The evening sky was beautiful. Grey oppressive clouds formed a cocoon of obscurity over the world, black trees like fragile metalwork, like paper cutouts, arranged themselves in perfect composition. The road was a continuous brushstroke of ink and the taillights of cars trailed in lines, red roses sprung from asphalt. Suspended in the air were minute lanterns, white fairy beacons heralding our procession. And the most glorious touch was a strip of cerulean blue, rich and brilliant, against the ominous grey hand stretching for the horizon.
My senses play games with me, bewitch me at odd hours, lead me into strange habits - I write to capture them in words, in linguistic imagery, I paint to capture them in form and colour, to invite the world into my rapture. I know I seem strange to some of my peers, my behaviour and airs are a little off-putting. They regard me as some eccentric who tinkers with words, pronounces synonyms for them in english class, waxes deliriously on subjects they couldn't give a damn about and generally estranges myself from them, embedded in a world of books and esoteric art, flummoxing films and peculiar tastes. Not the outlandish shocking kind, but an oddity attenuated to the music of a different sphere.
But at this moment, I couldn't give a damn what they think. I pity them that their lives run on such narrow tracks, that they are content with the mundane, that they can't see the innate beauty in every second of the world, that they can't feel the spirit of transformation and transcendence.
Looking out into that kingfisher blue, into the halo of streetlights that absorb some eerie magic, my world is enriched. I crawled from the womb hungry for experience, thirsty for beauty; a vampiric lust to absorb the ephemeral wonders within me. Even when my body is stationery, my mind transverses all boundaries. And the world in its construction, its mystery, is a playground for the child to frolic; a feast to satiate the most divine of famines.
IEI/INFp's lack of homeostasis and role introverted sensing Si
Originally Posted by esper
Something the INTj thread made me think about, and I think I learned a little about myself and what it means to be Se-seeking... I try not to indulge in activities that will make me feel bad (to feel a lack of internal homeostasis) because I know that is a "good" thing to do (evidencing my Si role), but inevitably, I will be dissatisfied with this and frustrated over it (again evidencing my Si role) and I will indulge in them, happy as can be. My inner status is something I know I should maintain, but eventually I get frustrated with maintaining--that inner sense of stability created by the reaction to stimulai. But the actual experience of the stimulai, of the outer qualities of the thing itself--taste, color, sensation, movement--is something directly stimulating, something I give up the role of maintaining homeostasis for; it is not the sense of normalcy that the stimulai creates for me, but the actual sensation of it, an outer thing, that genuinely stimulates me, that feeds me back--a Se thing, as Se observes the outer situation of objects. Mabye I need to explain that better, but I'll leave it at that. And I can stock up on these experiences and always walk around with a feeling of satisfaction and positive stimulation--something beyond normalcy. This I see as innately different from what Si is seeking, a difference in the way they walk and talk and think, in what they desire out of life. They seem to approach stimulai with a desire to create a sense of "okayness" (which is all good and dandy for them), while I desire to create a definite sense of stimulation in one direction or another, not content with just internal stability and feeling rather frustrated by it after a time. They can wallow in environments where there is not alot of definite stimulation one way or another and still be present to the situation and active in it, which I admire them for and wish I could be content with; in such a situation, I feel like I am drowning, and must escape. This creates the oddities in my nature: I appear rather laid back and zen, a person entertained by quiet reflection, but I am also experiencing restlessness and wanderlust at every moment that I am not so engaged in such stimulation. I need something to create a definite charge or passion to even feel okay inside. Although I am always trying to be "good" and follow the rules to create internal stability, finding myself actually in a homeostatic state makes me feel extremely depressed, frustrated, even angry. An active mind and imagination is probably a coping mechanism for this. So I am always preparing for the future times when there will be no stimulation by stocking up on stimulating mental and physical experiences. Otherwise, I will be just as depressed as alot of INXp seem to be, like Niffweed. But I would die before I would allow myself to feel listless like so many so-called INFp seem to be. Such a thing feels like not being able to breathe, and creates a very ornery me who will even allow an argument or conflict to develop just to feel better, I realize now. I think back of all the times I felt incredibly stimulated after an argument, feeling the willpower of two individuals clashing, the Se evaluation. And how it made me feel active, like exerting my own willpower to experience more, and feeling the events around me coalescing into something good and new--such a thing is characteristic of "peak experiences" for me, which I think of as a good characterization of the Ni->Se path to stimulation.
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