One more small rant about deltas before I hit the hay (Jeesh I'm tired)
At first I was greatly addicted to Deltas' um kind of 'Moralistic healing' card. They claimed to want to heal me to fix me up to be a productive member of society. Hey I'm not mocking the cliche, it's something we all want. Their intentions are pure, like vanilla cane- I could almost smell it. And I wanted it so badly. To just be cleansed by a fire so pure. But it was too pure, too wholesome it would destroy me.
But then they made me feel so guilty. For realizing my own faults all too clealry and making me feel nervous and uptight and aw shucks about the least little bit self-indulgence I got myself into. It's like, their Fi was too.. too much of a white laser beam thrusting inside my chest. They wouldn't let me be a whore when I needed to be, wouldn't let me slip up and just let me make my own mistakes. I agreed with them in principal but it was like they were so disconnected from real trial and error all their 'wise sayings' and craps began to feel like harsh judgements I couldn't fight. I was whatever they thought I am...
They were nagging and prodding like nosey busybody moms that want you to do 'the right thing.' At the time it didnt' feel so bad like they could really help but looking back, they were just... overly moralistic and too judgemental with me. Like it's true, they represented everything I wish I could be but I couldn't be that, I am just a regular earthly-driven ol' smelly Beta that likes the smell of feet- they tried to inspire and aspire me to be more. But I just felt left out. I want somebody to appreciate my darkness, what's so hard about understanding that? I need somebody to love my demon, my dark side. No offense but most interaction with deltas in real life feel like they're kind of, like well I'm watching a preachy after school special. I need to learn change and grow but I just ugggaahhghaghghhghgaghaghhgghghghgh.
Don't take this the wrong way. IT's just. Ugh.