I'm suffering as I type this. I think I can call this Ni(fe) stress. My head hurts so much, but not like a headache. Let me explain. Im going through stress because it seems to me that I'm forcing myself to realize that so much of what is wrong in my life right now is because of me - it is My responsibility..as opposed to it being Them who are getting it wrong. It's a traumatic thing to accept, and I've been forcefully denying it for the past few weeks..rationalizing it in bits, but not facing it. Something happened in the past few days that's forced me to look and internalize it. I am sick of the status quo. Sick. I'm sick of blaming it on other people, because it allows me to oscillate back and forth and get that rush again when I can generate controversy - relationships, work, home, a lot of things. As I try to realize this my head is contracting, especially the back part - as if my skull is pulling itself in, contracting and crushing my skull. This seems to be a way to distract itself to pain, so I can avoid feeling it. It hurt like anything, but its subsiding mostly now. Now the Ni is whirring at work. I have to reinterpret A LOT OF THINGS. And make sense of it. And possible give it some structure (Te?) and that is something I'm only beginning to do, because again that would mean taking responsibility and realizing things happen for a reason (Besides time) - and so instead of reacting to them as if they are happening to me I should choose to understand Why they happen to change the condition or pattern (ne also?) I can literally feel my consciousness slowly rearranging these past hours. I can lay down and submerge into it, or if i don't then the pain starts creeping it - perhaps to draw attention to it, so I don't suppress it. It feels as if my conciousness in my brain is sea-sick, and sloshing back and forth, and changing and moving and hurting..like birth pangs as an analogy. Has anyone ever experienced something like this?
aside - I have not heard anyone even describe normally how they feel Ni on the inside, instead of describing what the Ni is telling them. I've read that a lot of infps aren't very conciously aware of their ni, but more on a gut/instinctive level. They can't tune in and out of it, or be aware of how it's thinking. I've learnt to do that only recently.