Dealing with a clingy EIE/INFp

[aixelsyd]

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[JuJu]

I've been through the situation you're describing several times... It blows.

To deal w/ needy ppl effectively... What I've tried to do is put some distance between me and the other person, i.e. only answer emails/msgs that are 'sane,' and only sometimes, etc. I have become increasingly reluctant to confront people about needy behavior--I've found doing so usually only makes the situation more uncomfortable, and doesn't usually accomplish the point: to get the person to realize something about their behavior.

Essentially, I just stop the relationship--but I don't tell the other person I'm doing it... It may be a 'cowards way out', but it's spared me some messy fights, and also leaves the door open if the person re-emerges as less grating in the future. (That has happened too--someone has changed and then re-entered my life in a much more positive way.)

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Give him a wake up call of sorts. Don't smooth over any edges and just give it to him directly. This will most likely cause him to throw a temper tantrum, but he will learn. If you don't do this, then you will continue getting the same behavior from him. Also don't offer to do anything for him, since IEIs are great at getting people to do favors for them.

If you don't want him to interpret this as you being an asshole, simply say 'I'm not trying to hurt you.' IEIs are excellent with the emotional guilt trips I know. But you just have to believe that we aren't as fragile as we look. And if you don't communicate this in the proper way, how is he going to know to do anything different? Logically you both probably understand this.

Right now he's just lonely. He's clinging to you because he feels like you're the only one that can truly understand him, but this is just bogus. He will find other people. He needs to realize that.

You also have to take some personal responsibility here, because an IEI usually isn't like this unless they feel you are a good-natured, understanding person that accepts people's inner emotional worlds. So if you don't want him to be needy to you, stop validating his emotions. Only give him a 'good job' or such if you really start noticing he's having a more realistic assessment of himself, and taking some actions. I'm just saying it takes two to tango.

Don't say 'Aw baby, I understand' out of nicety if you really don't mean it, and if he's really still not doing anything to help himself or the situation. That just makes you an asshole as well.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

And what baffles me is that I've almost never seen an IEI like this.

He's a depressed, unhealthy IEI obviously. "Evil is a lot like ice cream, it comes in so many flavors."

At least with outright jerks you can tell them to go suck a cock, but while there are underlying issues, it's nothing meriting that sort of sentiment or reaction.

I've got told that by people that loved me before too. And I still managed to live. *shrug* It seems like you're kinda seeing him as a porcelain doll. That's the projection IEIs like to make, but it's not true. He's probably right now hiding a lot of his shadow qualities for fear of being rejected, going back and forth between ultimate dark and idealism that never existed. Typical unhealthy IEI behavior and mentality.

Basically he just needs to suck it up. And not say anything back to your criticism. And really start honestly looking at it, because it's clear that you're not his foe. What's gonna happen when he really does encounter an enemy? And then once he kinda has that 'oh shit, I was wrong here' he will change. But again, it's his choice. Basically he needs to just understand that not everything comes in a neat package already.

But if you do see him working and realizing what you're telling him, just be greateful and don't think this is an invitation to be overly critical to him. IEIs also hate that shit. I mean, do you still want him to be in your life or do you just not want him to be so clingy? Try to make that as clear as possible to him because right now he seems to be hypersensitive. If he feels like you're all he's got, and you reject him- where does that leave him? Exactly. It leaves him to change something that really needs to be changed and gets him to realize that he's going down an unhealthy path regardless of what anybody else says or thinks about him.

If you truly just don't want anything to do with him, how is that a problem? Just be honest. He's a big boy he can handle it.

[lastdance]

Any suggestions as how to deal with needy people, especially since I'm not someone who is able to deal with heavy emotions and such. I'm thinking of, if I'm giving the opportunity, to explain what sort of person I am and such. Fortunately, most IEIs are not at all like this, but there are all types of people within a type, so...

Leave that person alone, and get him to know more IEIs/EIEs/SLEs/LSIs.

[UDP]

To be vague on details, I naively entered a friendship with an overly sensitive, unstable IEI who complains of loneliness

Yeah : / I ran into that once, and almost twice.

You have to be very firm with them about you relationship status to them. They tend to whine about things and "say" and "do" different things (that's how it seems to me).

The problem is I don't want to be outright mean because I fear the emotional back-lash and don't want to give him a good enough reason to have beef with me.

Unhealthy people will make you choose between "being a good person/being good to them" and "being mean to them" - there is no middle ground, and it's an emotional sort of sabotage. And you have to be confident in yourself that you are choosing a middle ground or being neutral, and that just because they react negatively to this doesn't mean you should alter your approach or cave to just make them "feel good"

You have to just start being firm about things. If you are trying to be a nice friend it gets tough because people will take the friendship as this or that.