Are IEEs-ENFps clingy in relationships?

[jewels]

Why or why not?

I'm curious how various types would see this.

[Simon Ssmall]

I don't see myself as clingy, I can be a bit smothering in the beginning of a relationship (since I show a lot of attention, some people are not used to that) but I don't think anyone would think of me as clingy.

[Creepy-Cyclops]

I don't think so. ISFp's I think are the clingiest of the types.

[Slacker]

I have friends who tell me they would never "let" their husband work in the garage so much on a weekend, go racing on the weekend, etc. It's amazing to me what they wouldn't "let" their husbands do because I've heard it about lots of things. This concept of "letting" your spouse do something they want, or not "letting" them do it is kind of offensive to me. Anyway, I think of people who talk like that as being clingy, because it's like they own their husbands' time and think he shouldn't go out and do much without them, but I don't see myself that way.

This isn't a female/male thing. Their husbands seem to have the same attitudes. (And not to be heterosexist - I only know a few same-sex couples well enough to know if they're like this, and I haven't seen this in them, but I don't know enough to really include them in this discussion.)

The only thing that might seem clingy from the outside is that it's important to me that I be able to reach my husband at all times. But that's really just because I'd want to be able to reach him if I had a problem and needed help. So he goes off and does what he wants, and I go off and do what I want, but we keep our cell phones charged.

[Simon Ssmall]

Heh the quickest way to make me leave a person is to not "allow" me something. The concept is very alien to me. I let people do what they want to do with their time and I expect the same freedom for myself. I realize sometimes your significant other needs you but then I expect it to be told like that and not in a manner that I have to be there with them, just that they would appreciate it. 99% chance ill be there for them. If I would be clingy with my current gf it would end very very fast as she is very independent and has quite a lot of friends/interests. She does her things, I do mine, we meet to enjoy each others company and neither of us "owns" anything or is obliged to do anything.

[Jarno]

I don't think so. ISFp's I think are the clingiest of the types.

yeah, they are really clingy, and since I have a super ego relationship with them, which states that one partner is clingy, it is even worse.

Though I find IEE's also somewhat clingy, or maybe better: demanding/expecting. And they can react dramatic when you say no.

[jewels]

interesting. I feel like I'm both independent and clingy.

On the independent side...my dad says I take after him and my grandfather in that way (they never ask for help, etc.) and I don't really depend on anyone to help me out w/ anything. I've never asked friends to help me move (just threw everything in bags), and I don't ask for favors or make assumptions of people, and I don't exchange keys w/ neighbors in case I get locked out (I just bring an extra set w/ me and keep it in my pocket in case I get mugged). I do feel like my responsibilities are my own and don't really expect help...so I have moved to new cities alone a couple of times, made new friends, have a lot of my own hobbies, activities, friends, etc.

However, on the clingy side, I do notice that I am very "all or nothing" and if I'm really into a guy I will suddenly notice how much free time I have. It doesn't matter if I'm working 15 hour days I will find the time to meet up w/ him for coffee. If a guy only wants to see me like twice a week I feel like . It's not hard at all for me to send a quick text or email or call. When I start to like someone I definitely prefer it if they basically want to see me 24-7 but also aren't making demands on my time. Ideally, we'd both want to see each other a lot while also not feeling obligated to.

I'm careful not to make anyone feel obligated to see me or to even ask for more time, but I guess if I was being totally myself I would do that and would probably be quite clingy. Like let's hang out all day and see a movie and then get a fun dinner and then....(which is probably scary for guys...)

But then again, I usually go for guys who are even more independent and aloof than I am...I guess I'd prefer someone give me too much space than not enough and then I can reel them back in.

I guess the reason I ask is that I just dated a guy who had never had a relationship, ever, and he freaked out after we'd hung out for an afternoon. I was starting to really like him (after we'd hung out for maybe a month), but I could see him silently freaking out. I brought it up and ended up leaving and basically ending it (since I could tell he was so freaked out). I mean, he'd asked me to hang out, but I still felt like that stereotypical chick who is like being all clingy. ick.

wow, that was probably my least coherent post.

@Mimosa -- I think that ENFps do like to get past the shiny surface but only do so in relationships that are super close, like confidants....I need to trust someone a LOT to tell them all my un-shiny secrets. And I can be paranoid about people telling things about me if our relationship doesn't work out, so I'm very careful who I tell what. But then again, imperfections are what makes people interesting.

[jessica129]

Hmm..I've never thought of IEE's as being clingy...at all.

However, on the clingy side, I do notice that I am very "all or nothing" and if I'm really into a guy I will suddenly notice how much free time I have. It doesn't matter if I'm working 15 hour days I will find the time to meet up w/ him for coffee. If a guy only wants to see me like twice a week I feel like . It's not hard at all for me to send a quick text or email or call. When I start to like someone I definitely prefer it if they basically want to see me 24-7 but also aren't making demands on my time. Ideally, we'd both want to see each other a lot while also not feeling obligated to.

I'm the same way but finding a guy that want's that much contact has been hard. I used to complain when I only got to see my ex 4 times a week and now looking back on it...that was a little psychotic to ask that much. But when I like someone, I want to be around them daily.

Like let's hang out all day and see a movie and then get a fun dinner and then....(which is probably scary for guys...)

That right there sounds like a fun time to me. It's so frustrating with most most guys (okay i hate when women generalize ALL men. I get it, they're all different; I'm just saying what I have came in contact with) Why are they so sensitive in this area? Maybe doing something like that daily would be overkill, but to spend one night a week the entire time together, that's how people get closer. It's nearly impossible for me to get close to anyone I see once a week or less.

[jewels]

hmm, I take it back. I don't think I or IEEs are clingy.

I think I just dated a bunch of dumb asses.

I think w/ a good relationship both people want to see each other...and if they're seeing you twice a week, they are probably seeing two other girls twice a week as well...with one day to do their laundry. Not in allll cases of course, just some...

[meatburger]

In general no im not clingy at all. When my girlfriends say they are doing something i tend to not bat an eyelid. I also am very conscious of private time so i would hang out with them but when i felt that things had gone on long enough i would leave. In fact sometimes ive had people say they wanted me to stay longer but i didn't realise. I have been pretty heavy on the smses though. Like i kind of expect at least an SMS each day and i admit i would get a little jumpy if i didn't get that lol. I think i still have a bit of a journey to go to be totally healthy in relationships though.

I think it has to do with who you are dating aswell. With one of my exes who was a bit wild i really had to restrain myself not to complain or get upset when i didn't hear from her. One week she just stopped responding and i was telling myself that i was weak if i smsed her, so i didn't for a week or so. Of course i had every right to worry as she turned out to be a very dodgy chick.

Mimosa Pudica thats definately true about ENFp's sometimes having a aura of apparent perfection that they like to project. We dont really like having flaws at all and we can make up excuses for them. I actually admit i see myself as having a beautiful mind. I do actually strive for perfection in how i think about things. Dont worry im very conscious of how i fuck up every day, but in a way its almost impossible for me to have a negative thought or take action without it going through multiple filters in my brain first. Clingyness is just another example. I find that to be a shitty quality to have so i fight myself whenever i feel like im being like that.

[Simon Ssmall]

Not sure I talk for all IEIs, but when I go out with someone, I'd much rather want to talk about something "deeper". Not necessarily PERSONAL. I mean, I don't go personal with almost anyone, for example, I married without telling my parents, I was almost killed without telling anyone, and I got seriously ill (hospitalized) without telling my friends, and many more such stories. I just don't tell so much. What I meant, was to talk about things in a more serious tone, analyse situations and people (like psychology, socionics, etc). Stuff I do all the time, anyways. The IEEs seem to want to stay (when out) in the goofy up-beat state that I find so boring, and they seem to find me weird for wanting to "crash the party". It's not at all what I want to do. I want to move onto something I find entertaining and not so boring. Of course I'm not looking for "serious". I just want more "intelligent" entertainment. And again - I'm certain IEEs see their humor as intelligent (and mine as boring). It's a matter of preferences.

Im not sure but that is somewhat alien to me. I have no problem talking seriously with someone, especially if that person is close to me. I don't get that upbeat kind of thing. I can be upbeat, especially if more people are present, I just hold of serious conversations where I trust people. Mostly its one on one talks and sometimes its with few really close friends. I just choose with who I talk about things seriously and humor is not at all required even if I would throw in something here and there.

[Simon Ssmall]

The fun thing is, that when I feel that they "cut me off", I withdraw (as I don't want to bother them), and one IEE once commented on that, saying he felt that he couldn't trust me, since I behaved like that. Maybe I just misread you completely?

I don't know as I'm not sure to what you are refering as "the wall" and "cut me off". Could you provide an example? Some real life situation? Maybe I would understand better where the mistrust comes from and the cutting you off part. I don't generally "cut people off" unless they get too personal for my liking, then I withdraw. Thing is im friendly with all people in general, some confuse it with something more than me being nice. I guess maybe that is what you experience, maybe you think that you are close enough to discuss certain topics while it is nowhere near for the IEE? Just guessing.

[Simon Ssmall]

And I doubt an IEI would feel "friendly" with an IEE before the IEE?

Why not? I doubt its type related.

As for the rest I just wanted an example so I better understand to what do you refer. I can click with someone instantly but I doubt that someone would be my friend, it takes time for me to consider someone a friend. Of course I know people who I don't consider friends even if I know them for long, that's not the point, just friendship for me is a bond which passes a certain test of time. I can't consider someone a friend if I don't really know him well even if we click on everything. A close friend is a close friend, I don't know of the exact reasons, It's a mixture of things.

The trouble I have with one IEI is that she choose topics I am totally not interested. Usually Ill be silent and then change the subject. Maybe you just miss what the person is interested in? I seriously can't imagine why would something like this happen without and actual situation , I think ill leave it at that. You just don't click with IEE and socionicaly that's normal I guess.

I just wanted to explain why I don't find IEEs clingy... Nothing else....

I hope I don't sound like I am attacking you or anything? I am just curious, nothing else .

[tiny_dancer]

By "wall" and "cut off" I mean that the conversation suddenly goes silent, then the IEE starts talking about a completely different thing. Nothing dramatic. I'm just hyper sensitive to such changes in the atmosphere.

This might be Ne vs. Ni. I do change the subject often. Either because I feel like I have nothing else to say, and if there's silence in the convo, then I figure they also are out of things to say, or I'm afraid they'd get bored... maybe this is an enneagram 7 thing as well? I don't know.

I think w/ a good relationship both people want to see each other...and if they're seeing you twice a week, they are probably seeing two other girls twice a week as well...with one day to do their laundry. Not in allll cases of course, just some...

lololol jewels, you really do live in New York! Even the biggest womanizer I've ever *known* didn't date this much.

[jessica129]

Yeah...I was kinda feeling a little odd about that because when I'm dating someone, I normally only see them 2-3 times a week.

[jewels]

Mimosa, what you've said is interesting because I usually feel the opposite, in that I really like INFps, but I feel them putting up more space, where as I would want to have more serious conversations, or take things to a deeper "friend" level etc. But also, when they do talk about VERy serious things like traumatic events I can get so emotionally caught up in it that I sort of become ungrounded to the point I can't really help them -- but yet I still want them to tell me.

I really like INFps though. I think the last several guys I dated were that type. I do have one good female INFp friend who I haven't really had any problems with. She talks for a long time about how she feels about various situations/people and I just listen and always understand her pretty easily (even if my opinion is different). I used to think she thought I must be sort of shallow or superficial w/ the way I can be flighty and I made a joke about it one day and she said I was actually really deep. So I think the enfp/infp thing can work.

lololol jewels, you really do live in New York! Even the biggest womanizer I've ever *known* didn't date this much.

yeah I could write a book about this...there are basically "tiers." The top 3 (fake gfs), then the second tier he finds interesting so he keeps as a back-up and the third tier are in case he gets desperate.

For instance in a text:

1) top 3 girls get "how about dinner tue at 7? that italian place?"
2) Next tier "hey, I'm so slammed at work...u having a good week?" (followed by endless banter about nothing)
3) last tier "I'm watching the most awesome band right now!!!" (sent to 15 girls). All get responses that basically say he's busy for now, but "sometime."

The guys think of it like economics, so if they are cute, successful, social, etc, they will then assume they can have 3 girlfriends (fake ones).

It's rather disgusting. However, the girls have to fill all of that extra time somehow, so they also date just as much. Which is ridiculous because everyone is dating EVERYONE at one time, instead of just picking one -- it's completely stupid imo.

So I've been seeking out guys who have been hiding under rocks to avoid this whole hierarchy...maybe they don't have as good social skills, but who cares...

@Jessica -- yeah in the beginning once or twice a week is totally normal. I mean after a few weeks or a month is where you'd usually be seeing each other more. But everyone is different of course.

[jessica129]

lol @ the 'tiers'. That is so true. I've even done it a few times but that's just because I wasn't in a serious relationship with anyone at that time..I don't necessarily think it's wrong to date around so long as you let the other person know you're not serious about it.

[tiny_dancer]

Wow. Sounds like people I never want to meet. A friend keeps trying to convince me to move up there. I'm sure the city's fun... but not fun enough to put up with that narcissistic crap. haha

(I'm not against getting to know more than one person before deciding who you want to be in a relationship with... It's more the ego-inflation by seeing how many people you can string along when you don't want to be with any of them that grosses me out.

[jewels]

lol @ the 'tiers'. That is so true. I've even done it a few times but that's just because I wasn't in a serious relationship with anyone at that time..I don't necessarily think it's wrong to date around so long as you let the other person know you're not serious about it.

oh of course. The problem is that they lead the girls on with a variety of BS sort of tactics. This is more amusing to them as it's more of a challenge than just dating girls who don't want relationships. That's the problem I have w/ it.

I could probably also write a book of the BS tactics.

"If we were together, you have no idea what I'd do for you." (however, not together and never gonna be together)
"I've been carrying around this business card for three years. (a therapist's card) I meant to call after my divorce. I've put it off for three years, but now....now it's time!! Next week I'm calling."
"The truth is, I did have another couple of dates this week, but I wasn't excited at all about them -- I was really, really excited to go out with you."
"I want to see where this goes."
"I never said I didn't want a relationship with you"
"I'm still just so hurt after my (divorce/last relationship/cat died/etc)...but I think in time this could be really great!"
"Who knows, maybe we are a perfect match."
"what are you plans? You know, where do you want to settle down?"
"I wouldn't be dating you if I didn't see it going somewhere."
"The more I get to know you, the more I want to be together with you"

(and of course you can mix and match the phrases together).

uh, bleck.

[1981slater]

Are IEEs clingy?

PA-RA-SI-TE

[jewels]

Wow. Sounds like people I never want to meet. A friend keeps trying to convince me to move up there. I'm sure the city's fun... but not fun enough to put up with that narcissistic crap. haha

(I'm not against getting to know more than one person before deciding who you want to be in a relationship with... It's more the ego-inflation by seeing how many people you can string along when you don't want to be with any of them that grosses me out.

well I do know people in relationships or even who are married, so it does happen. Though sometimes those end up being *cough* sugar mama relationships where the guy makes less...I mean, uh, true love exists!!

[jessica129]

Yeah, I could never imagine stringing someone along just for an ego boost.

Jewels, you're in NYC? I have a feeling that city would eat me alive. Chicago is a city, yeah, but I feel like NYC is like Chicago on crack. I couldn't imagine how hard it has to be dating there.

[jewels]

Yeah, I could never imagine stringing someone along just for an ego boost.

Jewels, you're in NYC? I have a feeling that city would eat me alive. Chicago is a city, yeah, but I feel like NYC is like Chicago on crack. I couldn't imagine how hard it has to be dating there.

LOl well it's probably fairly similar in any big city, but yeah...it's a bunch of 25 to 35s in a tiny geographic area and a ton of models and hot people as well. luckily I have a group of girlfriends and we bitch about things pretty much constantly. However, there are some really decent guys as well. It's just separating them out that is tricky...

I've never been to chicago but have heard nothing but good things

[Simon Ssmall]

No problem! But I was afraid you felt offended...

No I didn't, sorry if it appeared like that .

Yeah...I was kinda feeling a little odd about that because when I'm dating someone, I normally only see them 2-3 times a week.

Does that mean you date two other girls when dating some poor bugger?

[jessica129]

Does that mean you date two other girls when dating some poor bugger?

Can't say I've ever dated a woman before

[dattebayo]

Are IEEs clingy?

no

[implied]

jewels' nyc stories are fascinating but giving me nightmares. there's no way i could hang with that and i wouldn't even want to try. seems like every relationship would make me paranoid. curious but why do you think you've noticed more people marrying sugar mamas? is is like because she supports herself somehow they're not getting taken or that she would have less requirements? or is it just not being into being an oldschool breadwinner and taking care of a woman? totally weird.

[jewels]

jewels' nyc stories are fascinating but giving me nightmares. there's no way i could hang with that and i wouldn't even want to try. seems like every relationship would make me paranoid. curious but why do you think you've noticed more people marrying sugar mamas? is is like because she supports herself somehow they're not getting taken or that she would have less requirements? or is it just not being into being an oldschool breadwinner and taking care of a woman? totally weird.

the sugar mama thing only comes into play when the guy has no money, such as an aspiring anything, so it's a good deal for him to stick to one girl if she has $. The guys who make good money have no need for that and can date several. So far I haven't seen any guys who don't fit into one category or the other, but that could be due to my bitter outlook. I'm sure there are plenty of decent guys, such as the ones on vacation from the midwest...*end rant*

[3RainbowSprinkles]

I definitely know clinglyness is not a strong suite of mine. I know i love to love the person Im with and be close with them all the time and its easy for me to fall into that trap. I am constantly watching out for myself in that area when entering a romantic relationship :]