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Thread: In a long-distance relationship

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    Sx Strahm's Avatar
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    Unhappy In a long-distance relationship

    I'm an INFJ, and I've never been one to just blurt out how I'm feeling, mostly because no ones cared to ask, nor is it easy for me to do so anyways. But now, it seems to be a bit of a problem; I've been together with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and it's never occurred to me that the fact that I don't express my emotions much upsets him. Now you see, we're in a long-distance relationship, so we hardly ever get to see each other, thus making communication extremely important. Because I need to take a second to answer a question asking about how I'm feeling, or I'm just completely quiet after he's said something, he feels that I don't care as much as I used to; which is obviously untrue.

    I've been trying to make an effort to open up more, but it's really difficult, no matter how hard I try.

    Could anyone give me any advice to help improve this aspect of myself?

    (In case anyone asks, I have no idea what personality type he is, I never got around to asking him.)


    Sx

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    six turnin', four burnin' stevENTj's Avatar
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    My wife and I were in an LDR for more years than I care to remember, and even for about a year still after we got married. Were going to different schools, training programs, and launching careers and couldn't always be in the same place at the same time. I don't really have any advice for you but yes, good communication is one of the most important things. How far away are you? Did the relationship start off long-distance or has it become that way?
    Te-INTp/ILI, my wife: Fi-ISFj/ESI, with laser beam death rays for ESTp/SLEs, lol
    16 years of bliss in an Activity relationship

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    Sx Strahm's Avatar
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    Well, I live up here in Canada, and he's moved around a bit recently, but he's always remained in the southern United States. So it's pretty far, when you really want to see eachother.

    And it's always been like this, since we met online.


    Sx

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    Quote Originally Posted by Strahm View Post
    I've been trying to make an effort to open up more, but it's really difficult, no matter how hard I try.

    Could anyone give me any advice to help improve this aspect of myself?
    IDK. I've run into this with talking to some EIIs over the internet, especially Fi subtype ones. It's really hard to tell.

    You do have to reassure him that when there is silence or a lack of response, its not a bad thing. Most people, including LSEs, do need to see some sort of response or feedback. And when you're online and not typing much, it's hard. IN real life we can see you and read body language etc, but online, what you type is all there is.

    Try video chatting or phone chatting, that's what I'd suggest
    (gmail has free stuff, skype, yahoo, aim - it's free nowadays)

    But as far as text stuff, have some discussions about it, and let him know your habits and tendencies. Talk about it. And really try to let him know what your mood is when you talk to him.

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    I agree with Ryu, tell him how you are. As an INFj, it's so important that you feel comfortable enough to not only be yourself, but explain when there seems to be a problem. Only then can the two of you work out compromises. It's not all on you to "fix yourself" in order to save a relationship.

    There's also a book, called "The Five Love Languages", and it might be useful. I know it gets recommended a lot for these kinds of situations, where one person in the relationship is expecting a certain kind of romantic feedback while the other is expecting something else.

    As an INFj, I definitely identify with not talking about my feelings, and yes in part because people usually don't really want to know (even when they ask how I am feeling, and even when they love me). Also, feelings can be transient and temporary things. What matters to me is the bond I have with that person, and I often think that my actions are enough to show the bond. But if someone really wants to know what I think of them, I would tell them why I love them so, why they're awesome, whatever. I'm more apt to tell the reasons behind my feelings, and not really the feelings themselves. Sometimes I forget to do both.
    EII
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    Sx Strahm's Avatar
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    Oddly enough, we talk via xbox live pretty much every day, and rarely talk in text, unless it's text messaging.

    Though yesterday, we had a bit of a... disagreement, let's say... and we hadn't talked all day, until just a little while ago. And recently, I've been constantly trying to get my point across about... well, everything I mentioned above, but I think today he finally understood; because when he apologized, he explained that he should have considered the type of person I am before he assumed anything.

    So hopefully all will be well from now on, but only time will tell. :wink:

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    would be smart to break up with him
    INTp

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    how old are you guys?

    and yeah....... keep the breaking up option on the table....

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    You're going to get hurt.

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    in a terrible car crash
    INTp

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    Quote Originally Posted by Strahm View Post
    I'm an INFJ, and I've never been one to just blurt out how I'm feeling, mostly because no ones cared to ask, nor is it easy for me to do so anyways. But now, it seems to be a bit of a problem; I've been together with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and it's never occurred to me that the fact that I don't express my emotions much upsets him. Now you see, we're in a long-distance relationship, so we hardly ever get to see each other, thus making communication extremely important. Because I need to take a second to answer a question asking about how I'm feeling, or I'm just completely quiet after he's said something, he feels that I don't care as much as I used to; which is obviously untrue.

    I've been trying to make an effort to open up more, but it's really difficult, no matter how hard I try.

    Could anyone give me any advice to help improve this aspect of myself?

    (In case anyone asks, I have no idea what personality type he is, I never got around to asking him.)


    Sx
    I am also an INFj and I have a very hard time with long distance relationships. Not trying to discourage you, because I know they are possible to maintain, but it is difficult because of the lack of nonverbal communication. I am not the most verbal person and I sometimes find it difficult to communicate well over the phone. Its a lot easier in person when you can see someone's emotional responses and vice versa. I don't usually express my feelings over the phone unless someone asks me directly, and most people aren't going to ask every time we have a conversation. I would almost rather communicate via instant messages because I express myself better in writing than over the phone. However, neither one can compare with communicating face to face. Also, when you are in a long-distance relationship you miss out on so much information about a person and you might find that your time in person is not quite what you expected it would be when you were talking on the phone. But if you have spent enough time together in person and the relationship is very important to you, then maybe either you or your boyfriend should consider moving so you can be near each other.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Strahm View Post
    I'm an INFJ, and I've never been one to just blurt out how I'm feeling, mostly because no ones cared to ask, nor is it easy for me to do so anyways. But now, it seems to be a bit of a problem; I've been together with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and it's never occurred to me that the fact that I don't express my emotions much upsets him. Now you see, we're in a long-distance relationship, so we hardly ever get to see each other, thus making communication extremely important. Because I need to take a second to answer a question asking about how I'm feeling, or I'm just completely quiet after he's said something, he feels that I don't care as much as I used to; which is obviously untrue.

    I've been trying to make an effort to open up more, but it's really difficult, no matter how hard I try.

    Could anyone give me any advice to help improve this aspect of myself?

    (In case anyone asks, I have no idea what personality type he is, I never got around to asking him.)


    Sx
    So I guess I didn't really answer your question - but I honestly don't know exactly how to help because I have the same problem. I feel that a lot of it simply has to do with being INFj and we can't change our personality types, although there are some things we can do to learn to communicate better. If you know that your boyfriend really wants you to express your emotions, then practice making a conscious effort to share how you are feeling every time you talk. It might not come naturally or easily but you can do it if you try :-)

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