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Thread: What do ESFjs want in a relationship/their partner?

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    Default What do ESFjs want in a relationship/their partner?

    Similar to the ILE/SEI threads we have, what do ESFjs want from a relationship?

    What do you look for in a partner?
    How do things start?
    How does the relationship progress?
    Who shows initiative at which points?

    Since there don't seem to be a lot of ESFjs here, those that know/have observed can comment as well.

    Someone should also post the obligatory LII/ESE dual relationship description.
    ILE - Ti.

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    so it seems esfjs do not like romance.
    ILE - Ti.

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    Quote Originally Posted by diljs View Post
    so it seems esfjs do not like romance.
    They're probably all out getting laid.
    Moonlight will fall
    Winter will end
    Harvest will come
    Your heart will mend

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    Quote Originally Posted by munenori2 View Post
    They're probably all out getting laid.
    True, but keep in mind "getting laid" for an ESFj means making someone a tasty dinner and then cleaning up.
    ILE - Ti.

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    Quote Originally Posted by diljs View Post
    True, but keep in mind "getting laid" for an ESFj means making someone a tasty dinner and then cleaning up.
    Hmmm, no.

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    No that's SEI, silly.


    Silly rabbit
    Hello, my name is Bee. Pleased to meet you .



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    Quote Originally Posted by bee View Post
    No that's SEI, silly.


    Silly rabbit
    In that case, wanna come over to my place and "get laid?".

    I like pasta.
    ILE - Ti.

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    What do you look for in a partner?

    Wow. I am a rather picky person when I chose who I want to be with the rest of my life. But here goes:

    1. Intelligence - he needs to be smarter then me because if he isn't I won't be able to respect him as much as I should.

    2. Gentle - whether this comes naturally or not - when a man displays to me that he cares about how I feel - and then that he is trustworthy he gets HUGE bonus points!

    3. Kinda reserved - Yes, I like introverts - in fact; I like INTJ's. So maybe I should just leave it at that.

    INTJ's are irresistable to me. Maybe it's because I like my opposite. A LOT! :wink:

    How do things start?

    A friendship - I want to know the guy well before I fall for him.

    How does the relationship progress?

    As we get to know each other better I would hope that he would spend more and more time with me and that I would want to be with him as well.

    Who shows initiative at which points?

    Judging that I like INTJ's - I usually initiate more then he does.

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    I had words here once, but I didn't feed them Khola's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by diljs View Post
    In that case, wanna come over to my place and "get laid?".

    I like pasta.
    Three years later....
    Hello, my name is Bee. Pleased to meet you .



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    Quote Originally Posted by Khola View Post
    Three years later....
    I like pasta too. See you in three years?

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    I'm currently busy dating diljs
    Hello, my name is Bee. Pleased to meet you .



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    Quote Originally Posted by diljs View Post
    True, but keep in mind "getting laid" for an ESFj means making someone a tasty dinner and then cleaning up.
    WTh? What planet are you from? ESFj romance is take them out to a nice place to eat.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Khola View Post
    I'm currently busy dating diljs
    Have fun!

    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa33 View Post
    WTh? What planet are you from? ESFj romance is take them out to a nice place to eat.
    Yes, I think we are from a different planet than you.

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    Lol, every time someone quotes her, I remember why I put her on ignore
    Hello, my name is Bee. Pleased to meet you .



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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa33 View Post
    WTh? What planet are you from? ESFj romance is take them out to a nice place to eat.
    Actually this isn't that far off from the truth. All I do with ESFj's is go to dinner with them and all my friends. All he does in relationship is take them to restaurants and things like that.

    He does this ~ 6 times a week with different people each day of the week. Generally in a relationship the girls gets 2 days. The other 4 days are for his friends and ex-girlfriends....

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    Quote Originally Posted by hkkmr View Post
    Actually this isn't that far off from the truth. All I do with ESFj's is go to dinner with them and all my friends. All he does in relationship is take them to restaurants and things like that.

    He does this ~ 6 times a week with different people each day of the week. Generally in a relationship the girls gets 2 days. The other 4 days are for his friends and ex-girlfriends....
    It's not that it was far off, it's how Maritsa said it, feeling the need to insult someone before sharing her opinion.

    I think it's true as well. I don't normally initiate any sexual advances on the first several dates, but find a nice restaurant to eat at, as a fantastic date. I'd rather hold off a bit and make sure the person is right for me. Part of that farsighted thinking. I know other ESEs have commented about waiting as well.

    But c'mon... who doesn't enjoy fine food and dining! It's fun to save up a bit of $$$, then treat my girl to something nice, like royalty.

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    Quote Originally Posted by diljs View Post
    what do ESFjs want from a relationship?
    All of the ESFjs I didn't type want a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    But c'mon... who doesn't enjoy fine food and dining! It's fun to save up a bit of $$$, then treat my girl to something nice, like royalty.
    that sounds horrible to me. all that dressing up and planning, going to a nice resturant and having to engage in polite conversation. I'd much much rather have good take out or even fast food/delivery and just hang out someplace comfortable where you can just chill out and be casual. I mean the food at fine resturants can be good stuff, but the whole ordeal of going someplace on a proper "treat somebody like a queen" date is just way too much of a production to be any fun for me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    It's not that it was far off, it's how Maritsa said it, feeling the need to insult someone before sharing her opinion.

    I think it's true as well. I don't normally initiate any sexual advances on the first several dates, but find a nice restaurant to eat at, as a fantastic date. I'd rather hold off a bit and make sure the person is right for me. Part of that farsighted thinking. I know other ESEs have commented about waiting as well.

    But c'mon... who doesn't enjoy fine food and dining! It's fun to save up a bit of $$$, then treat my girl to something nice, like royalty.
    I still don't think you're ESE, but LSE are also farsighted, and I know many types that enjoy good food and dining too. However there are certainly people out there that find eating to be a chore and only approach it from a sustenance and survival perspective.

    The difference I think is that some people do it every day or want to do it everyday, and other people do it more based on monetary concerns. And it's not just about $$$ or how much it costs, but about quality, taste, and the company of friends.

    It could be a 5 dollar bowl of Pho vs a 100 dollar a cover dinner at a sushi place. What's important is the quality of the food and the people and the different experiences to be enjoyed.

    I have a SEI friend that basically eats out at various good restaurants(varies in price range) almost every single meal of his life, between cooking gourmet meals for himself and friends. Alpha quadra is a hedonistic quadra with very a lot of openness to all forms of hedonism whether it is sensual or intellectual. Quadra values aren't about what people do, it's about what is meaningful and fulfilling to that quadra, what people live for.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bionicgerbil View Post
    that sounds horrible to me. all that dressing up and planning, going to a nice resturant and having to engage in polite conversation. I'd much much rather have good take out or even fast food/delivery and just hang out someplace comfortable where you can just chill out and be casual. I mean the food at fine resturants can be good stuff, but the whole ordeal of going someplace on a proper "treat somebody like a queen" date is just way too much of a production to be any fun for me.
    You would take a girl on a date to a fast food place?

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    Quote Originally Posted by hkkmr View Post
    I still don't think you're ESE, but LSE are also farsighted, and I know many types that enjoy good food and dining too. However there are certainly people out there that find eating to be a chore and only approach it from a sustenance and survival perspective.

    The difference I think is that some people do it every day or want to do it everyday, and other people do it more based on monetary concerns. And it's not just about $$$ or how much it costs, but about quality, taste, and the company of friends.

    It could be a 5 dollar bowl of Pho vs a 100 a plate dollar dinner at a sushi place. What's important is the quality of the food and the people and the different experiences to be enjoyed.

    I have a SEI friend that basically eats out at various good restaurants(varies in price range) almost every single meal of his life, between cooking gourmet meals for himself and friends. Alpha quadra is a hedonistic quadra with very a lot of openness to all forms of hedonism whether it is sensual or intellectual. Quadra values aren't about what people do, it's about what is meaningful and fulfilling to that quadra, what people live for.
    I know you think I'm LSE still. It's still possible.

    I don't treat a girlfriend all the time... maybe on special occasions. That's why I mentioned saving up $$$. But on those first few dates, definitely. Doesn't have to be super-expensive, but someplace nice, relaxing, to sit down and talk.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    You would take a girl on a date to a fast food place?
    no. i was responding to your statement of "who doesn't enjoy fine dining?" (or something like that) as somebody who would frankly rather have fast food than go out for "fine dining". of course i would rather have good take out or good home cooked food than fast food. (I eat fast food maybe a few times a year)


    I'm sure that if I tried to date, i'd force myself to do it the respectable way, but I very much doubt I would enjoy it. that just isn't me, and I'm not really interested in girls who have to have it that way.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    I know you think I'm LSE still. It's still possible.

    I don't treat a girlfriend all the time... maybe on special occasions. That's why I mentioned saving up $$$. But on those first few dates, definitely. Doesn't have to be super-expensive, but someplace nice, relaxing, to sit down and talk.
    This is just strange to me, you gotta eat, you might as well eat something wonderful.

    If I'm with someone special to me even a friend, or someone that is a acquaintance, I do not like to just settle for something normal. The only time I eat something normal or unthoughful is when I'm eating alone, then I get some thing delicious and cheap which suits me.

    Sure special and expensive is not always a option but it has to be meaningful, thoughtful. If something is being cooked, the same criteria applies. Even something as simple as a plain pasta and sauce or a frozen meal needs to be produced with care and of high quality.

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    There's rustic fine dining around. It's pretty good and the portions are big and you don't have to be dressed preppily.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    There's rustic fine dining around. It's pretty good and the portions are big and you don't have to be dressed preppily.
    You know what hkmmr is going to say now? Use your Ni.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bionicgerbil View Post
    that sounds horrible to me. all that dressing up and planning, going to a nice resturant and having to engage in polite conversation. I'd much much rather have good take out or even fast food/delivery and just hang out someplace comfortable where you can just chill out and be casual. I mean the food at fine resturants can be good stuff, but the whole ordeal of going someplace on a proper "treat somebody like a queen" date is just way too much of a production to be any fun for me.
    i agree, i totally prefer this too. but then for a female its like if you are cool with this you must have low standards and you should be demanding more or something. but if the point is to get to know somebody you'd think it would make more sense to be casual and be yourself instead of making it like an awkward job interview thing where you're showing off. if you're going to a fine dining place because you "have" to thats just pointless formality.

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    Quote Originally Posted by kassie View Post
    i agree, i totally prefer this too. but then for a female its like if you are cool with this you must have low standards and you should be demanding more or something. but if the point is to get to know somebody you'd think it would make more sense to be casual and be yourself instead of making it like an awkward job interview thing where you're showing off. if you're going to a fine dining place because you "have" to thats just pointless formality.
    yes. beyond the whole food/"proper" dating thing, i just don't feel like I could ever be myself (or comfortable) in situations like that.
    Last edited by bg; 12-16-2011 at 07:35 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mountain Dew View Post
    I'd rather hold off a bit and make sure the person is right for me. Part of that farsighted thinking. I know other ESEs have commented about waiting as well.
    Don't worry, I'm not gonna say something bash-y.

    The bolded part interests me, because the last thing I would ever call an Ni-polr is far-sighted, yet the Ni-polrs I know seem to think of themselves as far-sighted to the point of obsession, from my pov. In the specific instance you mention here, I started thinking ... For me, if I meet the right person, there really is no need for caution, because I simply "know"--I can see how things will unfold and can put my trust in the person pretty quickly. I have thought in the past that maybe the reason for so much fixation on "the future" for Ni-polr is expressly the lack of ability to just know how things will unfold, with a resultant need for caution and planning regarding future events. There seems to be a need to shape the future forcibly because of feeling at the mercy of it otherwise.

    I'm speaking more of LSE here, though. Does any of this sound accurate to you, despite the fact that it's biased by opposite-quadra views?

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    Quote Originally Posted by CONFIMED View Post
    Don't worry, I'm not gonna say something bash-y.

    The bolded part interests me, because the last thing I would ever call an Ni-polr is far-sighted, yet the Ni-polrs I know seem to think of themselves as far-sighted to the point of obsession, from my pov. In the specific instance you mention here, I started thinking ... For me, if I meet the right person, there really is no need for caution, because I simply "know"--I can see how things will unfold and can put my trust in the person pretty quickly. I have thought in the past that maybe the reason for so much fixation on "the future" for Ni-polr is expressly the lack of ability to just know how things will unfold, with a resultant need for caution and planning regarding future events. There seems to be a need to shape the future forcibly because of feeling at the mercy of it otherwise.

    I'm speaking more of LSE here, though. Does any of this sound accurate to you, despite the fact that it's biased by opposite-quadra views?
    Both ESE and LSE are considered "far-sighted" according to the Reinin dichotomies. http://www.wikisocion.org/en/index.p...in_dichotomies

    Quote Originally Posted by CONFIMED View Post
    Ni-polr is expressly the lack of ability to just know how things will unfold
    This isn't necessarily what Ni is. It is, in the context of time. I'll give an example.

    It's 5:30pm. I have to be somewhere at 6:30pm, and I should probably leave @ 6pm to be on time. Being far-sighted and thinking long-term, I decide to spend some time making phonecalls for my business, for my financial future. I pay off some bills while I'm at, also budgeting and planning long-term. I put away groceries, so when I come back, I can quickly and efficiently get what I want... all of this, then OH CRAP, it's 6:15pm!!! This is what Ni-POLR feels like.

    Ni is an understanding of multiple ideas, and which is most important, what will lead to what: in this sense, knowing how things play out. Knowing that not getting ready to leave NOW, will cause me to be late. Ni can also be viewed more long-term, as starting certain projects in life, knowing when would be best to date someone, knowing the essence of person correlated to the timing of their decisions in life, etc. In this case, getting ready is important, would support Se, being able to identify what is possible, how we can act NOW. Se would come in and say, we can change, we can leave now, we can arrive on-time and in top-fashion, appearing excellent.

    Si is more tactical, planning for convenience, whether far-sighted OR carefree, which combines with Ne, seeing what is possible.

    Long explanation Golden, but does this make sense? As an Ni-POLR, I have a basic understanding of my weakness, and it takes a lot of effort to think about WHEN I should start doing something. There's actually an IEI girl on my business team, my supervisor, who I get along with very well: whenever she says something time-related to planning, like I think we should start doing this now, rather than wait until the end of the month: I go along with what she says. I can't really argue with it, or offer anything constructive to say in return, but I'm able to use my Se then to act on it, think of things we can do...

    In this context, I understand the important of Ni, and I use Se to gameplan lots of ideas with her... this is also an example of how my understanding of socionics has helped me make better decisions in my real life, related to business. Without knowledge of socionics, I'd probably ignore her more, see her contribution as unvaluable... but with my socionics knowledge, I'm able to realize everyone's contributions can be valuable, even if I don't necessarily see it right away myself. It's helpful to consider all point of views.

    Sorry for the long response. But TLDR: yes, Si-creatives are incredibly long-term thinkers, and strategists. In terms of Ni and starting something WHEN, based on time, I also get a good feeling WHEN to do something based on wisdom... yeah I mess up a lot there, but I learn with experience how to correct this weakness.

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    When it comes to which dates I like [especially in the beginning of a relationship], I generally enjoy coffee dates the most. It's probably because coffee is one of my HUGE staples in life, and I love to talk, and jazz music is alluring to me. . . but I also like the casual-but-not-too-casual atmosphere. I feel comfortable in coffee shops. Other places I enjoy are: malls and museums. Sometimes even a library, [as nerdy as that sounds. =P] There are always pretty places where you can stop and sit to talk. Christmas lights are especially lovely if you're lucky enough to catch them. =)

    Going out to dance or to a park to walk and coming back to my place for diner are dates I enjoy when the relationship turns more serious. =)

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    I agree with the dew. Ni is not as much far sighted as "visionary" - in the sense of being about something that IS NOT NOW, and YET SHALL BE.

    An Ni type approaches a problem with a "vision" - it is something that must be transmitted to others through either Fe which is collaboration, or Te which is planning. They are generally engaged in creating an entirely new world. This is hard to do. Not a lot of us can do that!!!

    Now the Strategic/Tactical and Carefree/Farsighted dichotomies are connected to the function, not Ni as an information element.

    Tactical & Farsighted = Beta IEI & Gamma ILI


    Strategic & Carefree = Beta EIE & Gamma LIE


    As far as the Si users

    Strategic & Carefree = Delta SLI & Alpha SEI


    Tactical & Farsighted = Delta LSE & Alpha ESE


    Why is this? I am looking into that. But these are linkages of kindreds and business partners.
    Last edited by Saberstorm; 12-17-2011 at 07:28 AM.

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    Since this thread is about romance, Ni would anticpate what IS NOT NOW, and YET SHALL BE within the relationship.

    However, this anticpation must be understood as an IM element apart from the functions. This means that Ni must be understood apart from the 7th (ignoring) function. For me and mountain dew the 7th function is Fi. We subtract Fi from our behavior, and we yet fully understand it. We avoid Fi issues skillfully. Fi includes loyalty, so we try to sleep with fewer, rather than more, women because we do not wish to add to our moral duties.

    So where then is Ni as an IM element. What IS NOT NOW and YET SHALL BE?

    The Ni is the vision of the romance from an all-seeing point of view.

    (I am presuming that Mountain is still an ESE, if he is an LSE his ignoring function would be Ti. That should mean he fully understands Ti, but subtracts it in favor of Te. If he is a ESE, Ti is a weak, but valued function.)

    (I also think the Dew is a torential thinker. "ESE initiates a social torrent leaving behind a trail of emotional turbulence. Thoughts 'swarm' and chaotically displace one another." Yeah, that seems like the mountain here.
    Last edited by Saberstorm; 12-17-2011 at 07:57 AM.

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    If I go on a date... I'm either having some great food or great drinks. Usually both. I don't get caught up in the thought that what's expensive is really good, but I do know that some places that are quite expensive have the best food...lol. There may be the occasional movie or just hang out kinda date, but usually there will be food involved in a date at some point. I just choose to make sure that whatever food we're having is good food.

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    OK, good food. Nice start.

    What about types of conversations? Lot of light and humorous stories?

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    OK, good food. Nice start.

    What about types of conversations? Lot of light and humorous stories?
    If you're out with an ESE there's really nothing to fear. I would let us lead the conversation, it's kind of a strength that we have. But if you want to ask questions ask questions about us, about our lives and what we think about things that we have in common, etc. The more you can find common ground with us, the better you'll do. Also, the more you let us talk when we want to talk, the better you'll do. If we ask questions, please don't answer as succinctly as possible [yes, no's and maybes]. We really want to hear how you feel after-all. . .

    I could go on, but I'm not sure what you want to know exactly.

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    Quote Originally Posted by yellow82 View Post
    If you're out with an ESE there's really nothing to fear. I would let us lead the conversation, it's kind of a strength that we have.
    Agreed, lol!

    I was very surprised at the amount of talking a friend of mine can do until I realized he is ESE, then it made total sense. Not only of his talking, but my tolerance and bemusement of it.

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