I was laying on my bed last night and started feeling depressed. I started getting this anxious, closing-in, trapped, claustrophobic feeling. I realized that it was due to this whole INFJ business. INFJ, I mean what the fuck. J's not so bad. It doesn't suit me regarding my understanding of J, but its like having a screen on your window as opposed to not. Sure, I'd prefer to see outside without having it obstructed in any way, but its not that big a deal. F on the other hand. Fuck. "Feeling" is just as much an "F" word as "Fuck". F is weakness. F is crying over stupid things. F is flimsy. F is doing and saying things that you really don't mean because you are so angry you can't see straight and then regretting it later. F is ruining relationships and friendships because of the things you did or said in the heat of the moment. F is a soap opera. I'm better than that.
I can't tell what people are feeling. I can put myself in their shoes easily enough and imagine what it would be like to be in their situation, but I can never feel the way they feel. I can usually tell that something
is wrong, but if I try to guess what
, I'm way off mark. I have a long-standing habit of unintentionally saying and doing things that offend people or hurt their feelings. Usually I don't even know that I did it or I caused it. Then, IF they tell me, I'm usually quite surprised. What? You are upset because I said THAT? But what's wrong with that? I can't think of any possible way someone could take that in a way that in a negative way......Huh? You took it THAT way? How on earth could you take it THAT way? What must go through some people's heads...
I don't know why I have such an emotional attachment to INTP. I guess it stems from what INTP did for me. All of my life I've felt misunderstood. I liked being unique, but also wanted people to know the real me. Many times I would get people thinking I was doing things for some hidden agenda. I don't have freaking hidden agendas! Whatever I said, that's what I meant! Don't try to read between the lines because you'll get incorrect data and it will confuse the issue. Don't try to find the
behind what I said, because when you can't easily find one, you'll default to assuming there is a negative one. And just because I ask a fucking question about something doesn't mean I'm fucking complaining about it!
Ugh, why do people have to be so "F"?
So anyway, I've had lots of misunderstandings with people thinking I'm meaning something I'm not. One day I decided to search for a good personality test. The "which Disney character are you" ones were mildly fun in their own way, but were ultimately meaningless. There must be one out there that is based on actual research. Enter MBTI. Took the test at humanmetrics.com, tested as INTJ, read several profiles, decided I was really INTP. I felt a strong sense of pride when I'd read it. Yes, that is me. Wow, I'm so cool. Hey, so-and-so, read this and see how cool I am. Do you think the guy this profile is describing is cool? Well, that's me. Did you ever know (aspect of INTP profile) about me? Do you have a better understanding of how I work now? Does that explain why I always do such and such? So now let's see what you are. Yes, c'mon. Here, I'll read it to you and you answer. Okay, fine, you can sit down and do it, but can you read it aloud so I can know where you're at? Ah, I see you're (MBTI type). Does that sound like you? Cool
*writes down so-and-so's type next to their name on my list*.
INTP was always there for me. I could be around people who could do so many things better than I could, but I never felt completely inferior because I always had something they didn't. I always had my hidden trump card. Even if they didn't know it, I knew I could always be better at at least something. Like playing a game against someone and giving yourself a handicap. It appears to be equal, but they are trying their hardest. You are, too, but only because you're fighting the handicap as well. If you wanted to, you could remove it and totally obliterate them. But you don't and you make them think you are pretty even with them. It's the knowing that I could
that gives me security. INTP was that for me.
After the initial disbelief at the notion that I could be an INFJ and reading the reasoning behind it that I couldn't ignore, the depressed feeling started slowly creeping in. I realized I ignored it until last night. It honestly feels like I lost a good friend. Like I had an argument with someone I deeply care about and they never want to see me again. Like someone close to me has died and I'll never be able to see them again. Like everything I've ever known has been a lie. I feel betrayed. I keep telling myself "this can't be real, there has to be a mistake." But I don't know enough to be certain about any of it. I'll just have to see and learn.
The above is highly irrational. I know it sounds silly and a lot of it is unrealistic, but it is what my feelings are saying, not what my rationality is filtering out. I don't have any ill feelings toward Technical or Estelore. I like them both and am amazed by them. None of these feelings are directed at anyone other than myself, and none of them were caused by anyone other than myself.