Tired of SEI-ISFp's hot-cold thing

[redbaron]

I had been good friends with this male SEI for two years when he told me (a few months ago) that his wife's insecurities and wild imagination wouldn't allow her to be okay with our friendship and that he can't be friends anymore. Fine so we didn't see each other all summer. No contact. Then this fall we're running into each other at church again and surprise, he's friendly. Sometimes. Every other time I see him, he waits for me and talks to me. But the time directly after that, he completely ignores me, acts like I'm not even there.

I know that SEIs can be hot and cold but I'm really not sure I feel like dealing with this. I'm not saying he always has to be super friendly but I feel like I deserve some consistency here. I guess my gut is saying to let it roll off my back and let him deal with it. After all, he's an ethical type and he's aware of what he's doing. There is a part of me, however, that feels like I'm not being treated fairly. He ends it, then he's friendly, then he ignores me, then he's friendly again, then he ignores me again, then he's friendly again.

My guess is that the reason the ENTp is perfect for the ISFp is because they're distracted with their projects and can't be bothered to waste time thinking about this sort of thing! Am I right? The ILE leaves the decisions about the relationship up to the SEI and when the SEI is ready, the ILE is still there, doing their thing. This duality pair is making more sense to me now. lol

Feel free to comment as you like. I know we've talked about hot-cold SEIs in the past. Just wanted to share my experience here.

[Elro]

Then this fall we're running into each other at church again and surprise, he's friendly. Sometimes. Every other time I see him, he waits for me and talks to me. But the time directly after that, he completely ignores me, acts like I'm not even there.

I don't know if this is limited to SEIs... I think I do this also, actually. It's not intended out of spite or anything, it's more me trying not to impose on others, but being kind of bad at balancing it. I initially thought this was weak Fi on my part, but if SEIs do it too I'm not sure what to attribute it to.

[aka-kitsune]

I had been good friends with this male SEI for two years when he told me (a few months ago) that his wife's insecurities and wild imagination wouldn't allow her to be okay with our friendship and that he can't be friends anymore. Fine so we didn't see each other all summer. No contact. Then this fall we're running into each other at church again and surprise, he's friendly. Sometimes. Every other time I see him, he waits for me and talks to me. But the time directly after that, he completely ignores me, acts like I'm not even there.

I know that SEIs can be hot and cold but I'm really not sure I feel like dealing with this. I'm not saying he always has to be super friendly but I feel like I deserve some consistency here. I guess my gut is saying to let it roll off my back and let him deal with it. After all, he's an ethical type and he's aware of what he's doing. There is a part of me, however, that feels like I'm not being treated fairly. He ends it, then he's friendly, then he ignores me, then he's friendly again, then he ignores me again, then he's friendly again.

This just sounds like MEN with jealous SOs moreso than any particular personality type issue.

He probably didn't really want to cut off communication with you, so he's ambivalent about how to react when he does see you. ie: if he's too warm, he might begin to feel like he wants to initiate contact again (and encourage you), if he's too cold, he worries you'll feel hurt. So he just acts out his ambivalence with the warm-cool thing.

I think us IEIs tend to take responsibility for other people's reactions to us, when really it's not our problem (at least when we're being sincere). I've absolutely been in similar straits to what you're describing and it really sucks.

All you're responsible for is your own consistency of feeling. You still care for him, so why pretend you don't? Although it's difficult to not feel hurt with the push-pull dynamic, you're not really obliged to make it easier for him. However, would it be easier for YOU to just be superficially congenial and cut off any extended conversation? Does having these occasional brief connections just making you want more? Honestly, I'm just throwing out questions... I tend to want to keep the connection with someone I like regardless of whether it's "good" for me by any standard. But, in your case, he's set up the condition and you are honoring it because you're being sensitive to his situation.

It seems to me that in cases like this, what's required is an adjustment on my part.

[xyz]

I had been good friends with this male SEI for two years when he told me (a few months ago) that his wife's insecurities and wild imagination wouldn't allow her to be okay with our friendship and that he can't be friends anymore. Fine so we didn't see each other all summer. No contact. Then this fall we're running into each other at church again and surprise, he's friendly. Sometimes. Every other time I see him, he waits for me and talks to me. But the time directly after that, he completely ignores me, acts like I'm not even there.

This just sounds like MEN with jealous SOs moreso than any particular personality type issue.

He's a spineless cad who can't say "no" to his insecure wife.

[redbaron]

I don't know if this is limited to SEIs... I think I do this also, actually. It's not intended out of spite or anything, it's more me trying not to impose on others, but being kind of bad at balancing it. I initially thought this was weak Fi on my part, but if SEIs do it too I'm not sure what to attribute it to.

Hm. Well I definitely know that he's not doing it out of spite. In fact, he's very sweet. but from my point of view it kinda feels like he's redefining our relationship every single time we see each other. Which is exhausting for me, internally. I mean, I don't really care what he thinks we "are" in terms of friendship. I just want to be treated like a human being, seen and acknowledged.

[redbaron]

He's a spineless cad who can't say "no" to his insecure wife.

yeah! that's what I was thinking too. Thanks, LokiV, you made me smile.

[betterthandead]

Back in the old days, women were told what to do. how it was going to be. Now you see them slutting around and even participating on intellectual discussions online. I don't think its right for them to say what they think is right. I believe in gender norms and I see these ugly wenches dressed like men or slutting around. Women should be feminine and weaker subservient sex, far too often many men are turned off by women going for their PHDs, JDs, or Masters. Most of these women prefer not even to have children and are blinded by the fact that in order for them to want a relationship which is the ultimate destination for humanity to reproduce they have to take it. But instead they use the slight of hand techniques to get what they want foremost and you see a rising epidemic of bitter lonely emasculated men due to women and men giving them more rights.

[redbaron]

This just sounds like MEN with jealous SOs moreso than any particular personality type issue.

He probably didn't really want to cut off communication with you, so he's ambivalent about how to react when he does see you. ie: if he's too warm, he might begin to feel like he wants to initiate contact again (and encourage you), if he's too cold, he worries you'll feel hurt. So he just acts out his ambivalence with the warm-cool thing.

I think us IEIs tend to take responsibility for other people's reactions to us, when really it's not our problem (at least when we're being sincere). I've absolutely been in similar straits to what you're describing and it really sucks.

All you're responsible for is your own consistency of feeling. You still care for him, so why pretend you don't? Although it's difficult to not feel hurt with the push-pull dynamic, you're not really obliged to make it easier for him. However, would it be easier for YOU to just be superficially congenial and cut off any extended conversation? Does having these occasional brief connections just making you want more? Honestly, I'm just throwing out questions... I tend to want to keep the connection with someone I like regardless of whether it's "good" for me by any standard. But, in your case, he's set up the condition and you are honoring it because you're being sensitive to his situation.

It seems to me that in cases like this, what's required is an adjustment on my part.

Yes. I'm not pretending I don't care, I just feel like the best thing to do is to maintain a consistency of friendliness with more of a go-with-the-flow "whatever" sort of undertone. I can tell he's kind of struggling with it. The brief connections, yes, they leave me wanting more. but I've made my peace with the fact that I'm not getting more, so that part is okay. It's just the times that he's completely ignoring me, I find rude. I actually don't think he likes the situation any more than I do. But it is what it is. As to whether it's good for me or not....that's a good question. I'm beginning to think it's not. But it's still important for us to be on good terms at least superficially since we are thrown together in the same room with a group of people a couple times a week.

[redbaron]

Back in the old days, women were told what to do. how it was going to be. Now you see them slutting around and even participating on intellectual discussions online. I don't think its right for them to say what they think is right. I believe in gender norms and I see these ugly wenches dressed like men or slutting around. Women should be feminine and weaker subservient sex, far too often many men are turned off by women going for their PHDs, JDs, or Masters. Most of these women prefer not even to have children and are blinded by the fact that in order for them to want a relationship which is the ultimate destination for humanity to reproduce they have to take it. But instead they use the slight of hand techniques to get what they want foremost and you see a rising epidemic of bitter lonely emasculated men due to women and men giving them more rights.

??? Not sure how this relates....

[xyz]

yeah! that's what I was thinking too. Thanks, LokiV, you made me smile.

No problem

Losing friends to their jealous bf/gf sucks big time..

Back in the old days, women were told what to do. how it was going to be. Now you see them slutting around and even participating on intellectual discussions online. I don't think its right for them to say what they think is right. I believe in gender norms and I see these ugly wenches dressed like men or slutting around. Women should be feminine and weaker subservient sex, far too often many men are turned off by women going for their PHDs, JDs, or Masters. Most of these women prefer not even to have children and are blinded by the fact that in order for them to want a relationship which is the ultimate destination for humanity to reproduce they have to take it. But instead they use the slight of hand techniques to get what they want foremost and you see a rising epidemic of bitter lonely emasculated men due to women and men giving them more rights.

Wow.

[Elro]

Back in the old days, women were told what to do. how it was going to be. Now you see them slutting around and even participating on intellectual discussions online. I don't think its right for them to say what they think is right. I believe in gender norms and I see these ugly wenches dressed like men or slutting around. Women should be feminine and weaker subservient sex, far too often many men are turned off by women going for their PHDs, JDs, or Masters. Most of these women prefer not even to have children and are blinded by the fact that in order for them to want a relationship which is the ultimate destination for humanity to reproduce they have to take it. But instead they use the slight of hand techniques to get what they want foremost and you see a rising epidemic of bitter lonely emasculated men due to women and men giving them more rights.

I hope you're joking, but meh.

[diljs]

Fuck this, I'm going rational. Give me an ESE with their clear affections and relationship status updates.

[redbaron]

Fuck this, I'm going rational. Give me an ESE with their clear affections and relationship status updates.

Yeah, I've thought the same thing. My ESE husband is very CLEAR on stuff like this and super steady. And he always makes the atmosphere fun. AND he's never rude. NEVER.

[diljs]

Yeah, I've thought the same thing. My ESE husband is very CLEAR on stuff like this and super steady. And he always makes the atmosphere fun. AND he's never rude. NEVER.

Hell yes. The one I know right now is so clear with her emotions, it's great. Plus I can think of a few others that I've known who were very clear in their attraction towards me, unlike the whiney emo isfps who I had no idea about.

I really hope I'm an LII right now, so done with trying to probe hidden emotions.

[redbaron]

Hell yes. The one I know right now is so clear with her emotions, it's great. Plus I can think of a few others that I've known who were very clear in their attraction towards me, unlike the whiney emo isfps who I had no idea about.

I really hope I'm an LII right now, so done with trying to probe hidden emotions.

kinda sounds like it. Although I will caution you. IF you're an irrational, life probably is truly easier with another irrational type, after the relationship status is settled. Just sayin.....

[Wynch]

Back in the old days, women were told what to do. how it was going to be. Now you see them slutting around and even participating on intellectual discussions online. I don't think its right for them to say what they think is right. I believe in gender norms and I see these ugly wenches dressed like men or slutting around. Women should be feminine and weaker subservient sex, far too often many men are turned off by women going for their PHDs, JDs, or Masters. Most of these women prefer not even to have children and are blinded by the fact that in order for them to want a relationship which is the ultimate destination for humanity to reproduce they have to take it. But instead they use the slight of hand techniques to get what they want foremost and you see a rising epidemic of bitter lonely emasculated men due to women and men giving them more rights.

Breathe, Vero. Breathe. It's going to be ok.

....


*breathes*

...

I think I need to let this stew before I comment, lol.

[redbaron]

Breathe, Vero. Breathe. It's going to be ok.

....


*breathes*

...

I think I need to let this stew before I comment, lol.

[Wynch]

It doesn't help that I JUST got out of a class about socializing the body and biopolitics. Class title? Gender, the body and sexuality in the historical perspective. Umm...yeah.

[xyz]

It doesn't help that I JUST got out of a class about socializing the body and biopolitics. Class title? Gender, the body and sexuality in the historical perspective. Umm...yeah.

I can see it now...

"What's the cause of death and pestilance?"

Class: "MEN!"

"What's the origin of war and hunger in this world?"

Class: "MEN!"

"Who brought us the bikini wax?!"

Class: "MEN!"


I've gotta say... wouldn't women be bored as sin, betterhanded?

[Wynch]

I can see it now...

"What's the cause of death and pestilance?"

Class: "MEN!"

"What's the origin of war and hunger in this world?"

Class: "MEN!"

"Who brought us the bikini wax?!"

Class: "MEN!"


I've gotta say... wouldn't women be bored as sin, betterhanded?

WRONG.

Sometimes, Luis, I wonder if we live on the same planet.

[aka-kitsune]

Yes. I'm not pretending I don't care, I just feel like the best thing to do is to maintain a consistency of friendliness with more of a go-with-the-flow "whatever" sort of undertone. I can tell he's kind of struggling with it. The brief connections, yes, they leave me wanting more. but I've made my peace with the fact that I'm not getting more, so that part is okay. It's just the times that he's completely ignoring me, I find rude. I actually don't think he likes the situation any more than I do. But it is what it is. As to whether it's good for me or not....that's a good question. I'm beginning to think it's not. But it's still important for us to be on good terms at least superficially since we are thrown together in the same room with a group of people a couple times a week.

Of course, I'm not suggesting anything other than "good terms", ie: I'm not saying you should actively snub him. Just that your contact will likely continue be at best clearly superficial and as IEIs, we both know that's really unsatisfying and empty.

I would tend to feel like I'm "pretending" and eventually the emotional buildup would probably generate a scene in yer classic sense.

I'm sure he doesn't want to give up your friendship. But with his wife threatened by you, he's preserving his marriage. He sounds like a decent ethical guy. Perhaps the situation will change eventually. Or he'll just get tired of the insecurity. IME, people eventually get tired of being mistrusted. The wife obviously doesn't really trust him, let alone you.

I wish you well. It's a real bind. <3

[diljs]

kinda sounds like it. Although I will caution you. IF you're an irrational, life probably is truly easier with another irrational type, after the relationship status is settled. Just sayin.....

Yeahhh I don't know, it's possible that my "SEIs" were wrongly typed. I like everything in theory about SEI romantic styles except for the fact that they don't seem up front with their emotions, which I think I prefer after recent bad experience with what I thought was an SEI. There were other guys involved that were after her, and she was so open ended that I never knew she preferred me to the others until it was too late. All you need to do is tell me once, not like its an every day thing.

As much as I hate the idea of being a rational, it seems to make sense on that level. Maybe we need a new thread on ESFj romance so I can be attracted or repelled by that.

[redbaron]

Of course, I'm not suggesting anything other than "good terms", ie: I'm not saying you should actively snub him. Just that your contact will likely continue be at best clearly superficial and as IEIs, we both know that's really unsatisfying and empty.

I would tend to feel like I'm "pretending" and eventually the emotional buildup would probably generate a scene in yer classic sense.

I'm sure he doesn't want to give up your friendship. But with his wife threatened by you, he's preserving his marriage. He sounds like a decent ethical guy. Perhaps the situation will change eventually. Or he'll just get tired of the insecurity. IME, people eventually get tired of being mistrusted. The wife obviously doesn't really trust him, let alone you.

I wish you well. It's a real bind. <3

Yes, a superficial relationship isn't that satisfying but it's better than ignoring each other. We bounce around the Fe like it's nobody's business, which is really fun for me. It's never been a very deep friendship anyway, just has some nice mutual understanding and we're interested in a lot of the same topics and hobbies. He's an extremely decent guy and I kind of get the impression that he doesn't have many friends so I've been wondering if maybe our friendship was his closest one and he felt funny about it. (of course I have several friends who are closer than I was with him) He already resents not feeling trusted by his wife (who is EII and an E6, total worrier about everything) but he's in it for the long haul and it's good of him to stick it out. The other issue is that I'm 10 years younger than they are so she's probably a bit threatened by that as well. (which, in my opinion has nothing to do with it, but I'm sure she sees it differently)

[redbaron]

Yeahhh I don't know, it's possible that my "SEIs" were wrongly typed. I like everything in theory about SEI romantic styles except for the fact that they don't seem up front with their emotions, which I think I prefer after recent bad experience with what I thought was an SEI. There were other guys involved that were after her, and she was so open ended that I never knew she preferred me to the others until it was too late. All you need to do is tell me once, not like its an every day thing.

As much as I hate the idea of being a rational, it seems to make sense on that level. Maybe we need a new thread on ESFj romance so I can be attracted or repelled by that.

yeah, start one!

[Rubicon]

The image in my head is that it's like the two of you are dueling. And his tactic is to keep his distance from you, than suddenly dart in, show you how he feels, then move out again. He figures that by maintaining his distance for awhile after moving in, it serves the purpose of letting the feelings sink in, and also lets them dissipate somewhat so that the next time you interact genuinely, it will be like starting at square one again. In other words, he knows the relationship isn't allowed to progress, so if he was consistently warm and perfectly genuine about his feelings with you, he feels the relationship will start deepening again and he can't allow that. But diluting the relationship to a superficial one is more than he can bear.

I think it probably also has to do with your intertype relations. Being that you're both Fe egos, you are both drinking in each other's feelings when you interact. I think Fe is sort of like a sponge that soaks up all the emotions in its path. If you were a logical type though, I don't think he would feel the need to be all or nothing, because you would be sort of like the emotional regulator in the relationship, not as susceptible to internalising emotions that might just be the overflow of a full heart. Not that they're not real, but he probably finds it hard not to represent his true feelings towards you, and you're not helping him by not being stand-offish. (c: So he feels he has to do the pushing-away thing every once awhile to keep the relationship somewhat balanced. It's too hard for him to regulate his feelings fulltime, so he does it in bursts.

That's the way I see it anyway. I could be massively projecting though. (c:

[redbaron]

The image in my head is that it's like the two of you are dueling. And his tactic is to keep his distance from you, than suddenly dart in, show you how he feels, then move out again. He figures that by maintaining his distance for awhile after moving in, it serves the purpose of letting the feelings sink in, and also lets them dissipate somewhat so that the next time you interact genuinely, it will be like starting at square one again. In other words, he knows the relationship isn't allowed to progress, so if he was consistently warm and perfectly genuine about his feelings with you, he feels the relationship will start deepening again and he can't allow that. But diluting the relationship to a superficial one is more than he can bear.

I think it probably also has to do with your intertype relations. Being that you're both Fe egos, you are both drinking in each other's feelings when you interact. I think Fe is sort of like a sponge that soaks up all the emotions in its path. If you were a logical type though, I don't think he would feel the need to be all or nothing, because you would be sort of like the emotional regulator in the relationship, not as susceptible to internalising emotions that might just be the overflow of a full heart. Not that they're not real, but he probably finds it hard not to represent his true feelings towards you, and you're not helping him by not being stand-offish. (c: So he feels he has to do the pushing-away thing every once awhile to keep the relationship somewhat balanced. It's too hard for him to regulate his feelings fulltime, so he does it in bursts.

That's the way I see it anyway. I could be massively projecting though. (c:

my goodness, this is good! It's like you know him personally. (well, you're SEI, after all, lol) I have to run take my kids to soccer but I'm going to think more about this. I really think you've hit the nail on the head here.

[Rubicon]

Breathe, Vero. Breathe. It's going to be ok.

....


*breathes*

...

I think I need to let this stew before I comment, lol.

I think he was joking. I hope he was joking.

[Cuddly McFluffles]

Breathe, Vero. Breathe. It's going to be ok.

....


*breathes*

...

I think I need to let this stew before I comment, lol.

<3 Vero. I come to think he's just a troll.

[diljs]

The image in my head is that it's like the two of you are dueling. And his tactic is to keep his distance from you, than suddenly dart in, show you how he feels, then move out again. He figures that by maintaining his distance for awhile after moving in, it serves the purpose of letting the feelings sink in, and also lets them dissipate somewhat so that the next time you interact genuinely, it will be like starting at square one again. In other words, he knows the relationship isn't allowed to progress, so if he was consistently warm and perfectly genuine about his feelings with you, he feels the relationship will start deepening again and he can't allow that. But diluting the relationship to a superficial one is more than he can bear.

I think it probably also has to do with your intertype relations. Being that you're both Fe egos, you are both drinking in each other's feelings when you interact. I think Fe is sort of like a sponge that soaks up all the emotions in its path. If you were a logical type though, I don't think he would feel the need to be all or nothing, because you would be sort of like the emotional regulator in the relationship, not as susceptible to internalising emotions that might just be the overflow of a full heart. Not that they're not real, but he probably finds it hard not to represent his true feelings towards you, and you're not helping him by not being stand-offish. (c: So he feels he has to do the pushing-away thing every once awhile to keep the relationship somewhat balanced. It's too hard for him to regulate his feelings fulltime, so he does it in bursts.

That's the way I see it anyway. I could be massively projecting though. (c:

That sounds exactly like what's happening

[redbaron]

I'm going to see him tonight. we'll see if he's hot or cold this time.

[Rubicon]

I'm going to see him tonight. we'll see if he's hot or cold this time.

better than being lukewarm :-P

[redbaron]

better than being lukewarm :-P

Yeah I guess so. he wouldn't have a hard time with this if he didn't care.

[Satan]

I had been good friends with this male SEI for two years when he told me (a few months ago) that his wife's insecurities and wild imagination wouldn't allow her to be okay with our friendship and that he can't be friends anymore. Fine so we didn't see each other all summer. No contact. Then this fall we're running into each other at church again and surprise, he's friendly. Sometimes. Every other time I see him, he waits for me and talks to me. But the time directly after that, he completely ignores me, acts like I'm not even there.

I'm not SEI, but none the less I've been acussed of blowing hot and cold.

When I was young, sometimes people used to "call me out" on my behaviour. Like I was "hot" one moment then "cold" another. And they wanted to know "why" I was cold....

The way I personally see it, is if someone's looking at if I'm hot or cold too much. Then it's kind of intrusive. It's like lots of little things make me go hot/cold. And when I'm in a good mood I tend to be hotter/warm/more enthusiastic with most people..

But if they give me a negative signal I can kind of back off a bit. Hold my heat/warmth in, and direct it towards people who want it more.

So really other people have to be warm in return to me.. bounce me back a lot .. for me to continue to be warm.

But I go cold easily. And don't even know why half the time or more.

I know that SEIs can be hot and cold but I'm really not sure I feel like dealing with this. I'm not saying he always has to be super friendly but I feel like I deserve some consistency here. I guess my gut is saying to let it roll off my back and let him deal with it. After all, he's an ethical type and he's aware of what he's doing. There is a part of me, however, that feels like I'm not being treated fairly. He ends it, then he's friendly, then he ignores me, then he's friendly again, then he ignores me again, then he's friendly again.

I don't know .. I've found lots of people run hot/cold. Why do you need consistency so badly? You don't have a solid bond with him. Why not just admit to that.

For me, i know my biggest problem in the past, was with people who weren't around much .. when they weren't around much .. I tended to not know which way to go with them. . but things evened out around people more.

There's also things like .. is it better to have more interaction or less. . . moderate isn't so easy for me. Superficial isn't too hard.

So I can be superficial with everyone. But if people seem to want more than superficial interactions .. more factors come in.

My guess is that the reason the ENTp is perfect for the ISFp is because they're distracted with their projects and can't be bothered to waste time thinking about this sort of thing! Am I right? The ILE leaves the decisions about the relationship up to the SEI and when the SEI is ready, the ILE is still there, doing their thing. This duality pair is making more sense to me now. lol

I don't know .. projects .. some people talk about projects. .. and I've known people who talk about projects .. who have also accused me of blowing hot and cold ..

Feel free to comment as you like. I know we've talked about hot-cold SEIs in the past. Just wanted to share my experience here.

I actually think lots of people do hot-cold things. Like at the moment there's this girl that seemed to be hot/cold towards me. And it was weird. It often seemed like I couldn't really expect her to be warm/hot towards me. But she got cold too. And that's where things got strange. Because the strangest thing about her in the beginning was that she didn't seem to go cold...

And to me I actually kind of *expect* people to be hot/cold. Otherwise it's like they're being manipulative. That said with the girl that seemed hot/cold I went back on previous interactions in my mind. And at first she was kind of aloof.

And because of her aloofness, I didn't seem to feel that it was a good idea to pay her too much attention. But she seemed to kind of manipulate me into paying her more attention.

But then the content of all her interactions seemed shallow and superficial.

And I know that's the one of the things that can make me go hot and cold more. If someone's shallow and superficial in their interactions, sometimes warm sometimes not ... Then in a way, I can kind of go cold. Because there's not a lot of "point" of interactions, even if there are positive emotions.

Also with some people, they'll kind of make it harder for you to interact with them, than they have to. And sometimes it's worthwhile to interact with them, but other times it's not.

Like I don't know .. lots of people say "give me a call" or something, and want you to initiate interactions .. but if they never call you, then you don't really have to call them. If you call them and they're not around, does that mean you're going to leave your name, and get them to ring you back. Or are you going to try later or what.

I think sometimes with people, to my mind it makes sense to decide how important they are to you. What lengths you'll go to to get hold of them etc.

And I know with me for example, I can ignore people if they're busy when I first see them, and then leave mid-way through my time there. And yet if they're there until the end of the time I'm there I'll often interact with them last.

So the easy way to get out of interacting with me, is to just leave. Because I don't chase most interactions. But then "waiting" to be interacted with can mean I suppose I can kind of blow hot and cold if there's not enough positive interaction to be bothered with.

Bah, why am I even thinking about this stuff.

I think the best solution with people going hot/cold is to decide what you want from them. How you want interactions to go etc.

Like you say he ignores you. But do you ignore him? He happens to run into you at various times. Is he busy/preoccupied? Maybe he's got a lot on, and you'd be a distraction.

You're not friends anymore. Because of his wife. Does that mean he has "feelings" for you, and doesn't want the emotional ramifications.

[Satan]

Yeah I guess so. he wouldn't have a hard time with this if he didn't care.

How much do you care?

[redbaron]

How much do you care?

whoa, you changed your avatar. it's weird.

I care quite a bit and I think he does too. there's some history there and when you're my age, it's not that easy to make meaningful connections with people so you hold on to the friendships that mean something. We share a lot of similar interests--some that none of my other friends share. But, you know, I'm a big girl and I can deal with it. I just thought it was a little odd--saying it was over and then acting all friendly as if nothing had changed and then ignoring me and then acting all friendly again and then ignoring me. I dunno. But I think Jem had some really good insights that are helping me think about what may be going on with him.

[redbaron]

I'm not SEI, but none the less I've been acussed of blowing hot and cold.

When I was young, sometimes people used to "call me out" on my behaviour. Like I was "hot" one moment then "cold" another. And they wanted to know "why" I was cold....

The way I personally see it, is if someone's looking at if I'm hot or cold too much. Then it's kind of intrusive. It's like lots of little things make me go hot/cold. And when I'm in a good mood I tend to be hotter/warm/more enthusiastic with most people..

But if they give me a negative signal I can kind of back off a bit. Hold my heat/warmth in, and direct it towards people who want it more.

So really other people have to be warm in return to me.. bounce me back a lot .. for me to continue to be warm.

But I go cold easily. And don't even know why half the time or more.



I don't know .. I've found lots of people run hot/cold. Why do you need consistency so badly? You don't have a solid bond with him. Why not just admit to that.

For me, i know my biggest problem in the past, was with people who weren't around much .. when they weren't around much .. I tended to not know which way to go with them. . but things evened out around people more.

There's also things like .. is it better to have more interaction or less. . . moderate isn't so easy for me. Superficial isn't too hard.

So I can be superficial with everyone. But if people seem to want more than superficial interactions .. more factors come in.



I don't know .. projects .. some people talk about projects. .. and I've known people who talk about projects .. who have also accused me of blowing hot and cold ..



I actually think lots of people do hot-cold things. Like at the moment there's this girl that seemed to be hot/cold towards me. And it was weird. It often seemed like I couldn't really expect her to be warm/hot towards me. But she got cold too. And that's where things got strange. Because the strangest thing about her in the beginning was that she didn't seem to go cold...

And to me I actually kind of *expect* people to be hot/cold. Otherwise it's like they're being manipulative. That said with the girl that seemed hot/cold I went back on previous interactions in my mind. And at first she was kind of aloof.

And because of her aloofness, I didn't seem to feel that it was a good idea to pay her too much attention. But she seemed to kind of manipulate me into paying her more attention.

But then the content of all her interactions seemed shallow and superficial.

And I know that's the one of the things that can make me go hot and cold more. If someone's shallow and superficial in their interactions, sometimes warm sometimes not ... Then in a way, I can kind of go cold. Because there's not a lot of "point" of interactions, even if there are positive emotions.

Also with some people, they'll kind of make it harder for you to interact with them, than they have to. And sometimes it's worthwhile to interact with them, but other times it's not.

Like I don't know .. lots of people say "give me a call" or something, and want you to initiate interactions .. but if they never call you, then you don't really have to call them. If you call them and they're not around, does that mean you're going to leave your name, and get them to ring you back. Or are you going to try later or what.

I think sometimes with people, to my mind it makes sense to decide how important they are to you. What lengths you'll go to to get hold of them etc.

And I know with me for example, I can ignore people if they're busy when I first see them, and then leave mid-way through my time there. And yet if they're there until the end of the time I'm there I'll often interact with them last.

So the easy way to get out of interacting with me, is to just leave. Because I don't chase most interactions. But then "waiting" to be interacted with can mean I suppose I can kind of blow hot and cold if there's not enough positive interaction to be bothered with.

Bah, why am I even thinking about this stuff.

I think the best solution with people going hot/cold is to decide what you want from them. How you want interactions to go etc.

Like you say he ignores you. But do you ignore him? He happens to run into you at various times. Is he busy/preoccupied? Maybe he's got a lot on, and you'd be a distraction.

You're not friends anymore. Because of his wife. Does that mean he has "feelings" for you, and doesn't want the emotional ramifications.

I get the whole hot-cold thing in general but with this situation it's different because we had had a previously established pattern of interacting that didn't include ignoring each other. Of course once the friendship ended, I didn't think it would including being friendly either. So I got confused. I'm still confused. Does our friendship exist, or not? It's not my job to make that decision. The good thing is, all I have to do is be myself. He knows where to find me. I have no problem with him, this is his issue.

No, I don't ignore him unless it's very clear that he's in the ignoring mode himself. But I don't approach him anymore. Because, you know, he broke it off. So any approaching to talk or whatnot is done by him.

[Satan]

whoa, you changed your avatar. it's weird.

You should see some of the other ones I found.

I care quite a bit and I think he does too. there's some history there and when you're my age, it's not that easy to make meaningful connections with people so you hold on to the friendships that mean something. We share a lot of similar interests--some that none of my

Strange. I remember myself thinking something similar recently. I don't think I'm nearly as old as you though.

other friends share. But, you know, I'm a big girl and I can deal with it. I just thought it was a little odd--saying it was over and then acting all friendly as if nothing had changed and then ignoring me and then acting all friendly again and then ignoring me. I dunno. But I think Jem had some really good insights that are helping me think about what may be going on with him.

*shrug*

I've done exactly that behaviour in the past, so it doesn't seem that strange to me.

To me the girl I was acting that way towards .. she seemed kind of clingy/needy. And I didn't feel like I was that invested in her. And sometimes I was quite negative towards her.

She said something about me "changing" and that I used to be a lot more "patient" with her, and that I'd "changed" and that she didn't like being around me when I was "arguementative" / "domineering" / "controlling". And that she didn't know what to "expect".

It went something like that at least. It's a bit foggy .. in my mind.

I was drinking a lot .. stressed out a lot ... She said something like I could be loud and obnoxious.. .didn't know when to stop .. Could say things that "really hurt" to her, and that from most people they didn't even know what to say to hurt them .. but from me it'd really sink in and make her feel really bad about herself ... etc etc.

Actually now that I recollect, that sounds more than just cold/indifferent.

Anyway .. I haven't seen her for a while .. but things calmed down a lot. I don't see her very often .. but when I do it's always positive. She's got a boyfriend who is always nice to her .. and some of the old issues like me speaking up about things she did and her boyfriend joining in .. and her deciding that she was being ganged up on .. went away ..

Actually the last time I saw her, she was saying something about me being forceful or something .. and how she couldn't get people to do things that they didn't want to do.

It's like in a way she seemed kind of reluctant .. like she was trying to get by .. and I could kind of push her, provoke her, prod her etc. But sometimes I took things a bit far.

And then looking at her boyfriend, it was like not only could he not really do that. But he was joining in with me. Making it seem like he was on my side rather than hers. And I didn't really stay "taking sides" normally...

But yeah .. some of the umm .. "negative" behaviour of mine, seemed to kind of have a bad effect on her. I probably pushed her into a lot more uncertainty/insecurity than her boyfriend. But at the same time, I kind of knew her well.

Oh well I'm ranting and raving. good luck

[Satan]

I get the whole hot-cold thing in general but with this situation it's different because we had had a previously established pattern of interacting that didn't include ignoring each other. Of course once the friendship ended, I didn't think it would including being friendly either. So I got confused. I'm still confused. Does our friendship

You could say "I thought we weren't friends?"

exist, or not? It's not my job to make that decision. The good thing is, all I have to do is be myself. He knows where to find me. I have no problem with him, this is his issue.

I don't know. Pause?

No, I don't ignore him unless it's very clear that he's in the ignoring mode himself. But I don't approach him anymore. Because, you know, he broke it off. So any approaching to talk or whatnot is done by him.

Yeah,.

I remember when I was young people wanting to break relations .. and then them coming back to me.. and I'd be like "I thought we weren't friends", and they'd get kind of flustured.

Sometimes people would say things like sometimes they say things they don't mean etc.

People can be complicated. If someone says that they don't want to be friends with you, and then they're around, then what do you make of it? If they want to be friends with other people around you, does that mean it's right for you to push them away.

Ignoring games can get pretty intense.

I mean if someone just seems to ignore me out of nowhere, I can often think that they want to be ignored. But what about when they start talking negatively about you behind your back? If someone has a problem with you, is it your responsibility to find out what that problem is.

[Creepy-Pied Piper]

Removed at User Request

[Khola aka Bee]

hahaha, this reminds me of an ex workmate, SEI male around 40, ethical subtype. i'm not sure this happens to sensing subtypes. this guy was very friendly sometimes, telling different interesting stories, promising to bring and show us some curiosities like war metals or sculptures. one would have a feeling of closeness... until next time . the other time he had the air he doesn't even know you, forgot to bring the promised things, etc. he behaved so distant that when i didn't know him enough i though i offended him, or something. some days he was scaring girls with fake reptiles or different tricks then the other day he was so sober and serious that one wouldn't even think to make a joke with him.

you IEIs are putting too much to the heart, follow ppl and judge their every "wrong" deed, and usually don't forget it until you have the occasion to confess to the guilty one. and maybe this doesn't happen because SEIs are too random and you cannot find the right moment?

we ILEs have the trump for this situation, because we never know when it's the right moment, actually we don't care too much about it. the need for something or to find out their secret is more powerful, a reason can be made up anyway . at the same time, yeah, even if i notice that "something wrong" with the SEI, if i'm busy i prefer things to stay like that, it's a heavenly gift to have people around without wanting something from you.
another good thing with SEIs around is that when there's nothing to talk about you don't feel the need to say something, there is no embarrassment in silence with them. you may simply ignore them, they usually have something to be busy with. if they haven't they find something to attract your curiosity and suddenly there is a subject for chatting.

♥ from a SEI-Fe