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Thread: Nick's type blog

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    Default Nick's type blog

    That's right, people. I started this not out of egocentric playfulness, but necessity! I'll be posting fairly frequently, and hope to give some insight on various things, the most prominent one being my type.
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    8/20/08 12:55am
    So, I spoke with my best friend (Se-ESTp 7w6 sx/so) for the first time in a while tonight. We had initially planned on training consistently over the summer together (he boxed as well), but due to vacations and other bullshit, we were unable to, for the most part. I've noticed that's been a recurring pattern between us - to plan a bunch of shit and not always follow through. It's sort of an unspoken game (7 and 4 duality? ) where we kind of feed off of each others' (misguided) enthusiasm about future plans and then just go wherever the day happens to take us. Anyway, the conversation was very substantial; it appears we're both at very similar places in our lives, emotionally speaking. He's always been able to *get* stuff a lot faster than other friends I've had, and we were really on the same wavelength tonight. We basically talked about our uncertainty of the future, desire to find paths that truly fit us, criticized certain social codes regarding relationships, and the like. It helped to have a lot of my personal worries substantiated, or at least bounced off someone; it gave them some direction. In a sense, the summer seemed like some undercurrent culmination type of thing for this event: instead of engaging in "normal" activity (training), we both kept to ourselves, in a sense, letting the inner worlds develop until it was "time" for us to converge and redefine our relationship on a higher level (does that sound Ni'ish?).

    That's it for now.
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    from toronto with love ScarlettLux's Avatar
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    Allie, you're not serious about that Se-ESI typing are you?

    And Nick, I really liked that blog. It was pleasing to read. Nice example of duality there, and no, I do not believe you are my Dual. I think you are my Mirror still. For some reason, I do agree with Ezra when he says that your writing has become substantially more... coherent? Easy to follow? Just all around better? Well, whatever it is, I like the improvement because now I can actually take the time to read what you write instead of skipping over most of it (sry2say lol) like I usually did in the past. Before this "change", it always used to be a lot of weird theoretical crap, and the way you wrote other stuff was pretty weird... I can't describe it, it was just hard to read.


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    allie is ma dual <3
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    Quote Originally Posted by strrrng View Post
    8/20/08 12:55am
    So, I spoke with my best friend (Se-ESTp 7w6 sx/so) for the first time in a while tonight. We had initially planned on training consistently over the summer together (he boxed as well), but due to vacations and other bullshit, we were unable to, for the most part. I've noticed that's been a recurring pattern between us - to plan a bunch of shit and not always follow through. It's sort of an unspoken game (7 and 4 duality? ) where we kind of feed off of each others' (misguided) enthusiasm about future plans and then just go wherever the day happens to take us. Anyway, the conversation was very substantial; it appears we're both at very similar places in our lives, emotionally speaking. He's always been able to *get* stuff a lot faster than other friends I've had, and we were really on the same wavelength tonight. We basically talked about our uncertainty of the future, desire to find paths that truly fit us, criticized certain social codes regarding relationships, and the like. It helped to have a lot of my personal worries substantiated, or at least bounced off someone; it gave them some direction. In a sense, the summer seemed like some undercurrent culmination type of thing for this event: instead of engaging in "normal" activity (training), we both kept to ourselves, in a sense, letting the inner worlds develop until it was "time" for us to converge and redefine our relationship on a higher level (does that sound Ni'ish?).

    That's it for now.
    Initial thoughts:

    The fact that you're even writing a type blog makes me feel less inclined to put you in Ti/Se, lol.

    As to your question, yeah, it does sound Ni'ish, lol. I mean, let's not fall into stereotypes, here, but have you ever heard an ISTj talk like this: "we both kept to ourselves, in a sense, letting the inner worlds develop until it was "time" for us to converge and redefine our relationship on a higher level." For that matter, have you ever heard of a 4w5 ISTj either?

    Basically, if you're an ISTj, you're the most introspective "Ni-ish" one I've ever met. Even if you're a Ti-ISTj, your focus on Ni is just too much, IMO. It's too conscious. Certainly you have a capacity for Ti, and you apply it, but as we discussed last night, I think it's easier to believe that Ti is more like a motivation than something you simply do. Anyways, keep blogging ^-^
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allie View Post
    Yes.
    rofl
    "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
    --Theodore Roosevelt

    "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
    -- Mark Twain

    "Man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in."
    -- Confucius

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    Quote Originally Posted by ScarlettLux
    And Nick, I really liked that blog. It was pleasing to read. Nice example of duality there, and no, I do not believe you are my Dual. I think you are my Mirror still. For some reason, I do agree with Ezra when he says that your writing has become substantially more... coherent? Easy to follow? Just all around better? Well, whatever it is, I like the improvement because now I can actually take the time to read what you write instead of skipping over most of it (sry2say lol) like I usually did in the past. Before this "change", it always used to be a lot of weird theoretical crap, and the way you wrote other stuff was pretty weird... I can't describe it, it was just hard to read.
    Thanks. And I can understand the previous distaste for my posts. It actually goes quite well with the idea of an IEI over-indulging in Ti, thus detracting from their *true* writing style.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vero
    As to your question, yeah, it does sound Ni'ish, lol. I mean, let's not fall into stereotypes, here, but have you ever heard an ISTj talk like this: "we both kept to ourselves, in a sense, letting the inner worlds develop until it was "time" for us to converge and redefine our relationship on a higher level." For that matter, have you ever heard of a 4w5 ISTj either?

    Basically, if you're an ISTj, you're the most introspective "Ni-ish" one I've ever met. Even if you're a Ti-ISTj, your focus on Ni is just too much, IMO. It's too conscious. Certainly you have a capacity for Ti, and you apply it, but as we discussed last night, I think it's easier to believe that Ti is more like a motivation than something you simply do. Anyways, keep blogging ^-^
    yeah, that makes sense. I mean, I sort of felt my friend being "pulled in" during the conversation, which seems to be the theme with SLE-IEI duals a lot of the time.
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    8/20/08 10:55am
    Ok, so, I had a pretty disturbing dream last night. Don't feel like relaying specifics, but it involved a family member in harm's way. Either way, what was significant was, that in the dream I was actually able to experience (as much as you can vicariously) the mind frame one goes into in such a horrific circumstance. Now, this is a recurring theme for me - switching in and out of frames of reference; I literally try to feel what others are thinking to see stuff from their perspective, whether to understand or manipulate them . Basically what happened in the dream was sort of like when you shake a tv and the visual starts shifting off screen and another random one comes in - there were like three of those at once. I attributed this to the intensity of the event, i.e. one's frame of reference to reality will get mauled in such a time. Also, I recently watched The Brave One with Jodie Foster, which is about a female talk show host whose husband is murdered in front of her and all the subsequent effects. The last line of the movie, as she's walking down that same ally, is something like, "It creates a void...you simply can never go back to yourself." Which resonates strongly with that idea of having your normal frame strongly perturbed, but also with her, creating an internal void (which needed to be filled, i.e. by her killing criminals...which basically lends itself to the idea of polarities and so on). Anyway, the movie was awesome and there seemed to be parallels. I've always had some weird desire to experience something very extreme, something that would "fuck me up" to some degree, as if that is what I truly need to *feel* or feel alive. Dunno, but I need some coffee (and vyv! ).

    BYE
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    from toronto with love ScarlettLux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by strrrng View Post
    8/20/08 10:55am
    Ok, so, I had a pretty disturbing dream last night. Don't feel like relaying specifics, but it involved a family member in harm's way. Either way, what was significant was, that in the dream I was actually able to experience (as much as you can vicariously) the mind frame one goes into in such a horrific circumstance. Now, this is a recurring theme for me - switching in and out of frames of reference; I literally try to feel what others are thinking to see stuff from their perspective, whether to understand or manipulate them . Basically what happened in the dream was sort of like when you shake a tv and the visual starts shifting off screen and another random one comes in - there were like three of those at once. I attributed this to the intensity of the event, i.e. one's frame of reference to reality will get mauled in such a time. Also, I recently watched The Brave One with Jodie Foster, which is about a female talk show host whose husband is murdered in front of her and all the subsequent effects. The last line of the movie, as she's walking down that same ally, is something like, "It creates a void...you simply can never go back to yourself." Which resonates strongly with that idea of having your normal frame strongly perturbed, but also with her, creating an internal void (which needed to be filled, i.e. by her killing criminals...which basically lends itself to the idea of polarities and so on). Anyway, the movie was awesome and there seemed to be parallels. I've always had some weird desire to experience something very extreme, something that would "fuck me up" to some degree, as if that is what I truly need to *feel* or feel alive.

    BYE
    This whole post was so reeking of NiFe ! But that part I bolded goes VERY well with Se valuing, Se dual seeking. You need something "extreme", a kick in the ass, so to speak, beta style... so you dream of the physical aspect matching your "visions" .. get what I'm saying, sorta?


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    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlett
    This whole post was so reeking of NiFe ! But that part I bolded goes VERY well with Se valuing, Se dual seeking. You need something "extreme", a kick in the ass, so to speak, beta style... so you dream of the physical aspect matching your "visions" .. get what I'm saying, sorta?
    Yeah, I get exactly what you mean. I think being a 4 only enhances that tendency (fantasy self, idealization), but yeah, I've always responded well to "Se reality slaps in the face" lol, for lack of a better word/phrase.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScarlettLux View Post
    This whole post was so reeking of NiFe ! But that part I bolded goes VERY well with Se valuing, Se dual seeking. You need something "extreme", a kick in the ass, so to speak, beta style... so you dream of the physical aspect matching your "visions" .. get what I'm saying, sorta?
    Heh, I identify so much with that bolded part...I think of it as one of the "deepest" parts of me; no matter how much I want to just be "real" and get on with my life, I have always wanted to do something big, something important, fill some special role, do something that nobody else could have done...

    ...yeah.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    Heh, I identify so much with that bolded part...I think of it as one of the "deepest" parts of me; no matter how much I want to just be "real" and get on with my life, I have always wanted to do something big, something important, fill some special role, do something that nobody else could have done...

    ...yeah.
    For me it doesn't so much have to do with the experience itself or any external effects of it, but just filling the internal void or something, lol. Like, if you wander along with some fixation on meaning, I think it kind of lends itself to such things...like..."please let there not just be emptiness, and so, let something so big happen that there is no way I could ever doubt it again" type of thangg...sry for sounding like an emo fuck...but it was hard to pinpoint.
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    Well yeah, it's an emptiness in life, like there is some energy there that isn't being used in the world we live in, and when you try to apply it to life practically or in social situations, other people are just like "whoa wtf, chill out man..." That's how it is for me, anyways...it's like there's this beast waiting to get out, waiting to take on some kind of responsibility for other people...you know, protect and serve kind of shit. And it just doesn't have any kind of "proper" outlet in the "real world," except maybe like stage performing, lol...

    ...but I have shared my theory about this with you, haven't I?
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    Well yeah, it's an emptiness in life, like there is some energy there that isn't being used in the world we live in, and when you try to apply it to life practically or in social situations, other people are just like "whoa wtf, chill out man..." That's how it is for me, anyways...it's like there's this beast waiting to get out, waiting to take on some kind of responsibility for other people...you know, protect and serve kind of shit. And it just doesn't have any kind of "proper" outlet in the "real world," except maybe like stage performing, lol...

    ...but I have shared my theory about this with you, haven't I?
    Responsibility?? Sounds kinda 6'ish

    I think you told it to me. Feel free to write it here, though.
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    from toronto with love ScarlettLux's Avatar
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    YES YES YES!!! (to both Gilly & strrrng) I identify so much, I just had to use three orgasmic yes's.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlett
    YES YES YES!!! (to both Gilly & strrrng) I identify so much, I just had to use three orgasmic yes's.
    orgasmic yes's ftw!!
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    Quote Originally Posted by strrrng View Post
    Responsibility?? Sounds kinda 6'ish

    I think you told it to me. Feel free to write it here, though.
    Maybe not just yet.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    So, last night I had a fairly interesting dream.

    I was at my old high school with a group of guys - some of whom I am friends with, some whom I know, and some random ones I don't remember - and for some reason, we were there to rob it of some large amount of money, lol (multi-millions). I remember the setting was dark, it was night-time, and the dark green lockers in a specific isolated hallway really permeated my vision, creating a fairly foreboding mood. Anyway, I remember walking and talking with them, and there was a certain confidence about our group atmosphere. The "leader" of the operation was this ESTp who I never really liked but knew from various interactions. Except in the dream I respected him. Anyway, he led us along. I forget how we obtained the money, but the next thing I remember was us walking towards a set of stairs with large white bags filled with cash. A security guard came up the stairs, saw us and what we were doing, and one of the guys threw a bag at him, which knocked him down and enabled us to get the bag back and find an opposite route. I distinctly remember an underlying vibe I personally had of the ESTp leader: him being in complete control of the situation and everyone's willingness to follow him. It was like nothing could unnerve him. Anyway, while some of us were scrambling around confused, he was masterminding the next course of action. So, we went down another set of stairs in the back of the building. We then realized the cops had been alerted (lol, this is great) and were surrounding the school as we moved. Luckily, most of them were located around the area where the security guard had seen us, and hadn't set up a complete perimeter. So, we were able to make it outside to the side parking lot without being caught (I remember feeling as if I had just dived under a huge wave). Soon enough, the cops were surrounding that area too, so we split up. The ESTp and a small group went somewhere I didn't know, and the rest of us split up into pairs or singlets, attempting to elude the guard. So, we went our separate directions. I went towards the right side of the school, up onto a street sidewalk (for some reason, the logic was as long as we were off school grounds, they couldn't do anything, lol...it made sense in the dream). I remember passing by two security guards, but having them ignore me, since they didn't suspect anything or couldn't prove shit. We eventually all eluded them (I don't know how I know this) and made it back to a place across the street. I met up with the ESTp and asked him how it worked out; he said he had hidden all the money somewhere else and that we were straight. At this point, I was sort of in awe, wondering how he had managed to pull all this shit off, and felt a large amount of respect for him.

    I'm not Se dual-seeking, right?

    lol...
    Last edited by strrrng; 08-24-2008 at 01:14 AM.
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    I'm LSI.

    If you have an argument, bring it.

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    You're IEI.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Gilly, you're INFj.

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    How does this sound: spend two days thinking about the ways in which you are -not- IEI, and then post in this thread.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Fuck my type, I will leave it up to the Gods.

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    lol
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    8/30/08 6:00pm

    Back into a consistent exercise regime (yay). I started again this past week, and unlike previous times, it isn't fueled by any beta-esque idealism. It's a little more reality-based and consistent, whereas this past summer I tended to train in spurts (train hard for a month, 1-2 week inertia, etc). The phases would always have some ideal or preconception attached to them; I would internalize traits that I observed externally, or come up with internal "visions," and seek to implement them. Consequently, the training never had as much substance as it should have. It was all about the result and the fulfillment of the vision; thus I would miss out on the details in the process. Of course, it was fulfilling in some sense, but I think I was just unsure of how to implement a consistent structure. Anyway, I am not fervently sprinting a mile up to my clubhouse, swimming half a mile and then lifting weights for 40 minutes, etc, only to feel that I am achieving god-like physical ability; this time it's about mental health - no need to force anything.

    As for how this relates to my type, well, I think if I described past training regimes, I'd have some people screaming "beta ST!" I know Ezra said something about me having an "instinctual" awareness of Se, but he never clarified what he meant by that. I do concede that what I have done in the past seems to be more characteristic of beta ST's, as I tended to effortlessly and ruthlessly apply myself without any outside motivation, and stuck to structured regimes completely. But this self-motivation or w/e could just be a trait I developed, rather than something function related. I have always felt an internal ability to go all out on a given project, and more recently, I have never felt insecure about getting out of shape during my break periods (I only felt a little precarious when I didn't have a structure), as I always knew internally that I would just 'choose' to start again, and when I did, it would be even more intense than the previous time.


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    from toronto with love ScarlettLux's Avatar
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    You're still IEI. LAWL.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlett
    You're still IEI. LAWL.
    <3

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    9/3/08 8:31am

    I have been in angst and semi-psychosis for the past week.

    Something I thought I had built up is potentially shattering to the ground (and I don't mean my 4 identity ).

    So, I have compensated with sleep deprivation and superfluous exercise. A few nights ago, I ran 8 miles at 1am, all the while singing randomly along with my ipod and talking to myself. No one was out, except for a few cars here and there. I only got 5 hours of sleep the day before and got about 4 after the run. I think my mind has been in fragments, and thus I am only able to experience reality in disconnected phases; any attempt at unifying them only ends up in an implosion, i.e. more self-detrimental exercise.

    Yesterday (or whenever, my time is off), I had already been up for almost a day, but i exercised again at midnight for 45 minutes - but it felt like 10 minutes. I DON'T KNOW -- I don't feel anything when I do it, or even after; it just happens semi-consciously and then I go back to my fragmented reality. I exercised again at 8am, running 5 miles, jumping rope for 15 minutes, hitting the bag for 20, and doing pull ups and hand strengthening drills. Again, nothing. Simply an escape.

    But during my nap yesterday (which was repulsive...too much sleep is bad), I had a thrilling dream: I stole my dad's car (it's a porsche in real life no I'm not rich -- but in the dream it was some acura or infinity...some nice, fast shit) and just fuckin CRUISED all along wherever. I was free. This related to my pent up desire to fly away from basically everything in the stifling reality I have existed within for 18 years. And in the dream, I ended up getting caught, but who cares? I think I'm willing to go to the end, so to speak; better to die fighting than live like a pussy.

    But now I am tired of exercise; it is below me, in a sense. I have derived all the charge I need from it; what more can it provide? I care fuck all about looking good or being in shape. So, I guess I'll drift on to something else. I've recently reawakened my interest in mythology and the study of it in schizophrenic patients and their experiences. This seems to be a diverted compensation for my fragmented reality.

    But I am putting it together, so no worries.

    -out-
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    Let's fly now Gilly's Avatar
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    ITS ALL ABOUT SYMBOLS MAN

    *facepalm*

    Mythology is cool...just don't study psychoanalysis, k?
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    ITS ALL ABOUT SYMBOLS MAN

    *facepalm*

    Mythology is cool...just don't study psychoanalysis, k?
    lol.

    Yeah, I don't know...
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    You need something productive to do.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    ugh, I totally know where you are right now, lol...it's practically leaking out of your posts. Let me tell you, man, I have been there, and it's a weird place to be...your brain feels like it's in a fog, you don't really know what to do with yourself, all your relied-upon habits or escapes have failed/are failing you...it's not an easy place to be.

    IMO it's probably not the best time to abandon a healthy habit like exercise altogether; maybe just try moderating a bit. You also might need some good old normal social interaction. That's not always the easiest thing in phases like this, but for some reason, just physically being near people and interacting them can be hugely therapeutic. When I was in school and I got depressed, and all I wanted to do was sit and mope or get high all by myself or burn myself or just fucking lay in bed and let the monotony of life wash over me, I came to realize that those were the times that I needed to be around other people, even if I had to force it a little. The people in rehab called it "acting as if;" sometimes, if you put yourself in a situation where you have to force yourself, you brain actually ends up molding your mood and letting go of whatever you were beating to death before. I dunno, maybe it won't work for you, but it definitely helped me through some pretty rough times. What eventually led me to even greater depressions and extreme behavior was when I spent all my "good mood time" on interacting with other people and impressing them, and took all my "bad mood time" and just repressed it by getting high and spacing out alone or getting on the forum and being a total cock to Diana or whoever irked me the wrong way that day. If I hadn't been so focused on keeping up my image with my friends, and hadn't been worried about them seeing my shitty side, I probably never would have slipped so far and done the insane things I ended up doing to get away from the pain.

    Just a thought.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gilly
    ugh, I totally know where you are right now, lol...it's practically leaking out of your posts. Let me tell you, man, I have been there, and it's a weird place to be...your brain feels like it's in a fog, you don't really know what to do with yourself, all your relied-upon habits or escapes have failed/are failing you...it's not an easy place to be.

    IMO it's probably not the best time to abandon a healthy habit like exercise altogether; maybe just try moderating a bit. You also might need some good old normal social interaction. That's not always the easiest thing in phases like this, but for some reason, just physically being near people and interacting them can be hugely therapeutic. When I was in school and I got depressed, and all I wanted to do was sit and mope or get high all by myself or burn myself or just fucking lay in bed and let the monotony of life wash over me, I came to realize that those were the times that I needed to be around other people, even if I had to force it a little. The people in rehab called it "acting as if;" sometimes, if you put yourself in a situation where you have to force yourself, you brain actually ends up molding your mood and letting go of whatever you were beating to death before. I dunno, maybe it won't work for you, but it definitely helped me through some pretty rough times. What eventually led me to even greater depressions and extreme behavior was when I spent all my "good mood time" on interacting with other people and impressing them, and took all my "bad mood time" and just repressed it by getting high and spacing out alone or getting on the forum and being a total cock to Diana or whoever irked me the wrong way that day. If I hadn't been so focused on keeping up my image with my friends, and hadn't been worried about them seeing my shitty side, I probably never would have slipped so far and done the insane things I ended up doing to get away from the pain.

    Just a thought.
    Makes sense. I am in consistent contact with my good friend again, which is extremely helpful, considering we are in similar places emotionally/spiritually. And I doubt I will abandon exercise; it, largely in part, depends on my mood, but there is an underlying desire for the feeling which it produces.

    And I'm not particularly worried; one is in control of their actions. This is just another step in the path.
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    When a reality that you had built up and were attached to begins to fall apart...

    You lose all sight of reason, your mind knows nothing objective about yourself or any situation. You are swept away into the whirlwinds of fantasy-based feelings and irrational fears.

    Like you're walking on secure ground and then cracks begin to form and branch out.

    And suddenly you have no idea where to walk, because you could slip at any moment. So, what do you do? Stay in one position for as long as securely possible, then move on to another. You wait for the process to end, all-the-while trying to maintain solid footing.

    And I guess all you can do is hold on and endure.
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    "Sometimes truth doesn't matter" -- Batman: The Dark Knight

    This line towards the end of the movie, stated by batman's 'overseer' (or w/e), as he ripped up the note that the woman had written to batman, and proceeded to burn it, seemed extremely poignant yet elusive to me for some time. I grasped it on a general/theoretical level, but I didn't feel it. I think this was primarily because it represented one of my deepest fears: that the internal self/world will be swept away, that the authenticity will evaporate into another memory, and nothing will be left; that it will have no significance (fuck you if you don't think I'm a 4).

    But now I feel it. What happens when you have an attachment to something, and you are forced to immolate it for the sake of your own well-being? So now, I have to place something - something which is very real - up at the stake, and send it into the sky. This will leave me with nothing but a memory and a wist for the 'what if,' supposedly granting me a better future.

    So, sometimes what is right, and what feels right - what is true - cannot coexist with reality. Sometimes what we want most eludes us, for one reason or another, and we have to sacrifice it.

    Yet matter (or energy, w/e) is neither created or destroyed; nothing ever ceases to exist. When you put that thing that you were connected to up on that altar in preparation for it's cessation, you are also putting yourself up on that altar, burning yourself at the stake (at least a part of you). So, as the flames grow and it disintegrates, you are also burning a hole internally, severing a part of you that will never exist in its true form again; you are creating a void, and you can never go back.


    -out-
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    Quote Originally Posted by strrrng View Post
    9/3/08 8:31am


    But during my nap yesterday (which was repulsive...too much sleep is bad), I had a thrilling dream: I stole my dad's car (it's a porsche in real life no I'm not rich -- but in the dream it was some acura or infinity...some nice, fast shit) and just fuckin CRUISED all along wherever. I was free. This related to my pent up desire to fly away from basically everything in the stifling reality I have existed within for 18 years. And in the dream, I ended up getting caught, but who cares? I think I'm willing to go to the end, so to speak; better to die fighting than live like a pussy.


    -out-

    Holy shit! I had a dream I stole a car the other night (maybe two nights ago) and went cruising it through LA (which is weird cause I hate LA). It was this flat black ferrari/ skyline thing my mind invented and it was so liberating to just get in the car and GO. In the end I got caught but didn't even care (was basically laughing in the cop's faces) cause it was all worth those few moments of freedom I had driving.
    EII 4w5

    so/sx (?)

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    Let's fly now Gilly's Avatar
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    All you can do is weather the storm and trust that you'll come out the other side in one piece. After all, the only thing that people really know for sure is what they experience first hand.

    *shrug*
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    9/6/08 5:57am

    I am currently consuming gin and (apple) juice. GANGSTA

    there have been positive changes in the past few days, but the mentality is still fragmented. Less pieces now, but still not balanced.

    Most of my activities are caused by pulls. What I mean is, I do not choose my activities; I merely respond to internal polarities that react with cognitions about those potential experiences and ride them out. Everything is transient at that point; you live solely for the high, the escape, the pain and the blankness (nothing suicide related).

    When in such a state, you do not feel in a biological sense; you do not react based on physical causality. In this sense, you are free; your mind determines what you do. But it is only because you are riding these internal waves that you are able to choose (sacrificing one thing for another).

    So, if I run 8 miles, when i finish, i will hardly be breathing. At that point I can go inside and sit and stare for 2 hours without really noticing anything. If, at that point, I think eating is logical, I will. If something else, I will. As long as I am responding to these pulls, I have an illusion of god-like choice. I am rejecting normal will for the safety of impulse, and rationalizing how that impulse plays out, to maintain psychic control.


    WELCOME TO THE GOOD LIFE
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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    Let's fly now Gilly's Avatar
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    A good place to be.
    But, for a certainty, back then,
    We loved so many, yet hated so much,
    We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

    Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
    Whilst our laughter echoed,
    Under cerulean skies...

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    9/9/08 2:43am

    Had my hearing today. All the culmination for nothing. I almost wish I got fucked over, to at least temper the anxiety I had been feeling about it. I ended up sitting in a court room for 2 hours only to have my case dropped. No thrill.

    The punk ass cop who arrested me showed up. Came in with that same "I'm a badass" attitude that he had when he arrested me (why do so many ex-marines have this aura about them?). Unfair, he's an ass, and uses his position to bully. He stared me down once; I smirked.

    Smart ENTj lawyer manipulated the situation adeptly. Don't even know what he did, but I got that shit dropped and expunged - not one fine.

    Then I pass by the cop at the desk where they expunge the records lol. What a perfect ending. He was so pissed, you could see it in his eyes. Couldn't do shit though. Oh well, looks like personal vendettas don't always pay off. I should have offered to shake his hand, maybe said something like "no hard feelings" - sarcastically, of course. But then again, one of the laws of power is not to go too far in victory; it can backfire on you. Either way, I win, he loses.

    Now it's on to better things (hopefully).

    Oh, and have I learned anything from that event? I'll be honest: I now care more about the effects my actions have on my family. But umm...most cops don't bode well with me and other technicalities and bullshit don't really matter to me. Would I speed again? heh I probably need a driving class (or a serious ass beating), but whatever. It'll come back around to me sooner or later. Until then, it's whatever.

    bye.
    4w3-5w6-8w7

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