So Gilly's comment about me loving others made me think about something, that is like the EXACT missing ingredient in my life now that I think about it. Cause I always knew how to get loved, but I never really learned how to actually show my love for others. Or allow myself to feel what that's like much. If somebody like irl did something for me I always had a horrible time showing affection and appreciation, my ego always wanted to 'remain the victim' instead, out of self-preservation or something. If I realized I unconditionally loved somebody, I just kinda mumbled it under my breath (or I wrote shit in journals about it and I didn't show it in reality at all) when in reality it meant the world to me and I should have been more honest in my actions based on what I was really feeling inside.
But it doesn't mean that I still can't hate them sometimes or show favorites or be my play the victim self I just have to....kinda let go and show sweetness to them. The windows are breaking open and the mask is lifting, yaaay for discovering our true selves!