SLE/ESTp reaction to close person having emotional outburst?

[Sirena]

How would an SLE react to a significant other having an emotional outburst? ie. crying and saying things like "why don't you care about me"

[Gilly]

A healthy one would remain calm and try to figure out why you are upset.

An unhealthy one would ignore you and chalk up your ramblings to moodiness and an inability to control your emotions.

[Trevor]

Maybe this could help:

In any situation that requires the ability to “catch” the nuances in moods of others, the tones of attitudes between other people and towards herself, the SLE suffers an internal feeling of nervousness. She is apt to understand a person’s financial concerns, but not in how to emotionally comfort someone who, on the verge of tears, asks for empathy. In such cases the SLE may, in an authoritative tone, give logical instructions: i.e. “Do something! Make this so, and this thus, and I will help you.” She thereby uses her strong functions in situations where she doesn’t successfully operate; in the sphere of ethics and relations.

[ESTP]

Maybe this could help:

YUP

[Ezra]

A healthy one would remain calm and try to figure out why you are upset.

An unhealthy one would ignore you and chalk up your ramblings to moodiness and an inability to control your emotions.

I'd say that was pretty accurate.

I'd also add that an average/unhealthy SLE might get frustrated that the significant other can't control themselves as well as the SLE can (of course, this may even be true for a healthy SLE).

[Sirena]

Yeah this is pretty much in line to what I was thinking and have been experiencing lately. The part about ignoring it then when that bothers me, getting annoyed that I can't control my emotions and therefore constantly chucks it up to moodiness and me just trying to create problems. He deeply resents me for this and has become pretty inflexible about it. No matter how much good there is in the relationship, how many good times (and there are many/most), one very small episode like this is enough to turn everything negative in his mind. It's very painful to me because even though we're great 99% of the time, things like these (which are inevitable for me) will cancel everything else out to him. I guess his Fi polr is pretty obvious especially in situations like these because he seems completely incapable of having an accurate perception of the relationship. During moments like these, he will say that we are always fighting and constantly have problems and it baffles me. I'm just thinking "WHAT THE FUCK! are we talking about the same relationship here." lol. This is when just the day before he was telling me how huge of a change I've made in his life and how happy he is to have found someone that understands him. I'd usually find it funny, even endearing, but we just had a fight. Well, not a fight, more like him talking out of his ass about how we're constantly fighting and me getting hurt over some of the things he said like "the only times we're ever okay is when we're not together." I know he didn't mean that and he sort of rephrased it later but it still hurt.

So...how does this SLE thing work with IEI's? How does this all play into the duality? I'm pretty sensitive and I have a hard time not expressing that or getting my feelings hurt pretty easily. Would this not bother other IEI's?

P.S. lol he keeps glancing over this way as I type, not realizing I'm noticing him doing it. god, he's just so stubborn and proud!!! but I can't help to want to jump over there and punch him in the mouth, but then I'd also want to kiss it better and just love him. sigh.

[duality is cringe]

I do not have polr. He'll never care for you like I can, Sirena.

[Satan]

sirena, maybe you shouldn't get so infested in it .. every realtionship has ups and downs ..

the more you focus on "the relationship" the more there isn't a relationship, and instead there's the concept of what could have / has been.

[ESTP]

1. Take a step back.
2. Stop being so sensitive.
3. STOP doing what you're doing that'll piss him off. Listen, it's a give and take. Love's not always about having the other person accept you, it's also you attempting to rectify your own personality pitfalls.

The onus isn't just on him to embrace you as you are, it's also on you to prevent what's causing turmoil.

Another thing is...when I super duper care about someone...but am insecure with the relationship, I will unwittingly test them by ways of harsh words, or the treat of a breakup. To see if this person is going to "WTF...you better not go or else" because if they for even a moment, hesitate to reassure, I will bolt faster than Zeus.

Also, because of the fact that he said "This is when just the day before he was telling me how huge of a change I've made in his life and how happy he is to have found someone that understands him." and then acts werid and seems alof the next day is because he probably didn't get the reaction he wanted/needed from you.

I had practically EXACTLY the same situation a few days ago with my IEI dood...and althought it wasn't quite what I expected, I know him enough that his behaviour, choice of words, and response was exactly what I needed but presented in his own way.

Treat carefully. That looking at you while ur on the comp sounds to me like, there's an issue that you're not facing. I think he wants to talk, but doesn't want to innitiate it. Careful... just sayin'

[Satan]

of course too much testing, and you should just push them away until they can get over themselves...

[sigma]

So...how does this SLE thing work with IEI's? How does this all play into the duality? I'm pretty sensitive and I have a hard time not expressing that or getting my feelings hurt pretty easily. Would this not bother other IEI's?

"why don't you care about me" ?

So let me get this straight, you like the SLE for his independence and his ability to bring you back to the present moment when you get too lost in the meanderings of your thoughts and, yet, you have the nerve to project a brainfart like that upon him. What should the SLE DO to show you that he cares? Behave like every other looser you don't like?

SLE is not someone you control directly, like in "CARE about me immediately!"
SLE is someone you savor and when he whips you butt for being a whining little bitch, you don't say "why don't you care"... but rather "thank you for saving me from the demons of my mind".

Master de Mello said: "The present moment is never unbearable. It is what you think is coming in the next five minutes, or five days, weeks or months that drives you to despair."

I give praise for the shear awesomeness of SLE's ability to reconnect with the present moment!

[Ezra]

I do not have polr. He'll never care for you like I can, Sirena.

ahahahahah

[Sirena]

I do not have polr. He'll never care for you like I can, Sirena.

aww lol <3<3 w/e you're beta anyway

sirena, maybe you shouldn't get so infested in it .. every realtionship has ups and downs ..

the more you focus on "the relationship" the more there isn't a relationship, and instead there's the concept of what could have / has been.

I know what you mean and trust me, I've tried to do that. But it's virtually impossible for me to do. Once I'm in, I'm all in. It's all or nothing for me, unfortunately. My emotions just don't operate half-way.

1. Take a step back.
2. Stop being so sensitive.
3. STOP doing what you're doing that'll piss him off. Listen, it's a give and take. Love's not always about having the other person accept you, it's also you attempting to rectify your own personality pitfalls.

The onus isn't just on him to embrace you as you are, it's also on you to prevent what's causing turmoil.

This is really good advice and all 3 points are things I've been trying to work on. And the thing is that I know I'm doing better. He just doesn't always see that. He'll see it when everything is okay, but after anything happens (regardless of how small it is), in his mind he blows up the negative to such a crazy extent that it distorts EVERYTHING. It just feels like it's at a point where I'm the only one trying to rectify and work on things, while he automatically takes on this "it's all shit anyway, it's not gonna change so what's the point."

Another thing is...when I super duper care about someone...but am insecure with the relationship, I will unwittingly test them by ways of harsh words, or the treat of a breakup. To see if this person is going to "WTF...you better not go or else" because if they for even a moment, hesitate to reassure, I will bolt faster than Zeus.

See, I get this and I know in part this is what he is doing. But my impulse won't always be to reassure him. Fuck, I need reassurance every once in a while too! lol. Which is when I "act up" and he fails to give it to me then. He can yell and call me a whiny little bitch or whatever but ignoring me is like killing me. So sometimes I'm inclined to just say "fine, you wanna throw it all away, go ahead and maybe you'll learn to appreciate it." I don't know that I want to send the message that he has no responsibility in keeping this relationship alive and helping it grow.

Also, because of the fact that he said "This is when just the day before he was telling me how huge of a change I've made in his life and how happy he is to have found someone that understands him." and then acts werid and seems alof the next day is because he probably didn't get the reaction he wanted/needed from you.

Nah he was totally fine into the next day until I got emotional and needed reassurance, then he proceeded to ignore me, I cried myself to sleep while he did NOTHING and when I tried to talk about it hours later he started on the whole "we always have problems" thing.

I had practically EXACTLY the same situation a few days ago with my IEI dood...and althought it wasn't quite what I expected, I know him enough that his behaviour, choice of words, and response was exactly what I needed but presented in his own way.

What was his reaction?

Treat carefully. That looking at you while ur on the comp sounds to me like, there's an issue that you're not facing. I think he wants to talk, but doesn't want to innitiate it. Careful... just sayin'

But I'm the one trying to face the issues and talk them through! Trust me, the biggest problem is that he doesn't even want to talk about it. Every time I said something, he wasn't open to it. He doesn't have a "let's try to figure this out attitude." Not at all. He continues to claim that his actions are a result of my emotional episodes, period. That it is all my fault and he is sick of "problems" (but that he loves me and doesn't wanna break up). The only reason my emotions even get out of control to that extent is because he ignores me when I need him the most. He doesn't want to talk about it at all anymore though, he said so. To him he is right, period. No discussion. The end.

[Sirena]

"why don't you care about me" ?

So let me get this straight, you like the SLE for his independence and his ability to bring you back to the present moment when you get too lost in the meanderings of your thoughts and, yet, you have the nerve to project a brainfart like that upon him. What should the SLE DO to show you that he cares? Behave like every other looser you don't like?

SLE is not someone you control directly, like in "CARE about me immediately!"
SLE is someone you savor and when he whips you butt for being a whining little bitch, you don't say "why don't you care"... but rather "thank you for saving me from the demons of my mind".

Master de Mello said: "The present moment is never unbearable. It is what you think is coming in the next five minutes, or five days, weeks or months that drives you to despair."

I give praise for the shear awesomeness of SLE's ability to reconnect with the present moment!

Yeah I do see what you mean (lol I like how you put it too). And I do realize that even though it may not feel like what I need (and def not what I want) at the time, it is often exactly what I need to snap me the hell out of it.

God I can be so fucking needy most of the time! Funny thing is that he claims to like it, so that's good. I just wish...hell I dunno. I'm probably overreacting as usual. But what if I'm not and I'm making an ass out of myself. Sometimes it just makes me feel pitiful. blah bleh blahbalaahbgukfieuahghigkhg...........
Reading what you wrote actually soothed me, for some reason.

I'd probably just give them time to vent for a while and then try to talk things through after they've calmed down a bit.

That sounds nice.

[Sirena]

P.S. It's great to see so many ESTp's on the forum these days!!!!!!!!!!

Please don't leave!

[Creepy-Cyclops]

Maybe you are SEI

But seriously, I know an IEI-SLE couple, they're married, but she never seems happy with him. I've seen her burst into tears and stuff after a phone call conversation, then like 10 minutes later she seems fine again, then later on can "go" again. Dunno what to make of it, it sounds like a difficult relationship to me, but she isn't short of offers from other guys and she's been with him for a while (even before they got married) so she must be happy not being happy for some reason, is what i've thought.

[sigma]

I'm probably overreacting as usual. But what if I'm not and I'm making an ass out of myself.

Having a great intuition is easy for an IEI, trusting that intuition is HARD.

So go with the flow.... stop chewing your brains out.
USE your SLE to get in the flow...

[Sirena]

Having a great intuition is easy for an IEI, trusting that intuition is HARD.

YES YES YES YES YES aaaaaaaand YES! sigh

So go with the flow.... stop chewing your brains out.
USE your SLE to get in the flow...

*deep breath* okay. i hope i can remember not to forget this :wink:

[sigma]

i hope i can remember not to forget this :wink:

I'll give you a technique for reseting your brain. It works wonders for me.

When you realize you are on a wrong path of thoughts and want to reset your brain, enter a quick emergency meditation by following the technique of Nhat Hanh: When you inhale say "IN", when you exhale say "OUT". You don't have to pay attention to anything else other than your breathing, so, don't bother with positions or silence or anything. Just mark the inhale and exhale in your mind using the words IN and OUT. That's all. A long silent IIIIIIINNNNNN and a long silent OUUUUUUUT.

Try it now for 3 breaths just to get a good idea about how powerful and effective it is.

Use it often and you will get better at accessing it when you truly need it.

[ESTP]

What was his reaction?

Well, we were sitting side by side, and usually always touching...after I said that I think he was a little taken a back, because I usually don't express myself in such a geniune almost heartfelt way.

He ended up leaning in closer, and chalking up the situation to my own doing. He basically said "i may have given you advice, or suggested somethings...but you're the one who actually did it, so it's you're the one who's made things for the better, i might have just helped you guide you there" or something along those lines, in a more sentimental sense and his tone of voice changed to a much more softer and intimate tone. I dunno...it was nice, and he is a guy afterall so....

But ya after that, the tone of conversation was just overall more sentimental-like. I think he really like the fact that I "opened up" like that, because I usually don't and am generally resistant to it.

He complained before that I don't open up to him...he even said it to my mom (yiykes!) lol so I've been really trying as of then, and it's worked for the better. And, I feel more free withmyself and more comfertable.

Overall, he's been such an eye opener. But...not just because he does the right things, but because he's also adapted to my ways. I guess he understands me, so he does things that help me in my own way but at the same time...gives me enough room and pressure too to open up the way he wants me to. It's a perf. balance. Seems so.