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Thread: Sam's 'Introverted Strife' blog

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    Default Sam's 'Introverted Strife' blog

    When we see something we find is beautiful, an event, an experience, a scene, or even a picture, we tend to want to re-live that thing again and again. But each time we do that, the experience dies and dies until it does nothing for us anymore.

    How do you bravely go from one new to thing to the next w/o analyzing, useless philosophizing, and trying to make things mean something? How do you keep moving on? It seems attempting to communicate how we feel just always makes things worse. It's so tempting to do this for me, but as soon as I do this it opens up debates and 'gray doors' that I never wanted in the first place. For every suggestion and possibility that works, there's billions of them that doesn't and I never learned the difference. All I've learned how to do was idealize. I've realized that I'm a hella 6, I don't know how to make any choice or decision without telling somebody first, or talking about it after it's done. But that just causes people to judge/analyze me too much, and in turn makes me further self-conscious.

    Every therapist I've ever had has laughed at me, told me 'you don't need to be here, you are fine.' But I just like talking about this shit too much, stuff I can't talk about anywhere else... and it's too interesting, even though to me it's this big and deep shit but to other people I just come across as 'cute, and amusing.' Almost like they want to break and rape me and show me what REAL pain actually is. I almost wish they would. I had a glimpse of it, but I want more.

    It seems that people just want me to 'shut up and do as I say' so they'd forget all the weird, "emo" introspections I told them in my pathetic attempt to try and connect. Then when I simply follow their direct orders they are thrilled, but how do I know they're doing it because they care about me or because their own ego needs are being met. After all, I get a raging hard-on myself when other people listen to me. I suppose it doesn't matter if everybody is happy, right? I'm only happy cause they're happy, they're only happy because they now have a cute puppy to control. I have to find more connections in something external with other people or I'll get locked up by the men in white suits again. (I say that, truly, half-jokingly.)

    Hmm. Subjectivity vs. Objectivity is quite interesting.

    This is probably simple self-loathing of my own nature, how do I really know if people want what I don't have? It's not like they would tell me about it, I'd just over-absorb it too much.

    It's like, deep inside me there's these pools of the most beautiful pure colors that are always flashing, changing, and just experiencing and living and never asking why. They each die and become reborn in milliseconds. They are very bright, pure, and showy- but they lack substance and shock. It's like I'm still a cartoon character. But even though that feels deep, it's actually just yet another layer. Whenever I feel real emotion it's nice, because then I can draw what's really inside my soul, path the illusions of my hopes.

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    Heh. Well umm, realistically I kinda have this versatile-ness in my nature, where I go from wanting to be controlled to want to be the one doing the controlling, and it is quite contradictory and ambivalent at times.

    You don't have to walk on eggshells with me, just say whatever you like. I get this in real life too though since I have a naturally 'boyish' face, people treat me with kid gloves.

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    I'd want to go wherever you wanted to go. Other people's will becomes my own.

    The only thing I ever WANT to do is basically bodily functions. As long as I get to do the primitive stuff I'm all set. And I absolutely love interesting conversations, esp. about psychology and inner worlds.

    If enough people want me to really do something, and they ask nicely, I always want to do it. Of course, I'm still very much aware of the ethical implications of something, so I'd still refuse if I morally disagreed with it. But other than that, I'm down with whatever.

    You said you liked to go hunting, right? I've always wanted to learn how to do it. I've always wanted to learn how to use a bow and arrow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    How do you bravely go from one new to thing to the next w/o analyzing, useless philosophizing, and trying to make things mean something? How do you keep moving on?
    Why do things not have to mean something? Life can be mundane and boring. Or it can be thought of like a test, a challenge. Philosophizing is not useless as long as you come up with an answer.

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    Moral answers always come up with even more questions, though. Nobody can make up their mind and everybody has a different interpretation and imaginary friend they believe in, but I do find it a pleasant circle jerk for like-minded individuals. I think it has an important social role.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    When we see something we find is beautiful, an event, an experience, a scene, or even a picture, we tend to want to re-live that thing again and again. But each time we do that, the experience dies and dies until it does nothing for us anymore.
    Why have sex when you're not even horny? Why not wait?

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    I wasn't talking about sex, but that's a good point. =)

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    I wasn't talking about sex, but that's a good point. =)
    Yeah, I know.

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    Pro-tip of the day: Men, if you're ever bored - why not exercise instead of jacking off? And then simply jack off when YOU CANT FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE. It will be more primal and powerful anyway that way.

    Also why get another person involved just to fuck? Yeah sure it might feel better, but it might not. It's always a gamble. But you can always count on you and your hand!

    lol @ our spoiled western lifestyles taking away our primal-ness.

    also lol @ most 'tuff' guys being in prison anyway though, for misuse of their power. or watching boring sports. zzzzz

    lol @ sissy professors and teachers with needle necks being too nice to liberal girlz.

    lol @ me and my distant, anti-social behavior and rubbing everybody the wrong way.

    lol @ most people being so narcissistic they can't hold down a real relationship

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    It seems that people just want me to 'shut up and do as I say' so they'd forget all the weird, "emo" introspections I told them in my pathetic attempt to try and connect. Then when I simply follow their direct orders they are thrilled, but how do I know they're doing it because they care about me or because their own ego needs are being met. After all, I get a raging hard-on myself when other people listen to me. I suppose it doesn't matter if everybody is happy, right? I'm only happy cause they're happy, they're only happy because they now have a cute puppy to control. I have to find more connections in something external with other people or I'll get locked up by the men in white suits again. (I say that, truly, half-jokingly.)
    Their relationship to you is whatever you want it to be. Be the cute puppy if you want and enjoy whatever it has to offer when you are it. You can never know for sure if they're doing it because they care about you or because their own ego gets inflated when you follow orders - it could be either, both or some other reason. It doesn't matter though - it's up to you to decide whether what they say is right for you or not.

    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves
    This is probably simple self-loathing of my own nature, how do I really know if people want what I don't have? It's not like they would tell me about it, I'd just over-absorb it too much.
    Yeah we could go on endlessly trying to figure out their motivations, none of which may be isolateable.

    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves
    It's like, deep inside me there's these pools of the most beautiful pure colors that are always flashing, changing, and just experiencing and living and never asking why. They each die and become reborn in milliseconds. They are very bright, pure, and showy- but they lack substance and shock. It's like I'm still a cartoon character. But even though that feels deep, it's actually just yet another layer. Whenever I feel real emotion it's nice, because then I can draw what's really inside my soul, path the illusions of my hopes.
    Fuck, whenever I read Beta Ni writing I get affected but don't have a clue how the fuck to respond lol. For some reason after reading what you wrote I had this stream of words come out of nowhere from me and into a 6 line poem (And I don't write poems lol) - text that circumvented my usual deliberate precise and careful way of choosing words. It was quite strange lol.

    I enjoy reading your writing Sam.

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    Mind as well post the poem I was inspired to write as mentioned above:

    Arrival

    The dream dies tomorrow,
    with the passing of the cloud,
    brought forth a new light,
    illusioned by the sun against the wintery sky.

    A needle withdrew for a drop of blood, fear the moon.

    The shroudless face, unveiled before the eye of the crystal, we have won.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post
    When we see something we find is beautiful, an event, an experience, a scene, or even a picture, we tend to want to re-live that thing again and again. But each time we do that, the experience dies and dies until it does nothing for us anymore.

    How do you bravely go from one new to thing to the next w/o analyzing, useless philosophizing, and trying to make things mean something? How do you keep moving on? It seems attempting to communicate how we feel just always makes things worse. It's so tempting to do this for me, but as soon as I do this it opens up debates and 'gray doors' that I never wanted in the first place. For every suggestion and possibility that works, there's billions of them that doesn't and I never learned the difference. All I've learned how to do was idealize. I've realized that I'm a hella 6, I don't know how to make any choice or decision without telling somebody first, or talking about it after it's done. But that just causes people to judge/analyze me too much, and in turn makes me further self-conscious.

    Every therapist I've ever had has laughed at me, told me 'you don't need to be here, you are fine.' But I just like talking about this shit too much, stuff I can't talk about anywhere else... and it's too interesting, even though to me it's this big and deep shit but to other people I just come across as 'cute, and amusing.' Almost like they want to break and rape me and show me what REAL pain actually is. I almost wish they would. I had a glimpse of it, but I want more.

    It seems that people just want me to 'shut up and do as I say' so they'd forget all the weird, "emo" introspections I told them in my pathetic attempt to try and connect. Then when I simply follow their direct orders they are thrilled, but how do I know they're doing it because they care about me or because their own ego needs are being met. After all, I get a raging hard-on myself when other people listen to me. I suppose it doesn't matter if everybody is happy, right? I'm only happy cause they're happy, they're only happy because they now have a cute puppy to control. I have to find more connections in something external with other people or I'll get locked up by the men in white suits again. (I say that, truly, half-jokingly.)

    Hmm. Subjectivity vs. Objectivity is quite interesting.

    This is probably simple self-loathing of my own nature, how do I really know if people want what I don't have? It's not like they would tell me about it, I'd just over-absorb it too much.

    It's like, deep inside me there's these pools of the most beautiful pure colors that are always flashing, changing, and just experiencing and living and never asking why. They each die and become reborn in milliseconds. They are very bright, pure, and showy- but they lack substance and shock. It's like I'm still a cartoon character. But even though that feels deep, it's actually just yet another layer. Whenever I feel real emotion it's nice, because then I can draw what's really inside my soul, path the illusions of my hopes.
    Are you inside my brain? Furthermore, would you like to be? Let's talk about this.
    Hello, my name is Bee. Pleased to meet you .



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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    oh god, i think my eyes just exploded. with more than a drop of blood.
    Amanda! rude...
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    This blog makes me squirm with joy, especially like the first 5 posts.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves
    How do you bravely go from one new to thing to the next w/o analyzing, useless philosophizing, and trying to make things mean something? How do you keep moving on?
    Quote Originally Posted by ZTCrawcrustle View Post
    Why do things not have to mean something? Life can be mundane and boring. Or it can be thought of like a test, a challenge. Philosophizing is not useless as long as you come up with an answer.
    B&D, why is it important to move forward without that inner reflection? I am very focused on moving forward, experiencing new things, being in the moment, etc. - but as cliche as it sounds, there's a time and place for that, and there's a time and place for reflection. I used to think I spent too much time analyzing things, but the times in my life where I did not allow myself "me" time are ones that I later figure out I needed it. My biggest fuckups happen because I fail to take the right things into account when making large-scale decisions. I have to walk that line between doing too much and thinking too much, but when I do it right, any circumstances beyond my control that fuck with my happiness don't take as big a bite out of it as otherwise.
    (OK, that last sentence in particular sounded kinda ... uh ... anyway.)

    I quoted ZT above because even though it sounds like our posts are in agreement, I differ in semantics on one point: if you come up with an answer, it ain't philosophy. Philosophy (to me) is questions without answers, and it has its place too: entertainment. Or, if you prefer, a classroom in a liberal arts college.
    Quote Originally Posted by Charles Bukowski
    We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.
    SLI

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    Quote Originally Posted by iAnnAu View Post
    I quoted ZT above because even though it sounds like our posts are in agreement, I differ in semantics on one point: if you come up with an answer, it ain't philosophy. Philosophy (to me) is questions without answers, and it has its place too: entertainment. Or, if you prefer, a classroom in a liberal arts college.
    I do agree with you, but, since in the current case, B&D seems distraught by his own lack of activity, my suggestion is that he center in on an answer so that he can continue with life. To me, philosophy, as the father of political science, is all about figuring out the right thing to do, which I then link to doing it. For me, sitting around, knowing what the right way is, and twiddling one's thumbs is wrong. Unless you believe that twiddling one's thumbs is the right decision in any situation. Then, twiddle your life away, I won't stop you. Lots of pointless, entertaining theorization - that's what LIIs exist for.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dolphin View Post
    So was that...thing.
    thing?
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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