Pickiness in choosing a significant other

[Creepy-]

Obviously a person of any type may be picky, and a person of any type may be indiscriminate due to all kinds of non-socionics-related factors...

BUT

... assuming all people in the world were psychologically healthy and unstifled by life circumstances, would some types tend towards pickiness in choosing a significant other more than others?

[Simon Ssmall]

Id assume ENFp's would be sort of pickyish at least. Forseeing problems and always seeing potential in other partners can make ENFp's not only picky but also fickle. Problem I guess is with the description of the word "picky", im not sure what it implies, because I'd say ENFp's would be very picky with choosing someone to be with for life but not so much to start a relationship with, after all it takes a bit of time to see how the relationship would evolve in the future and you start with 0 knowledge about a person.

[Creepy-male]

I think when I polled the Delta squad, there was a high preference for Pragmatic love.

I anticipate Alphas having a strong tendency towards Erotic.

[Simon Ssmall]

Do you think it would imply that Delta would not be picky and Alfa picky? My real life shows that ISFp's I know are not picky at all and have a lot of patience to be with almost anyone. ENTp's I know are weird in that regard, they are not picky at all id say in terms of appearance, not sure how picky they are in terms of character. But they don't exactly work with a "relationship" in mind to begin with, I saw more than once how one ENTp would say that marriage is useless and family is pointless with a girl on his lap .

Dont know rationals well so cant really comment.

Anyway those are people from my real life, im not sure I can talk from a theoretical point of view regarding socionics as im not good at it to begin with, i can only lend examples.

[Creepy-male]

Actually, the other way 'round, Ssmall. I think Deltas are going to be the choosiest quadra, since the STs want stable relationships and the NFs are perpetually in a grassisgreener mindframe (though how EII Ones approach this, I'm not sure?)

Whereas, I suppose, Alpha irrationals sort of expect turmoil and just hook up with whoever gives them good Fe.

As an Alpha rational, I would say, I'm very picky... but only in my mind! I think ESEs are naturally inclined to have sudden intense infatuations, especially since we're Caregivers (shallow bastards ) and Fe-base (very easy to energize/mobilize). I pretty much need to be in love with someone or something, or I just feel lost...

[Simon Ssmall]

I guess you could define picky any way you want to, but the way I meant it was being very selective when choosing whom you'll date or establish a relationship with.

Would you say you have two sets of standards [that overlap, probably]? One set for choosing a person just to date casually, and one set for deciding whether to take casual dating to the next level?

Hmm, hard to tell, I don't think there are two sets of standards. But Id imagine as far as appearance go it would mean less if you think in terms of choosing someone for life, but that's the same for everyone?

What I had in mind is that an ENFp id imagine wouldn't be THAT picky as far as starting a relationship with someone (well its also hard to tell, i'm picky for instance if I compare myself to other people I know) but would be way more picky in terms of continuing a relationship with someone.

I had quite a few relationships which would last like 6 months, after that even if everything is smooth and problem free I decide to leave since I know in the long term it is not something I seek.

[Creepy-]

Do you think it would imply that Delta would not be picky and Alfa picky? My real life shows that ISFp's I know are not picky at all and have a lot of patience to be with almost anyone. ENTp's I know are weird in that regard, they are not picky at all id say in terms of appearance, not sure how picky they are in terms of character. But they don't exactly work with a "relationship" in mind to begin with, I saw more than once how one ENTp would say that marriage is useless and family is pointless with a girl on his lap .

I know two ENTp guys who are a lot like that, actually. One of them will go out with whomever he thinks he can snag [he "trolls" a lot, to use the fishing metaphor brought up in another thread]. The other one just got back into a relationship [or some semblance of one] w his ex-girlfriend whom he does not even seem to like all that much, as she's a bit batty. This perplexes me a great deal - why would you be w someone you don't get on with? But it's just his way, I guess....

Dont know rationals well so cant really comment.

I don't know any INTjs well enough to comment, but I do know an ESFj girl who has declared herself to be quite picky [usually while indirect-bragging about being asked out by tons of guys and turning them all down]. In practice, though, I don't know whether she is or not.

Anyway those are people from my real life, im not sure I can talk from a theoretical point of view regarding socionics as im not good at it to begin with, i can only lend examples.

I'm glad you said this, bc that's what I'm hoping for: examples from the REAL world more than theoretical banter and endless hypothesizing.

[Jarno]

In contrary to popular belief, SEE girls are often picky about their boyfriends.

[Brilliand]

My pickiness extends as far as a grocery list of traits (ESFJ, female, Christian, never had sex with someone else <I may let off on this one, but it'd give me second thoughts>). I expect to detect all of those to some degree of certainty before any sort of romance occurs on my side.

[Simon Ssmall]

never had sex with someone else

Never understood something like that from guys . Not judging you though, everyone has its quirks. For me I guess it doesn't matter but I prefer for a girl to be experienced enough as it means there would be less tension in that front. Yet its not something I put value on.

EDIT: well I guess I do understand it somewhat if it is due to religious beliefs.

[DirectorAbbie]

I think when I polled the Delta squad, there was a high preference for Pragmatic love.

I anticipate Alphas having a strong tendency towards Erotic.

I remember alphas preferring pragmatic and deltas preferring storge.


I am very picky. About this and about most things that can be atributed to .

[tiny_dancer]

I'm insanely picky, but I only have one question that I ask: Am I comfortable around this person, and can I be completely myself with him? That alone knocks out a whoooole lot of people.

My parents are EII-ILI, and although they've been together for 40 years, they're not happy. They don't fight, but it's a constant undercurrent of friction and lack of fulfillment. I think growing up around that and being IEE has made me hypersensitive to mismatches.

[jewels]

I'm not picky at all up front. I've definitely gone out w/ a lot of guy my friends never would have. I don't really care if a guy isn't conventionally attractive or whatever, as long as there is potential for him...maybe he has some other great qualities?

Then if it gets towards a relationship I really start to size him up to see if it'd work long term, and I'm mostly picky about personality. I don't see any point to keep dating someone if I don't think we'd get along really well, so I guess that's where the pickiness comes in. But things like whether he dresses well or has a nice car I don't care about because that's not him, but just something he has at the time.

[Satan]

I'm really picky. People have often told me that I'll dismiss girls for the smallest of reasons.

I also seem to get more girls showing (more obvious) interest in me, than me showing interest in girls. Although some girls seem to take attention as interest.

[3RainbowSprinkles]

im an enfp and i feel like im very picky about the quality of a person's personality. As for looks? eh...i at least gotta think hes cute :] you need at least some of that sex appeal ;] merow

[cracka]

A female has to seriously WOW me to make me feel like I'd like a relationship with them... if this is not the case, i'll probably just try to sleep with them anyway. lol. To be fair, this is hardly ever the case, but in some instances it's definitely true.

In short, if I am really into a chick and actually get the balls to ask her out in a way which warrants having a relationship... I have to think very highly of her. So yes, VERY picky when it comes to SO's.

[Ritella]

i'm so picky. i never like anyone.
it's like an emotional void.

[ragnar]

would some types tend towards pickiness in choosing a significant other more than others?

I think I know for a fact that ISTps, ESFjs and ESFps tend to value visual aesthetics more than many other types.

INFp pickiness may relate more to the size of the potential partner's bank accounts.

ESTj pickiness may relate more to the partner's practical utility.

Guess there's a male/female divide here as well, since women tend to be picky in different ways than men, even within the same socionics type.

[crazedrat]

before i knew about socionics i liked girls who showed SEEish qualities. Like if a girl payed me attention despite me being unpleasant toward her, I would like her more. Or like if she laughed at me saying something completely negative and mean.. I would like her more. If a girl had a unique sense of style, I would usually be more attracted to her. If she showed she didn't fall for the average dumbass guys swooning, it would be attractive to me .. If she had the general look that SEEs have, I always was attracted .. etc.

[Banana Pancakes]

The ENFps I know are the most picky I've met. I think all the EPs are to an extent.

I'm picky, but it's more about character than appearance

[implied]

The ENFps I know are the most picky I've met. I think all the EPs are to an extent.

I'm picky, but it's more about character than appearance

same here. not saying i don't care at all, because i do. but we're all going to be old and wrinkly eventually.

[jessica129]

I agree with IEE.

Which is a shame because coupled with my indifference towards relationships pretty much means we'll probobly never come in contact...or maybe that's appealing to them. So anyway, that's my vote.

[UDP]

Actually, the other way 'round, Ssmall. I think Deltas are going to be the choosiest quadra, since the STs want stable relationships and the NFs are perpetually in a grassisgreener mindframe (though how EII Ones approach this, I'm not sure?)

Honestly, EIIs (many) seem to think of themselves as totally unable to affect relationships. They just maintain whatever is going on around them, and 'hope' that someone good comes along, or hope that the person they are with 'improves' or 'gets better'.

Or sort of picture themselves as 'old maids' that will never date and always be single - it's really a load of crap sometimes. Some of the worst use of "intuition" or "foresight" I've ever seen, particularly when they continuously use past examples to justify future behaviors.

Especially when they themselves get into this mode of "well this happened" - constantly pointing at what other people have done or not done, and being somewhat averse to realize their own part in things: either ability to 'get out of bad situations' or 'find new better situations'.

EIIs can have major problems with this sort of thing... definitely an infantile kind of deal where they just remain stationary and expect someone else to find them out and show interest and do everything, really. Or, the other side of infantile is openly displaying their needs and wants and hoping other people deal with them, though this is less "typical" than standard EII.

not exactly pickiness 100% but oh well.

PS: generally, though, the more healthy an EII is, the less they seem "unable to affect relationships", and the more confident they are about things like waiting for the right person, and speaking up when things aren't going well, etc.

[UDP]

The ENFps I know are the most picky I've met. I think all the EPs are to an extent.

I'm picky, but it's more about character than appearance

I do not agree with that.

I think it's very much dependent on the person, really.


PS: I really don't like the idea of this whole subforum, because different types can do the same action for different reasons.

[Ritella]

i wouldn't describe IEE's as "picky" AT ALL.
most will pretty much date anything. the issue is that they never decide on one.
this is probably true of most EP's to some extent. Not picky; just not focused.
IJ's are probably the "pickiest" actually. Because they can't tolerate a lot of options like E's can. And everything has to fit into their world view and standards.

[jessica129]

i wouldn't describe IEE's as "picky" AT ALL.
most will pretty much date anything. the issue is that they never decide on one.
this is probably true of most EP's to some extent. Not picky; just not focused.

hmmm, maybe that's it. Yeah, I think that's it.

[UDP]

Yeah that's more fitting that being picky.

I'm remembering that wonderful GIF (on rick's site?) which shows how irrational people develop relationships in non-linear, non-direct ways, where as rational people are very linear and straight forward. The GIF was a ball or something dodging obstacles - rationals just dodged and continued on the path, irrationals were always flying about the place to begin with. Maybe it wasn't relationally related but it applies here.

I know some EPs who are more specific but it's more value related.

[Banana Pancakes]

i wouldn't describe IEE's as "picky" AT ALL.
most will pretty much date anything. the issue is that they never decide on one.
this is probably true of most EP's to some extent. Not picky; just not focused.

Precisely, they date everyone, but dump them in a week because of their nose or laugh.

[jessica129]

Banana, did you have a different name before that one?

[Satan]

Precisely, they date everyone, but dump them in a week because of their nose or laugh.

I judge people based upon their laugh all the time. I tend to like girls with "light" laughs.

[Ritella]

I judge people based upon their laugh all the time. I tend to like girls with "light" laughs.

"light"? like, hee hee hee?

people tell me i have an evil laugh.

[Satan]

"light"? like, hee hee hee?

people tell me i have an evil laugh.

something like that as a default - like it's there - and it's not "overt" - but more subdued.

My laughter often comes across badly I think.

I like nice girls though.

[Banana Pancakes]

Banana, did you have a different name before that one?

"formally known as diljs"

[ProcrastinateTomorrow]

I don't know if it's type related but here's one for the ILE's

Short.
Curvy.
Sweet
Cute
Bubbly personality.
Fun.
Affectionate.
Passionate.
Loyal.
Honest.
Talks a lot when excited.
Loves to listen to my idea's.
Doesn't want to have children right away want to wait till she is older.
Likes most of the same music and movies as I do.
Is able to relax and enjoy herself.

[Banana Pancakes]

I don't know if it's type related but here's one for the ILE's

Short.
Curvy.
Sweet
Cute
Bubbly personality.
Fun.
Affectionate.
Passionate.
Loyal.
Honest.
Talks a lot when excited.
Loves to listen to my idea's.
Doesn't want to have children right away want to wait till she is older.
Likes most of the same music and movies as I do.
Is able to relax and enjoy herself.

Everything except "short" is perfect.

[ProcrastinateTomorrow]

Everything except "short" is perfect.

You want someone tall ?

[Banana Pancakes]

You want someone tall ?

well short runs in my family (I'm the tallest at 5'9") so I'd like to raise the genetic average a bit. Women are typically shorter than men, so if I pick someone equal or slightly shorter, (5'9" - 5'6", maybe shorter if she ate crappy growing up), it should add an inch or two to my kids' heights.

Gotta plan this stuff.

[ProcrastinateTomorrow]

That's good for you kids to be good on ya.
I am way too selfish to do something like that.

[jessica129]

Oh god, a list.

[Kirana]

i think i'm *very* picky, by any standards. picky about friends, picky about who i go out with, and therefore picky about who i have relationships with. i don't know whether this is common to other LIIs. it's not easy to find someone who can 'get' what i'm saying - and my problem is that i cannot compromise on that. as a results i have only very few close friends, have only really had 2 proper relationships but both were/are very involved, consuming, with fascinating guys and cannot be described in any way as casual or trivial. the first crashed spectacularly, the second hit the jackpot and proceeding to marriage. in between was confusion and fretfulness over there seemingly not being anyone i meet anywhere that i even distantly thought might be interesting enough to be worth a try.

i guess my 'strategy' is more of getting it right in as few tries as possible, and as far away from the 'try a lot and you're bound to get it right eventually' philosophy as you can get. again, not sure if this is true of most LIIs. it's just, my personal time is precious to me, and since social interaction with new people is normally not a pleasant thing for me, a person has got to be interesting enough to make my curiosity override my aversion for socialising. i can normally get the gist of a person fairly quickly and be able to anticipate the things they say and do after some time of knowing them, and i can't imagine marrying someone i can totally predict.

some predictability is very good, for providing routine and stability, but i still need to be impressed and challenged by surprises and intelligence due to unfathomable character traits - which will continually provide some facet of curious unpredictability to our daily life. finding someone who has both took me well into my 20s, and even then it was serendipitious, and i made no tries on the 'dating scene' in between. so, i'm not kidding when i say i'm *very* picky.