Enneagram Three: King of the Hill

[07490]

Quote from the book the everything enneagram book

Threes are the kingpins and the stars of their universe. When they bond with healthy mothers, they become the most authentic souls on the planet. When they bond with narcissistic mothers, they become sham artists, hawking false personas to hide undeveloped souls. They are hard driving achievers who claw their way to the top and crow when they get there. Unfortunately, they desperately want congratulations and adoration from the people they just worked so hard to beat. When self-actualized, threes attract others with their magnetic personalities; when pathological, their narcissism drives others away.

I was lucky enough to grow up with a very nurturing, humble and honest ISFj-Se enneagram 1 mother whom I have bonded very close to and is the most important person in my life. throughout my life I do feel pulled towards a certain persona to fit in and adapt to social situations. But there is always doubts of doing the right thing for myself, even if it goes to contradict what is socially being accepted. Maybe because I have never grow up with a male role model/father figured and I may have learned to be the person my mother raised me to be? I was lucky enough some people think that I am a open person, and being very authentic with myself, which I think it all relates to how my mother has raised me (Nobody has control over this and vice versa) . What do other threes think about this? if they are willing to share.


By the way I think everyone who is interested in Socionics/Enneagram should definity check out this book which relates a lot of general psychology with the enneagram system.

[Gilly]

Well, my mother (LSE) is fairly healthy, maybe slightly narcissistic but I'd say it's par for the course considering she's 8w7. I have certainly been known for projecting personas But I do identify with wanting to be "king of the hill," for sure, and I do think that, when I'm at my healthiest, I am not only authentic in this sense but very open about my own flaws, honest about things I may have lied about or things I've inflated to make myself look better/more experienced/"cooler." I'm certainly not everything that I would sometimes have other people believe, and there are still skeletons that need sweeping out of my closet, lies that need to be aerated that I want to be "forgiven" for. It's not easy to admit them, to really come clean about myself and rectify the distance between what I know to be true and what I want others to see, but when I manage, it's the most freeing thing in the world.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I think that description is silly. Narcissism doesn't drive people away, it kinda secretly sucks their souls while making them think they are attractive and have all the answers. Most people are just really dumb and are easily fooled by the narcissism of certain politicians and celebs for one.

[Gilly]

Narcissism drives wary people away. I agree that it can suck people in, but when it gets to an unhealthy extent, people see that they are being used essentially as objects and think "wtf am I doing this for" and leave.

[greed]

I wonder if threes just sort of work to emulate or please their mothers in some capacity. I know that I was a lot more withdrawn, depressed, and detail-oriented in my youth, anyway, and I fully believe that my ESI mother had that effect on me.

I've largely gotten over my competitive streak and disappointment at failure, but it does kick in when I'm tackling something that I know nothing about and among people around my own age who have mastered the material..

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Hmm. I think narcissism and empathy just goes in flows, man. Like sometimes it's like, everything just seems HELLA narcissistic and it's like, every man for himself and then you have these like flashes of when you need to genuinely connect, and not be judged or used as a ploy to make somebody else stronger. It's like, even though they are opposites they are connected, or something.

I mean everybody says how celebs are narcissistic, it's really why people like to have such fun with them and go crazy, they want to like 'normalize' people who are naturally better than others due to their own self-realizations and ambitions. So they like to see them break down and cry like this sick fetish they have, like we're gonna do the same thing to Miley Cyrus that we did to Britney Spears and nobody will care. Did you guys see that Southpark episode? It's like, they can't get over that time in high school that they suffered so other people's self-actualizations drives them bonkers.

[greed]

So is the three really supposed to be completely narcissistic and vain? Many type descriptions point to that, but those who have studied the system seem to think that that's a copout, that the "image" that a three portrays really isn't about vanity at all.

[Danielle]

So is the three really supposed to be completely narcissistic and vain? Many type descriptions point to that, but those who have studied the system seem to think that that's a copout, that the "image" that a three portrays really isn't about vanity at all.

I agree. I think the problem with average and unhealthy 3s is that they don't really believe they're worthy as they are, and thus they must inflate their egos and run roughshod over people with their ambition as a way to protect themselves.

There's a website about narcissism and voicelessness that really helped me to understand what plagues a lot of narcissistic people. This doctor makes the point that "healthy narcissism" is when we realize that we are special: at what we do, or to our loved ones, or to our friends, etc. That's a good thing, and jives with what Understanding the Enneagram says: a 3 who has a healthy sense of self is one who realizes that he or she truly is desirable to the people that matter.

I would recommend that voicelessness website to any 2, 3, or 4 (or even 9) who is struggling with either : narcissistic tendencies OR martyrdom tendencies. When I realized that these are really two sides of the same coin, and pathologically feed off of each other to survive, it changed my whole mentality around.