How would you react if someone said this to you?
    The person who said this is not healthy indeed. That sounds manipulative in the very least, and deceitful somewhere further along the worsitude scale.

    I would overreact and be very upset with this person, and likely not attempt to resolve whatever conflict was happening. If they were just spouting ideals, though, I'd be wary that it's a doomed relationship.

    I don't think it's a typical statement at all. I would say, though, that Fe valuing types trust more in reassurance made through demonstrative displays of emotion and possibly even clear statements about what the relationship is as defined by external markers. I'm speaking from pure theory, here, though, so... *hollers* EPHEMEROS!!! Talk to us.

    EDIT

    Quote Originally Posted by SoapOfSapphire View Post
    Ah, that is a million times more preferable... that's how it should be imo.
    Amen. I still struggle with wondering if I'm being consistent though.

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    My dad is an EIE, and not the most healthy, but even so I kind of think his opinion would be that he should show in actions AND tell in words.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    Ok, ok, stop the train again. By "actions", do you mean what Abbie posted, as in "acts of service" or "physical touch"? I thought you meant like visible displays, like enthusiasm over getting a gift or...well, I guess that would involve a lot of words being exchanged, so...I want to change my answer. I'd take words over actions any day (sorry, guys. )
    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cone View Post
    Ok, ok, stop the train again. By "actions", do you mean what Abbie posted, as in "acts of service" or "physical touch"? I thought you meant like visible displays, like enthusiasm over getting a gift or...well, I guess that would involve a lot of words being exchanged, so...I want to change my answer. I'd take words over actions any day (sorry, guys. )
    Well, for my husband, it would be acts of service. That is his "love language" big big big time.

    As an example, for my EIE dad, it would be more like big acts - big displays. He's into big displays. Not necessary acts of service but visible displays of love, and that's an action too. I'm trying to think of a good example, but maybe a gift, which is a different love language. But the gift wouldn't be about how much is spent. It would be more about how the person receiving it would be affected. There is a bug going through my house, STILL, and I have taken Nyquil so I'm having a hard time pulling thoughts together.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    As far as an ESE goes, with the Si AND the Fe, I guess there could be overlap. My mother-in-law is all about acts of service and big demonstrations. My SEI father-in-law is more acts of service than displays, I think. I get along with both of them, and they both have this caretaker thing going, generally speaking, with me. There have been notable exceptions but for the most part. Of course, if Si is your love language, than maybe withholding Si is your punishment language, like if they're mad at me. Hmmmm.

    Oh yeah and I think acts of service is more Si because it seems like an issue of caregiving.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
    -Mark Twain


    You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    But the gift wouldn't be about how much is spent. It would be more about how the person receiving it would be affected.
    Is this from your EIE dad?

    I like the "private secret club with secret code language" idea. I think aixelsyd brought up something like that. Things like in-jokes, or the bold displays of rampant insanity that was being discussed in that other thread whose name escapes me right now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    Of course, if Si is your love language, than maybe withholding Si is your punishment language, like if they're mad at me. Hmmmm.

    Oh yeah and I think acts of service is more Si because it seems like an issue of caregiving.
    Or just showing concern.

    When

    "Aww *hug*
    *listens*"

    transmutes to ->

    "Go seek professional help"

    =

    Sad Infantile

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    Hey, where are the other 3 love languages, hmm!?

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    Fe is not "demonstrable"

    Fe is internal. subtle, latent, implicit.

    Ti on the other hand is explicit and measurable; demonstrable.

    I think you guys are confusing Ti for Fe.

    An abstracted, clear, measurable interpretation of relationships is Ti. The reasoning or means of continuing those relations would be involved, "intuitive", and latent (Fe).
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    Of course, if Si is your love language, than maybe withholding Si is your punishment language, like if they're mad at me. Hmmmm.
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    I think having Fi in the mental ring. I.E ego/super-ego have the highest possiblity of verbalizing this.

    I think Fi 2nd function can sell these words very reliably and often do.

    There is a disconnect for some between feelings and action because althrough the heart is sentimental, often our actions need to be more considered.

    I think the whole "I shouldn't have to show you in action" is because there has been some criticism in this area. This particular problem I find occurs often when two Fi mental ring types in in a relationship as they both are looking for more concrete cues for feelings, or .

    In a sense a request for action to match up with feeling is often going to be viewed as emotionally manipulative by some types.

    The demand for freedom of action is not neccessarily dishonest, it's just a natural preference for some people.

    Verbalizing, "If you feel this way about me you must do this or that or act in this or that fashion?" Is this not a request for obedience? mental ring types are going to reject this sort of verbalization as a whole as they are conscious of the latent aggression of such talk. They need to be persuaded via passion, real emotional excitement or some sense of recripocal service rendered.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    Well, for my husband, it would be acts of service. That is his "love language" big big big time.
    Cool! So, how do you see "acts of service" as being a strong expression of love, exactly? For you, specifically.

    As an example, for my EIE dad, it would be more like big acts - big displays. He's into big displays. Not necessary acts of service but visible displays of love, and that's an action too. I'm trying to think of a good example, but maybe a gift, which is a different love language. But the gift wouldn't be about how much is spent. It would be more about how the person receiving it would be affected. There is a bug going through my house, STILL, and I have taken Nyquil so I'm having a hard time pulling thoughts together.
    Oh...oh wow, I think I am very much like your dad on that ground. When it comes to people, I think big--really big. Like, a friend of mine and I used to always try to outdo each other on gift giving for birthdays, so one year I got this idea that I would start saying "Happy birthday" a few months beforehand, giving out each letter individually as it got closer. I was also going to play on the piano a few songs that were very important to her, one of which her mother, who died of breast cancer when she was...14 or so, used to play for her and her sisters. So of course I had this big awesome thing planned out, but for some reason we lost contact for a few months before losing contact completely. So I never got to completely enact my display. But yeah, gift giving was very big for us, even when it came to giving other people stuff too. For me, it was totally about the "giving of self" and going through shared experiences and using gifts as a way to remind each other of what we did and what was important to us (we used to reminisce a lot...well, I used to, anyway.) Unfortunately, we never started an actual relationship, perhaps because of this whole love language thing (actually, it was a bit complex and kinda awkward, but that's a story for another day.) We shared the "gift giving" part, but I was very much also the "words" part and she was very much the "quality time" part (she used to almost stare me down when listening to me, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable (she was probably the only person I know that I couldn't look her directly in the eyes), and she had an uncanny ability to remember virtually everything I said about myself and bring it up in conversation, you know, in a way to show that she is always listening. I liked that she could do that, but it's certainly not exactly what I wanted, really. I often feel that relationships somehow always eventually come back and focus on me, and I don't like that. I am good enough getting attention, but too much and it's like it becomes really one-sided. And when someone seems to be actively creating that situation, yeah...no.) / contention, perhaps? (I don't actually know her type, though.)

    But in terms of love languages, yeah, I'd say I give words mostly and gift-giving next, and mostly expect the same back.

    Ok, TOO much writing.
    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

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    I have heard similar thing from IEI.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    It's the absolute polar opposite of my SLI husband, too. "I don't have to tell you how I feel in words, because I show you with my actions." I don't think he's every actually said that, but he COULD have because it is how he operates.
    my SLI dad is the same way toward my mom, and that's how I am toward people I love as well. I think it's related to Fe. The person who said the original sentence is probably strong in Fe and weak in Fi or Te.
    INTp

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    Quote Originally Posted by Slacker Mom View Post
    It's the absolute polar opposite of my SLI husband, too. "I don't have to tell you how I feel in words, because I show you with my actions." I don't think he's every actually said that, but he COULD have because it is how he operates.
    My mentality is, "I told you once how I feel; you should remember. Now I'll prove it with actions."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    Over here, we'll put up with (almost) all of your crap. You just have to use the secret phrase: "I don't value it. It's related to <insert random element here>, which is not in my quadra."
    Quote Originally Posted by Aquagraph View Post
    Abbie is so boring and rigid it's awesome instead of boring and rigid. She seems so practical and down-to-the-ground.

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    To me, both are absolutely necessary. I need to be reminded/reassured in words, but of course I expect the actions to match the words. But without verbal expression, there would definitely be a big part missing. Having said that, I haven't actually heard anyone saying what was said in the OP. That seems like an indication of some kind of complex in this area, like an overcompensation.

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    As far as likeliness, presumably an Fe-ego type (probably beta, too, because we tend to be more "airy," 'cause we're not tied to the ground by Si, to whatever degree Si ties one down) would be most likely to say something like that, but it's a douchebag/"unhealthy" thing to say regardless, assuming that "I shouldn't have to show you how I feel in actions," means, "I'm allowed to be unkind to you as long as I say I love you." Although... depending on how pretty the words are, fashioning the words/situation behind the words could in itself be considered an action...
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

    Yes 'a ma'am that's pretty music...

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