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Thread: Supporting and rescuing Enneagram type 4

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    Default Supporting and rescuing Enneagram type 4

    this was posted here: The Enneagram Institute Discussion Board - Will Type 4s ever find their "rescuers"?

    Type 4 needs three things

    1) someone who really LOVES the 4 unconditionally
    2) someone who really UNDERSTANDS the 4
    3) someone who really SUPPORTS the 4

    4s are so troublesome because they almost always confuse all these things and hold an image of ONE perfect person who could give all that. If there is someone who really understands the 4, the 4 might easily think that this must be real romantic love. And the 4 will also begin to expect endless suppport from this person. In the end the 4 is frustrated since this person isnīt willing to sacrifice himself in order to make the 4 happy. Or there is someone who really loves the 4. The 4 will expect this one to really understand and support her. But then the trouble begins: If the one does understand the 4, the 4 feels caught and not free to play silly cat & mouse games and so on. Since the one who understands the 4 will also be able to read the ulterior motives. The 4 canīt stand this. Or the 4 meets someone who is really interested in supporting and rescuing the 4. The 4 might easily fall in love and idealize this person. But soon she feels dependent. She might keep the person since she needs letīs say the money & psychological support. But the romantic interest will fade away and the 4 will subtly take hatred out on the person. The more effecitve the support is the more the 4 feels victimized although not able to break up the relationship.

    So sabotage takes place THE MORE a person offers one of these three things to the 4. Someone might remain a supporter for years and keep the public role of being the 4īs mate. But internally he will not be treated nicely. Or someone might remain the 4īs lover. But he will have to stand that the 4 always shows him his flaws and that she needs a lot of other people around who UNDERSTAND and SUPPORT her. Or someone might be allowed to really understand the 4. But he canīt continue as a lover since the 4 feels threatened.

    Iīd say if someone offers two of the things to the 4, it is almost a law that the third thing will be destroyed soon. If someone understands AND supports the 4, the 4 will feel so dependent and experience this person as so superior that she wonīt be able to "reward" this superior person with the luck of being loved. Although the 4 secretly always plays with the thought of loving this person and will possibly not be able to love someone else. If someone loves and understands the 4, the 4 will develop such huge demands of support that the person gets to the point where all this canīt be understood any more. If someone loves and supports the 4, the 4 will soon develop hatred since she assumes that this person wantīs to buy the 4īs love.

    If someone offers all the three things to a 4, this is a guaranty for mean sabotage on the long run since the 4 will feel totally inferior and always test on this personīs stability & honesty. The fear of loosing this one will lead to more and more poisoning the relationship and finally really loosing this person.

    So I get the impression that older 4s begin to strongly separate all these three things. Often they stay together in a relationship with someone whom they donīt really love, just because this person is very supportive. Or there is someone whom the 4 loves secretly. But since he is so understanding the 4 will not allow the love to take place. She will always secretly love this person but stay together with another one who is less understanding and thereby less threatening. And so on. There are many possibilities.

    I think the 4 is the one who most dreams of a perfect person offering all the three things in early years. But the 4 is also the one who is least able to keep all this if it becomes reality. Therefore later in life the 4 is the one most likely to end up diplomatically in half-hearted relationships with supporters. Or to have a lot of understanders & stay single. Or to have one short relationship after another just to suck support & energy out of the people. Or another combination. But most likely not a balanced life with a mixture of all the three things in a mate & some friends. The relationships with friends & mates will always be confused and conflict each other. Roles will frequently get changed. Like: How would it be if not my mate but my best friend loved me? How would it be if there would be someone who could support me even better than my mate? Why shouldnīt I spend more time with people who really understand me if my mate doesnīt? What if my mate understands me more than I thought (then I would actually be trapped)? The people closest to the 4 will feel pressured by these comparisons & role changes. And this is the 4īs extortionate method of trying if there is even more she could pocket as a reward for being so poor and not being granted to find final satisfaction.

    So finally this "rescuer" is not one terrific person but a complex and oscillating structure of relationships to utilized people who get involved due tho their own ego lacks. The 4 really understands to capitalise that every person is somehow conscience-striken and flawed. People easily get addicted to the great admiration the 4 offers in the beginning. And they will have to toil more & more in order to get this ego drug again. A complex rescuer structure (like a diva with a lot of servants) is more realistic than one rescuer since it allows certain people to refuel if overloaded.

    But also possibly the 4 takes off the exploitative pattern and looks in the mirror and finds ONE rescuer (as said). I believe that this one rescuer will still need the support of other secondary rescuers; as if the 4 knew that itīs a hard job to rescue herself and feels self pity looking in the mirror and loading this job just on the person behind the mirror. But this might be the approach to reduce the amount of external "rescuer-energy" over the years. Since there are also 4s who just need more & more of other peopleīs energy when growing older.


    omg....
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    The super-rescuer becomes superior to the four, but if that person is the four, it cancels.

    I recall the Four's mission was to "understand himself." Wasn't "support" closer to 6, and "love"... huh, everyone needs that.



    LII-Ne

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    awesome, krae. your writing reminds me of an EIE friend from college.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    I think the 4 is the one who most dreams of a perfect person offering all the three things in early years. But the 4 is also the one who is least able to keep all this if it becomes reality. Therefore later in life the 4 is the one most likely to end up diplomatically in half-hearted relationships with supporters.
    I know this to be the case. It has been often that I find myself in a sort of appreciation role, where I extract the loyalty, admiration, etc. from individuals, via various emotional ploys, in order to maintain a sense of the search for that romantic completion. I usually keep these people at a distance when this happens, so as to maintain the consistency of the support.

    Or to have a lot of understanders & stay single.
    Yeah, that's easy -- it's called the internet. lol.

    Or to have one short relationship after another just to suck support & energy out of the people.
    Yeah I've hopped around like an ephemeral little firefly before, shape-shifting as necessary and emotionally whoring myself to charm people into my personal traps. sigh.

    Or another combination. But most likely not a balanced life with a mixture of all the three things in a mate & some friends. The relationships with friends & mates will always be confused and conflict each other. Roles will frequently get changed. Like: How would it be if not my mate but my best friend loved me? How would it be if there would be someone who could support me even better than my mate? Why shouldnīt I spend more time with people who really understand me if my mate doesnīt? What if my mate understands me more than I thought (then I would actually be trapped)? The people closest to the 4 will feel pressured by these comparisons & role changes.
    Very true. I know that internal comparisons of individuals to myself, and to other individuals, pervade a good portion of my inner life. It fosters a silent aristocracy of sorts, one which allows my search for that ideal to continue unhampered, maintains a distance from the variegated interactions so as to keep me afloat, and subtly guilts people over time in differing ways, to keep them wrapped around my emotional fingertips. Whether it's a girl who was previously a friend that I move closer to, in order to create a conflict in her mind and lure her in; a quick transmission between friends, offering subtle comparisons in conversation to keep each guessing over my respective appreciation of them; or just lashing out at people and running to others for compensatory support; it's the same theme.

    And this is the 4īs extortionate method of trying if there is even more she could pocket as a reward for being so poor and not being granted to find final satisfaction.
    Yeah -- extortionate really is a perfect word for it. And it definitely stems from a shame-ridden sense of entitlement. The world wants to hurt me? Ok, I'll take what I please. Such is stated with an internal smirk of sardonic glee.
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    On a related note, the lyrics to the song, The Package, by A Perfect Circle, demonstrate this quite nicely.

    Clever got me this far
    Then tricky got me in
    Eye on what i'm after
    I don't need another friend
    Smile and drop the cliche
    'Till you think I'm listening
    I take just what I came for
    Then I'm out the door again

    Peripheral on the package
    Don't care to settle in
    Time to feed the monster
    I don't need another friend
    Comfort is a mystery
    Crawling out of my own skin
    Just give me what I came for, then I'm out the door again

    Lie to get what I came for
    Lie to get just what I need
    Lie to get what I crave
    Lie and smile to get what's mine

    Eye on what i'm after
    I don't need another friend
    Nod and watch your lips move
    If you need me to pretend
    Because clever got me this far
    Then tricky got me in
    I'll take just what I came for
    Then I'm out the door again

    Lie to get what I came for
    Lie to get what I need now
    Lie to get what I'm craving
    Lie and smile to get what's mine

    Give this to me
    Mine, mine, mine
    Take what's mine
    Mine, mine, mine
    Take what's mine
    Mine, mine, mine

    Lie to get what I came for
    Lie to get what I need now
    Lie to get what I'm craving
    Lie to smile and get what's mine

    Give this to me
    Take what's mine
    Mine, mine, mine
    Take what's mine
    Give this to me

    Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine...
    Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,
    This is mine, mine, mine
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    Healthy 4s don't want this anymore. Healthy 4s are trying to improve themselves and taking an active interest in contributing to the world around them and being a positive presence in the lives of others. Once they start relating to people as they actually are, and not as the 4 idealizes them to be, then the 4 will realize that such a "perfect person" doesn't actually exist (and if he or she did, then the 4 wouldn't deserve them anyway so that's no good).

    I'm staying away from romantic relationships until I am healthy. I don't really see myself as this user and exploiter of people (and if I am then it goes both ways) but I do know that I am chronically insecure in relationships always wondering if I am good enough or if they are good enough for me. I am really tired of that.
    EII
    4w5, sp/sx

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