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Thread: Deltas: what makes you feel alive?

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    Default Deltas: what makes you feel alive?

    What activity or interaction particularly makes you feel "alive"?

    For some people it's singing or dancing, others it may be getting lost in a book. Maybe skateboarding or creating art or running. Teaching. If I had to pick an emphasis, it would be what things you do with other people - teaching, watching a movie together with friends, whatever. But it can be anything.

    I implore you to do more than just pick something you "like doing". For example, I have enjoyed watching a movie, teaching someone something new, flirting with girls/etc, playing videogames. But some things that really make me feel alive, and have a certain energy to them all of their own - those things are separate from just "things I like to do".


    One of them is playing something like Frisbee. Or even just the act of throwing and running one down and catching it. It's like a dog playing fetch I suppose. It's therapeutic for me, to just run, and do. I've liked other sports things, but, the nature of doing that is all its own.

    Another is, actually, running a meeting. Very strange. But, provided people actually want to do something, it's one of the most exhilarating and personally rewarding things I do. Running / facilitating a meeting where people are deciding things and making decisions, and then actually carrying out those projects and executing them - this is something that deeply makes me feel alive. Sometimes I have to restrain or contain myself, especially if I'm not actually "in charge" (I had this happen tonight). Seeing "the troops" there, people working on different projects, little side meetings, people wanting to contribute and move towards their goals, it is really a great thing. I realize a large part of it is having good people to work with / people who actually want to do work. But even without that, I still like facilitating such things.



    Those are a few things, I may add more later.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    ooh fun question!

    when I was younger i'd get a rush from kind of shallow things. If a guy I was dating liked me! woo hoo! Or if the club had amazing ambiance. Or if I was living in a very fast-paced way. Or a bunch of compliments (very ENFp I guess), or if people seemed to think I had it "together." But now none of that is interesting to me at all because it's so easy to break it down and see that it's just a thin veil with absolutely nothing behind it, and the hottest restaurants and clubs just have an extra layer of interior decorating on the walls and who the heck cares. And the shallow social things are the same.

    So now, those moments where you get that "rush" of being alive...

    Rare moments when playing sports or dancing when it all just seems very human and everyone forgets to present themselves as they "should" and instead just are, and you can completely see everyone's natural personality -- for bad or good -- come out. Also, especially in group sports you can see the sort of primitive human stuff appear and it reminds me that we really are cavepeople at heart and do best with simple tasks, in person, in small groups like little tribes. I think people are happiest like that.

    But aside from that, I feel the most alive when I'm suddenly talking with someone, often someone new, and just by talking or whatever it feels like we somehow transcend all the mundane crap and life seems to take on a whole new meaning just by discussing something or seeing it in a new light. It's like this mutual understanding of "this isn't all for nothing."

    Those are such rare moments and the people, hard to find. But I think when someone effortlessly knows you, even if they are a stranger, but you feel that understanding from the start and they don't see what you do or say as bad or good, but just accept it as is, I think that is the coolest thing ever. And to me, that's really what it's all about, that sort of natural mutual understanding.
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    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    But aside from that, I feel the most alive when I'm suddenly talking with someone, often someone new, and just by talking or whatever it feels like we somehow transcend all the mundane crap and life seems to take on a whole new meaning just by discussing something or seeing it in a new light. It's like this mutual understanding of "this isn't all for nothing."
    I think its similar with me, but i still think essentially its all for nothing as im not religeous hehe. But yeah when i am talking with someone, and i can just feel the bond happening, like its getting stronger and stronger as i speak. I feel very happy and amazing when that happens. I think its the same feeling though, things seem to have almost transcended.

    Doing physical things tends to make me feel very alive too, because i really dont get enough of them. I went for a swim in this place underneath a waterfall on a recent holiday. The water was chilling to the bone, really cold. No one on the tour wanted to swim there but i swam all the way out then heaps of people followed. That water was so invigorating i dont know what it was but i felt amazing.
    Last edited by meatburger; 01-27-2009 at 11:55 AM.
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    doing shit that has the potential to kill me. or doing shit that has the potential for me to create something awesome(AND useful)
    "Those who make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities..."

    - Voltaire

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    Slippery when wet Simon Ssmall's Avatar
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    I feel really alive on a few occasions. One of them is meeting new people, I dunno, its like a drug to me, I love it, talking with them and getting to know them is somewhat intoxicating. Getting them to open up is like a drug, the harder it is the more satisfying it is also.

    One of the things that makes me go wild inside is acting, i rarely get the chance but I really love it. I come alive, I completely loose myself when acting, too bad i rarely if ever have a chance and knowing how much work it is (my father was an actor and i basically grew up in a theater) it never was an option for me to pursue a career in that field as I'm as lazy as possible. In similar fashion I enjoy playing charades and I'm very good at it

    Another would be rowing with a boat, its makes me feel good, i love every bit of it.

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    Creepy-Cyclops

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    Quote Originally Posted by jewels View Post
    ooh fun question!

    when I was younger i'd get a rush from kind of shallow things. If a guy I was dating liked me! woo hoo! Or if the club had amazing ambiance. Or if I was living in a very fast-paced way. Or a bunch of compliments (very ENFp I guess), or if people seemed to think I had it "together." But now none of that is interesting to me at all because it's so easy to break it down and see that it's just a thin veil with absolutely nothing behind it, and the hottest restaurants and clubs just have an extra layer of interior decorating on the walls and who the heck cares. And the shallow social things are the same.
    lol. This makes me laugh, in a "cute" way not in a bad way! It can be summed up with an expression my SLI friend and I use to describe it, "It's all bullshit" But it's said in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent from the film Predator (he follows on to say, "You set us up!!!!" when talking to Dillon, anyway I digress) Not much of a saying, but as we occasionally quote Schwarzenegger lines, it makes us laugh.
    Quote Originally Posted by jewels
    So now, those moments where you get that "rush" of being alive...

    Rare moments when playing sports or dancing when it all just seems very human and everyone forgets to present themselves as they "should" and instead just are, and you can completely see everyone's natural personality -- for bad or good -- come out. Also, especially in group sports you can see the sort of primitive human stuff appear and it reminds me that we really are cavepeople at heart and do best with simple tasks, in person, in small groups like little tribes. I think people are happiest like that.
    I agree.
    Quote Originally Posted by jewels
    But aside from that, I feel the most alive when I'm suddenly talking with someone, often someone new, and just by talking or whatever it feels like we somehow transcend all the mundane crap and life seems to take on a whole new meaning just by discussing something or seeing it in a new light. It's like this mutual understanding of "this isn't all for nothing."

    Those are such rare moments and the people, hard to find. But I think when someone effortlessly knows you, even if they are a stranger, but you feel that understanding from the start and they don't see what you do or say as bad or good, but just accept it as is, I think that is the coolest thing ever. And to me, that's really what it's all about, that sort of natural mutual understanding.
    I like this, but it happens too rarely. (edit: maybe that's contributes to making it good, that it happens rarely.)

    Quote Originally Posted by meatburger View Post
    Doing physical things tends to make me feel very alive too, because i really dont get enough of them. I went for a swim in this place underneath a waterfall on a recent holiday. The water was chilling to the bone, really cold. No one on the tour wanted to swim there but i swam all the way out then heaps of people followed. That water was so invigorating i dont know what it was but i felt amazing.
    Sounds great. Love that stuff.
    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    doing shit that has the potential to kill me. or doing shit that has the potential for me to create something awesome(AND useful)
    I used to be like this when I was younger. After a few injuries i'm kinda more careful now.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ssmall View Post
    Another would be rowing with a boat, its makes me feel good, i love every bit of it.

    Cool. Which one is you ?
    Quote Originally Posted by Salawa View Post
    Second, picking out furniture and domestic items of all things (or even just browsing at IKEA, heh). I have a minor "obsession" with boxes and storage... and ok, picking out domestic things in general is fun and almost "fulfilling". I find myself asking people what brand of dishwashing liquid they use, does it affect their skin and are they happy with it? And does anyone have experience with Miele washing machines (I want one)? I'm pathetically domestic, and the IKEA catalogue is my bible.

    Some time in the last 5 years I transformed from a preoccupied and maybe lazy caterpillar into an IKEA catalogue-wielding butterfly (although still mostly preoccupied).
    This scares me. It makes me think of spending money lol (half joking ;P) I remember I used to live with a girl who was an IKEA "freak" and we used to go often. It got to the stage were she would go round the IKEA warehouse and I would sit in the cafeteria and have meatballs and chips!

    I would say that my place is functional and practical. Mmmmm, i'm thinking about putting a new kitchen in. I'm off to IKEA haha.


    For me:

    I like going "touring" that is cycling with my best mate (who is EII) for a few days around different parts of the west of Scotland Islands and sometimes further up north. Put in about 60 miles a day. It's great because you're really one with nature when you're doing it, and as it's a sort of holiday we're not putting the speed on to kill ourselves, just going at a steady pace. Moving from place to place there are a lot of travellers from around the world and every night you get to speak to a few of them in the hostel, then us and a few people from different countries will head down to the local pub for a few beers and exchange stories. It's a good feeling to have exercised all day, and for me it forms a close bond with my friend because we go through all sorts of stuff together during the day, and there's no hiding place cause sometimes you're pretty tired and everyones got to be themselves. (I occasionally go with a bigger group, and sometimes it is 3 of us as his brother comes along.) Then in the evening you.'re feeling a bit tired but fresh from the days exercise and you get to hear about all sorts of different cultures from around the world.

    Also when I go travelling to Europe in different places, this really energises me. I love going to different places and seeing the different architecture and culture and how people live. Sometimes people watching and wondering how they live their lives and the different things they do, yet at the end of the day they are still people like everyone with the same feelings but I wonder about their outlooks, probably essentially the same as well. I then start to wonder if I was born there what I would be like and if I would be doing the same things they are doing and what not.

    I like deep conversations with friends, and if I can have a deep conversation about how I feel with a partner I like that a lot.

    At work, I'm pretty good at solving problems and have good technical knowledge of the job, so I like being able to assist my team with problems they have and solve them for them and help them with it. I suppose this helps validate my feeling of being useful.

    I secretly like doing stuff for my friends and family, although I don't want to admit it incase they take advantage of it, probably more appropriately, I like doing practical stuff for others. For instance i've done a heap of stuff for my brother when he moved house, installing a fitted kitchen and bathroom and fixing the garden for him. One time he said to me, "you look like you're enjoying yourself" to which I quickly replied, "Na, I was just thinking about something funny" lol. I also feel really good when someone does something unexpected for me, although perhaps paradoxically.. I hardly ever ask, one thing that comes to mind was when I had lost my last job and I had and my friend came round unexpectedly with a take away meal and took me out for the evening. Pretty simple but it's nice to know someone cares when the chips are down. That's when you know who your real friends are I think, and I always try to remember it.
    Last edited by Cyclops; 01-27-2009 at 02:40 PM.

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    Nice pic, ssmall.

    Would it be wrong to say the thing that makes me feel the most alive is doing nothing at all? I'll see if I can think of something.

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    Slippery when wet Simon Ssmall's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cyclops View Post
    Cool. Which one is you ?
    I'm the one under the boat with a kitchen knife and a box of used pencils.

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129 View Post
    Nice pic, ssmall.
    Thanks, it's one of my favorites, pretty much shows me when i'm happy .
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    Let's go to fairyland Minde's Avatar
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    I really, really like that photo, Ssmall. It feels timeless...
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    Feel alive?

    I avoid it.

    So I guess ... making a mistake?
    First eliminate every possible source of error. Thence success is inevitable.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilingeyes View Post
    Feel alive?

    I avoid it.

    So I guess ... making a mistake?
    You must love to feel dead.
    "Those who make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities..."

    - Voltaire

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    Cycling, lifting weights, good books or films, anything that makes me feel totally immersed. The first two are great in that its a consciousness of movement and power, the latter because they are deeply internal experiences that can even feel almost spiritual.
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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard
    You must love to feel dead.
    Love? I think you missed my point there.

    Ok, I guess I owe you an explanation. I'm... satisfied. Placid. Content. I don't need any strong, high emotional content. This enables me to stay focused and in control. Whenever I actually DO want something, this enables me to focus and get it quickly. I don't need to rejoice. Rejoicing would blunt me and my senses. I'm trying to remain zen. Things are as they are, independent of my opinions, my desires, my choices. There is no need for me to feel alive. I am alive. I know it. It's enough.
    First eliminate every possible source of error. Thence success is inevitable.

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    I've thought about this a little more. Here are mine: exercising (as odd as that may sound) concerts, traveling somewhere new, a really good movie, theater, my pets, spending time with people I enjoy, eating a good meal, going to museums, learning things that interest me, trying out a new restaurant, going on a random walk alone, kids.....so basically anything really. I have simple pleasures.

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    I love seeing a new place for the first time. I have very vivid memories of several locations, and as sappy as it sounds, I feel a strong connection with nature in most of them. It's as if certain places activate my senses to the point that I take in as much around me in an instant, and I seek that rush.

    Some examples of this are: scrambling around between waterfalls at Hanging Lake in Colorado, hiking in the hills around Deep Springs College in California, climbing Wat Ko in Cambodia, sea kayaking near Smuggler's Cove in Whangarei NZ. I can recall the sights, sounds, smells, physical sensations AND this kind of awareness of my own heightened awareness.

    I also have had several experiences where action was the order of the moment, and I responded without hesitation. These are bittersweet times, because they involve stress and often injustice, for which I am not glad ... but it's one great feeling to be completely undivided within myself knowing that I'm doing the right thing. Most of the time, we're just doing what seems expedient, and it would be silly to dwell on the morality of the right- or wrong-ness. But when I'm really, truly needed, and I can rise to the occasion, I. Feel. Alive.

    I also like playing Frisbee, and I agree - running after the throws and then tossing the disc back can build to an intensity whereby I am completely in the moment. Oftentimes when I can get someone to play chaos-pong (that's ping-pong where you just keep going without rules), I'll laugh and laugh and laugh, and nobody but the two of us playing could ever understand what's funny - just something that happened somewhere in the volley ... I can also sometimes really get high off of dancing, especially when I'm in good shape. Turning my body into a highly kinetic sculpture is a really free feeling.

    Every now and then I spend some time just reviewing things that happen in my life, and I realize that a lot happens all the time right in front of me. And even when I think I'm appreciating it at the time, revisiting it often teaches me something - or, rather, I get *something* deeper out of it in reflection. It may sound funny, but it always makes me grateful both for the life I've led up to this point, and eager to see the next thing that's coming up. (And yes, this means just sitting staring off into space for sometimes hours on end - some of my roommates through the years have REALLY been weirded out by this!)
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    I feel alive during a religion discussion with peers.

    I feel alive just after a rain when it's fairly warm out and there's no wind.

    I feel alive when ... ....... ......

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    I don't think I quite like this question. But I can't put my finger on why exactly. Maybe it has something to do with what Smilingeyes referred to... Except without the trying. I just am. Hm.

    "Feeling alive" goes along with excitement and exhilaration. I tend to enjoy and move toward calm. So I think that maybe I don't want to "feel alive" all the time.

    Not that strong feeling is absent or does not have its place. Just that - it has its place. Which isn't every where and all the time. And when it does exist it is quite personal.

    Hm...

    Anyway, "what makes me feel alive" is not easily quantifiable, I don't think. At least, the answer is not quick in coming to me. I guess, like Salawa mentioned, teaching might be one thing. I love watching people grow in good directions and being able to be an encouraging part of that. Certain kinds of interaction with nature, too.
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    Living life on the edge?

    Heh, not really, but people do tend to say that I have an attraction for hazardous activities and risky adventures. I think this has faded (/is fading) through time though.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

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    I don't really understand the question.

    What makes me feel alive?

    What does it even mean?
    Ceci n'est pas une eii.




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    Quote Originally Posted by The Greeter View Post
    I don't really understand the question.

    What makes me feel alive?

    What does it even mean?
    What makes you feel the blood rushing through your veins, the kind of sensation that impresses upon you the poignancy of your existence beyond the hum drum goings-on most people call '21st century life'.

    ETA: This sounds overly physical a way to put it. It isn't just adrenaline. Profound moments of introspection where something amazing creeps over you and the world seems renewed, rejuvenated might be another example. Maybe the euphoria or exhaltation of everything suddenly making sense (in a cosmic or totality sort of way), even if the thing that set it off is a seemingly inconsequential piece, but it just happened to be the missing one.
    Moonlight will fall
    Winter will end
    Harvest will come
    Your heart will mend

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilingeyes View Post
    Love? I think you missed my point there.

    Ok, I guess I owe you an explanation. I'm... satisfied. Placid. Content. I don't need any strong, high emotional content. This enables me to stay focused and in control. Whenever I actually DO want something, this enables me to focus and get it quickly. I don't need to rejoice. Rejoicing would blunt me and my senses. I'm trying to remain zen. Things are as they are, independent of my opinions, my desires, my choices. There is no need for me to feel alive. I am alive. I know it. It's enough.
    Sure, I understand that.

    I wasn't asking about what emotionally moves you - "high emotional content". I don't like that much myself. But that is not what I think of when I feel alive. It's more a vitality, an experiencing sort of thing. It's more a sense of doing something, I suppose, rather than . I particularly don't like feeling emotionally drained, so I don't seek out "emotions". But I'm also not afraid of letting go as I once was, either.

    I have my states of zen and not needing to rejoice. But sometimes I like to shout, too. Sometimes I will smile when I see a pretty sunset, and that's feeling alive to me. Or sometimes I just bask in understanding, in knowing something, or in learning something - seeing a bit of the truth before me. But as I said, I will cheer during a sports match, or be amazed by a great play. I will sing to songs I like, too. And when I don't feel like doing any of that, I don't.


    @ Minde, hmm, I distinctly remember you talking about times you felt "alive". Perhaps "full of life" would be another way to put it. And it wasn't in a way that made you feel threatened, or exposed (referring to privacy or intimate things). It was things in regard to one of your jobs that you liked a great deal.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Quote Originally Posted by UDP
    Sure, I understand that.

    I wasn't asking about what emotionally moves you - "high emotional content". I don't like that much myself. But that is not what I think of when I feel alive. It's more a vitality, an experiencing sort of thing. It's more a sense of doing something, I suppose, rather than . I particularly don't like feeling emotionally drained, so I don't seek out "emotions". But I'm also not afraid of letting go as I once was, either.

    I have my states of zen and not needing to rejoice. But sometimes I like to shout, too. Sometimes I will smile when I see a pretty sunset, and that's feeling alive to me. Or sometimes I just bask in understanding, in knowing something, or in learning something - seeing a bit of the truth before me. But as I said, I will cheer during a sports match, or be amazed by a great play. I will sing to songs I like, too. And when I don't feel like doing any of that, I don't.
    Ok, what causes me pleasure is taking a step back and enjoying the show, whatever the show is, and understanding myself and my work in a larger context. When I observe that I have managed to avert some ill situation by correct action and that everything is just fine without me having to push for something. That's good. To notice that I have options, to be in some way reminded of the fact that I'm fundamentally free.
    First eliminate every possible source of error. Thence success is inevitable.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilingeyes View Post
    Ok, what causes me pleasure is taking a step back and enjoying the show, whatever the show is, and understanding myself and my work in a larger context. When I observe that I have managed to avert some ill situation by correct action and that everything is just fine without me having to push for something. That's good. To notice that I have options, to be in some way reminded of the fact that I'm fundamentally free.
    sorry, but just sitting in a chair going "i'm free" with a smile on my face won't cut the mustard for me.
    "Those who make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities..."

    - Voltaire

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    sorry, but just sitting in a chair going "i'm free" with a smile on my face won't cut the mustard for me.
    No apology needed. It's not supposed to be your cup of tea. It's mine.
    First eliminate every possible source of error. Thence success is inevitable.

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    Small its a picture that holds a thousand word and a memory shot that last enternity.
    (D)IEE~FI-(C)SLE~Ni E-5w4(Sp/Sx)/7w8(So/Sp)/9w1(sp/sx)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jarno View Post
    1)
    A girl who I want to date, asks me: well first tell me how tall you are?
    My reply: well I will answer that, if you first tell me how much you weigh!

    2)
    A girl I was dating said she was oh so great at sex etc, but she didn't do blowjobs.
    My reply: Oh I'm really romantic etc, I just will never take you out to dinner.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilingeyes View Post
    Ok, what causes me pleasure is taking a step back and enjoying the show, whatever the show is, and understanding myself and my work in a larger context. When I observe that I have managed to avert some ill situation by correct action and that everything is just fine without me having to push for something. That's good. To notice that I have options, to be in some way reminded of the fact that I'm fundamentally free.
    Hi Smilex. Hmm, is there simple pleasures in life which make you feel alive?

    Yeah I suppose this alive thing is a bit open to interpretations, but hopefully you can see were it's coming from a little?

    But like, if you're going on holiday, or somewhere new, do you get a buzz even when you're just sitting at the airport waiting for your journey to start, feeling damn fresh and fine with new clothes on and feeling healthy from looking after yourself for a while for your holiday, that sort of stuff? Or even just something booked at the last minute off the cuff?

    Or like going out for a meal on a Saturday afternoon, you've got the weekend off. You're chilling eating food enjoying the company, living entirely in the moment... Monday still feels like a forever away.

    An ESTj I know looked forward to going on ski-ing holidays.

    Dunno. I could be way off base here, but I find it easy to get stuck in a rut of half-existance. For me, my INFj friend tends to suggest new things, and my LSE friend tends to suggest new things, but for different reasons. My LSE friend has to engage the world more so in an "extravert" type of way.

    Doing something different, or taking time out to do something simple, or taking some time out to do nothing, I think can be pretty darn good.

    With doing something different, different things, or things I only do once every so often, what is weird for me is that I don't often realise I need to do it, but then I get a nudge from someone and when I do it it feels great, and I spend a long time reflecting back on that experience and learning from it.

    As an LSE female I used to work with long ago, she was a real stickler for people coming into work regardless of what circumstance was going on in their private life or their own health situation (I had a blazing row with her once, when she didn't want me taking time off over something unexpected in the family happening haha, .. anyway I digress) but even she would say, "everyone needs their holidays, everyone needs to take time to re-charge their batteries." She would usually go away doing something different during hers. I suppose this was her feel alive times.
    Last edited by Cyclops; 01-28-2009 at 12:22 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by LokiVanguard View Post
    sorry, but just sitting in a chair going "i'm free" with a smile on my face won't cut the mustard for me.
    lol

    Wait - have you tried it, before you knocked it?
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Most recent thing that made me feel really alive was when I bought a bouquet of flowers for a friend. Not a big deal, just sort of a joke apology for being a few minutes late. She was bouncing around for the next three hours she was that happy. Told me that I was the only guy who ever did nice things like that for her. Just little things like that, y'know? Brightening a friend's life for a while. That is why I'm alive.

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    Funerals or memorial services. No joke.
    INFj

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    Quote Originally Posted by munenori2 View Post
    ETA: This sounds overly physical a way to put it. It isn't just adrenaline. Profound moments of introspection where something amazing creeps over you and the world seems renewed, rejuvenated might be another example. Maybe the euphoria or exhaltation of everything suddenly making sense (in a cosmic or totality sort of way), even if the thing that set it off is a seemingly inconsequential piece, but it just happened to be the missing one.
    Thanks for munenori2. I interpreted the question as the whole 'party until to drop', taking physical risks kind of thing since most people these days define 'being alive' as such.

    I like seeing those close to me happy with their life and where they are going; seeing them grow as an individual, especially when knowing that I helped them along the way some how.
    Ceci n'est pas une eii.




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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilingeyes View Post
    Ok, what causes me pleasure is taking a step back and enjoying the show, whatever the show is, and understanding myself and my work in a larger context. When I observe that I have managed to avert some ill situation by correct action and that everything is just fine without me having to push for something. That's good. To notice that I have options, to be in some way reminded of the fact that I'm fundamentally free.
    I relate to this more than anyone would think. And it's very well put, it fits me as it is, wouldn't change a word.
    “Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    You've done yourself a huge favor developmentally by mustering the balls to do something really fucking scary... in about the most vulnerable situation possible.

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