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Thread: SLEs/ESTps giving compliments indirectly

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    Default SLEs/ESTps giving compliments indirectly

    According to some people, the SLEs I know are always complimenting me, but never to my face. Apparently they will be the first person in the room to say something like "that was such a good idea," "she does such good work," "she is so pretty/smart/etc."
    Whenever I hear this, I'm always like "WTF?" because these people make no indication to me of remotely liking or respecting me. I'm always surprised, flattered, and really confused why they never say these things in my presence.
    Can anyone explain this?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    According to some people, the SLEs I know are always complimenting me, but never to my face. Apparently they will be the first person in the room to say something like "that was such a good idea," "she does such good work," "she is so pretty/smart/etc."
    Whenever I hear this, I'm always like "WTF?" because these people make no indication to me of remotely liking or respecting me. I'm always surprised, flattered, and really confused why they never say these things in my presence.
    Can anyone explain this?
    Well, in Dutch we have a saying, which fits SLE's the most "Big mounth, tiny heart." You're simply a hot woman, but they lack the courage to say that straight in your face, being afraid of rejection. Take it as a compliment
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    I find secondhand compliments more sincere and less embarrassing for both parties.
    "Language is the Rubicon that divides man from beast."

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    Most people I know don't give complements directly. It's more a sort of thing that's done when describing someone eg he or she is a good worker and is a nice person or is hot! I'm not sure if it's just related to ESTp's. Although i'm interested, do some people give direct compliments? They kinda make me embarrassed, but I do think people aren't told their plus points often enough, so I try to remember to pay compliments when they are genuine.

    For myself, I think I know when a compliment is genuine, cause it's kinda off hand like for example my ex boss told me when I was consistently making target and everyone else was way off that it was because, "of the effort and work I put in". when I had said before hand, "I just get lucky sometimes" (which is maybe opposite of a self compliment because I was putting myself down).

    I think I am my own good judge of what I'm good at, and if someone compliments me in a way which is something that I don't think i'm good at, i'm not sure if I should believe it or take it as genuine.

    I sort of got off topic here, sorry Ritella. I would be interested to hear if you (or others) give compliments easily and/or frequently. If so, what do you do if the person doesn't deserve a compliment?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyclops View Post
    Most people I know don't give complements directly. It's more a sort of thing that's done when describing someone eg he or she is a good worker and is a nice person or is hot! I'm not sure if it's just related to ESTp's. Although i'm interested, do some people give direct compliments? They kinda make me embarrassed, but I do think people aren't told their plus points often enough, so I try to remember to pay compliments when they are genuine.

    For myself, I think I know when a compliment is genuine, cause it's kinda off hand like for example my ex boss told me when I was consistently making target and everyone else was way off that it was because, "of the effort and work I put in". when I had said before hand, "I just get lucky sometimes" (which is maybe opposite of a self compliment because I was putting myself down).

    I think I am my own good judge of what I'm good at, and if someone compliments me in a way which is something that I don't think i'm good at, i'm not sure if I should believe it or take it as genuine.

    I sort of got off topic here, sorry Ritella. I would be interested to hear if you (or others) give compliments easily and/or frequently. If so, what do you do if the person doesn't deserve a compliment?
    I always give people compliments and was shocked to find that some might get embarassed by it. Why? I love getting compliments and I love giving them. I don't throw around false ones...I usually take notice of something someone does well and then compliment them on it. Being offended by a compliment is baffling to me.

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    Creepy-Cyclops

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129 View Post
    I always give people compliments and was shocked to find that some might get embarassed by it. Why? I love getting compliments and I love giving them. I don't throw around false ones...I usually take notice of something someone does well and then compliment them on it. Being offended by a compliment is baffling to me.
    Yeah it's something i'm working on. I don't have any hard and fast rules on it, maybe I don't know anyone who deserves compliments. Most people I know probably suck (including me )

    I suppose I think people just do what they have to. Sometimes if someone does something that really impresses me, I don't quite know how to put it in words without it seeming corny. So I either say nothing and just think how well they do something, or I just say something simple like, "well done". I have to improve on it!

    And compliments making me feel embarrassed, maybe I don't feel embarrassed maybe I just feel..something, kinda like it's cool to be acknowledged for being good at something i've worked hard at being good at, but then if I know i've been good at it then I take satisfaction from that myself on my own.

    Maybe compliments are a way of helping to relieve insecurities.

    Or maybe i'm just talking a lot of crap really haha :-)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyclops View Post
    Although i'm interested, do some people give direct compliments?
    I do, but it seems to be embarassing for most people (on the receiving hand). I try to avoid indirect compliments, they seem to be useless (but I understand their purpose - they just seem useless to me)
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    I actually do give compliments directly and indirectly. Though, I wouldn't really describe it as "complimenting." It's more like I just state my opinion, good or bad, on people/things all the time. And I don't do it for a certain desired reaction; I just do it because....I don't think before I speak?

    Most people don't compliment me; if they do, I'm oblivious to it. The thing with the SLEs that's weird is that I get the impression that they HATE me when I interact with them, and then I'll hear stories about how their singing my praises, so I'm just like .
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    I actually do give compliments directly and indirectly. Though, I wouldn't really describe it as "complimenting." It's more like I just state my opinion, good or bad, on people/things all the time. And I don't do it for a certain desired reaction; I just do it because....I don't think before I speak?

    Most people don't compliment me; if they do, I'm oblivious to it. The thing with the SLEs that's weird is that I get the impression that they HATE me when I interact with them, and then I'll hear stories about how their singing my praises, so I'm just like .
    Maybe they just feel like they'd be exposing themselves too much. Especially if they don't know what you think of them. Like a defense mechanism... In case they find out you don't think highly of them, it would protect their ego.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jem View Post
    Maybe they just feel like they'd be exposing themselves too much. Especially if they don't know what you think of them. Like a defense mechanism... In case they find out you don't think highly of them, it would protect their ego.
    that's interesting. i hadn't thought of that.
    sometimes i worry that there's some sort of ulterior motive behind their compliments.
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    if i met you id compliment u if it was genuine. i hate giving insincere compliments, and i hate lying. im good at it, but i dont like to. cause i dont want neone to lie to me. im very paranoid about people schemin against me so i like to be very honest and upfront with people.

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    Quote Originally Posted by consentingadult View Post
    Well, in Dutch we have a saying, which fits SLE's the most "Big mounth, tiny heart." You're simply a hot woman, but they lack the courage to say that straight in your face, being afraid of rejection. Take it as a compliment
    So if she has a good idea or does good work it's because she's hot? I don't think so. Also, how does mentioning how attractive someone is have anything to do with rejection?

    However, if, Ritella, they are saying you're hot, then I'd be inclined to agree with CA.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jem View Post
    I find secondhand compliments more sincere and less embarrassing for both parties.
    Agreed.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ritella View Post
    According to some people, the SLEs I know are always complimenting me, but never to my face. Apparently they will be the first person in the room to say something like "that was such a good idea," "she does such good work," "she is so pretty/smart/etc."
    Whenever I hear this, I'm always like "WTF?" because these people make no indication to me of remotely liking or respecting me. I'm always surprised, flattered, and really confused why they never say these things in my presence.
    Can anyone explain this?
    I think it might be related to Introverted Ethics, to what is "appropriate"...
    Maybe they think that complimenting you directly will be like coming on to you.
    Maybe they think that complimenting you directly might "prove" they have a "soft spot" for you.

    I love second hand compliments because they spare me the embarrassment of having to respond to a compliment.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Diana View Post
    Recently I ended up feeling like I had missed something when I got a secondhand compliment. I had come in to the tail end of 2 flight instructors talking, and one told me that the other had been praising my flying that day. Since I didn't get to hear exactly what had been said, I didn't know what he had mentioned as being good.

    I think, for that reason, I like direct compliments better. You get more of an idea of what they're complimenting.
    Is a secondhand compliment just as good if you're in earshot at the time?



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    Quote Originally Posted by Diana View Post
    Recently I ended up feeling like I had missed something when I got a secondhand compliment. I had come in to the tail end of 2 flight instructors talking, and one told me that the other had been praising my flying that day. Since I didn't get to hear exactly what had been said, I didn't know what he had mentioned as being good.

    I think, for that reason, I like direct compliments better. You get more of an idea of what they're complimenting.
    But the problem with direct compliments, is that they can be filtered. If I peripherally hear someone making a positive observation about me to someone else, I know definitively that it is real and genuine. But, a lot of times when people praise you directly, even if it's genuine, they adorn it and such; so, I can never be completely sure how to interpret compliments like that. Also, most adults these days praise kids for -losing- so if I know they're in that kind of mindset, I'll be skeptical regardless.

    This is why I dole out real compliments just as frequently as real criticisms -- because it isn't about positive or negative, just keeping benchmarks of what is actually happening, and not misleading people.
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    Quote Originally Posted by strrrng View Post
    But the problem with direct compliments, is that they can be filtered. If I peripherally hear someone making a positive observation about me to someone else, I know definitively that it is real and genuine. But, a lot of times when people praise you directly, even if it's genuine, they adorn it and such; so, I can never be completely sure how to interpret compliments like that. Also, most adults these days praise kids for -losing- so if I know they're in that kind of mindset, I'll be skeptical regardless.

    This is why I dole out real compliments just as frequently as real criticisms -- because it isn't about positive or negative, just keeping benchmarks of what is actually happening, and not misleading people.
    Yes. I like, and agree with, this.
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    I secretly want compliments, but when they happen, I don't always know how to respond.. or end up playing it down.

    Actually,any compliment that points out strength or intelligence or some level of "usefulness" don't do anything for me. Anything sexual otoh is a plus.

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    Quote Originally Posted by smccosker View Post
    if i met you id compliment u if it was genuine. i hate giving insincere compliments, and i hate lying.
    Agreed.

    Very, very rarely do I compliment someone and not mean it. I think I did once, with an ex, on her haircut. I hated it. I told her I liked it, but it turned out it would've been okay if I'd told her the truth, because she told me a few seconds later she didn't like it.

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