"You Don't Know Me"

[Mattie]

I've been getting some rather insightful and introspective lessons from this SiTe friend of mine. We were just on the phone, talking about our own creative personal projects we have to work on, and it segued into him talking about how he's a mystery to himself, and that he doesn't really know all about what is him sometimes, and said that made him an awkward person to be around. And I told him "Aw, I think you're just fine to be around." And he responded with:

"You don't know me."

And it wasn't really said any differently, but then again, he's pretty monotone during the entire conversation (he was working on an ink drawing when he remembered to call me, typical ), but it didn't seem like out of anger or anything. I was slightly taken back, but I had received a similar message like this beforehand, he told me he didn't really know me, and to explain why he deserved any of my patience with him. And really, I started to think that, maybe the way I "know" people isn't as deep as I thought it was. I get to know people enough where I can generally predict their behavior, but to really know someone... He's challenging that bit of me.

So I wonder, how do you actually "know" someone? When do you know that they "know" you?

We were having a conversation about identity, and he told me he went through experiences of not really having much of one, just feeling broadly or indifferent about lots of things. I told him that was interesting, because I was the exact opposite in my past: I wanted to know my favorites for everything, I wanted to figure out every aspect of myself and be 100% myself. Right now, I can't really relate to what it feels like to not know yourself... Or, not know how you feel maybe? Thoughts?

ETA: And is it strange that after he said that, I only wanted to get to know him even more?

[jewels]

I would interpret the "you don't know me" comment more as him trying to either 1) stubbornly still hanging onto the idea that he is difficult to understand (maybe he doesn't want to be figured out so quickly) or 2) trying to build in some space and/or mystery.

I really don't think it's about your ability to understand people. Of course, we can only understand what a person chooses to show us about themselves. So if they are hiding things, we will never know.

Maybe you got close to him quickly and it freaked him out? So he's doing the whole secret agent spy "There are things I just can't tell you" thing? haha. Or maybe he just has low self esteem and doesn't think anyone can really understand him.

In any event, I wouldn't doubt your ability to get to know people. Doesn't sound like you take a superficial approach at ALL based on your conversation w/ him.

[BlackCat]

So I wonder, how do you actually "know" someone? When do you know that they "know" you?

This is an interesting question. For me, when someone "knows" me it just seems to click in my head, that's probably what it's like for them too. I think that when someone "knows" me well is because I trust them well, and it's the same for other people as well. The more you let them in on, the more that you trust them. The more that they let you in on, the more that they trust you. Thus the more that you are "known" by them, or the more you "know" them.

But the disturbing thing about how this works is that they can still withhold information, making you truly not "know" them if they wanted you to not.

I can't really relate to what it feels like to not know yourself... Or, not know how you feel maybe? Thoughts?

Oh I agree. I'd say for especially Fi egos it would be very strange.

ETA: And is it strange that after he said that, I only wanted to get to know him even more?

Of course not, because that's letting you know that he hasn't fully let you in in some way, that apart of himself is hidden. And you want to get to know this.

[Lobo]

Sometimes when people say "you don't know me" it's because they might want to warn you of aspects of their personality/past that might turn you off... My impression of SLIs is that they do not like to disappoint, or cause disillusionment.

[Danielle]

Sometimes when people say "you don't know me" it's because they might want to warn you of aspects of their personality/past that might turn you off... My impression of SLIs is that they do not like to disappoint, or cause disillusionment.

I agree, they're often trying to warn. Although I don't know if they know the IEE's capability to understand and work with even the deepest tragedies.

It's also a way to get someone to back off, although I'm not sure if it's because they really don't want the closeness or if they're insecure about it, and thus don't trust it.

With them, I think you have to demonstrate that you really will accept them and love them completely. You have to keep showing that you understand and love and that you have useful insights. They don't often know what you see in them. The way they know people is through interacting with them for a long time, so they don't necessarily trust that someone can "know" something significant about them if they haven't been around them a lot and seen them at their worst.