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Thread: SLEs/ESTps after initiating a breakup

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    Haikus Sirena's Avatar
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    Default SLEs/ESTps after initiating a breakup

    Will an SLE go after what he wants even in Fi matters? In other words, if he doesn't re-initiate contact, can I safely assume he doesn't care that much?

    Note: In a situation where he initiated the breakup.

    P.S. I know this probably applies to any type, but I wonder if it would be any different for an SLE (Fi polr).

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    I would exhaust every possible avenue in a situation that I turly care about before the break-up scenario. But, if I break-up with someone, it generally means that's it.

    With friends, after some time appart, I will revisit the situation both in my head and if I feel it's worth it, I will re-attempt to establish contact try to resolve whatever the issue at hand was and try to move on.

    With a romantic interest, I will always (like i said), exhaust every possible avenue, whether it be in my own head or that person, and if I care about the person a lot it will cause a lot of turmoil inside for me, which I will not show. I will chalk it up to just "it is what it is" and move on without ever revisiting the situation again. Once I make my final judgement, that's what it is. Final.

    Lets just say, I don't make the same mistake twice (with the samer person). It doesnt matter how I feel about it, because I know that this person hurt me or there was something there that was not worth it, or there was an issue with compatibility. Although people can grow, they will never really change.

    That's why in my instance, IEI-boy is chalking up the no-relationship "can't commit" thing now to circumstance NOW and says he sees something and wants something down the road...I will not revisit this situation "down the road". If I wasn't good enough or worth the trouble now, I never will be. I made my last attempt, and after that...I will make my peace with it and lay it to rest.

    Once someone dies, you can't bring them back. In the same sense, once I get hurt or if it's a no go, I burry it, and I will not try to bring it back to life.
    Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.

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    ...been here longer than the fucking monarchy Ezra's Avatar
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    Did you break up with your boyfriend, Sirena?

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    Haikus Sirena's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ezra View Post
    Did you break up with your boyfriend, Sirena?
    He broke up with me.

    @ESTP: thanks for the reply. that makes sense. hope you're feeling better about the whole thing. sounds like you've at least made peace with it. wish i could say the same. i just hate it when things don't make sense and when people act so stupid just because they have a screwed up perception about stuff and won't let others help them with this. ugh whatever.

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    ESTP's Avatar
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    I have not made my peace with it. I agree about fucked up preception....but there's a part of me, that just knows...eventually, he's the one. I just know it. Maybe be not in 5 months, a year..or even 5...but I just know he's the one...so maybe that's why I sound more at peace with it than anything. You know...when you know, you just know. Well, I just know. Doesn't really change the fact of the matter, nor does it change all the crap that will happen from now...til then.
    Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.

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    I've been waiting for you Satan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ESTP View Post
    I have not made my peace with it. I agree about fucked up preception....but there's a part of me, that just knows...eventually, he's the one. I just know it. Maybe be not in 5 months, a year..or even 5...but I just know he's the one...so maybe that's why I sound more at peace with it than anything. You know...when you know, you just know. Well, I just know. Doesn't really change the fact of the matter, nor does it change all the crap that will happen from now...til then.
    5 years is a long time. what are you going to do in the interim

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    Haikus Sirena's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ESTP View Post
    I have not made my peace with it. I agree about fucked up preception....but there's a part of me, that just knows...eventually, he's the one. I just know it. Maybe be not in 5 months, a year..or even 5...but I just know he's the one...so maybe that's why I sound more at peace with it than anything. You know...when you know, you just know. Well, I just know. Doesn't really change the fact of the matter, nor does it change all the crap that will happen from now...til then.
    I wish my SLE was at the place you are now because that's how I feel about him too. Well, he's not mine anymore. I mean, I know he loves me, so why is he doing this? Ugh, I don't know what to think any more tbh. My mind has been going around in circles for 4 days and I don't know what to do. I guess I don't have much choice but do nothing. That's all I can really do...nothing. It's just that because I know how he is I have this desperate urge to want to save him from himself. I know that sounds stupid and condescending and I would never tell him that but it's so frustrating to sit here and watch him throw everything away over his fucked up perception and fears. He hasn't returned my stuff yet (including my garage door opener) but I know that when I get home and find my stuff there, my heart will just drop because I'll know for sure it's over. And I wish I didn't still hope, but I can't help it. I catch myself "feeling better" only to realize that's the reason and that'll just bring more heartache later.

    I guess this is what I meant when I said you seem to have more peace with it. You see where I am. I have not gotten to the place where I can say "if it's meant to be it will be." That used to be so easy for me, to have that kind of faith. It isn't anymore. He will just throw everything good away even if he destroys himself in the process. That's what he does, but how can he do that with me?! He's never had what we had before. Oh well, I guess we're each responsible for our own lives and how we choose to live it.


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    JuJu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sirena View Post
    Oh well, I guess we're each responsible for our own lives and how we choose to live it.
    This has been a hard thing for me to learn... Hopefully, it will be easier for you.

    With the last several SLEs, it was exactly as ESTP said--for awhile.

    I've now experienced two SLEs coming back into my life after 8 (!!) and 6 (!) years apart, respectively. (Maybe that's how long it took them to realize their feelings about the situation? Haha.) Another one called me a few weeks ago after a mere four years, lol.

    All of this is by way of saying, with SLEs, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

    P.S. Fleetwood Mac was pretty potent in '79 it looks like.

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    Haikus Sirena's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JuJu View Post
    This has been a hard thing for me to learn... Hopefully, it will be easier for you.

    With the last several SLEs, it was exactly as ESTP said--for awhile.

    I've now experienced two SLEs coming back into my life after 8 (!!) and 6 (!) years apart, respectively. (Maybe that's how long it took them to realize their feelings about the situation? Haha.) Another one called me a few weeks ago after a mere four years, lol.

    All of this is by way of saying, with SLEs, it's a marathon, not a sprint.
    Wow! I hope it doesn't take him that long, I'm not getting any younger.

    Yes, I know you're right, it's just hard to accept especially because we both thought this time it would be different and I was so confident in that. I thought if anyone could do it, it would be me. He was so tired of keeping himself closed off. He opened up to me, only to ruin everything.
    P.S. Fleetwood Mac was pretty potent in '79 it looks like.
    lol

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    Quote Originally Posted by ESTP View Post
    Once I make my final judgement, that's what it is. Final.

    That's why in my instance, IEI-boy is chalking up the no-relationship "can't commit" thing now to circumstance NOW and says he sees something and wants something down the road...I will not revisit this situation "down the road". If I wasn't good enough or worth the trouble now, I never will be. I made my last attempt, and after that...I will make my peace with it and lay it to rest.

    Once someone dies, you can't bring them back. In the same sense, once I get hurt or if it's a no go, I burry it, and I will not try to bring it back to life.
    Quote Originally Posted by JuJu View Post
    All of this is by way of saying, with SLEs, it's a marathon, not a sprint.
    As an interesting side note, this is how it is for me too.
    ILE
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    Very busy with work. Only kind of around.

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    Tell you what...have you told him...something along the lines of this:

    Listen...I hope you know, that what you're doing is wrong for these reasons: :::: tell him what you think and how you feel about him without any reservation, pour your heart out, dont be scared of telling him EXACTLY how you feel, regardless how EMO it sounds:::::: and then say.... now knowing all that, should you change your mind down the road, I WILL NOT take you back. I will not let you put me through this crap, hurt me the way you did and then come back when you realize what we had.


    Tell him, you will NOT do this again. It's his last shot. And quite frankly, if he doesnt think it through or weigh his options and still leaves...then you gotta cut him out. Because, at the end of the day...just as much as you love him...you still have to hold on to the fact that you're a worthy human being with feelings. You, just like him, want to feel wanted, needed, appreciated, and if he loves you and is doing this for stupid reasons...really, don't put yourself in that position again.

    I know it sucks, but qutie frankly, ultimatums are sometimes the way to go. Especially in insances such as this. I know it may not seem like it, and I too have a hard time accepting it but at least i realieze this, but there are other "fish in the sea" so to speak. He may seem like this is it...and you'll never find anyone better than him, but in the same instance...think of how many other people youve been with or thought they were amazing and you wouldn't find "anyone better than" and you met this guy who you think the world of.

    People come into our lives, for whatever reason (not in a metaphysical sense) but sometimes, they are lessons to be learned.

    To exemplify my instance...if anything, if nothing happens and if this is the end all be all. At least, he's a lesson in life. He's honest, truthful, trust-wrothy, kind-hearted, super intelligent, caring etc etc. Everything my ideal person would have. However, the one thing and most important lesson I can take away from it...is that, there ARE still people left like that in the world. Before I met him, I was convinced they didn't and practically just said "fuck it". But, having met him...shows me that there's still hope. That there are people like that in the world, and eventually, I might find someone who embodies those things as well. BUt the point is, there are people like that, however rare. And, at the end of the day...the greast gift I've recieved from him so far is just that...hope. I'm not one to be the greatest believer in it...so imagine the significance of that.
    Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.

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    ...been here longer than the fucking monarchy Ezra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sirena View Post
    He broke up with me.


    Sorry to hear that.






































    I'm ready when you are .

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    .
    Did he give you a reason?

    ESTPs advice is really good... I agree with the ultimatum, hard but sometimes it's the only way to really work out where you stand. If he doesn't want to be with you, then you will find others who do and it's so hard to move on if your hanging on to a hope that he might come back.
    IEI, sp/sx 4w3.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ezra View Post


    Sorry to hear that.

    thank you.



































    I'm ready when you are .
    lol i bet you say that to all the girls huh!

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    Quote Originally Posted by ESTP View Post
    Tell you what...have you told him...something along the lines of this:

    Listen...I hope you know, that what you're doing is wrong for these reasons: :::: tell him what you think and how you feel about him without any reservation, pour your heart out, dont be scared of telling him EXACTLY how you feel, regardless how EMO it sounds:::::: and then say.... now knowing all that, should you change your mind down the road, I WILL NOT take you back. I will not let you put me through this crap, hurt me the way you did and then come back when you realize what we had.


    Tell him, you will NOT do this again. It's his last shot. And quite frankly, if he doesnt think it through or weigh his options and still leaves...then you gotta cut him out. Because, at the end of the day...just as much as you love him...you still have to hold on to the fact that you're a worthy human being with feelings. You, just like him, want to feel wanted, needed, appreciated, and if he loves you and is doing this for stupid reasons...really, don't put yourself in that position again.

    I know it sucks, but qutie frankly, ultimatums are sometimes the way to go. Especially in insances such as this. I know it may not seem like it, and I too have a hard time accepting it but at least i realieze this, but there are other "fish in the sea" so to speak. He may seem like this is it...and you'll never find anyone better than him, but in the same instance...think of how many other people youve been with or thought they were amazing and you wouldn't find "anyone better than" and you met this guy who you think the world of.

    People come into our lives, for whatever reason (not in a metaphysical sense) but sometimes, they are lessons to be learned.

    To exemplify my instance...if anything, if nothing happens and if this is the end all be all. At least, he's a lesson in life. He's honest, truthful, trust-wrothy, kind-hearted, super intelligent, caring etc etc. Everything my ideal person would have. However, the one thing and most important lesson I can take away from it...is that, there ARE still people left like that in the world. Before I met him, I was convinced they didn't and practically just said "fuck it". But, having met him...shows me that there's still hope. That there are people like that in the world, and eventually, I might find someone who embodies those things as well. BUt the point is, there are people like that, however rare. And, at the end of the day...the greast gift I've recieved from him so far is just that...hope. I'm not one to be the greatest believer in it...so imagine the significance of that.
    Quote Originally Posted by dinki View Post
    .
    Did he give you a reason?

    ESTPs advice is really good... I agree with the ultimatum, hard but sometimes it's the only way to really work out where you stand. If he doesn't want to be with you, then you will find others who do and it's so hard to move on if your hanging on to a hope that he might come back.
    ESTP, can I hire you as my personal...person? (can't think of an appropriate title lol). Seriously, everything you've said has been so on point. Not only that, but I just really appreciate your straightforwardness and how you just seem to conceptualize things for me in a doable way. Believe it or not most of the time I have a really hard time just knowing what to do with all this stuff in my head and how the hell to do it. And most importantly the push to actually fucking do it. So thanks again.

    So here's what I have done so far....2 days ago I wrote him an email where I basically told him how confused I was about his decision because to me it made no sense that we would experience everything we did on a daily basis and he would somehow decide he was better off without me (which is all I could conclude from his decision). That I was hurt and angry and it was clear he had nothing more to say to me so I wasn't writing the email looking for an explanation or asking him to get back together. That I just needed to let him know how I felt so that at least on my part nothing would go unsaid. I didn't go into how much I love him and would miss him and how lonely I feel without him (I didn't want to sound pitiful, especially since the mere thought of women who beg and plead men not to leave them disgusts me). God I hope I haven't become one of them! I tried to explain how his perception is wrong (in an emotive yet not whiny or desperate way, even though that's how I really felt). Then I said I wish him happiness. So yeah I tried to be an adult about it (and the things I said really did come from my heart). He texted me like 15 min later to say that he was really sorry, he never meant to hurt me, that he had tried to give me the best but couldn't and he knew I would be hating him right now, to forgive him and that he hoped my family or me didn't think badly of him. I took that as an affirmation that yes, it was final and he was sorry to hurt me. Now that I think about it...could it have meant that he was sorry to leave me? Probably not. Anyway, I was so hurt after those messages that I texted him back saying that he had just confirmed he never did love me and I hated myself, not him, for believing everything he ever told me. That apparently I had been just another woman in his life, nothing special. But that I would be different from the others now and leave him be. He just texted back saying he understood I felt that way and it's why he didn't say anything, because it wouldn't change what I thought about him and that it really hurt him I felt that way.

    Oh shit, I fucked up, didn't I? Oh god now I'm freaking out.........

    @dinki: thanks dinki! heeeelp!!!!!!!!!!

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    I've been waiting for you Satan's Avatar
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    Sirena, does he love anyone else? Maybe he just needs some time on his own to realise.

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