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Thread: How would you feel if

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    Someone you considered a VERY good friend suddenly crews you over big time. How would you feel if they told you they are out of the country for business and the tickets for a special live event you both really wanted to attend are too expensive for them anyways so they have decided not to go, just so you later (when you go to the event by yourself) accidentally see them there, sitting in the front row, even gotten themselves a backstage pass somehow etc. You realize they have lied to you and have intentionally been avoiding your calls/messages the last couple of days just so they wouldn't include you in their arrangements, or have to lie to you again. You, on the other hand, were ready (and have offered) to buy them the ticket and would have done anything to go together. But your friend probably prays to God you wouldn't even make it to the event so later they can make up a story about how their plans changed at the last minute and they forgot their cellphone somewhere or some other ridiculously contrived lie to hide their real intentions, and on top of that will boast about how they had a really great time and feel sorry that you couldn't come etc. just so you'd feel envious of them, but still remain "friends".

    How would you face this kind of situation? Would you confront your friend as soon as you see them? Will you instantly break the friendship? Would you even talk to them again? Would realizing what kind of scum you've been having as a friend set you off? Would you feel stupid for trusting and always being there for them?

    (ps. this thread is for ISTPjim who says that SLIs never talk about their
    problems or relationships. )
    Last edited by Park; 07-28-2009 at 03:42 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Winterpark View Post
    Someone you considered a VERY good friend suddenly crews you over big time. How would you feel if they told you they are out of the country for business and the tickets for a special live event you both really wanted to attend are too expensive for them anyways so they have decided not to go, just so you later (when you go to the event by yourself) accidentally see them there, sitting in the front row, even gotten themselves a backstage pass somehow etc. You realize they have lied to you and have intentionally been avoiding your calls/messages the last couple of days just so they wouldn't include you in their arrangements, or have to lie to you again. You, on the other hand, were ready (and have offered) to buy them the ticket and would have done anything to go together. But your friend probably prays to God you wouldn't even make it to the event so later they can make up a story about how their plans changed at the last minute and they forgot their cellphone somewhere or some other ridiculously contrived lie to hide their real intentions, and on top of that will boast about how they had a really great time and feel sorry that you couldn't come etc. just so you'd feel envious of them, but still remain "friends".

    How would you face this kind of situation? What would you do when you next see your friend? Would you confront them about it? Will you break the friendship? Would you even talk to them again? Would realizing what kind of scum you've been having as a friend set you off? Would you feel stupid for trusting and always being there for them?

    (ps. this thread is for ISTPjim who says that SLIs never talk about their
    problems or relationship . )
    I think I'd laugh at them for refusing my offer to pay for the ticket. It doesn't bother me that they got more than I expected them to get, since it wasn't at my expense... though I'd probably take the opportunity later to mock them for avoiding me for no reason. (Yeah, it would be all about how ridiculously illogical the behavior was...)

    (I hope I haven't intruded by posting in a thread meant for SLIs.)



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    Quote Originally Posted by Brilliand View Post
    (I hope I haven't intruded by posting in a thread meant for SLIs.)
    No no, not at all. It's not meant for SLIs or any type in particular. I appreciate your response.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brilliand View Post
    I think I'd laugh at them for refusing my offer to pay for the ticket. It doesn't bother me that they got more than I expected them to get, since it wasn't at my expense...
    The thing is that they got MORE than I got, and that's the whole deal. I really doubt he payed for a ticket, but used people in high positions that he knows for entrance and backstage pass. I was suited in a back row plus didn't manage to get past security to enter the backstage, even though I tried. It would have costed him NOTHING to take me with him, since he knows how much it would have meant for me personally. And the favors I've done for him are just incomparable, and he knows I'd never play him like that and have always been fair, honest and helping.
    Last edited by Park; 07-28-2009 at 04:09 AM.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

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    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Winterpark View Post
    Someone you considered a VERY good friend suddenly crews you over big time. How would you feel if they told you they are out of the country for business and the tickets for a special live event you both really wanted to attend are too expensive for them anyways so they have decided not to go, just so you later (when you go to the event by yourself) accidentally see them there, sitting in the front row, even gotten themselves a backstage pass somehow etc. You realize they have lied to you and have intentionally been avoiding your calls/messages the last couple of days just so they wouldn't include you in their arrangements, or have to lie to you again. You, on the other hand, were ready (and have offered) to buy them the ticket and would have done anything to go together. But your friend probably prays to God you wouldn't even make it to the event so later they can make up a story about how their plans changed at the last minute and they forgot their cellphone somewhere or some other ridiculously contrived lie to hide their real intentions, and on top of that will boast about how they had a really great time and feel sorry that you couldn't come etc. just so you'd feel envious of them, but still remain "friends".

    How would you face this kind of situation? Would you confront your friend as soon as you see them? Will you instantly break the friendship? Would you even talk to them again? Would realizing what kind of scum you've been having as a friend set you off? Would you feel stupid for trusting and always being there for them?

    (ps. this thread is for ISTPjim who says that SLIs never talk about their
    problems or relationships. )
    Wow, WP, that’s pretty horrible.

    I would absolutely confront the person - I would go up to them at the show, say hello, and let them stammer through their made-up explanation right then and there. I wouldn’t make a big scene, but I would make it clear that they did something crappy and that I’m aware of it and hurt/angry. And if that ruins the show for them, good.

    As far as whether I’d be friends with them afterwards, probably not... maaaybe, if they came to me and apologized and I believed them [doubtful], but after that it would be nowhere near the way it had been.

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    I would teach them a lesson by affecting them with the opinions of people they DID value - by telling all of their friends what they did...use their lack of care about me against them.
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    For me, the friendship would be gone and if I was forced to speak to that person again it would be small awkward chitchat for all of a minute.

    That person would be so far out of my inner sphere that I'd forget they even exist most of the time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Winterpark View Post
    How would you face this kind of situation?
    My feelings would probably get hurt, but that's OK. I would face that kind of situation with resignation and passivity.

    Would you confront your friend as soon as you see them?
    No.

    Would you even talk to them again?
    Yeah, but only on their initiative.

    Would realizing what kind of scum you've been having as a friend set you off?
    It would make me docile.

    Would you feel stupid for trusting and always being there for them?
    Yes.

    Interesting. Last week my feelings got hurt in a similar way. For some time I entertained an idea of revenge. You see, i know a bulletproof method how to revenge myself regarding this specific case. The idea is extremely capable of ruining that persons life(mine too, 'cause it could earn me a ticket to hell). Luckily enough, i abandoned the idea.
    Last edited by Trevor; 07-28-2009 at 06:51 AM.

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    I'd probably be really confused why they were there. I think at first I might even go up to them to figure it out (I would prob first assume they hadn't meant to blow me off -- and crazy plan changes do happen sometimes...like what if their work trip was cancelled and there was some other reason they ended up there (like what if they had to go to work to entertain clients and that explained the excellent seats/back stage passes) -- or what if they were being polite about turning down the ticket purchase because they weren't doing well financially and didn't want to take a gift they couldn't pay you back for, etc...I have an attitude of "who knows" sometimes). So I might email them later to give them an easier way to tell me the truth. Then if i realized they had blown me off, I would be extremely hurt. But the way I see Fi, I have this attitude that I really am not responsible for other people's attitudes towards me, so if they want to lower me on their Fi hierarchy for some reason I don't know about, that's up to them. I've certainly done it plenty of times w/ my own friendships. So if they want me out of their life, I can deal w/ that and will just go quickly. I'd rather not have friends who aren't actually friends, you know?
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    Quote Originally Posted by songofsappho View Post
    Wow, WP, that’s pretty horrible.

    I would absolutely confront the person - I would go up to them at the show, say hello, and let them stammer through their made-up explanation right then and there. I wouldn’t make a big scene, but I would make it clear that they did something crappy and that I’m aware of it and hurt/angry. And if that ruins the show for them, good.

    As far as whether I’d be friends with them afterwards, probably not... maaaybe, if they came to me and apologized and I believed them [doubtful], but after that it would be nowhere near the way it had been.
    That's close to my take on it, except I don't know if I'd actually talk to them on the spot -- I might decide to wait until I'm more calm, so call them, e-mail them etc.

    As for Winterpark's last questions: yes I'd feel stupid, but rather than "break the friendship", it would be more of a realization, as in, "they were never my friends in the first place".
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    Depends on how good was the friendship before the event. If it was really good, I'd later ask them if there was a reason why they wanted me not to be there; if it's a good reason, then it's fine, if it's a bad reason, I might reconsider a bit the friendship, but not too much if it was strong before.
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    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    I'd probably be really confused why they were there. I think at first I might even go up to them to figure it out (I would prob first assume they hadn't meant to blow me off -- and crazy plan changes do happen sometimes...like what if their work trip was cancelled and there was some other reason they ended up there (like what if they had to go to work to entertain clients and that explained the excellent seats/back stage passes) -- or what if they were being polite about turning down the ticket purchase because they weren't doing well financially and didn't want to take a gift they couldn't pay you back for, etc...I have an attitude of "who knows" sometimes). So I might email them later to give them an easier way to tell me the truth. Then if i realized they had blown me off, I would be extremely hurt. But the way I see Fi, I have this attitude that I really am not responsible for other people's attitudes towards me, so if they want to lower me on their Fi hierarchy for some reason I don't know about, that's up to them. I've certainly done it plenty of times w/ my own friendships. So if they want me out of their life, I can deal w/ that and will just go quickly. I'd rather not have friends who aren't actually friends, you know?
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    Not sure. I don't have so close friendships that I would care much. I'm not emotionally involved in my friendships.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Expat View Post
    As for Winterpark's last questions: yes I'd feel stupid, but rather than "break the friendship", it would be more of a realization, as in, "they were never my friends in the first place".
    +1.

    I'd probably not speak to him again, at least not until he made the effort to clear the air. In my view, I already went out of my way to include him plus he knows what he's already told me - in fact, he had to know there was a good possibility that I would see him at the concert. Either his actions are already the message he was sending, or else the ball's in his court to fix the situation he created.
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    Quote Originally Posted by iAnnAu View Post
    +1.

    I'd probably not speak to him again, at least not until he made the effort to clear the air. In my view, I already went out of my way to include him plus he knows what he's already told me - in fact, he had to know there was a good possibility that I would see him at the concert. Either his actions are already the message he was sending, or else the ball's in his court to fix the situation he created.
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    You guys are so calm and collected in your response to this, waiting until "things are not so heated" to confront said person. "Maybe he had a good reason." Just reading WP's post got me pissed off . If I were WP, I would have gone to said person at the actual concert in front of everybody, asked him "hey what are you doing here? " (giving the benefit of the doubt) and if it's obvious that he was screwing me over on purpose I would make sure to make it a memorable night by saying "well FUCK YOU!!" and leaving him there, ruining his night like he did mine. People learn more from their mistakes if it's something memorable, and I don't see it as "revenge" to really let him know that what he did hurt you and the friendship. I'm not really forgiving about people screwing me over bigtime, especially if they are good friends. Of course it depends on the level of friendship. If it's not such a good friend I would probably not say anything and accept that I'm just not that good of a friend to them.

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    sereno, I might respond like that depending on the circumstances. But the things is, I know a lot of people who have to travel for work at the drop of a hat, no warning. And their flights are always getting delayed/cancelled, etc too. And I have a lot of friends who get last-minute invites to really cool events/concerts/plays etc for work. So you put all that together and it seems totally possible that a situation like that could happen.

    However, if they never travelled for work, had a regular job where they got no invites, etc., then I would probably be more instantly pissed off.
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    I dunno, seems like a weird situation. There could be a lot of reasons for it. If it is a good friend and his plans changed id imagine he would call me, however maybe he has other reasons? Like for instance he wanted to go with some girl or to go with a group of people where there is a girl he likes. Maybe he made plans before with someone else but didnt want to join me in as it would made him uncomfortable for one reason or another.

    Either way I wouldn't jump to final conclusions just at that point but I would surely be hurt/confused. Either way I would probably invite him for a few beers or so at some other day. If he would refuse to go out or would find some excuse I would probably think something is deffo wrong and would wait for him to show any signs of interest. If however he would accept I would try to find out what new in his life and if anything is bugging him. If I would find out something that could be related to the event I might even leave it at that and ignore the fact he lied to me, but more likely I would still tell him I saw him and see what he says.

    Aaaaand that just one of the possible ways I would go about it (although most probable).

    Maybe I would just say screw you and be on my way.

    Or maybe I would confront him there and then. Would depend on the mood/person.

    Or maybe I would go all emo and cry (although least likely).
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    For me, going up to them at the moment I see them wouldn't be because I'm overly angry; obviously I would be upset, but I don't visibly lose my temper often and I doubt I would in the event this happened. I would make sure to stay outwardly calm - much more effective that way.

    The reasons I would go right up to them are so they know then and there that I'm aware of what they did, they don't have the opportunity to polish their story [which, if they're telling the truth, won't be a problem] or time think over their response [as they could w, say, email], and if they deceived me I want their night to be a little bit darker because they know that I know. But as far as yelling at them, it's not something I would do.

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    Quote Originally Posted by songofsappho View Post
    For me, going up to them at the moment I see them wouldn't be because I'm overly angry; obviously I would be upset, but I don't lose my temper often and I doubt I would in the event this happened. I would make sure to stay outwardly calm - much more effective that way.

    The reasons I would go right up to them are so they know then and there that I'm aware of what they did, they don't have the opportunity to polish their story [which, if they're telling the truth, won't be a problem] or time think over their response [as they could w, say, email], and if they deceived me I want their night to be a little bit darker because they know that I know. But as far as yelling at them, it's not something I would do.
    I doubt I'd be able to control it much, haha. Thing is, I'm not someone that gets angry often, so when I do get really angry, I have a hard time controlling it... The least thing I would be thinking in a moment when I perceive someone screwing me over, who happens to be close to me, is to not hurt their feelings or ruin their night. I don't like hurting people and usually take the necessary precautions to avoid doing it, but when a certain hurt level towards me is reached, I could really care less.

    It really depends on the person, and how you understand their "ways." There are some people, like my IEE friend, who I would forgive more willingly in events like this because I know that they just did not mean to do it, and will definitely feel bad once they know what it caused.

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    I wouldn't assume that he was intentionally trying to ditch me, as there could be any number of reasonable explanations for his presence at the live event, whether or not I can imagine what they are at the moment.

    However, it would cause me to be uncertain as to the status of our friendship. Does he not want to hang out with me anymore? Is this whole thing some kind of sitcom-esque misunderstanding? So I wouldn't call him or initiate contact in any way. If he still wants to be friends, he'll call eventually, and explain what happened. If not, I'd write him off and move on. These things happen.

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    I would either:
    1: confront them and reveal them as scum, thoroughly bitching them out, if I didnt really like them
    2: confront them and tell them I didnt really care and to leave me alone if I sort of liked them
    3: Say nothing and feel bad about it if I really liked them, and probably passively let them know and then get a 'fuck off' in there somewhere
    Last edited by crazedrat; 07-29-2009 at 05:14 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Winterpark View Post
    Someone you considered a VERY good friend suddenly crews you over big time. How would you feel if they told you they are out of the country for business and the tickets for a special live event you both really wanted to attend are too expensive for them anyways so they have decided not to go, just so you later (when you go to the event by yourself) accidentally see them there, sitting in the front row, even gotten themselves a backstage pass somehow etc. You realize they have lied to you and have intentionally been avoiding your calls/messages the last couple of days just so they wouldn't include you in their arrangements, or have to lie to you again. You, on the other hand, were ready (and have offered) to buy them the ticket and would have done anything to go together. But your friend probably prays to God you wouldn't even make it to the event so later they can make up a story about how their plans changed at the last minute and they forgot their cellphone somewhere or some other ridiculously contrived lie to hide their real intentions, and on top of that will boast about how they had a really great time and feel sorry that you couldn't come etc. just so you'd feel envious of them, but still remain "friends".

    How would you face this kind of situation? Would you confront your friend as soon as you see them? Will you instantly break the friendship? Would you even talk to them again? Would realizing what kind of scum you've been having as a friend set you off? Would you feel stupid for trusting and always being there for them?

    (ps. this thread is for ISTPjim who says that SLIs never talk about their
    problems or relationships. )
    I might be shocked and hurt, but I'd know that persons feelings toward me, and know that we obviously need some time alone, and maybe later we'll be good friends again. I hate rushing to conclusions on subjects I can do nothing about. Just give it some time, because although it might seem like they're acting against you, it's likely only because they need time to readjust. and if not, you never had to trouble yourself.

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    My reaction would either to walk up to him and say, "Hi, I thought you said you couldn't make it. Did you enjoy it?" or I would wait and next I saw him I would say, "I had a great time at the concert, shame you couldn't make it." Or something else to that effect. But I have had enough experiences with public scenes over impoliteness to know not to show that you are pissed, mad or something else.
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    Quote Originally Posted by songofsappho View Post
    Wow, WP, that’s pretty horrible.

    I would absolutely confront the person - I would go up to them at the show, say hello, and let them stammer through their made-up explanation right then and there. I wouldn’t make a big scene, but I would make it clear that they did something crappy and that I’m aware of it and hurt/angry. And if that ruins the show for them, good.

    As far as whether I’d be friends with them afterwards, probably not... maaaybe, if they came to me and apologized and I believed them [doubtful], but after that it would be nowhere near the way it had been.
    That's what I did. I confronted him there right after the show, and he acted as if nothing's happened. I reminded him what he said and he started stammering nonsense, said he came back just the day before, how someone called him at the last minute etc trying to instantly change the subject (which is what he always does when he doesn't want to give a straight answer). I called him a lying dick and asked him why he did that and if he thinks I deserved it and he kept smiling and shifting the subject in another direction (as if he hasn't heard me), trying to avoid any direct confrontation. I asked him if he could help me get backstage and he only said "no, they won't let you" but then started bragging about the autographs he got... I interrupted him and told him not to waste any more time with me, he asked me whether I came by car and if I was with someone else, I answered him briefly and told him something along the lines of "wow man, I can't believe you could be such a shameless moron, look at yourself..." and he was gone before I could say anything else.

    I was really surprised and couldn't believe how someone (particularly someone you considered extremely close) can act like that, and remain unashamed and indifferent.

    Quote Originally Posted by Khola View Post
    I would teach them a lesson by affecting them with the opinions of people they DID value - by telling all of their friends what they did...use their lack of care about me against them.
    Oh yes, I already told some people and will not hesitate spreading the word to anyone, especially his acquaintances.

    Quote Originally Posted by Expat View Post
    As for Winterpark's last questions: yes I'd feel stupid, but rather than "break the friendship", it would be more of a realization, as in, "they were never my friends in the first place".
    With some little retrospect, that's the exact realization I got. I've been aware of his selfish and highly manipulative character, but somehow managed to look through all that because of the friendly act he puts on, and despite the shitty way he treats other people with for some reason I thought he'd never be like that towards "me" because of "my" attitude towards him. But now I realize that he's only been nice to me and has been putting on a facade because of self interest and cupidity.

    An interesting thing that just occurred to me is that another friend of mine has always warned me and said he didn't like this guy and the idea of me being friends with him that much.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post
    I'm with Jewel. Slow down. Maybe it was a last minute change. Just ask first, then dump his backstage arse.
    I know him well enough to know it was not just a last minute change and that he's been intentionally avoiding my calls/msgs. It has happened before, only this time it was TOO obvious and I caught him in the act. He's an ass and I've been extremely tolerant and stupid.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ssmall View Post
    I dunno, seems like a weird situation. There could be a lot of reasons for it. If it is a good friend and his plans changed id imagine he would call me, however maybe he has other reasons? Like for instance he wanted to go with some girl or to go with a group of people where there is a girl he likes. Maybe he made plans before with someone else but didnt want to join me in as it would made him uncomfortable for one reason or another.
    He could've answered my calls or responded to my messages. I wouldn't be mad or insulted if he made separate plans but was upfront about them. But he'd rather lie and hide and be a two-faced wuss than tell the truth to my face.
    Last edited by Park; 07-30-2009 at 04:25 PM.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

  26. #26
    redbaron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aixelsyd View Post
    I would get the message that this person wants nothing to do with me, act like nothing happened, but I would not voluntarily interact with this person again.
    this.
    IEI-Fe 4w3

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    "How embarrassing!" would be my main reaction. You felt you had to go to all this trouble just to avoid spending time with me? Erm .. why? I'd let them know I was there to give them an opportunity to explain things. If they didn't, I'd just let it go and stop initiating.

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