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Thread: IEIs/INFps dealing with anger and frustration - are you outwardly explosive?

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    Default IEIs/INFps dealing with anger and frustration - are you outwardly explosive?

    What I mean by that is...a tendency to express anger, frustration, etc. Feeling unable to contain oneself. A feeling of "if I don't get this off my chest, I will go crazy". Needing to express how you feel "right now".

    Is this type-related or at least type-influenced?

    Disclaimer: I only mean this in a personal context- assuming that you are speaking to someone you are close to and feel comfortable being yourself around. It does not pertain to more superficial interactions, such as at work or groups.

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    fwiw, most the IEIs that I know tend to hold that stuff in and/or promptly remove themselves from the situation that is prompting those negative feelings. The ones I know are actually pretty good at holding grudges against real and/or perceived offenses for a long time.

    also, fwiw, ExFp can be pretty quick at reactionary responses to feelings of anger, frustration, etc. Having to get it out of themselves before they can calm down or review the situation at hand. I believe that the 8th Fe + EP temperament helps contribute to this.

    edited to add: none of this takes into context the disclaimer you added, heh

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    Hm, interesting. That's what I was thinking too...

    You make an interesting point about EP temperament. I'm just trying to look at it from a duality perspective and I just don't see how an SLI (for example) wouldn't go batshit crazy with that behavior. Wouldn't they get extremely irritated and completely shut down?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sirena View Post
    Hm, interesting. That's what I was thinking too...

    You make an interesting point about EP temperament. I'm just trying to look at it from a duality perspective and I just don't see how an SLI (for example) wouldn't go batshit crazy with that behavior. Wouldn't they get extremely irritated and completely shut down?
    I'm curious what an SLI would answer to that.
    I think, though, that it might be humorous or entertaining to them. One minute the ExFp would be freaking out and the next calm as can be.

    The important thing, I would think, would be that as long as the xLI was secure that the freak out wasn't going to affect the relationship. Like, if the ExFp was freaking out over something someone else said or did, and the ExFp was ranting and raving, getting it off their chest, then that's not going to influence the relationship and the xLI knows it's not them that's being ranted and raved about.

    While due to the normally calming or relaxed nature of the xLI, it would probably take a huge amount of shit before the ExFp would freak out on/about them.

    In some circumstances, the xLI may even aide and abbet the freak out by also talking about the situation or whatever that got the ExFp in the uproar. This can often lead to humorous results where the things they talk about the ExFp possibly doing in response gets wilder and wilder and more absurd and ridiculous until both are laughing (another stress reliever).



    oh, fwiw, my infp brother and richard (isfp) both took a long time to recognize that my daughter's and my freak outs were temporary and not really as 'strong' as what it looks like from the outside. Yes, it's sudden, yes there is ranting and raving, and then there's calmness and hugging and reassurances. They both view it as...awkward...odd...unhealthy... but they both also recognize that it's not really affecting my daughter's and my relationship with each other. She and I don't hold grudges against each other when we do that. This sorta perplexes them.


    Oh, and more relevant now that I think about it. My estp brother used to talk about doing stuff (bad stuff). He'd go into great detail about getting back at someone, creating extensive plans, etc. All talk, very little action. My infp brother would go along with the talk, adding to it, pointing out what they need to remember or keep an eye out for or avoid, etc. He knew that the estp brother just needed to get the shit off his chest, but that he wasn't at all likely to actually act on it. But just by being able to talk about it, make the plans, etc, it helped to calm my estp brother down.

    I think part of what that helped with was it gave my estp brother the feeling that IF he wanted to, he COULD do this plan, he could have control over the situation. Talking with the infp brother helped him create a good plan...one good enough to give the estp brother that feeling of control.

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    Well, that's not at all what I meant though. I meant to explode "at" someone, meaning it's directed to that person.

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    anndelise, I just re-read my comment and noticed I probably came off as a bitch. I think everything you said makes a lot of sense and it's in line with my present thinking. That's what I see as the typical IEE-SLI interaction: the SLI being amused at the IEE's quirkiness or whatever. But what I meant was more like what I said in my previous post.

    How do you, as an IEE, express anger towards someone?

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    I've seen ENFp-Nes be outwardly explosive. Are you outwardly explosive?

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    I'm IEI. I often want to. I never do. I'm afraid either that I can't do anything and will be ineffectual, or that I'll hurt the other person too much. Either way, no action. *shrug*

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    Last edited by anndelise; 08-10-2009 at 07:40 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sirena View Post
    What I mean by that is...a tendency to express anger, frustration, etc. Feeling unable to contain oneself. A feeling of "if I don't get this off my chest, I will go crazy". Needing to express how you feel "right now".
    This happens to me VERY rarely, as in 0-2 times a year at most. I tend to react similarly to how anndelise described (removing myself from the environment with the negative stimulus or vice versa). If I find someone's behaviour repeatedly unacceptable (according to my own subjective definition) I will slowly plan and arrange things in such a way as that in 6 months time they are no longer part of my life. I generally don't approve of allowing myself to cause a scene with someone due to impulse and am confident of my ability to review the situation in light of more information and a level head at a later point. Furthermore the times I have "let it out" on someone I did not feel in any way relieved afterwards, but rather the opposite. Once I get genuinely and visibly upset (it takes a lot and happens slowly) it is VERY difficult for me to calm down for the rest of the day. I really despise this anxious brooding feeling and the uncontrolled verbal expression of it to someone else provides me with no satisfaction what so ever, and from past experience is most apt to further deteriorate the situation. When I have snapped at someone, and due to later information realized it was wrong of me to do so, I deeply regret it.
    INFp-Ni

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    I've noticed that many people on this thread refer to people that don't immediately express themselves to others as people that "bottle things up". IEIs might not be very open to others all the time about their feelings, however, most IEIs have their own ways of handling their feelings, these methods are acknowledged as being vastly superior to verbal expression but will never, under any circumstances, be discovered by other people. Simple classical examples include writing, drawing, music etc.
    INFp-Ni

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mimosa Pudica View Post
    I agree with you, but I think I wasn't very clear in my previous post, so I'll try to clarify:

    The "calm" IEIs I know aren't the "bottle things up" types, and I somehow seldom have the need to pull things out of them (as I described), but if they start to seem tense, it's often as if they need "permission" to start speaking about themselves, and I'll push to get it out. I really appreciate these calm IEIs, they feel very stable in parts of themselves where I'm not strong. And this is not related to sx-instinct, as my best friend is IEI sx first, and calm and stable as a rock. He deals with emotions in a way that doesn't disturb others. In my previous post, I had focus on how I don't mind the explosive ones, but I never meant I don't like the emotionally calm ones. Of course I do. It's the people that keep things in and THINK THAT IS A GOOD WAY TO BEHAVE, that tend to make me feel tense. I completely selfdestruct in nervousness when people play "silent games" with me. Ime, these are often Fi-types, but I might be biased.

    Also, I have no need to discuss whatever people don't share readily, unless it affects me, so people dealing with their emotions, whatever way they do it, through painting or writing or talking with me, are all completely cool. You notice if people boil or not, and those boiling ones are the people I feel wary about. Not the people who deal with their emotions in peace.

    Hope that was clearer.
    lol this is going to sound weird and it might be just because I'm IEI and know how to handle these things (or at least think I do as it hasn't come 'round to bite me in the ass yet) but I actually get along with most people that "boil" quite well, like if the person was a boiling pot of water, I'm sometimes the lightning bolt that shorts out the stove, . They're pretty harmless so long as you know how to avoid reigniting the stove. I'd imagine boiling IEIs are relatively harmless too unless they have schizophrenia or are wearing a wife-beater and drinking beer. In the case of such IEIs I'd worry more about their wife-beater wearing beer guzzling SLE best pal. Whenever I've been in groups in the past I've always ended up feeling kind of like a bloody therapist with people wanting to tell me every aspect of their lives. This has ironically made me boil sometimes in the hopes that they shut up and boil too. Indeed maybe if they boiled the neurons inside their head would speed up at such a pace that they'd heed my advice and their problems would all go away to be replaced by new ones (or at least pay me ). I'd imagine most therapists would agree that patients that have always new problems are more interesting than the ones that always bring the same one. We have a consumption based economy for goodness sake.

    I think it's safe to say that men are more likely to appear to boil than woman. Maybe it's just because I'm a guy but really it's best for everyone that most of these boiling men be left to boil. Believe me, you do not want to listen to them talk about their day-to-day problems. That being said I've also noticed that women boil in a different way. The difference could be (or could not be) analogous to the difference between fresh water boiling or salt water boiling. Being that it's more socially acceptable for women to "express their feelings" there are many women that overly express their feelings. While this seems healthy at first it often leads to a conflict with another woman (the one that the former called a slut behind her back). For the benefit of society I think these kinds of conflicts are best resolved using promiscuous clothing and physical combat on top of tables.
    INFp-Ni

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    Nais. I like.

    As to the question: it really freakin' depends. If it's really pissing me off, I suppose I'll just express it. Also you mean it to be in a context where I'm with someone I'm comfortable with. Usually with these people, I'm more spontaneous so I'll just let it off my chest.

    With regards to groups however, I'll be more bottled up. I may express it, but only if it results in interesting reactions. I'll definitely shut up if what I'm going to say will get others pissed at me, unless I really don't care about what they think of me at all.

    I suppose to some extent, group behaviour would be more type related. With people you're close to, most people won't mind spontaneously expressing their emotions, unless they don't even get emotionally excited at all.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mimosa Pudica View Post


    I think I kind of agree.

    I was referring more to people you somehow HAVE to deal with. Like family members, close friends and lovers. If they are UPSET about something I've done, I prefer if they tell me directly, instead of walking around feeling offended. It's just breaking me down internally to wonder what's going on in such cases.
    Well, if this happens often, you ought to keep in mind that in the case of family members and close friends, as horrible as you might be, believe it or not, there are other more horrible things lurking out there, some refer to them as "people", and it's these things, or "people" rather, that are responsible for the situation at hand. Even if your close friend or family member opened up to you about where, how and why such people tormented and continue to torment them nothing would change because even if you provided them with a perfectly sound strategy it is unlikely to aid them much, for they likely also have issue with practically implementing theoretically sound strategies. Best bet would be to force them to play tennis or something else with you so you don't have to worry about them plodding in misery indoors. Added advantage of doing such things is that exercising releases endorphins and endorphins make people feel goooood. I must admit I'm usually too lazy to do such proactive things and when a close friend or relative is acting in such a matter I merely insensitively ignore them and do my own thing. I enforce a strict "tough love" policy they'd do best to love me for it.

    If you're living with an annoying family member you could also pair them up with another annoying family member. Be forewarned that this could lead to you providing separate free therapy sessions to each of these family members.

    In the case of lovers well really I'm in no way qualified to hand out relationship advice (or any advice in general for that matter even though I do) but if it happens often you ought to sit down and imagine the frustration your feeling and then multiply it by the number of days you estimate are remaining in your life. Yes doing math makes everyone miserable but the answer to this equation will be an abstraction from the heavens serenading you to get rid of your "lover" else you may never find true love. Also being in a relationship with someone that continually annoys you is akin to chopping off your fingers, one by one... then stitching them back on to your stumpy hands with your toes. :frown:
    INFp-Ni

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mimosa Pudica View Post
    Thanks!! I feel a lot better already. (and no, the problem isn't a lover, but the wife of my father)
    oh no, see I had clear solutions already for close friends, direct family members and lovers but quasi-family members they operate on a purgatorial level of uncertainty in the realm of temperamental jurisdiction. While in the past I would never have recommended dropping a cyanide pill into her morning coffee I've since told myself that I still probably should not recommend such things
    INFp-Ni

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mimosa Pudica View Post


    I think I kind of agree.

    I was referring more to people you somehow HAVE to deal with. Like family members, close friends and lovers. If they are UPSET about something I've done, I prefer if they tell me directly, instead of walking around feeling offended. It's just breaking me down internally to wonder about what's going on in such cases.
    Pretty much, but I don't want to be the one to push them to reveal themselves. ESE/SEI I've found are pretty good at showing displeasure before it gets to explosive angry tirades at each other.

    I prefer they just get mad at me for the exact action that I did because I might get guilty if you don't reprimand me immediately and I figure out I pissed you off. Also don't do some stupid moralizing like, "You were so fucking wrong to do that." I prefer a more, "Ah, you got me so angry or sad, or hurt response!" I want to see the pain, otherwise you're just whining. :wink:

    IEI hold themselves back a lot and sometimes they'll do things to piss me off for something I did in the past. EIE's just complain way too much about everything in life and then explode!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mimosa Pudica View Post
    Oh, you are IEI, all right! And I know exactly what kind of IEI, too, after this thread. MOOOORE!!!!!
    Hey! I am currently busy trying to learn about the possibility of planetary systems existing around the 20 nearest star systems to our own at the moment, you know, just in case I ever need to move very far away for whatever reason or so...

    If you'd be so kind as to inform the the LIIs responsible for this: The Extrasolar Planets Encyclopaedia that these charts are NOT IEI FRIENDLY I would have more time to solve everyone's problems (well actually I've already solved everyone's problems in my head I just need the time to write it all out, definitely could be a best seller if you SLEs usurp the seeds of such hard labour before I'm done and remember to bury them, and water them until a money tree sprouts, also if you could fight back the evil creditors that would rather dig up such seeds to feed their rascally parrots t'would be very much appreciated thank-you. Bloody money tree seeds have been going missing right and left, where's greenpeace when you need'em?
    INFp-Ni

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    Quote Originally Posted by silverchris9 View Post
    I'm IEI. I often want to. I never do. I'm afraid either that I can't do anything and will be ineffectual, or that I'll hurt the other person too much. Either way, no action. *shrug*
    The same for me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by misutii View Post
    If you'd be so kind as to inform the the LIIs responsible for this: The Extrasolar Planets Encyclopaedia that these charts are NOT IEI FRIENDLY
    I clicked on that link. I was feeling all science-y since I had just read about hypervalence molecules (inspired by another thread on this board). Then I saw all those numbers in confusing patterns and it made my head explode.

    The same for me.
    Yay for a fellow interpersonal coward! jk. One day when everyone in the world is properly socionically dualized, all IEIs will have just the right degree of outward expression of anger. Or at least an SLE to do it for us.
    Not a rule, just a trend.

    IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sirena View Post
    What I mean by that is...a tendency to express anger, frustration, etc. Feeling unable to contain oneself. A feeling of "if I don't get this off my chest, I will go crazy". Needing to express how you feel "right now".
    Tendency, yes! Feeling of bursting, yes! Feeling of "will go crazy if I keep this any longer", yes!
    Manifestation of said feelings... NO!

    Beta is endurance and I think this manifests itself in the IEI as extreme resistance to their inner demons. I think IEIs are able to keep them at bay most of the time. When you see an IEI explode you can know for sure that it is something serious.

    Gandhi's saying "I am prepared to die, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill." is a good example of this battle. He also said "The only devils in the world are those running around in our own hearts. That is where the battle must be fought."

    IEIs are warriors just like the rest of Beta, only their wars are fought somewhere else. Their inner peace, the calm that they exude sometime is a mark of strength and victory over their demons. I think some types, especially SLE, can understand and appreciate this calm. Other types just see indifference or laziness.
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    I've seen a couple of INFps explode in anger. It usually doesn't last very long if you really listen to what they're saying and point out other info. I don't think INFps are angry people though, and it's usually a misunderstanding or that they feel taken advantage of, or their values are violated.

    For instance, one I was dating a long time ago blew up. He'd invited me to an event and said the tickets were on him, but then bailed out and didn't tell me until last minute. I was mad I could have made other plans. He thought I was mad for a variety of other reasons (that were wrong). He was ranting about all the other reasons, so I just stopped him and was like, um, no. None of those reasons actually. And then it was fine.

    I kind of would prefer to see them blow up and know what they're thinking vs. not, sort of like others have said. Especially when it's easy to calm them down -- since it usually just takes understanding where they're coming from.
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    Quote Originally Posted by krae View Post
    Yeah.

    Sure, just to restate, my post isn't about suppression, it's about making the best out of it, while avoiding looking like an ass - modulating the levels so you can see better when, as you said, to first explain yourself or ask vs getting carried away, further assuming things.
    True, an important skill to have! I would say that IEEs (myself included) are much more likely to "explode" but for short periods of time and I never say insulting/mean things to people. I say basically the same things a calm person would say, but I say them very loudly and with flailing gesturing arms, lol.
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    the IEIs I've known have been dramatic, mysterious, smoldering temptresses.
    Last edited by Banana Pancakes; 08-27-2009 at 08:50 PM.
    ILE-Ti
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    Quote Originally Posted by Banana Pancakes View Post
    the IEIs I've known have been dramatic, mysterious, smoldering temptresses.
    Flattering description. But I'm not sure how many feel this way.
    EII

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