Of loneliness and disconnection

[Khola aka Bee]

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[ArchonAlarion]

Twiddling my thumbs awkwardly on the opposite side of the spectrum, I can't relate to what he's doing...

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[Khola aka Bee]

Hmmm. I dunno. *head explodes*

[Mattie]

I definitely understand your want for that bond! I have felt before, not in such a serious situation, but where I felt like if I said exactly how I felt, it would only distance him. It's a trying situation, but you have to find the point of how much you can take. When/where is the point that the happiness of being with him is not worth containing yourself anymore? I think, as well, you could make little baby steps towards revealing your feelings instead of showing it all at once. Maybe you can share with him that you don't need him to conform to past examples of relationships? You want what you have now, but with total honesty?

[Khola aka Bee]

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[Mattie]

Hopefully it works out, but remember that you have you to look after! Things wouldn't be the same if he noticed you get more irritated or stressed and couldn't figure out why.

[Khola aka Bee]

Ok, this. This is how I feel.
Lyrics --> CRAZY TOWN LYRICS - Black Cloud

[calenwen]

Aw, I'm sorry. I feel for you in this situation. I hate to say it, but...

So he's decided that we're FWB, and that means he's single and happy.

That kind of stood out to me as the "punchline."

Do all of you feel the need for such a link? I feel so incomplete right now, as if I just want to provide this mental equilibrium for him, this safe place in our emotions, and I somehow shouldn't. Is this type related, and if so what does it pertain to?

It's human nature to search for deep meaningful connections and relations with other people. It looks like it isn't the right time or place for this guy, but it's perfectly natural to want a link like that especially if you are sexually involved. See THIS for more info.

[Khola aka Bee]

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[Khola aka Bee]

Aw, I'm sorry. I feel for you in this situation. I hate to say it, but...



That kind of stood out to me as the "punchline."



It's human nature to search for deep meaningful connections and relations with other people. It looks like it isn't the right time or place for this guy, but it's perfectly natural to want a link like that especially if you are sexually involved. See THIS for more info.

I'm fairly sure my Te-PoLR just took a fatal blow And I hate that you are probably correct.

[munenori2]

Oh, where do I start? I don't know really. I think I just want to express myself, something I'm mulling over, perhaps get some other perspectives, see if it feel the same for others here?

So, I'm in a relationship of sorts. We're close friends, we have been for a while. We've both been burned in the past. He seems to think he's happier single, I think as a result. It's as if he makes the connection of times where he was unhappy in his past and immediately affixes that solely to his relationship status, and it isn't good. So he's decided that we're FWB, and that means he's single and happy. But the thing is, we're extremely close, we care about each other, we talk every day and we're mutually exclusive...on top of the "benefits".

So where am I left? I'm left in an extremely awkward position, where I have completely fallen for this guy, but I'm completely uncomfortable with our level of physical closeness and openness around others, and at times even on our own.

There are times (very few, but so important) where I really just need a close connection to someone, a strong romantic bond. I'm not talking about dinner at a restaurant or some other inane "couply" bullshit, I mean that romantic closeness. It feels there at times, but it's as if he's withholding due to fear, or the idea that it "isn't what's best for him, isn't part of his life plan". I want to be able to drop by and it not be weird for people. I want to be able to spend more close affectionate time around him and not mask it up in sex.

I want to be allowed to love him, because I really do, and right now I'm hating it, because I feel like loving him is something that will hurt him, as if I've done wrong by him by feeling this way, and yet the feeling is not something within my control.

Most of the time I'm fine, but it builds. Eventually I'll end up in tears, and he'll be really worried about me, hold me, but I won't explain it. I'm too afraid of what it could mean. I'm afraid it could push him away entirely.

Do all of you feel the need for such a link? I feel so incomplete right now, as if I just want to provide this mental equilibrium for him, this safe place in our emotions, and I somehow shouldn't. Is this type related, and if so what does it pertain to?

FWIW, he's a pretty blatant ILE-Ti. Is this intentional level of disconnect with a much deeper underlying care something that I should come to expect? He seems focused on not wanting to end up a stereotype as well, as if us being an official couple will lead into other social-norm related expectations. I just want to be happy with him and within myself, I don't give a crap about what to expect beyond that, but I do want to make things official.

How do I make sense of this? How can each of these emotional reactions be explained? How can I heal this damage on both sides? Is it a type thing? What do I do to make it better? I'm in too deep to give up on him, and yet within that and his actions, he has become my captor. Help?

Oh Bee, you poor thing.

There's nothing at all wrong with the way you're feeling. You're an awesome person and, if this guy means that much to you, I'm sure he must be pretty fantastic too, but it doesn't sound like the way things are going can continue for much longer. No, I'm not suggesting jumping ship!

The only thing that seems to be getting in his way are his beliefs about a lot of stuff, not how he feels about you from the sound of it. Beliefs about what a relationship is, what it entails, and what that means for his life. Some of that has to do with his experience getting hurt, and a whole lot more about what he thinks a relationship based off of what passes for 'normal'.

Now this is the part where I give bad advice. You might find a way to help him figure out if that's the way he really would like to think about it, whether his beliefs about this part of his life stand to make him happy in the end, or if there's something more he feels is missing and upending his beliefs about it to fit the relationship he can handle and actually wants to be a part of. Something he chooses that doesn't involve any preconceived notions or expectations. Just letting it be what it is without losing the parts of a relationship he does want for himself. Letting it grow without so much judging of it. Overthinking kills!

That's something you can't force anyone to do, but it's also something hard as hell, sometimes scary as hell, to face. And this is where I'm going to stop on that. It could easily scare him away, but at the same time I wouldn't let your fear of losing him being the thing that stands in your way of being happy either.

I probably shouldn't say any of this, but when I see someone like this I want to try to help, and the little voice that tells me I 'should do' this or 'shouldn't do' that sounds less and less like me and more like something I've been told to believe (which is totally neither here nor there as far as this topic is concerned!).

EDIT:
Bee

[calenwen]

I'm fairly sure my Te-PoLR just took a fatal blow And I hate that you are probably correct.

FWIW, I really hope that you can happily resolve this situation, because you seem to really care about him. Unfortunately, the two of you seem to have conflicting ideas concerning expectations/status/future implications, which are usually pretty tough issues to resolve. I don't mean to be all negative, but I can't help but approach these things realistically. :/

[Brilliand]

Well, if you have to do something that might scare him away, make it something that allows him to understand the situation well enough to come back if he realizes his need. Make how he feels conscious... if what he's afraid of is himself, where can he run from that?

Oh, and Vero might be able to relate to his position, or at least to the background that makes the situation so precarious... she'll probably happen by this thread at some point.

[Khola aka Bee]

Thanks you two

[tiny_dancer]

I have an IEI friend who was in the same situation with an ILE. They were basically a couple, but he was vehemently opposed to getting married. Eventually she decided to stop massacring herself and put her foot down. She told him she couldn't see him any more because she wanted more than he did. So she quit talking to him. And several months later he came around and said he was being a dumbass and he didn't want to give up his relationship with her. So he moved up here and they're living together and I must say he made the right choice. He WAS being a dumbass. lol Perhaps at some point something similar might be a good course of action.

[Khola aka Bee]

That's kinda nice to know. <3