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Thread: Is ISTp an antonym for reciprocation?

  1. #1

    Default Is ISTp an antonym for reciprocation?

    Okay, I can't take it anymore. I'm going to have to post... (yes, about someone I am dating)... and yes, she's obviously and ISTp.

    We have only gone out a few times. The first few were pretty good, then all of a sudden things got weird. I think it got weird right around a week when I had to cancel our plans... but I'm not sure if that's why things got weird.

    At first she always picked up the phone when I called (which was like once a week). Then she stopped answering her phone. I would call maybe three times (once a day, three days in a row) before she would call back. When she did return my call, she politely appologized and we made plans for the weekend.... I sometimes have issues answering my phone, so I didn't think anything of it.

    The situation repeated this week. I had not called her in ~1 week? She finally returned my call and I asked her if she wanted to get coffee today. We both had busy schedules, so I told her to call me at 1 and we would play it from there. She had not called at 1:30 so I call her, I get her voice message.... All I wanted to know is if I should start making myself lunch.

    I get this weird impression that she is affraid to talk to me or something. It's not like she's hurting my feelings. I ust don't understand why she can't simply call and say she can't do anything. It's just common courtesy... see, an INTj even knows that.

    Anyways, I need to confront her (should I?), and I need to know the best way to do it. She seems to get nervous when I ask her indepth questions. By in depth I mean "what interests you". I guess she feels like I'm putting her on the spot. She has a burrier that I am unable to penetrate. Its starting to get to me... nothing will progress if she doesn't at least sometimes give me a taste of what she's like.

    I would just ask her point blank "What do you think about me," but I don't think she would like that too much.

    Sorry about the long post. I know it's kind of choppy... ask questions on whatever you find unclear. Thanks.
    INTj
    "... the present is too much for the senses, too crowding, too confusing, too present to imagine" - RF

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    jessica129's Avatar
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    The same thing basically happened in my relationship. My boyfriend was always the one picking up the phone until one day he had enough and snapped at me for being so 'cold'. I was shocked, I just didn't think it was necessary to talk to him everyday...and to be blunt, I really didn't want to. Not that I didn't like him, I just despise phones and see no point to them unless they're to confirm dates and what not. So maybe she really doesn't see what she's doing is a problem, maybe you need to tell her. I had no idea I was sending off the wrong vibes by not calling. Now after that incident, I make a point to get in touch with him one way or the other everyday...it seems to have worked.

    You're not asking for much, if she's being that distant, you need to either move on or tell her you need her to contact you more. And oh yeah, don't ask open-ended questions!!! I avoid those like the plague.

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    My ISTp husband avoids calling people on the phone as if it put his life in danger. Being a strong E myself, this does not and never did really bother me. I was perfectly happy to be the phone caller. But you are both Is and maybe that's part of it. Also, if my husband's mind gets working on issue A (something else) he completely forgets about anything else (say me for instance.) This got better the longer we were together as he got more comfortable with me and I got more used to what to expect.

    I wouldn't assume it means lack of interest.

    And ISTps hate talking about their feelings - that's why she doesn't like answering those kinds of questions.
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  4. #4

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    Thanks for the responses. I think I just needed some "this is normal" kind of reassurance. I'm not very big on the phone myself, so I DO usually only call to arrange dates and that sort of thing. I just want a response when I actually do make an effort to call. This week I wanted to call for the soul purpose of keeping in touch. Since we didn't go out last weekend, I didn't want things to get too distant.

    For the record, the reason I tried calling her more than once was because she didn't answer the first time. It wasn't because that's how often I wanted to talk. Maybe I'm silly, but I don't want to give the impression that I'm a needy, everyday, phone caller.

    She actually did return my call from earlier today So I kinda felt like an ass for even posting. But I think it was helpful none the less.

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    And oh yeah, don't ask open-ended questions!!! I avoid those like the plague.
    If you don't mind me asking, why do you avoid open-ended questions? Perhapse this question is too open-ended? j/k


    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    So maybe she really doesn't see what she's doing is a problem, maybe you need to tell her.
    I made a comment about it yesterday. It was more like an insinuation; yet it was obvious enough for her to get the point (I think).

    Quote Originally Posted by Nicky
    This got better the longer we were together as he got more comfortable with me and I got more used to what to expect.
    Yeah, I can definitely see this. It's actually one of the cooler things about our relationship.
    INTj
    "... the present is too much for the senses, too crowding, too confusing, too present to imagine" - RF

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    Topaz's Avatar
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    Most ISTPs I know are like that. They usually dont try to reach out much. They like it when I ask them to go somewhere or do something but if you wait for them to reach out you might as well forget it. Even when you do reach out to them the response will not always be positive. They just dont require much interaction I guess. Im always afraid of loosing our rapport because it takes time to build it up when someone is different from you. If you dont share enough experiences and especially if one doesnt like to talk about themselves then conversations can become boring or too formal and stiff. This is one of the greatest hurdles I see for ISTPs developing initmate relationships. They commonly unplug the phone, dont answer calls, dont answer doors, leave early, disappear for unspecified periods of time. They hate to explain themselves. One ISTP I know will usually respond to an e-mail, or phone call within three weeks or so. Other than all that, when they are there they are totally cool.

    Topaz
    The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

  6. #6
    Creepy-pokeball

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    Theyre fairly good 1 on 1. Well, whatever you do, dont use confrontation with them.

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    she's married and she's seeing you on the side
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicky
    My ISTp husband avoids calling people on the phone as if it put his life in danger.
    All ISTp's seem to be like this with phones, I really avoid phoning people usless I have to, hurray for the text message . I think its to do with not being able to see the body language and facial expressions of the the person your talking to, ISTp's are said to be in tune with this kind of thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jadae
    Theyre fairly good 1 on 1. Well, whatever you do, dont use confrontation with them.
    I must agree, 1 on 1 situatuions are great, people become more sincere and easier to talk to when its 1 on 1, it feels like there is somehow preassure to be a certain way, talk only about certain things and agree etc with certain things in groups of people, and people attack you/confront you fairly freely if you dont, 1 on 1 this goes away and its easier to just be yourself.
    If you confront an ISTp, especially if you do it in a fairly aggressive way expect them to try and get away from it in someway, its a painful thing for the ISTp, so you may not see them for a while if they think your going to be like that a lot.
    Friendly ISTp
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    Flower's motto: Life's too short even to do the things you want to, let alone the things you dont!!

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    Group situations with people are very different than one on one unfortunately. Some people act different trying to impress the others around... It kinda makes me sick. I would rather participate in a one on one convo.
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    I thought whether somebody knows me IRL has found me posting around here and complained what s/he doesn't like about me...

    I avoid both giving and getting a call as long as possible, and I couldn't check on the mailbox of my student account habitually.
    I think I was seized by a feeling that there might be something slanderous or bleming, without reasons, or troublesome news. But now I only have chance to have a call, and I have no acquaintance knows my number. So there may be a different and more essential reason. I guess it's concerned with weak .
    ex-nameless ixtp
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nessy
    I thought whether somebody knows me IRL has found me posting around here and complained what s/he doesn't like about me...

    I avoid both giving and getting a call as long as possible, and I couldn't check on the mailbox of my student account habitually.
    I think I was seized by a feeling that there might be something slanderous or bleming, without reasons, or troublesome news. But now I only have chance to have a call, and I have no acquaintance knows my number. So there may be a different and more essential reason. I guess it's concerned with weak .
    Does it bother you when no one calls or stops by to see you? Do you feel like no one cares or misses you? Sometimes Im reluctant to call people myself, Im not sure why. I dont mind calling people but I mostly like them to call me. I usually dont expect a call from an ISTP and I dont mind calling them or dropping by, but if they seem to distant and cool then I will give up (for a time). Ive noticed with some ISTPs that they try to manage their relationships so that no one is too close or far. This is why they can seem moody. They dont want anyone too close and all over them but they dont want to be all alone so they send off mixed signals rather like and ENFP but ENFPs are far more skillfull at it It seems to me that ISTPs will not call but rather show up at a place where they know you will be if they want to contact you. They dont mind talking so much to people they have no emotional investment in ironically. None of Delta like to be seen as needy esp the ISTP. Interestingly also is that ISTPs are much more open in writing ie. e-mail, msn, forums etc. Some ISTPs will give the impression that they could disappear for good at any time. This might be a subconcious strategy to keep ENFPs on their toes and from taking them for granted. These are just my observations. Comments are welcome

    Topaz
    The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Topaz
    Interestingly also is that ISTPs are much more open in writing ie. e-mail, msn, forums etc.
    lol, I have a couple of friends who I talk to on msn who said this exact thing recently, when they see me the next day after talking online they have said 'are you ok' or 'whats wrong', when nothing is wrong at all, I must come across a lot less open IRL. Somehow online it's easier to be open and say things that I would be a little apprehensive about saying IRL, it's less intimidating or embarassing or something.

    Silly ISTp's, hehe :wink:
    Friendly ISTp
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    Flower's motto: Life's too short even to do the things you want to, let alone the things you dont!!

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    http://the16types.info/forums/viewtopic.php?t=3669

    What I've said can be concerned about showing/having anger too, I thought later.
    Show anger and get trouble, or anger after trouble. Anyway they both same about getting trouble and anger.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Topaz
    Most ISTPs I know are like that. They usually dont try to reach out much. They like it when I ask them to go somewhere or do something but if you wait for them to reach out you might as well forget it. Even when you do reach out to them the response will not always be positive. They just dont require much interaction I guess. Im always afraid of loosing our rapport because it takes time to build it up when someone is different from you. If you dont share enough experiences and especially if one doesnt like to talk about themselves then conversations can become boring or too formal and stiff. This is one of the greatest hurdles I see for ISTPs developing initmate relationships. They commonly unplug the phone, dont answer calls, dont answer doors, leave early, disappear for unspecified periods of time. They hate to explain themselves. One ISTP I know will usually respond to an e-mail, or phone call within three weeks or so. Other than all that, when they are there they are totally cool.
    lol sounds like me.

    however, does the ISTp feel that you lose rapport and that you are too different from him?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ms. Kensington
    Quote Originally Posted by Topaz
    Most ISTPs I know are like that. They usually dont try to reach out much. They like it when I ask them to go somewhere or do something but if you wait for them to reach out you might as well forget it. Even when you do reach out to them the response will not always be positive. They just dont require much interaction I guess. Im always afraid of loosing our rapport because it takes time to build it up when someone is different from you. If you dont share enough experiences and especially if one doesnt like to talk about themselves then conversations can become boring or too formal and stiff. This is one of the greatest hurdles I see for ISTPs developing initmate relationships. They commonly unplug the phone, dont answer calls, dont answer doors, leave early, disappear for unspecified periods of time. They hate to explain themselves. One ISTP I know will usually respond to an e-mail, or phone call within three weeks or so. Other than all that, when they are there they are totally cool.
    lol sounds like me.

    however, does the ISTp feel that you lose rapport and that you are too different from him?
    I think so. ISTPs are a suspicious bunch and the passing of time makes them distrustful of even their good relationships. They may wonder if the person feels the same even when they parted on good terms. They are usually vigilant to betrayal, rejection or dishonesty. They stand poised to cut their losses and move on if necessary. Once contact is resumed they will hold off a bit until they see its OK and then relax and begin again. There is a lot of room for missunderstanding and feelings of rejection to creep in from both sides if you do not understand this type of person. Only a very sincere, patient and insightful person can be with an ISTP for a long time. (IMO) You would probably have to have plenty of outside interest and independence too because they dont like clingy, needy people, which is another weird thing because when they switch to their nurturing side (they can flip back and forth) they may encourage others to rely on them only to pull the rug from underneath the unsuspecting fool and disapear .
    I think after living with an ISTP for a while (If you get pass the challenge of fear and acceptance) you will clearly see that ISTPs may retract but not really go that far. They are actually in daily life quite habitual. Their world is usually not very large nor are their associations. Then it becomes quite easy to see what they want and dont want and what they will do and wont do without them having to explain themselves. I think this is why ISTPs value their long standing relationships so much such as family and relatives and schoolmates that they have let into their lives. Its so much easier than trying to meet new people and relate to them and risk all that missunderstanding. So ENFPs and all you would be ISTP lovers you have been warned. Stay young, stay hungry.

    Topaz
    The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

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