Go nuts people.
"So I'm sitting here, listening to my new George CD and trying to take the world in.
Life is so strange. Really it is.
This time a year ago my life was totally different, and sometimes I wonder if I'm going forwards or backwards, but I move nonetheless I suppose. I take it all in, so hopefully I have learned from all of my experiences.
Yesterday was a big one. This week was tumultuous. This year has indeed been one of transition, to what I'm not sure yet. Lately it feels as if a normal day would be akin to a deep pool in the desert. They are usually mirages when they do appear
I feel like I have died sometimes, and yet I am still here, the world still turns, I pinch myself and I'm alive and living this. And some days I cry. I've had days where I've cried all day alone. And I realise it gets me nowhere, and pick myself up again. But there is adventure to be had in such a life. So much self-discovery, learning of new passions, so much left unwritten. In many ways I have been offered a new life, simply by not living what was paved before me. I don't know where I go from here. It means anything can happen. Any wonderful thing. I can plan for something previously unimagined.
Spending this time off and away from everything has given me more insight to myself. I know who I want to be, I know what I love, and what matters more than I used to know, even if I have lost a lot. I have that to be thankful for. People still look at me and judge by what they hear. Sometimes it hurts, but rarely is it true. In the past I would feel panicked, enraged, wronged, alone. Now, it still hurts, but I will not fight. I know who I am, and I know that the people who spend time with me value me, and this is all that matters. While others sour and scrutinise, I will focus on the positives, even if it fucking sucks and I want to scream. And for a while I will still feel that hurt, that rage, but with patience it seems to dissipate. That has been wonderful to learn and experience.
I throw my passion into my art, into helping people and beyond that I simply focus on other things. And I believe there is good in everyone, and that grudges are not worth holding forever. If I think that there is good in someone and their attacks are simply circumstantial and based on rumour, I am truly free, and hopefully so are they. People can always grow.
So tonight I feel like somewhat of an empty shell, but I suppose that leaves plenty of space for new and wonderful things to fill such a space to rent. This stage in my life is precisely that. It might suck sometimes, but it is going to leave me strong for all the good stages to come. Bring it on hey? "