Ok, so I lost my last blog here, it's buried under a kazillion posts somewhere and balls if I can be bothered looking for it. Here's my most recent blog...I'd love to know not only opinions of it in general, but typage from it. I think it's probably the most honest I've been in a blog before.
" Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Ms Bee and change....for the better.
Over the past half-year I have been through a great many changes. In a lot of ways it may appear that I have regressed, but I don't think that is actually the case. This time about a year ago, I was living in a rental in Melton with my husband. I had the fancy job, I had the guy, I mean for fuck's sake, I even had the new car and the puppy. And I was monumentally miserable. All of it felt fake, I wasn't exploring the directions I wanted to take, I was petrified of the possibility that I might end up with 2.5 kids in suburban hell within the approaching years.
The man I was with, well, he's a nice guy, but I just don't know. We fought so much. There was so much going on that the rest of the world just did not see, and some of it was really frightening and just plain wrong. Essentially we are two very similar people with very different values and needs in life. This lead to utter confusion, misunderstandings, anger, frustration. On both sides. I genuinely love and care about this guy still. In a way he will always be family to me, even though things are in pieces, and at this stage we appear to be better apart. I always try to keep an open mind about the future but I think that we are simply not compatible.
So over the last year changes were made. I moved us out of our rental and back in with my parents. I did plan to save up and buy a house at the time, but another part of me did it because I felt everything was coming to an end, and although I was trying desperately to salvage it, at times I felt I was the only one. I have had Nick tell me he felt the same way at times. More miscommunication I suppose. He would ignore me, I would try to communicate, worried something was wrong. I'd read it wrong, he'd just want to chill out. It would all turn to hell, hours of screaming, sometimes more. I'd be chilling out, he'd want my company, I'd brush him off, exhausted or frustrated from my own ignored efforts. Another fight, seemingly over nothing. I think in the end we were both fighting to save the relationship, but complete misunderstanding meant it only ever got worse.
This was around 11 months ago. Around that time I found myself losing attraction and interest in him. It was dead, no matter how hard I tried to put it right. There had been too much water under the bridge, too many really nasty fights and it killed it for me. I just wanted both of us to be happy and I could see that nothing was going to change in 5, 10, 15 years' time unless something monumental happened. I called us off for a while, but it only lasted a week of him sleeping in the spare room. Nobody else really saw much of this. How do you explain it? Should you explain it? I tried to book us into counselling, he wouldn't do it. Then he would do the same and I wouldn't commit to it. Long story, but basically I had a really terrible experience with psychs back when I was only 6 and it messed me up pretty nicely. Still, this didn't help 'us'.
I started to accept the inevitable about 9 months ago, another break-up, the same thing happened. I developed feelings for someone else. This wasn't helped by the fact that I had the odd comment here and there from him, leaving the impression that I wasn't entirely alone there.. Now before people start jumping to conclusions I want to point out right now that nothing came of this during that time, and most of this was probably just me clinging to whatever I could grasp at that point. So please, don't think it's anything more than that.
Things went on, flitting between mediocre and confused for a few months. There were brief periods where everything seemed it was going to be ok, where the love would come back. It never really lasted, and yet I still miss it terribly, even now. There is still so much confusion. Then about 4 1/2 months ago it really did end. May 17, we broke up. He tried to hold on to it and I ignored him. I feel very bad about it, but at the same time, it wasn't right. We were making each other miserable trying and the fights were still going on, even at this point. A week later there were a few discrepancies after a drunken night out. Nothing big, but nothing you could ignore either.
Nick left the house after the next weekend. It all collided with his birthday, it was a complete mess, but what could be done? Should we just have pretended it was fine because of a birthday? Should I have lied to him about how I was feeling at the time over a date on the calendar? I kept it quiet for the party but we were both well aware it was over. I didn't want to spoil his night, this was my main concern. I didn't want his special night marred by the mess we were in, and yet it was staring us both in the face. A couple of nights later and he was jumping across my car, both of us screaming at each other, paint scratched, people crying. And he was gone. This was the end for me, I would not tolerate that..not because I didn't think I deserved it, but because it was hurting both of us. I didn't want to hurt the man I still loved in some deep confused way, and I didn't know how to stop the hurt. We always seem to get the wrong idea about each other and end in a fight.
A few weeks after that I moved on, way too soon. In the complete wrong way. I did genuinely care about this guy and still do in some odd way, but it was all wrong. A whole lot of lies were spread about, both of us ended up in a huge mess. I had to be honest with Nick before it got out. I'd done the wrong thing, and I knew that I had to face it. I told the other guy this and he was furious. It didn't change the fact that I had to tell him, I owed Nick that much at least. So I got Nick alone and told him. It was not pretty. I got every name under the sun screamed at me. For a while there he was telling people while working exactly what he thought of me pretty much every time they asked about me. I know this because the people he said it to told me. I confirmed it with him.
On the other side of the equation, another guy was going through the hell of dealing with what he had done, and decided that the best way was to eradicate me from his life. Great. But we hang within the same circles. All of my local friends left me, with the exception of about three. There was more going on at the same time. Something really personal and bad happened to me during this that I cannot mention here. So my whole life turned on it's head.
I had no friends around, my husband was gone, the other guy involved was actively making things worse and I was panicking at almost every turn and creating another huge mess almost every step of the way just trying to fix things and not knowing how. It seemed everyone I relied upon for normality had heard the worst of me with some added collection of lies thrown in and had taken it at face value and judged. I broke down. I tried to kill myself. I threw in my job, which I'm still not sure if I have. I was a complete and utter mess. I lost 7 kilos out of stress.
Just after this my parents went away on a month-long holiday. I have literally been cooped up in this house in almost complete solitude for a month. During that time I have been really up and down. I have been so drunk that I've danced until my feet bled. I've gone off at innocent people, fearful that they are trying to hurt me. A few times I have spent over 50 hours solid in bed, crying, not eating, not drinking. Just feeling like there is nothing I can do that will help, alone, scared. This is really hard to write.
I have tried to be a good person as much as I can through this, but honestly I have done some really wrong things, I don't deny that. The only problem is, I am standing here on the other side of it now, and I am virtually alone. I'm trying so hard to make it right. I've learnt so much and I am becoming a better person. I am focusing heavily now on thinking before I act. I try not to jump to conclusions so much, I really listen to what people have to say and think hard about it, try to see a different point of view.
I'm trying not to be so full-on in company. I tend to jump around the place and put on this stupid overly-excited persona and I fucking hate it so much. It's a panic response. I'm a really shy and timid person who struggles to share feelings with people unless I really know them well, and so I put on this 'face' of confidence, act like I don't care how people see me to appear stronger. It's so fucking weak. There is a real person behind it that means much more and cares more than you would ever understand and yet I let this stupid clown of a persona take over. So I'm trying to be real now. I might not be as exciting, but I'll try to be genuine.
I really want my friends back, I miss them, and what I have realised from this is that in the past I wasn't a great friend. How can I expect to have genuine friends that care about me if I'm running around all loud and superficial all of the time? It isn't enough to really care about people, you have to show it. Hopefully it's not to late to get that chance."