ISTp-ENFp duality, or why didn't my husband get angry at me?

[Slacker]

Because I would have gotten VERY angry at myself.

Yesterday was a stressful day for me. My hormones are still all over the place from the birth, and my older daughter has been sick and I've been stressed out by that. Plus, even easy babies like my baby are a lot of work. And on top of that, my husband's truck is broken and of COURSE he can't pay someone else to fix it, so it won't get fixed till this weekend and he's taking my van to work, leaving me trapped. Not that I'd go anywhere with a sick kid and a newborn, but just knowing the van is there and I could go if I wanted to makes me feel good. Not having that possibility available is a bad thing.

So, in this situation, my husband decided to go to the bar with friends after work. Usually, I don't care in the slightest. Go to the bar and chat with your friends, no problem. He told me he'd only be there an hour or less because of everything that was going on at home, but my husband is never home when he says he'll be home. Usually, I just translate this - he says he'll be out less than an hour, that means he'll be back around an hour and a half to two hours. I can usually figure out about when he'll be home and I usually work with that and don't really pay attention to what time he says he'll be home. But this time I freaked. I called him after and hour and yelled at him and ended up throwing the phone across the room I was so angry. I screamed at him and swore and was all around not a nice person.

One would think he would respond to my tantrum by being angry, right? I would get angry if someone threw a phone and screamed at me. But NO. He came home and brought a treat for me, and was really sweet and said he'd take care of the girls and I could take a nice bath to relax, and that tonight we'd go out to my favorite restaurant if it the older one is feeling better and the baby is up to it, or else he'll go pick up food from them, even though they aren't a place that generally does take-out. And the older one was OK this morning and he told me to sleep in and he'd get her ready for school, which he did.

THIS is why we don't fight. Because one of us (usually me) will get angry, and the other one doesn't get angry back. It isn't because the starting point of fights don't happen - it's because they don't really develop into fights because they're always one-sided. And it isn't ALWAYS me who gets angry - sometimes he'll get upset about something. But I'm the moodiest so I have to admit that it is usually me.

I'm wonder about what's going on functionally here. I know he fed me Si after Si thing, but I meant more like what caused me to get so upset in the first place. Other than not having my car, which was an Ne-limiting thing.

The two things I don't get:

1. Why wouldn't his response work to make anyone of any type happy?

2. Why doesn't he get angry at me when I flip out like that?

[Creepy-Cyclops]

I think you should ask your husband the answer to the second one.

[Slacker]

He says he thinks it's funny. But that isn't my question. I'm wondering if there's an explanation within Socionics.

[jewels]

This really made me smile. I think that's perfect he doesn't get angry back.

It sounds like your stress built up all day being trapped at home...I get like that too. Especially if your kid is sick, I might be thinking "oh no! What if I have to go to the doctor and can't because I have no transportation..." and then my mind would perhaps spiral out of control or something.

I'm also guilty of throwing phones...

I think his response was so nice!! sometimes I forget how important Si is. But that's exactly what I'd want in that situation too. How sweet! Glad you guys worked it out and it's always so nice to hear about duality. You should post more slackermom!

And it's hard for me to say why that response wouldn't make anyone happy, because that'd work for me!

Because I would have gotten VERY angry at myself.

Yesterday was a stressful day for me. My hormones are still all over the place from the birth, and my older daughter has been sick and I've been stressed out by that. Plus, even easy babies like my baby are a lot of work. And on top of that, my husband's truck is broken and of COURSE he can't pay someone else to fix it, so it won't get fixed till this weekend and he's taking my van to work, leaving me trapped. Not that I'd go anywhere with a sick kid and a newborn, but just knowing the van is there and I could go if I wanted to makes me feel good. Not having that possibility available is a bad thing.

So, in this situation, my husband decided to go to the bar with friends after work. Usually, I don't care in the slightest. Go to the bar and chat with your friends, no problem. He told me he'd only be there an hour or less because of everything that was going on at home, but my husband is never home when he says he'll be home. Usually, I just translate this - he says he'll be out less than an hour, that means he'll be back around an hour and a half to two hours. I can usually figure out about when he'll be home and I usually work with that and don't really pay attention to what time he says he'll be home. But this time I freaked. I called him after and hour and yelled at him and ended up throwing the phone across the room I was so angry. I screamed at him and swore and was all around not a nice person.

One would think he would respond to my tantrum by being angry, right? I would get angry if someone threw a phone and screamed at me. But NO. He came home and brought a treat for me, and was really sweet and said he'd take care of the girls and I could take a nice bath to relax, and that tonight we'd go out to my favorite restaurant if it the older one is feeling better and the baby is up to it, or else he'll go pick up food from them, even though they aren't a place that generally does take-out. And the older one was OK this morning and he told me to sleep in and he'd get her ready for school, which he did.

THIS is why we don't fight. Because one of us (usually me) will get angry, and the other one doesn't get angry back. It isn't because the starting point of fights don't happen - it's because they don't really develop into fights because they're always one-sided. And it isn't ALWAYS me who gets angry - sometimes he'll get upset about something. But I'm the moodiest so I have to admit that it is usually me.

I'm wonder about what's going on functionally here. I know he fed me Si after Si thing, but I meant more like what caused me to get so upset in the first place. Other than not having my car, which was an Ne-limiting thing.

The two things I don't get:

1. Why wouldn't his response work to make anyone of any type happy?

2. Why doesn't he get angry at me when I flip out like that?

[Slacker]

And it's hard for me to say why that response wouldn't make anyone happy, because that'd work for me!

I'm trying to look at it from the point of view of my parents (EIE and LIE). I think they'd consider coming home late from the bar to be unforgivable, but I'm not sure. They are big on promptness. A half hour to an hour late doesn't seem like a big deal to me - I mean if he were like four hours late I'd freak in any circumstance - but my parents have been upset when he's been a half hour late in the past. Also, maybe they'd think he was trying to manipulate me by like bringing me home a treat and that kind of thing? They might not consider his behavior to be genuine and think that I was letting him "get away with" coming home late.

Not sure.

[UDP]

Mature people can realize when someone, especially a loved one or someone they care about, it just having a bad day - and they can sort of deal with stuff and want to make you feel better.

I think that has a lot to do with things - and your particular take on delta Ne/Si stuff is just how it plays out here; meaning, you guys have certain ways that it is more tolerable for people to "get angry". You have more slack in some areas and other areas, because of what functions are valued or not (perhaps), and because of the people you are.





Also, I have a feeling if you acted like that ALL THE TIME, your husband wouldn't like you nearly as much. In fact, that you acted so weird and were having a 'bad day' probably triggered his feeling of "hmm I should probably pay attention here and be nice and try to do some things to help make her feel better".

You two, perhaps subconsciously, see that kind of interaction as a means of a signal of help or something (which perhaps fits in with Ne/Si). However, if you were using that kind of action - freaking out - to try to coerce or tempt or entice (Ni/Se) to intentionally get a desired response out of your husband, I don't think it would go over so well.


Those are rough thoughts I had from reading this thread quickly. Let me know if you think it's the case or not.

[mikemex]

Members of any type become stressed when they are required to follow an approach that requires skills they don't have. In the other hand, they will rarely, if ever, become stressed handling problems appropriate for their skills.

It might stress you, but mundane things such as taking care of babies are no problem for an SLI. He probably found it funny because he felt it was something in the lines of "What? That's all? I thought it was something serious...".

SLI become stressed when they face problems they can't solve using their Si+Te. A good example of this would be a parent having a deeply depressed kid. Would you get mad if your husband shout at you, knowing that the real reason is the kid?

[calenwen]

He says he thinks it's funny. But that isn't my question. I'm wondering if there's an explanation within Socionics.

Heh, this reminds me a lot of my parents. Occasionally my mom (EII) would get really upset at my dad (LSE) about something, usually because she was stressing out about a million different unrelated things - but he would always act like it wasn't a big deal and when she asked him why he would say that he thought it was funny.

[07490]

Members of any type become stressed when they are required to follow an approach that requires skills they don't have. In the other hand, they will rarely, if ever, become stressed handling problems appropriate for their skills.

It might stress you, but mundane things such as taking care of babies are no problem for an SLI. He probably found it funny because he felt it was something in the lines of "What? That's all? I thought it was something serious...".

SLI become stressed when they face problems they can't solve using their Si+Te. A good example of this would be a parent having a deeply depressed kid. Would you get mad if your husband shout at you, knowing that the real reason is the kid?

I didn't read the thread but reading this is very true. We can avoid alot of problems with people if we dont require as much from them in areas they are deeoly weak on. They will happily lend you a hand if it is something that requires no effort, which thrive their ego going.

[07490]

my mom (EII)

I thought she was EIE? you change her typing?

[calenwen]

I thought she was EIE? you change her typing?

Yeah, based (mostly) on intertype relations.

[meatburger]

Yeah your husband is a legend. That is the perfect response

My wild child ISTp friend yelled at me one day for not watching where his golf shot went. It basically went straight into the sky lol. He felt the fury of 1000 valkyries that day yet he just said sorry and he calmed down and even as i was angry he just kept talking to me every now and then. It was basically impossible for me to stay angry for long.

[Park]

One would think he would respond to my tantrum by being angry, right? I would get angry if someone threw a phone and screamed at me. But NO. He came home and brought a treat for me, and was really sweet and said he'd take care of the girls and I could take a nice bath to relax, and that tonight we'd go out to my favorite restaurant if it the older one is feeling better and the baby is up to it, or else he'll go pick up food from them, even though they aren't a place that generally does take-out. And the older one was OK this morning and he told me to sleep in and he'd get her ready for school, which he did.

I don't have a wive, nor kids, but I know that's exactly how I would react. And that's exactly what I do when my family or friends/colleagues get angry at me for being late or taking more time than I said I would. It's not like I've forgotten my responsibilities or anything, it's just that I function by my own weird-ass schedule. And I rarely get angry back for such things, unless someone makes it into a HUGE deal and tries to humiliate me for it.

[iAnnAu]

Mature people can realize when someone, especially a loved one or someone they care about, it just having a bad day - and they can sort of deal with stuff and want to make you feel better.

I think that has a lot to do with things - and your particular take on delta Ne/Si stuff is just how it plays out here; meaning, you guys have certain ways that it is more tolerable for people to "get angry". You have more slack in some areas and other areas, because of what functions are valued or not (perhaps), and because of the people you are.

Also, I have a feeling if you acted like that ALL THE TIME, your husband wouldn't like you nearly as much. In fact, that you acted so weird and were having a 'bad day' probably triggered his feeling of "hmm I should probably pay attention here and be nice and try to do some things to help make her feel better".

You two, perhaps subconsciously, see that kind of interaction as a means of a signal of help or something (which perhaps fits in with Ne/Si). However, if you were using that kind of action - freaking out - to try to coerce or tempt or entice (Ni/Se) to intentionally get a desired response out of your husband, I don't think it would go over so well.

Those are rough thoughts I had from reading this thread quickly. Let me know if you think it's the case or not.

I agree with this (well, I don't actually have an opinion on the Ne/Si part).

[Creepy-Diana]

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