How does an IEI/INFp become more assertive?

[betterthan]

People always walk over INFPs all the time! Its so upsetting, to never have done anything and to have them be really bitchy about you.

And I have done the whole, I am so weak and pathetic thing - that’s why they do it. But now I am over that and really angry. Even if I am those things, its not a good enough reason to be mean about me!

I don't know how to assert myself in a way to make people back off that doesn't hurt them, they don't even do it to my face, they do it so I can hear...and I want to show them that I am not a push over, but I can't confront them coz they will deny they ever said anything.

I don't understand how people can dislike me so much for not talking to them. Is that really offensive?

I would take responsibility for what I have done, if I had done anything, but all I can think of is that I have been miserable and not spoken, could that be depicted as me hating people?

How do I be more assertive?

[Elro]

Try harder.

[betterthandead]

Believe it or not, some personality types like it when someone is vulnerable and emotional because it fills in a void or their hidden side.

There is nothing wrong with this as long as this is your natural personality.

Also try not to see this as a dominate/submissive kind of thing, without someone submissive or a follower there is no such thing as a leader/dominant. Infact someone who is naturally dominant NEEDS someone submissive than the other way around.

[crazedrat]

just unleash your anger and drive them out of your life. then go to a bar and hook up with some ESTps. easy

[Satan]

People always walk over INFPs all the time! Its so upsetting, to never have done anything and to have them be really bitchy about you.

THEN DO SOMETHING.

And I have done the whole, I am so weak and pathetic thing - that’s why they do it. But now I am over that and really angry. Even if I am those things, its not a good enough reason to be mean about me!

My younger brother does this.

I don't know how to assert myself in a way to make people back off that doesn't hurt them, they don't even do it to my face, they do it so I can hear...and I want to show them that I am not a push over, but I can't confront them coz they will deny they ever said anything.

You shouldn't need to prove yourself to anyone.

I don't understand how people can dislike me so much for not talking to them. Is that really offensive?

Yes.

I would take responsibility for what I have done, if I had done anything, but all I can think of is that I have been miserable and not spoken, could that be depicted as me hating people?

Stop being miserable then. And speak. And yes it could.

How do I be more assertive?

By being more assertive in the moment. Every moment, where you can be more assertive or less, there is a choice.

[Satan]

I don't know about Dinki, but I would be pissed by the last part of this answer. Only because I'm NICE doesn't mean I want to be dominated, especially not by ASSHOLES.

See, dinki, it was easy. I said what I felt without insulting anyone.

Hey, I take offence. I hate it when people try to say that they're NICE and other people are ASSHOLES. It's so fucking passive aggressive.

Don't confront assholes if you don't need to, and if you need to, do it in your way. Don't let them force you into answering in their "language". If they use Se and Ti, stick to your functions, and you'll be proud of yourself.

If you see someone as an asshole, then they may as well act towards you like an asshole. If you can't communicate on a common level, and you're going to try to distort things, then you're pretty fucking intolerant. Why should anyone listen to you.

Just be yourself, and let others be themselves. The ones you don't like, just avoid them. In my opinion at least 95% of the world's population is cool and worthy of your attention, so why spend energy on the last 5%? If you are surrounded by 90% assholes, go talk with the other 10% and ignore the bastards as long as you can.

[/quote]

So you're saying that anyone you have a problem with is, a small majority. And not important. And then you go and say it's everyone. Make up your mind.

[hellothere]

Don't confront assholes if you don't need to, and if you need to, do it in your way. Don't let them force you into answering in their "language". If they use Se and Ti, stick to your functions, and you'll be proud of yourself.

Just be yourself, and let others be themselves. The ones you don't like, just avoid them. In my opinion at least 95% of the world's population is cool and worthy of your attention, so why spend energy on the last 5%? If you are surrounded by 90% assholes, go talk with the other 10% and ignore the bastards as long as you can.

I think this is good adivce (:

[machintruc]

How do I be more assertive?

You just have to be more assertive. That's all. It works.

[Satan]

If Dinki behaves well, and others don't, then he's nice and they are assholes. It's not passive-aggressive anything, it's just an observation.

And if you take offence by observations, you are a little too sensitive for your own good. Unless you are one of those assholes picking on Dinki, and then I'll let you state your perspective as well.

Well, when I took offence; I was looking at putting myself in the situation of someone saying NICE .. ASSHOLE .. dividing people. And *I* haven't done anything wrong to you. You just assume I'm an asshole. And pretty much I've had this kind of behaviour towards me before.

There are people who I don't interact with. Who I don't know the name of, who will out of the blue call me an asshole. But there are also people who say about how they're "NICE" and everyone else is an asshole. And it's usually a cover up.

If someone's really nice they don't need to say that they're nice. Actions speak louder than words.

If you see someone as an asshole you definitely shouldn't behave like an asshole yourself, that was my message to Dinki. If the common level of communication is rude, then why should he behave rude? It doesn't help him on any level, neither internal nor external. The assholes will just get what they want.

Dinki is a lost and confused INFp. I read some previous threads just now, because you seem to have ascribed meaning and relevance to what you say regarding Dinki. And to be honest, I don't know Dinki. And I can't remember seeing these old posts; I went and checked.

There's nothing wrong with not knowing something; there's nothing wrong with not knowing someone. You're not inherently bad for stumbling into a situation, where you don't understand everything.

Now if you come into a situation, and people are rude. Then that's where things are at. You can't say "they shouldn't be rude" and expect that magically everyone's going to suddenly stop being rude, unless people have somehow decided that as soon as you enter the situation they should start being nice to each other. Which probably means that they fear you. Which means you're going to get some people, who will act aggressively towards you, to "test" you.

I don't tell people they should listen to me. I give them the option to listen to me.

What you have to say can't be very important then.

I don't have a problem with almost anyone, and I even find most people really interesting. I don't have to make up my mind, as I perceive people to be mostly nice. The people who are not, and they exist, I don't spend my time on them, no. Why on earth should I speak with scum? They are not important, even if they think so.

You habitually avoid people. I don't even know who you're talking about. Most people can be shifted towards behaving better than they currently are. Although you can't expect someone to completely switch around over night. Real change takes time.

Everyone? I said that if, in Dinkis world (or perception), most people are not interesting, then he should talk with the ones he finds interesting.

And I'm not sure where you got the idea that most people aren't very interesting to Dinki. What I instead got the impression of, was that Dinki finds it hard to get people to respect him.

If he's trying to get respect, then going around saying that people aer'nt interesting, that they're not important to him etc, then they're going to pick up on that, and say that he's not very important to them. Get it?

[Satan]

You just have to be more assertive. That's all. It works.

Push him in!

[machintruc]

Push him in!

If you actually can't do it naturally, because you lack motivation, or because you're you're a people-pleasing retard, try lack of sleep and coffee. I tried it, and it did fuckin' work.

[Satan]

If you actually can't do it naturally, because you lack motivation, or because you're you're a people-pleasing retard, try lack of sleep and coffee. I tried it, and it did fuckin' work.

Coffee makes me less assertive.

[machintruc]

Coffee makes me less assertive.

As far as I know, it makes your norepinephrin and dopamine levels higher, and your serotonin level lower.

If you drink lots of coffee, you may become pretty much like a loud asshole.

[Satan]

As far as I know, it makes your norepinephrin and dopamine levels higher, and your serotonin level lower.

If you drink lots of coffee, you may become pretty much like a loud asshole.

i can already be a loud asshole. i don't need coffee for that.

[machintruc]

i can already be a loud asshole. i don't need coffee for that.

Then, why do you complain of not being assertive enough ?

[Satan]

Then, why do you complain of not being assertive enough ?

It's not me complaining. I'm trying to think about Dinki's problem .. and it strikes me that he's mostly scared of hurting other people. He doesn't want to offend anybody.

So I think he should start by interrupting people, being rude, and obnoxious. To get rid of his fear of pissing people off.

[Satan]

From there he should go towards what he wants. He should decide who and what is relevant to him; and be aware of who's getting the way of that, and who is helping him towards that.

[Wittmont]

I actually think mercutio is giving good advice

Dinki sounds as if he is slinking along the walls looking dejected projecting the impression that he just wants to be left alone and nobody should pay him any mind and leave him alone to wallow in his misery and so on and so forth (obviously I am exaggerating). There probably is no better way to invite exactly that kind of whispering campaign, or even outright mobbing, than for someone to do that. It isn't really a matter of who's right and who's wrong, it is a matter of how things are. You see this kind of conflict every day in the schoolyard, at work etc.

I'm sure Dinki is 'nice' and I agree that people picking on persons they see as 'weaker' are 'assholes' but for Dinki to avoid his/her problem he has to change his/her approach. Either be strong enough not to care about the 'behind the back talk' or confront the whisperers with their hypocrisy. They pick on Dinki becasue Dinki seems an easy and safe target for the projections of their own insecurities and fears etc.

[unefille]

I'm sure Dinki is 'nice' and I agree that people picking on persons they see as 'weaker' are 'assholes' but for Dinki to avoid his/her problem he has to change his/her approach. Either be strong enough not to care about the 'behind the back talk' or confront the whisperers with their hypocrisy. They pick on Dinki becasue Dinki seems an easy and safe target for the projections of their own insecurities and fears etc.

I think this is fantastic advice.

Also, something that works for me: You need to determine a boundary line. As long as they stay outside that boundary line (whispering behind your back etc perhaps), ignore them. Once they've crossed it, confront them. Some people can be pushed further than others, but you have to be the one to set the boundary - don't let them push you until you lose control.

[machintruc]

http://www.videojug.com/tag/becoming-assertive

EDIT: http://www.videojug.com/film/leader-of-the-pack that video can be helpful too

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Oh mercutio, I believe that's horribly bad advice. If it was as simple as just doing it, I think she'd have already done it by now.

Besides, if you just do something when you're not ready or you haven't prepared yourself - you will end up embarrassing yourself and making the situation worse. It's bad to be assertive if you still haven't learned how to do it yet. You might even be mocked or laughed at.

You know what helps me? It sounds strange but I practice on my cell phone (mine has a built in sound recorder thingie, so I think most of them do), and I play it back how I sound. I then study how basically assertive I sound. I noticed at first I was sounding really whiny and self-defeating even when I was speaking I thought I was OK.

I do this sometimes before I'm about to talk to somebody, because I too was walked all over in my past before. Don't feel bad or guilty if you have to do silly things like this, because ime they do work.

Assertion is quite necessary in the area I live, because everybody thinks like they're this big gangsta tough guy. *rolls eyes* I can speak a bit softer and more naturally if I'm in a not so ghetto area.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

That leader of the pack video was fucking stupid as hell. I would fight with that woman and she would totally piss me off. I'd probably push her down a flight of stairs. Just because I'm passive doesn't mean I want somebody on my throat all the time. It seemed like a clashing of quadras and it was so unnatural. Ugh.

I get what they're saying but leadership tends to be a bit more subtle than that.

Fuck this passive/dominant yin yang heterosexist BULLSHIT. It fucking pisses me the fuck off.

lol ahem. Excuse me, I have to vacuum the entire house in a rage.

[Blaze]

dinki: flare your Se. like a blowtorch. heh. you've got it girl, don't worry, you've got it.

[machintruc]

dinki: flare your Se. like a blowtorch. heh. you've got it girl, don't worry, you've got it.

This has nothing to do with . I have polr, and I usually don't have problems asserting myself.

[idolatrie]

lol ahem. Excuse me, I have to vacuum the entire house in a rage.

Ahahaha, I totally approve of this method of anger/stress management.

[Ezra]

The only answer to this question I've heard of is to take assertion classes. A lot of women normally have a problem with it (although there are a great number of women who are naturally assertive), as I think most men are pressured (not necessarily in a negative way) into becoming more assertive by their more naturally assertive male peers.

[machintruc]

The only answer to this question I've heard of is to take assertion classes. A lot of women normally have a problem with it (although there are a great number of women who are naturally assertive), as I think most men are pressured (not necessarily in a negative way) into becoming more assertive by their more naturally assertive male peers.

Males don't tend to be Nines or Twos, that's all.

[Rubicon]

Males don't tend to be Nines or Twos, that's all.

rubbish

[Darkstar]

Read books

[betterthan]

Wow! Thanks guys for all the advice!

I wish I could comment back to everyone who posted, but I wasn't expecting this much great advice! So I would just like to say thank you so much everyone!

I have been reading about how to become more assertive, and also doing things despite feeling insecure or shy. It has been really great!

It doesn't really sound like assertion when I describe it, its just really speaking up about what I think and talking to people when before I would just sit around without a voice, too afraid of rejection or of conflict. It's wierd that when I think about it, the root of almost all my conflicts are due to me not doing anything.

And I have been learning that when I actually speak and allow myself to be myself, I am not nearly as bad as I thought, and even kinda funny and likable to at least some people . And I also see that some people aren't really amped on me, and I am finding I am a lot more cool with that then I used to be.

Ha, this living life as opposed to sitting on the side freaking over it, is really rather fun.

<3 Thanks everyone, for giving me the advice and sparking my confidence. I really appreciate it !

[HollywoodWanderer]

Develop positive boundaries.